Lois Myra and Me

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Sunday she checked out of the motel and by three that afternoon she was living with me and the next two months quickly went by with no problems surfacing and I began to relax and let my guard down.

Big Mistake.

Lois called once or twice a week and I usually took the call primarily so I could have the satisfaction of shutting her down. I should have known she wouldn't quit bugging me.

It was a Wednesday night and Myra and I were at The Landing Strip enjoying a toddy or three. We stopped in from time to time (and not always on Wednesday) because it had always been my favorite watering hole, but our main reason for being there that particular night was because one of the girls from accounting was going to get up and give it a shot. We were there for encouragement and moral support.

Shelly was okay, but our opinion (Myra's and mine) was that she better hang onto her day job instead of trying to go into show biz. She started off with:

"A man was sitting reading his daily paper when his wife came up and hit him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper I found in your pant's pocket with the name Jenny on it."

The husband said, "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife apologized and went on with her house work. Three days later the man is watching television and his wife walked up and smacked him on the head with an even bigger frying pan knocking him unconscious. When the man regained consciousness he asked his wife why she had hit him again.

"Your horse called" replied the wife.

After a polite laugh from the crowd she went on with, "An old man and woman were married for many, many years even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout:

"When I die I will dig my way out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life."

Neighbors feared him. They believed that he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in the neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To every one's relief the old man died of a heart attack when he was eighty-five. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral and after the burial she went to the local bar and began to party as if there were no tomorrow. Her neighbor's, concerned for her safety, asked:

"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of his grave and come back to haunt you?"

The wife put down her drink and laughed. "Let him dig. I had the old fart buried upside down and I know him well enough to know that he won't stop and ask for directions."

As I said, okay, but she needed to keep her day job.

Bobby Denton was just introducing the next hopeful when I felt something wet splash on me as I heard:

"You keep your fucking hands off my man you fucking whore!"

I turned to see that Lois had come up behind us and poured a drink on Myra's head. Before I could stand up and do anything Myra threw her drink in Lois's face and when Lois's hands flew up to her face Myra grabbed my longneck, stood up and cold-cocked Lois with it. Lois fell to the floor and I grabbed Myra and hustled her out the door.

I had some rags in the trunk of my car and I got them and was drying Myra and myself off when Lois came out the door. She was unsteady on her feet from being conked on the noggin by a beer bottle and she was being assisted by none other than my asshole cousin Ralph. I dropped the rag in my hand and yelled "You rotten son of a bitch!" and I went running at him. He let go of Lois, who fell to the ground, and then took off running. I chased him for three blocks before I gave it up and went back to the Strip's parking lot.

When I got there Myra had Lois pinned to the fender of a car and as I came up to them I saw Lois was crying and Myra was yelling in her face:

"Get it through your thick head you stupid cow! I did not steal him from you. You threw him away and I was lucky enough to catch him."

When I came up to them Myra stepped back from Lois and said:

"Let's get out of here."

"Get in the car. I need to go inside and straighten things out with Joe" (Joe Lambert who was the owner).

I went inside and found Joe and asked if there were any damages I needed to take care of and he said no and laughed as he said:

"Next time do it during intermission so the customers will have something to watch when there is no one on the mike."

When I got back outside I found Lois waiting for me just outside the door. A quick glance showed that Myra was in the car waiting. Lois stepped in front of me and said:

"Please Dave; drop the divorce. I'm dying baby; I need you. I love you and I know we can work it out."

"You have to be the dumbest human being on the planet Lois. Standing here professing to love me while your date for the evening is the reason for the divorce. Not only that but you were stupid enough to call attention to the fact that you were here together. You need to let things go Lois. The only feelings I have for you are hatred and disgust. Leave me alone!"

I stepped around her, got in the car and drove off.

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Both divorces became final and I proposed to Myra and was surprised when she said:

"Ask me again in a year baby. By then we will have lived together long enough to make sure we are a good fit."

I gave her a year and then asked again and she said yes. We had both already done the big wedding thing and didn't want to go through it again so we settled for a civil ceremony and a Justice of the Peace.

Lois married Ralph and the marriage didn't make it to the two year mark. It seems that Ralph was sharing his big dick with several other women and one of them gave him an STD which he in turn gave to Lois. Apparently cheating on me was acceptable, but cheating on her was a completely different matter and she wasn't having any of that.

Six years after my wedding to Myra Ralph was stupid enough to attend a wedding that I also attended and I made good on my long ago promise to him.

It might be some time before I'm invited to a family function again.