All Comments on 'Long Awaited First Time'

This is a bare-bones telling, uninteresting and only nominally erotic. It's badly written, jumping between past and present tenses. Omitted words and terrible sentence structure make this a complete waste of a couple of minutes.

"My name is Brad. I am 5'9" and weigh about 150 lbs. ... I'm happy to walk around with my 7 1/2" cock. My girlfriend and high school sweetheart of three years, Kay ... was exactly five feet tall and didn't even weigh 100 lbs. .... She has a pair of great looking 36B boobs and a perfect round ass."

This is just about the most common mistake one sees on Literotica, The exact dimensions of your package and hers are not material. You have lots of ways to let us know that you are well enough hung to do her damage, and that she is short and top-heavy if either becomes important. When I see a set of measurements in any story particularly at the start I get discouraged because often the writer will have a sort of checklist he will follow as he recounts the story. Maybe not here I am writing comments as a go along

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I finished the story. Pretty straightforward - too straightforward, I think.

One of the parts of storytelling is the creation of a problem, a conflict.

Here the problem, just mentioned, was that she wasn't going to give it up. Now, as you tell the story, she decides to for whatever reason after holding out for three years, and the guy just sticks it in. He hasn't had to whine and complain to her (this night, at least) and she doesn't make any excuses for why this night is different. So, no tension at all. Resolution of the problem - they did fuck, after all, but the result was so obvious in coming - well, if I go to the gas station to get my summer tires put on, and winter tires taken, and the guy says he'll call me when they're ready, is it a surprise when the phone rings and it's the guy at the gas station

Unrealistic, I think, in that neither kid was prepared for sex (i.e., a condom) I know that some writers think a condom detracts from the flow of the action as do too many people in real life it is part of reality and can be made part of the action that the author recounts to make the story more real and therefore sexier.

You need to get an editor. Add a bit more backstory, and less flip-flopping and you should be ok. Nobody's first time is this straightforward and uninteresting. Details are key, except for the exact measurements. And for the love of god, if you are old enough for sex, you are also old enough not to use the word boobs. Give it another shot, but use an editor please.

Great concept, awful structure. You realy need an editor.

I like where you were coming from with this story - it has potential. I did find that it was a bit dry. My suggestion is to take a look around at some of the other stories that interest you -- see the different styles that they use to describe a background of the characters and how they interact with each other. For my enjoyment, I like to have a good balance between a description so that I know what the author is thinking, but leave enough for my imagination to fill in the blanks. For example -- I don't care to know specific measurements of boobs and cocks - describe them instead. Your storyline was good - just a bit stiff, as if you were being too cautious to give too much detail. That may be because it was your first story or because it is difficult to talk freely about your first time. Don't give up - have fun with your stories - it will make for a more enjoyable time for your readers as well as yourself! Thanks for sharing!

Give brad a break!! Who gives three fucks about his writing structure. This is not a fucking English class. Everyone goes on this site to read freaky stories and jack off. Also, he did mentioned it was his first story that he has ever written.

i think its a really good story. espesh as it is your first story,

but there is one thing that just isnt right. i am a woman (so i know), and if your 'girlfriend' was as 'very small' as you say she is 'under 100lbs', then she wouldnt have 36B boobs. the B can make sence, but the 36 does not. thats a band size for larger women. if shes tiny, she'll be more around 28B or 30B. :)