Love Lost

"Of course not," I said. "I never would."

"I know," she said as she started to boil some noodles in a pot of water. "But still. When I woke up, it was nice to know just how much you care for and respect me. So, I thought I would make you a nice dinner to say thank you."

"Cool," I said, with a smile on my face.

"And then after dinner," she said. "After dinner... You, sir... Oh, I am gonna get you so good."

"Oh?" I said dumbly, partly wondering and partly hoping where this conversation was heading.

"Oh yes," she said with a wicked grin. She then pulled out a copy of Halo and said, "I'm gonna frag your ass into next century."

"Ahhh," I said as she handed me the game. "Halo." I sort of felt like my stomach had dropped out on me. I don't know why, but I thought with the way she was acting, maybe after everything last night, she had a sudden change of feelings for me.

Dinner was amazing. Jessica rarely cooked due to her busy work schedule, but when she did... Damn was it good. After I helped her to do the dishes, we moved to the living room and started playing the game where she proceeded to kick my ass for the next few hours. I swear, there were times where I would spawn into a match and be dead a second later, not having time to do anything more than try and figure out where I was on the map.

All in all, it was a fun night and allowed me to forget about the sorrow I felt for not actually getting to be with her as more than just a friend.

A few days later, both tragedy and good fortune happened. My boss at the comic book store had a mild stroke. He survived, but after he was released from the hospital, his wife convinced him it was time to retire. The last time he came into the shop as the owner was the day he told all of us that he was leaving and that he was handing the store over to me. He already had the rental agreement for the shop space switched to my name as well as all the accounts from the various distributors. After handing me all the paperwork in a file, he put his hand on my shoulder and told me that he knew he was leaving his store in good hands.

Over the next month as I got settled into actually owning and running the store, I didn't notice when Jessica started dating again. Though, I did notice when I got home late one night after doing inventory and found a naked man standing in the middle of the kitchen drinking a glass of juice. Thinking he was some crazy pervert, I grabbed a baseball bat from next to the front door and started yelling at him.

I guess I freaked him out because he dropped the glass, it shattering on the floor as he jumped back.

A moment later, Jessica came running down stairs in her robe, asking what was going on.

"Call the cops Jess," I said. "We got some kind of perv here."

"He's not a perv," she said. "He's my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" I said after a moment, my gaze shifting between the two of them. I relaxed a bit and lowered the bat. Though, I'll be honest and say that a small part of me did want to hurt him even more when I found out he was her boyfriend. But, I pushed that green eyed monster back and said, "Jesus... Next time give me a bit of a warning."

"Sorry," she said.

"Um," the new boyfriend said. "I'm, uh... I'm gonna head back upstairs and put some pants on."

"Please," I said as he ran naked out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"So," I said after he was gone. "When did you start dating nature boy over there?"

Jessica couldn't help but chuckle at my nickname for him and said, "Almost two weeks now."

"Two weeks," I said. "Wow."

"I would've told you," she said. "But you've been so busy since you took over the store that we really haven't had the time to talk."

"Yeah, it's been... A little hectic," I said. Which was a lie. The transition was easy. I just had been spending all my time at the store trying to avoid her and my feelings. Not much more was said that night because Jessica had to get back upstairs.

Things went really well between Jessica and her new boyfriend. So much so that after only a few months, he asked her to marry him. I sat there on the couch as he got down on one knee, pulled out a ring and asked the question. I hoped and prayed she would tell him no. Instead, she squealed with joy as she said yes, and then tackled him to the floor, kissing him passionately.

The next few months were hell on me as I watched the two of them plan out their wedding. I should've been happy for her. But I couldn't. I did my best to avoid her like she was the plague. So much so that I spent some nights sleeping on the floor of the back office of the store just so I would've have to be in the same house as them.

And while Jessica was ignorant to my emotional suffering, my employees at the store weren't so blind.

It was the day before the wedding when they all confronted me about what was wrong. I told them it was nothing, and they called me on my bullshit. Eventually, they got me to break down and tell them the whole story, going all the way back to that day we first met in college.

"And you're letting her get married without telling her how you feel?" one of them asked and I nodded my head as I tried to fight back the tears. "Jesus fuck man. Why?"

"Because," I said. "She's with someone else... I can't just tell her how I feel. It wouldn't be fair."

"Fuck fair," he said. "Is it fair you've had to go the last eight years carrying this torch for her? Hell no. You need to cowboy up, head over to her and open your heart."

"But she's getting married tomorrow," I said.

"Which is why you need to fucking do it now," he said. "Because once she says 'I do', your chance is gone forever."

"I... I..." I said as I stood up. "I can't. I just can't do it." I then walked out of the store, got into my car and started driving. I really didn't plan on driving anywhere specific. I just needed to clear my head. But somehow, after nearly four hours of driving, I ended up at the hotel were Jessica would be getting married the next day.

Maybe they were right. Maybe I could tell her. Maybe it was the same for her. Maybe she had feelings for me and had just kept them bottled up all these years. And after I told her, she would rush into my arms and we would kiss before running away together... Fuck it. They were right. I had to tell her.

I parked my car, grabbed something out of the glove box, and went into the hotel as I called her from my cell phone.

"Hello," she said when she answered.

"Jess, it's me," I said.

"Hey you," she said. "Excited about tomorrow? I know I am. By the way, I totally have to introduce you to some of my friends from work, because..."

I cut her off and said, "Look, I'm downstairs right now. We need to talk."

"Oh, um... Yeah, alright," she said. "I got a few minutes I can spare. I'll be right down."

Shortly after we hung up, she came out of the elevator wearing a pair of jeans and a pink tank top. "What's up?" she asked as she walked up to me.

"Um," I said. Not sure how to go about this. There were so many people around at the moment, I didn't feel comfortable. "Is there somewhere private we can talk?"

"Sure," she said and led me into the ballroom, which was all set up for the reception the following day. "So, what did you need to talk to me about?"

"Well," I said. "We've known each other for a long time now, and, uh... Fuck, this is harder than I thought it would be."

"What is it?" she asked with a smile.

"I've had this whole thing worked out in my head for years now," I said. "Just in case the opportunity ever arose. And now, here I am and I just can't seem to find the right words."

'You need to cowboy up,' the voice of one of my employees echoed in my head. I took a deep breath and said, "Jess... I love you. I've been in love with you basically since the first moment I saw you. And over the years, I've just grown to love you more and more. There were times I wanted to tell you, but couldn't because you were with someone else. And then when you were single... I so wanted to tell you, but wanted to wait for the right moment. However, by the time the moment came, you were already with someone else. And now, with you getting married tomorrow... This is the last chance I'll ever have to tell you how I feel."

I then pulled out the small box that contained the necklace I got for her birthday a few years ago that I never gave her. I opened the box and handed it to her.

Jessica just sat there for a few minutes, a blank look on her face as she looked at the necklace.

"You asshole," she whispered as she closed the box and looked up at me.

"What?" I said.

"You're an asshole," she said a little more loudly as she stood up. "What the fuck is wrong with you, telling me all this the day before I get married. Like I don't have enough shit to deal with, you dump this on me as well."

"Jess, I," I started to say.

"No," she said, cutting me off. "I don't want to hear it." She took a deep breath before continuing. "Look... You've been a great friend to me all these years. No, more than a friend. You're like a brother to me. But that's all. I'm sorry if you think I gave you some hint at one point that I think of you in some other way, but I don't. And the fact that I never made any indication over the years to say that I did should've told you that. And believe me, if I did, I would've. You know me. If there is something I want, I'll go for it. And aside from that one night where I was drunk, I never made a move on you." She let out a deep sigh. "I'm sorry to hurt you this way, but I'm not gonna lie to you just to make you happy and hurt myself in the process by ruining what I have."

"I understand," I said quietly. I then turned and started to leave.

"Hey," she said, and I turned to look at her.

"About tomorrow," she said. "I, um... I don't think you should come. It'll be to weird."

I just nodded my head as my eyes filled with tears and I walked out of the ballroom. I walked back to my car and drove home in a daze, not really paying any attention to anything around me. I spent all of the next day curled up in bed while Jessica walked down the aisle and married the man she loved.

The next day they left for their honeymoon cruise, and by the time they got back, I had already packed up all my stuff and moved out into my own little apartment.

I never saw Jessica again. Though, a few years later I found out from a friend of a friend that she had moved up in the company and was pregnant with her second child.

As for me... I ended up drinking pretty hard for a while, which led to a drunken weekend in Vegas where I somehow ended up getting married to a cocktail waitress. She seemed nice, so I figured I'd give it a try. We were divorced less than a year later when I found out that not only had she been cheating on me, she was pregnant with the other guys kid.

I quit drinking shortly after that and started going to AA. I also gave up on trying to find someone and lived the rest of my life alone till the day I died.

I'm sure quite a few of you are reading this and thinking "What the hell? This was depressing." Sometimes, that's how things are. Not every story has a happy ending for everyone. So for those of you lucky enough to have someone special in their life. Remember my tale the next time they do some little thing that annoys you and it turns into a big argument between the two of you. Remember how lucky you are to actually have each other. Because not everyone is that lucky.