Love, Trust and Communication

I have to write him a letter, I need some closure.

"Dear Scott,

You stupid jerk. First off you think that I'm cheating on you and you go ballistic. Then you go near bankrupt to fix the damage, and then you run away so I can't even talk with you. You don't do anything half way, do you?

I thought that we had a great relationship. We were working things out when we had problems, but somehow we came to agreement. Now you are running away for 4 years, and you didn't even leave a forwarding address. Darn you, darn you to heck and back.

The only reason that I read your letter was because Mrs. Hansen cornered me. For being such a jerk, you got real good friends. Friends that you don't even know about.

It really hurt when you attacked me. I didn't know what I did. Thank you for telling me what was going on inside of you. Until that day, you were always a considerate man. Reading your letter again and again, you still are.

I don't know if I can forgive you, but I'm much less angry with you. Why couldn't you just have talked with me?

I still have many of your things. They are safely stored. With you not being around, is there some place I can send them to? I know that you can't take them in the Corps. Do you have anything stored around here? If not, I will keep them safe until you can pick them up.

I've been told that the Marines basic training doesn't much time for mail for quite a while, so I don't know when you or if you will reply to this. I've been moving on since we split. I hope that you have been able too. Let me know when you receive this letter.

Emma"

I called up Mrs. Hansen, I mean Gene, to give her the letter and talk with her about it. She was happy to see me. She is a different kind of lady. She saw Max's truck get vandalized, and she calls the police and offers to defend us in court. She sees Scott faint, and she helps him, and me.

We ended up talking for two hours. We spent about an hour on Scott and me. I still had a lot of issues about what happened, but she listened to me and helped me to figure out what I was feeling. Then we talked about what I wanted to say to Scott.

The rest of the time was spent on us and her and anything that came to mind. I've never known a woman like her before.

When we finished, she asked that I rewrite the letter, by hand. She said that a hand written letter said more than a typed one, and much more telling than email.

I got it back to her a week later, then waited. The letter started out the same way, it just went different places by the end of it.

It was Christmas time now and I forgot all about the letter I sent to Scott. I was going out with friends and started to date again. I met a guy named Jerry and we hit it off. We were still going out in February when Valentine's Day came up. I didn't think that we were that serious but I got a rose sent to me at work that day. That really made me smile. I was going home early that day. Max closed down the shop that day early and sent us all out. His wife was not feeling well, and he also wanted to be home with her too.

When I got back to my apartment, there was a letter waiting for me. It was from Scott. I froze when I saw it. Lots of feelings flooded me again. I had been feeling great that I got a rose, and now was it going to be a kick in the pants?

I got in and set up the hot water for tea. Then sat down and slowly opened the letter.

"Dear Emma,

I know that it has taken me some time to answer your letter. Part of the reason for that was they did not allow much free time for mail during some of my specialized training. The other part was figuring out what I wanted to say to you.

Bottom line business first. Bob Hinckley has been storing many of my things. I will drop him a line to pick up what I left at the apartment. You should not be burdened with those things.

Thank you for answering me. It really meant a lot. We are no longer a team, we aren't partners. But you could have let me hang, and you didn't.

I've been in a special unit, training for Embassy protection duty. We're stationed in Spain and we get called out at a moment's notice to protect US Embassy and other installations in countries in real danger.

To be honest, 98% of my time has no danger in it. The other 2% is another matter. I've been in a couple of hot spots but no one in my unit has ever had to fire a weapon or anybody got hurt during any of our deployments so far. The first thing we do is a put out a visible show of hardened force and defense. Anybody wanting to start something sees upfront what they have to encounter. It stops most of them from wanting to mess with us. We work defensively after that, always protecting our charges and then protecting each other. Don't worry about what I do. As a team, we do a good job and I'm advancing in the ranks.

The Marine Corps has been a good thing for me.

I want to be very clear with you right now. Some of my friends have told me that you have been going out. Good. I don't want to do anything to be a negative influence on that. We both need to move on. I just hope that whoever you meet treats you right. You deserve it.

I've been thinking about this for quite a while and I figured out that I just have to ask you directly. Whatever you say I will abide. You can say no for whatever reason and I will respect and not question your choice.

May I be your friend? Your long distance friend? It may be hard and in the end it may not be work out, but I'd like to try being friends with you again. We were friends before we became lovers and moved in together, before I became possessive.

Please understand, I don't want to get in the way of your dating and finding a new partner. If you say yes and you later find that you or your partner have a difficult time with it, I will gladly bow out without any questions. I'm thousands of miles away. I value you, I don't want to stop your future.

My asking may have been premature, but I need to be direct with you. I am and will be honest and open with you. I value you. Please let me know how you feel about this.

The rose was a token of my friendship to you.

Scott"

It took me several days to get a letter back into the mail for him. How can somebody so far away be such a pain to me?

"Dear Scott,

Who are you and what have you done with Scott?

The Scott I knew would never have directly asked me questions about the relationship he wanted with me. The Scott I knew would have slowly beat around the bush and waited until everyone's mood was in the proper frame of mind and he felt safe to say something. That Scott was always being fearful of a negative reply. Who are you? or rather, who are you becoming?

The Scott I knew would never have looked at a long distance relationship as something to stop a relationship. He would have only been concerned with his own feelings, his need to be safe. His far away partner was going to have to go along with the program. This Scott understands that life does indeed go on for everybody, near and far.

If this is the Scott that is asking me to be his friend, then I want to be a friend of that Scott. I too will be honest and open with my friend. I think that we both understand how our relationship has changed, and how we are changing. We both understand that we do enjoy a common friendship. Maybe we both were not ready for the relationship we had when it broke apart.

I'm willing to give this long distance friendship thing a try with you.

Your friend,

Emma"

A couple of days later Gene gave me a call and asked me over for a cup of coffee on a Sunday afternoon. The weather was nasty, but the distance was close and the roads were clear.

Once again she was waiting at the door. It may have helped that I gave her a call when I was 5 minutes away. She asked about any updates on Scott and me. She listened with a real interest, asking me what I felt.

I was starting to realize that there were 1 and a half people in my life that asked me what I thought and felt. Gene was the whole '1' close by. The other half was on the other side of the world.

After I told her about the back and forth letters, she smiled. "Emma, he seems to have calmed down a bit, hasn't he?"

"Scott really has changed, and from his letters, and from me talking with you, I realize that I'm changing too. I've been going over my relationship with him and I've started to see a couple of things.

"One of the best things that you did for me was to hand write letters to him, like he is doing to me. I know that getting on the phone or even texting would be quicker and faster. But this way, I have to think more. And you were right, it is more personal. The only downside is that there's a week or two or three between letters."

"Emma, it isn't the speed of communication between you, it's the depth. The way you were talking about the last letters, I got the feeling that you both were more open, honest and maybe deep? than you both were before, weren't you?"

Gene's insight shocked me. The relationship that Scott and I had was short on communicating the important things in our relationship. We were great on being kind and thoughtful to one another, at least superficially. We had the proper amount of "please' and "thank you", but I've been realizing that the deeper level was lacking. That letter from Scott cut through that. He was talking about how he honestly felt and the real issues involved with 'being friends'. He also was respectful of me and how I felt. This was not the same Scott. It was also not the same Emma either.

Once again, Gene and I had a wonderful time visiting with each other. Since my own parents and grandparents passed away several years ago, I've missed that connection with an older non-judgmental person.

The next letter that I got back from Scott was 5 pages. My reply was a little bit longer.

While Scott and I were writing letters to each other, we were also living our lives. It was a bit difficult for me to tell him that I was seeing others. That became easier when he volunteered that there was a woman Marine on the base that caught his eye. He and a Mary spent a weekend at a beach in Portugal. Funny thing, I felt good about that, for him and for me.

Having Scott as a pen pal, as a friend, was very different. We had our history, both good and bad. Being thousands of miles apart, and not being lovers did give us some emotional distance and freedom. I was really unsure if this being friends would work. But for some reason, I think that both of us wanted it to happen. We also had 1 to 3 weeks between letters. We weren't in each others face. We didn't hang out and see each other or run into each other. Scott was in Europe or the mid-east. I was in Iowa, small town Iowa. One of the biggest things that made it work was that Scott didn't even try to direct me to do anything. He had been a bit possessive before, not unruly, but still.

His attitude had changed since I saw him last. I knew that he was working hard at it. He would sometimes share his challenges with me. Sometimes the challenges were about me. But even then, our new relationship wasn't threatened by it. We were communicating as people and friends, not as lovers. We were respectful, not just polite. But we could occasionally ask a difficult question. We also sometimes gave the difficult answer.

As time went on, we were able to occasionally talk about our previous relationship. When things had settled down about 6 months after we started writing, I sent him a question. Why did he leave Iowa for the Marines?

"Dear Emma,

I know that it's been over a month since you sent me the last letter. You asked a hard question. I took some time to look at what I thought the answer was, but realized that it was incomplete.

First off, I had just destroyed the relationship that I had with one of the best people in the world. That woman took me as I was. I was the possessive one. Emma, I was the scared one in this relationship. I was real needy, I was frightened. I felt that I was never good enough. You did not drop that on me, I dropped it on me. After I went off the deep end with you, I wanted to run and hide. I could see the thoughts of harming myself, and that scared the shit out of me.

Somebody I knew strongly suggested that I see a counselor, and made the appointment with me immediately that day. At the first session, I felt something different. I felt hope. That made the biggest difference in my miserable life at that point. In the following months I pushed myself to look at everything I felt, what I did, what I was afraid of. Being abandoned again was probably the biggest thing in my life. Don't get me wrong, there were more things than that.

I also figured out that I had burned my bridges in Iowa. There was no future for me there. I needed to start over. I have an uncle on the west coast that was a Marine in Viet Nam. I got in contact with him and got the short of it from him. In boot camp, Marines take what you are away from you, and build a unit of interdependent men. My Uncle told me not to worry about loosing myself. He said that after I become a Marine, a new and better Scott will start up again. He knew me well enough. I was flying blind and trusted what he said completely. This newer Scott had less bullshit than before. There are still challenges, that will always be. But I got a better base to grow from.

The last thing I needed to do was to apologize to you for what I did to you. I needed to make amends. I had not done that yet. I tried to make good on the physical damage that I did to you and Max. But I never approached you on the emotional damage. I knew I was justifiably not welcome.

I admit it, I was frightened to speak with you. My counselor suggested a letter. I was the one that chickened out, telling him to have it delivered after I left. I really couldn't bear your justified anger. I needed to start a new life. I needed a 'do over'. That is why I left Iowa and joined the Marines.

Does that answer your question?

I will tell you, I did a bit of drinking in the first 6 months in the Corps. A friend told me what I was doing and helped me to get beyond it. I'm not a tee-totaller, by any means. But I don't use alcohol (or anything else) as a crutch anymore.

I was not in a relationship with you. You became my friend. You were one of the first people that I trusted with me. I felt you were also trusting you with me. That has happened a couple of times with guy friends, but with you it is much more special.

You've been a rock for me during that time. You came back to me as a friend. I kept clearing my head of my old demons, and you hung with me. You shared your own self with me. I felt privileged. Look at the letters, you can see me changing. I look at the letters, and I see you changing.

Your friend,

Scott"

The months continued to pass. Letters between us would be regular, then stop when he was deployed to some hot spot. Only once we spoke about doing google video or skype, or even email, but we both decided against it.

Recently I have been seeing a young man named Ryan for a while. It's been going good, we're clicking. Well, more than just clicking. I'm slowly being swept off my feet and he is implying more that just us being regular dates. One day we walked past a jewelry story and he pulled me in, just looking at rings. This is happening to me and it's hard to tell Scott about the serious of it.

I don't know if someone told him, or he saw something in my letters, but he was the one that brought it up. In my next letter to him, I fessed up where I was with Ryan. Scott gave me a hearty congratulations back, but I felt that seeing him in person would have told a different story.

I went to see Gene later that weekend and I started to talk about Ryan. "I don't know what to do. I feel like Scott and I have gotten closer in the past months, but I'm with Ryan here. I'm feeling that I am betraying Scott, although we both agreed to be distant friends and have our own lives. I'm all messed up about it."

"Emma, when you and Scott first got back to talking with one another, didn't you both say that you were going to be honest with one another?" I nodded yes. "Well then you need to be honest with him. Put your feelings down on paper and send it to him. I see that you're scared - scared of hurting him, scared of not being honest with him, scared of not being honest with you. Be brave, but be honest with everybody. It's hard, but it's the only way to go. Someone may get hurt, but unfortunately that is part of life. This is not vicious. This is real life with basically good people. Sometimes that's the hardest part of being honest, not wanting to hurt them."

That weekend I started writing him a letter. I ripped it up three times, just not getting it right, not saying what I felt. It was a Saturday night that I was going to stay at home. I felt that I may have been getting a cold, but instead, decided to get out anyway.

I went down to the roadside bar by the highway. It has a live band on Saturday nights and some of my friends hang out there. The lot was full, so I had to park farther away. I got in through the back door. I was walking up to the bar when I saw Ryan. This is a bar that he or I don't normally go. He wasn't alone, and his hands were damn busy with some young woman's behind. His mouth was very busy with her mouth too. That was when he looked over and saw me standing there. He froze and I mouthed a 'good bye' and went home.

I think that I can understand what Scott felt like when he thought I was unfaithful. I got home and started writing to Scott. It was fast and furious and the least legible writing that I have ever sent to him. I poured out my story, from start to finish. I went from the elation of the start of the relationship to the disgust of the betrayal.

That was when Gene's words came back to me. I had dumped out what I went through, what I felt about it, but nothing about what I felt about Scott. This was more difficult writing, it was more from the heart, and it was honest.

"Scott, I felt I was betraying you by being swept off my feet by Ryan. We started off this new relationship between us being long distant friends. As friends needing to have independent lives. We are thousands of miles away from each other. We were going to be honest. Well, I am. I worry about my friend. I worry that some day I may get a message that you've been injured, or worse. I worry about you, how you are, what you're feeling, how you are coping. All I have are your letters. They are my treasures and I read and reread them.

This is how conflicted I am. When you told me you were happy for me when I wrote about getting serious with that now jerk Ryan, I really didn't believe you. I also thought that I was betraying you. When you told me about your weekend in Portugal with Mary, I was happy for you. You deserved the joy, you deserved any happiness that you can get.

A dear friend of mine told me that I needed to be honest with you, and honest with me. That is why I'm pouring everything out of me.

I really care about you. And I'm going to mail this right now before I lose my nerve.

Your friend,

Emma"

I put on my coat and put it in a mail box a 10 minute walk away. I felt that I was doing the right thing. I went home, once again packed up an ex-boyfriends things that he had moved to my apartment, and went to sleep.

A couple of days later I got a call from Gene. She wondered if I was available for a cup of tea with her. Curt was away for a couple of days and she wanted some company. We spent a couple of hours talking about everything. She wanted to know about things were going with Ryan, and I told her.

"Emma, have you gotten tested yet? If he's been that loose, you may have something that you don't want. Go and get tested Monday after work. I'll ask my friend at the doctor's office to give you a full range of tests. And don't give anything back to Ryan until we have the results. If he calls you, tell him that your lawyer is handling it. He'll be responsible if he damaged you. This is a tort case." When I started to protest, she just gave me that look. You never want to get that look from Gene.