All Comments on 'Lynn and Leif Forevermore Ch. 01'

OK, you hooked me in. I like them already, and I like the story so far. A few minor mechanical errors, but nothing major. Just proofread next time. I like that you started with a tease rather than having them jump right into bed in the first two or three paragraphs. It makes the reader want that much more to read the next chapter. I can't wait to find out what happens. Having Janelle there with them makes me wonder if they'll wind up in a threesome, but the title doesn't sound that way, his narrative doesn't sound like he's thinking that. I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

way too short

Good start, but if you're looking to create something superior, you should consider getting an editor. Not that what you've written is bad. Not at all. I only make the suggestion because I sense your story has potential.

Example (from the first paragraph) of possible improvement:

"He was bow(l)ed over by..."

Hope you don't mind the suggestion.

Five, for a promising debut.

Leif seem to be really digging Lynn with no thoughts of Janelle so I hope there is no threesome involved. They both seem to shy to even try a threesome.

I really enjoyed your story. It was way too short but a good beginning. I hope you continue with this story i'd really like to see where your characters end up. Please update soon and keep up the good work.

I really like the beginning of your story, and look forward to reading more soon. It's really very good.

I love the way you are taking your time yet continuously pulling the audience into the story. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Hi Anonymous I am not offended by your kind, yet constructive feedback. I appreciate your words, and I am more than willing to incorporate revisions into my story. I get swept up in the moment when I write, so sometimes those errors are hard to catch. I appreciate an additional set of eyes. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Thanks to everyone else who has written with a comment as well. Look for Part II to be posted soon.

You're welcome. That was nice of you. I'm looking forward to reading more of your story.

J

She basically said she only trust him because he's white, a black dude in the same situation would apparently be oh so wrong and dangerous self-hatred is disgusting

No, I don't think it was racist. I think it was the opposite of that. Your reading of the situation is odd.

Yep, the "strange black dude" thing is kind of prejudiced. Also the mention of her "her black, sweet, inner city voice" WFT is a "black voice"?

The coffee statement wasn't racist. He was bringing it up because she's the one who mentioned race in the first place. By saying" why would I have coffee with a strange WHITE guy" implies that she would instead have coffee with a strange black man. That's why he asked. If you're going to be sensitive to ethnicity get out of the interracial genre

I understand the racist view point from Anon, but I also knew that the writer was allowing Lynn to kid with Leif, by saying 'white dude.'

I did pause with "her black, sweet, inner city voice." And once again I knew (I could be still wrong) that the author was trying to imply that Leif was turned on by Lynn's voice (that clearly conveyed her ethnicity [African Amer.] as well as where she grew up [Brooklyn] along with her natural sweet sounding voice.. she sings).

I know I am being wordy, but I just hate for things or people to get or be confused on here. I am enjoying this story so far.