Make Me a Channel of Your Peace

"I know. I love you Sarah."

"I know you do hun. I love you too, with all my heart."

They lapsed into silence again as the car cut through the rain. They steamed slightly as the heaters warmed them, at least on the outside.

Adin took a different route to the rest of the cortege and they arrived at the crematorium before the hearse. There were a few people, dressed in black suits, hanging about in the car park, who didn't even spare a glance for the small black car that slid into a space near the entrance.

Luke woke with a start when they stopped and looked around seeming to be confused. Sarah turned round and covered his hand with her own.

"You sure you're up to this hun?" She was shocked how cold his hand was but kept her concern to herself.

He glanced out of the window and shuddered then, without answering, climbed stiffly out of the car. Sarah and Adin exchanged glances and followed.

The rain had stopped although the sky was still heavy and black. Although it was early afternoon it was dark and a chill wind bit into them making them shiver. Sarah and Adin pulled their coats tighter around themselves but Luke, despite being in his shirt sleeves did not seem to notice. Numbly he pulled out a battered pack of cigarettes and lit one with a hand that was visibly shaking. He leaned against the car drawing so deeply it made him cough.

Moment later the hearse and following black 'family' car drove slowly past the car park and through the gates, pulling up next to the ornate gothic building which housed the crematorium. All of the other cars diverted into the car park which filled rapidly.

Luke stood stiff and immobile while people spilled out, chatting and laughing. Many of them fell silent when they saw the pale figure leaning against the black car. No one approached, no one said anything directly to him but there were many dark looks and unheard mutters directed towards him as they all hurried away.

Unconsciously Adin and Sarah drew closer to him, noticing that although he feigned nonchalance he was visibly paler and the shake in his hand as he brought the cigarette to his lips was growing more and more pronounced.

"Come on. We're only getting cold standing here."

It was a very short walk from the car park, across the road to the gates of the crematorium, and from there the road climbed steeply to a small courtyard where the cars were parked. The space was packed with bodies which miraculously and apparently accidentally parted as they arrived at the edge of the crowd giving a clear view of the coffin being slid out of the hearse onto a metal trolley. The crowd closed again as they began to follow the trolley into the building.

Luke had frozen the moment he saw the coffin and he made no move towards the building. There was a closed look on his face as though he was a long way away and, again it was not a good place to be.

"Come on. If you really have to do this... and did I mention that I think you're insane... but if you really want to let's get it done and then get the hell out of here."

Taking point at his elbow, with Sarah on the other side, equally purposeful, Adin steered Luke through the crowds and into the large, modern chapel. The coffin was already in place on the podium before the curtains. The minister was standing at the lectern and he had a special smile for the three young people as Adin elbowed his way into the last pew, right at the back.

Jonathan was looking over his shoulder and he had an unreadable expression on his face. Adin had no idea if Luke had seen the look because almost immediately Mother Hen was nudging his arm and making him turn around. The back of his head spoke volumes, as did those of his sisters, only the content of the books were very different.

Luke was shaking again, his eyes fixed on the coffin and Adin wondered for the umpteenth time what on earth had possessed him to come and what he could possibly do to pick up the pieces afterwards. He glanced at Sarah who met his eyes, her own showing the same concern he felt. They both shifted slightly closer to Luke who was oblivious but, by the time the last notes of the organ died they were both convinced that it was only the closeness of their bodies that was keeping him upright.

***

"David 'Dai' Davies was many things to many people. A good and loving father to his children, a dutiful son, a diligent workmate and a good friend. It is heartening to see so many of his family and friends here today to acknowledge his life and to celebrate it.

"As Christians we know that this is not the end, that as Jesus died for our sins and rose again so, too will our dearly departed one day walk the paths of glory with his nearest and dearest at his side. This is not the end.

"David lived his life surrounded by the love of his family and friends. But there is a limit to how far that love can go and we have now reached that limit. There is no more. Now we must take that love and wrap ourselves in it, remembering the good times for in our memories our loved ones live on and are never truly apart from us."

The minister noticed that the words he was speaking, which he had spoken so often to so many people, bringing them comfort in their darkest times were having strange effects on some of the congregation today. To Luke, for example, closely supported by his friends though he was, they seemed to be like bullets aimed for his heart and he winced at every one, his face growing paler and paler as his eyes grew wider and more bright.

To the close family at the front they seemed to cause varying degrees of discomfort. Emma stared fixedly ahead, her face set and grim. Katie dabbed at her eyes and leaned on her sister while Jonathan squirmed in his seat attempting to surreptitiously look over his shoulder when his grandmother and older sister were not looking. What was he looking at? What was he looking for?

As more words spilled forth the pain they were causing grew ever more evident until the minister began to grow alarmed and cut short what he was going to say, nodding to the organist to warm up for an early beginning on the hymn. He directed the mourners to the correct page in their hymnal and the notes of the organ floated over them as they shuffled to their feet.

Make me a channel of your peace,

Where there is hatred let me bring your love,

Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord:

And where there's doubt, true faith in you.

Make me a channel of your peace.

Where there's despair in life let me bring hope.

Where there is darkness, only light,

And where there's sadness, ever joy.

O, Master, grant that I may never seek

So much to be consoled as to console.

To be understood as to understand,

To be loved, as to love with all my soul!

Make me a channel of your peace.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

In giving to all men that we receive,

And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

Again the minister was acutely aware of Luke's voice, strong and pure, almost aggressive in its intensity. He was also acutely aware of the effect it had on the front row. Before the hymn was half over they had all stopped singing. Mrs Davies looked blackly angry, Katie lost, Emma grim and Jonathan... Jonathan was openly in tears for the first time.

Half way through the hymn Luke's voice began to falter and on the last verse it cracked and died. Jonathan, Emma and Katie all turned their head and, when the last notes faded away and the minister directed everyone to sit, all four of them remained on their feet. For the first time he was struck by the resemblance between them.

Luke seemed to be unaware that everyone else had sat. He was rigid, his eyes fixed on the coffin, as if no one and nothing else existed. The other three were fixed on him.

Mrs Davies tried to get her three grandchildren to sit down but only Katie did so, bowing her head and sobbing into her handkerchief. Almost incandescent with rage Mrs Davies stood up and turned around. Shockingly her voice lashed out, startling everyone.

"Abomination! How dare you come here? Isn't it enough that you tried to ruin his life... do you have to ruin his funeral too? And if you cared nothing for him, for your own dignity... what about the children? Couldn't you have spared a thought for them? He was their father Luke, couldn't you have let them say goodbye with dignity?"

If Luke had been rigid before, he was now absolutely frozen, a look of pure horror on his face. His eyes, like those of a deer caught in headlights were fixed on Mrs Davies and he looked as though he could no more have moved or spoken than he could have grown wings and flew.

Emma was tugging at her grandmother's arm and Jonathan was still staring at Luke who was entirely unaware of his existence.

Shrugging off her granddaughter's arm Mrs Davies took a step into the aisle. A man, from the other side of the aisle rose and came to her side but she shrugged him off too. The minister could feel the tension radiating from everywhere. Whatever was going on they all knew and the congregation was divided roughly in two between those who were transfixed on the angry woman and those who had eyes only for the lonely boy.

Adin and Sarah were also on their feet, both of them holding on to Luke for grim death and glaring at Mrs Davies as though they could ward off her words with just those looks. Unfortunately, they could not.

"Go home Luke. Leave us be. Can't you see you are not wanted here? He made that clear enough when he was alive. He hated you Luke, for what you did to him... he hated you and so do we. You are nothing to us. You are more dead than he is. How could you dare to come here? How could you show your face after what you did? You are an abomination, you are sick. It's you who deserve to be dead, not him. Get out of here. I wish you were dead. I wish you had never lived. Get out... get out!" Her voice was rising and her hand came up to point at him, clawed as though she wanted nothing more than to tear out his heart.

For a moment the chapel was filled with a heavy, shocked silence. The minister, whose eyes were fixed on Luke thought with sick horror that he was going to pass out, as he swayed under the terrible weight of the words and closed his eyes. But he did not and, when he opened his eyes they were clear and cold. He did not raise his voice. It was barely above a whisper but every single person present heard it.

"You are a hypocrite. You sang those words; those words about love, and consolation, and pardon. But they are not words you live by, that you have every lived by. There is no love, no compassion in your heart any more than there was in his. You say that I ruined his life... how exactly did I do that? By telling the truth? What good did that do me? You wouldn't recognise truth if your life depended on it.

"He is the one who ruined lives... mine... theirs... My only regret is that I didn't take them with me when I left. That I left them in that... pit of snakes to absorb your poison and become like you.

"I'm sorry Jon, Katie, Em... I thought I was protecting you but I was only making it worse in the end. I'm so sorry." His eyes fixed on Mrs Davies. "You say you wish I were dead... that I had never been born... well, you're not the only one. So do I."

Almost flinging Sarah out of the way he stumbled into the aisle. He turned once, his eyes on the coffin again and said, very quietly. "Goodbye father. I hope you burn in hell," and then he ran for the door. No one tried to stop him but there were more than one voice that called after him.

"Luke... wait!"

***

Adin tripped over Sarah as he tried to follow Luke. And then there were people everywhere. It seemed to take an age before he was free of them and yet Luke was still only a few yards away. There were many bodies milling about in the courtyard, around the cars. They had not been able to see what was going on inside and so had been unprepared when Luke burst out, reaching out automatically to try and restrain him as he barged blindly into them. Between this and the cars he careered into like a ball in a pin ball game he had only just managed to break into the open when Adin made it outside.

Desperately Adin pushed through the crowd but he knew that he would not reach Luke before he got to the gates and, once outside who knew where he would go. He was in an agony of helpless frustration when a dark figure literally flew overhead, not bothering to try and dodge the cars, instead leaping up onto and over them. And then all he saw was a streak of darkness burst into the driveway and pound after Luke, catching him entirely unawares with such force that he was knocked to the ground and they both tumbled over and over on the glistening tarmac.

By the time Adin reached them Jonathan had Luke in his arms and was sobbing over and over. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." Luke looked as though he had had the air literally and figuratively knocked out of him and was just lying absolutely still staring up into his brother's face. Jonathan's hair had come loose and was flying around him, every bit as long and thick as Luke's. His glasses had come off in the fall and there was no mistaking now that they were brothers.

For a long moment Luke stared in complete shock, and then he suddenly threw his arms around Jonathan and the two embraced, sobbing into each other's shoulders. Luke was also now repeating. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

The gathering crowd, held back a little by Adin and Sarah were silent and still, shocked.

The silence was broken by the high pitched voice of Mrs Davies. "Jonathan! Get away from him. Get away from that boy... right NOW."

Jonathan's head went up as if yanked back by the hair and he tightened his hold on his brother. "That boy? That boy? That BOY is my brother. Thanks to you and... and that... thanks to you he was ripped out of my life six years ago. I was a child then and there was nothing I couldn't do about it. I couldn't fight... not all of you. But I am not a child any more. I am a MAN and I will not lose him again."

Mrs Davies looked stunned and even took a half step backwards. It was left to Emma to stride forward and put her arm around her grandmother.

"Don't you dare speak to her like that! After everything she has done for us."

"Done? What has she done? What exactly has she done?" Jonathan took a deep breath and his voice went absolutely flat and cold. "Let me tell you what she's done. Luke was right. She poisoned us, both of them did. Drip by drip they fed us poison until we didn't know what was right and what was wrong any more.

"We all ended up believing that it was Luke's fault, that he was the evil one. And we did believe it, all of us... we believed it even though we KNEW. We all KNEW. You knew Em... you saw, you heard. And you Katie... you were just a baby but you hid in your room with your head under the pillow. And you... YOU..."he almost spat at his grandmother. "You saw more than any of us... you saw the bruises, you cleaned up the blood... and you made excuses every time.

"Every time it was always Luke's fault. He was evil... he was perverted... he was an abomination... he deserved it... every beating, every bruise, every..." he faltered and Emma took the opportunity to stride forwards and everyone gasped as she delivered a resounding slap to his face.

"Don't you dare! Don't you speak to her like that! Don't you stand up for him! You know what he is. You know what he did. He almost tore our family apart."

For a moment he was speechless, staring at his sister in wide eyed horror. Then he laughed. "She got you good didn't she? What? Do you have selective amnesia now? Are you going to tell me that you didn't see what happened? That you didn't hear the... the..? Don't you remember Emma, how you used to take Katie up to your room and hide? Don't you remember creeping out onto the landing, looking down through the bars... too scared to move... too scared to breathe?"

"Shut up Jonathan."

"That's what he said. Shut up Jonathan. Go to your room. Look after your sisters. This has nothing to do with you. Shut up or you'll be next."

"Jonathan."

"Jonathan Davies. Shut your mouth and get over here with your family. This is a funeral; your father's funeral and I demand you show him some respect."

"Respect? Tell me... grandmother... exactly how much respect does my father deserve? How much respect is deserved by a man who beats his own son to a bloody pulp and throws him out of the house just because..." he was brought up short by a cold hand on his lips. He looked down at Luke who shook his head wearily then slowly got to his knees, breaking his brother's hold.

"Don't Jon. It's over. You have no idea how..." He closed his eyes for a moment and then pressed on. "It's amazing that you would... that you are... but it's not your fight. It never was. It's okay. It's over now."

"Not my fight? Damn right it's my fight. Do you have ANY idea how much I have hurt all these years? When it happened I was twelve years old. I hero worshipped you, my big brother. You were everything to me and you were... you looked after me, all of us. You took care of us in every way and what did we do for you... we let you down! We let him... we let him do that to you... over and over. We hid our faces and... what's even worse... after... we... we let them lie. We let everyone believe that it was you. When you tried to tell the truth, when you tried to save yourself we turned our backs on you and we never even realised that you were trying to save US."

Suddenly Jonathan got to his feet and stood facing his sister and grandmother. They cringed at the look on his face. Then he raised his eyes to the sombre, shocked crowd.

"My brother Luke is the bravest man I ever met."

"Jonathan... don't..."

He ignored her. "My father deceived you. He deceived you all. He was NOT a good man. He was NOT a good father and a loving husband. He beat my mother and when she got ill and frail he took it out on us instead... or at least he would have if it hadn't been for Luke."

"Jonathan! Shut up. What are you doing? How dare you say such things? You're as bad as he is."

"Shut up Grandma." Mrs Davies stared in shock at her granddaughter. Emma still looked grim but now there was something else, shame maybe. "He's right. It's time. We've let Luke be the whipping boy for far too long... in far too many senses of the word."

She came to stand by Jonathan and put her arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry Jon, for everything. It was my fault. I was the oldest and I should have protected you, all of you but the truth is I was scared. I was terrified of him, of my own father.

"Jonathan's right. I heard. I saw. I knew what was going on. I knew that he was hitting my mother and then, when Luke tried to protect her... he hit Luke too. Whenever he started to get angry, especially after Mother died, whenever it looked as though he was going to go off on one of us Luke stepped in and took it... and we let him. Over and over we let him. We ran away and we hid and we listened to..." She shuddered and closed her eyes for a moment to regain her composure.

"Not only did we allow it to happen, allow Luke to take all our pain, our..." she swallowed, "but when he finally tried to do something about it... to save not just himself but all of us... we turned on him. We were still scared. We were more scared of our father than we were loyal to our brother. We lied. We said it had never happened, that Luke was the one to blame. We kept up the deception all these years... because we were afraid."

"Emma, not you too?! What's got into you?" She turned to Luke and, before anyone could stop her she swung back her handbag and hit him full in the face, sending him sprawling onto the floor. He just lay there in shock, staring at her as she stood over him screaming, completely out of control.