Making Wal Mart Whoopie Ch. 01

Making Walmart Whoopie 1: Incognito In Iowa

Friends ask why I chose the lovers I do. The answer is because of their appeal. They are real in a way that the wannabe actresses of Hollywood aren’t. I can have all the attractive women (and men) I could ever want, such are the benefits of having an award winning comedy show and a sizable endowment, but there is no thrill in bedding the 20 something beauty of the week. Sex for a starlet on the make is like breathing, nothing special.

I get pleasure from introducing my dick to ladies for whom sex is rare as diamonds and rarely satisfying. The females who have the television on all day while cleaning the house are whom I find erotic. The housewives who let themselves go after the fourth kid, the empty nester cat ladies, the manic steering committee chairwomen; that’s my demographic.

They love my sets and I love their sex. There is nothing quite like old pussy. It’s got a different smell, little less elasticity and quite frankly a better flavor than the younger model stuff. It’s already been broken in, none of that squeaking to be had. Plus much like a Caddy from the 1960’s, the old gals have space and cushioning to spare. Give me love handles, spread out ass and thunder thighs any day of the week. There is more to grab a hold of and ride like a rodeo roper.

Most of these older gals live in the middle of the country. Celebrities of my stature don’t come out there that often. That makes the lonely Lindas of Corn and Bible Belts even more willing to throw the pussy at us.

They don’t know if this will be the last time they meet someone from the television in their lives. That is why I transcribe my stand up routine and release it in book form periodically. It is fluff but it allows me to do mall tours in the neglected areas of the country.

Sure, the majority of my stylish cast members sneer and disdainfully call what I do “bagging hags and making Wal-Mart whoopie ” but they are missing out on the adrenaline and relative comfort of this enterprise. When the series was being shopped between networks, I made two decisions: never take out your dick in Hollywood and fuck only the most unconvincing women you can find.

The rationale is that I didn’t want to be stuck fucking the same people my friends fucked. It’s a small world, in addition to being a company town, and feelings are bound to be hurt. Jealous executives could only adversely affect my career. Plus with all the bed hopping I do, the likelihood of paparazzi is guaranteed and who needs the headache?

The tabloids, being a constant, are also less likely to pick up a story about an average to homely woman with sagging tits, a belly, flared hips and a cottage cheese ass who says I hog tied and corn holed her for 8 wonderful hours than one where my co stars swap spit with a beloved character actress in a public place.

My reasoning paid off. In 6 years, the tabloids couldn’t find anything on me. The sweat pants and oversize tee shirt contingent kept my books on best-seller lists. After awhile I had co-stars begging me to take them along with me for some inconspicuous orgies with our viewers. Being the nice guy that I am, I agreed.

We had stopped into a Des Moines area mall during summer, when the show was in hiatus, and answered some questions about the release of the first season on DVD on a platform near a water fountain. It was pleasant enough but the major malls weren’t yielding the gals I was looking for. Every one was too young.

Blake and Ted, my co-stars, were signing autographs alongside me. They caught my eye and conferred with me. I shook my head. There was no one here we could take back to the hotel. Both nodded in agreement. It was about noon. They were going to sit in on a book signing of mine at 8pm at a suburban chain bookstore but we had time to kill until then.

As we were walking back to the rental cars when Blake sighed. He had been fingering a number he had gotten from a perky punkette community college student. She had gushed about the theater program there and how much she enjoyed our show.

“She will land you in the papers again, Blake” I said.

“I know, I know” he sighed back, ” but I need to put my dick in something right now and she was offering”.

“No she wasn’t” laughed Ted “she was just being a college kid and a fan. This is the Midwest remember, the kids here don’t have ulterior motives”.

“Yeah, I forgot. Just the parents, right?” Blake grinned back.

“Yup, that’s what I‘ve been told”, Ted nudged me playfully.

“Uh huh”, I grunted. I was uncomfortable. I was in trouble.