All Comments on 'Merry Little Christmas'

I HATE FUCKING LAZY AUTHORS WHO CANNOT FINISH A STORY.

I will be taking this author off of my list.........

Do you lack imagination or are you just lazy? I think you'll find EVERYBODY is going to roast you for what otherwise would have been a five star story.You want suggestions for an ending? How about - Marty comes over and kicks your ass!

Nice first story, but that cliff hanger ending was lame! Some cliffhanger endings work, and some just leave the reader annoyed. This one was the latter. Please end your stories properly. Otherwise, keep up the good work.

Josie had time to wonder "What in the world have I done". TK U MLJ LV NV

a story on an erotic stroy site with no erotica? Do you nbot get it? And lame ending.

Great story, i loved the ending because in our society you can only legally kill an asshole in a story not in real life, hopefully he gets rid of the pig of a wife too.

I know the cucks are going to blast you, but fuck them! I look forward to your next story just to see what happens to Martin. I loved your character development. To the dick that said this wasn't erotic, look at the foreword....no sex in this tale. FUCK THE MORONS keep up the good work!

For the most part the story kept moving- props for that but never went ' deep ' . The first time his girlfriend played on him, Marty boogied right away- the story wallowed & foundered in the interim of his discovery of infidelity the 2 nd time round & application of corrective action.

The dialogue was cliched throughout.The author swapped POVs at the end to endow the reader with a fuller sense of Marty's payback at the cost of continuity. Yet I respect the author's ambition & it's not easy to write 7 Lit. Pages. It was probably a wise decision not to rush this submission for the contest deadline.

When he learns to tune up a story as well as Marty can tune a engine- Literotica readers will be in for a smooth ride,

The twist at the end was completely unexpected.

Great story, and anxiously awaiting the sequel.

it's funny how fast the hater come out.....5 *'s

I enjoyed the story. I know a lot of the readers gave you abuse, but I found myself caught up in the tale. Marty is an intriguing character and he's been handed a pretty rough hand. It was entertaining just to see how he would deal with his broken marriage and his self destructive wife. Her lover was another piece of human trash. He was a bit over the top, but then we are supposed to hate the bastard, so it makes sense to stereotype him a bit.

As good as the story was, I do have to bitch some. You really need to do some proofreading, or avail yourself of the services of an editor. The many errors kept distracting me from what was a really good story. Hopefully you'll adress that in your later work. Four stars!

As far as I'm concerned the story has ended perfectly. However, Marty should get away free, the deaths of a whore and the bastard fucking her are cold cases never to be solved. However, if Josie lives she becomes so distraught tover wht she fucked away that hshe end up being a two dollar whore dying a slow lonely painful death from AIDS

I agree with LordSD on several counts. I rounded my 4.5 up to 5, partly because it is an ambitious 'Malden voyage' into LW (pun intended)! I especially found her reunion with Derrick, difficult to detail from a Marty-centric PoV, to be awkward. Could have been briefer, with more inference or subtle slips-of-tongue in her conversations with hubby, or throw in a Mel-centric PoV like the later change-up. Either option could be done without blow-by-blow (p.i.) details. The photo evidence and subsequent direct-compromising of secrecy is especially odd. The author has to resort to her misunderstanding his references to her BF as personification of her dedication to her career - highly unlikely.

I also believe there are more characters than necessary - mainly used to come together at the end to alert her to his abandonment. Hope they will be brought back into play in subsequent parts of the saga of Marty.

In your little fantasy world, you have the right to kill people because they hurt your feelings. What kind of a person are you?

I love Jim Thompson novels. They aren't about good people but you know they aren't good people when you read them. They are hideous creatures enacting hideous things because that's the dark side of life.

Your story is not like that. You take a guy, build him into a really nice guy and then suddenly shift him into a psychotic moron.

I normally don't like an open ended story like this but you went far enough it could end here and be fine. Well written. I could feel Marty's pain and anger. If you do write a sequel I suggest the wife lives and Marty gets off scott free with the money. When he gets to Pensacola he should actually find true permanent love and the cheating slut should lose her job, friends and suffer in low paying work the rest of her life.

the character changed alot. from take no shit from anybody to almost begging. still a good story.

I also find exploding Derrick's head to be egregious, and contradicts Marty's parting shot (pun still intended) about 'not having to swm away!' Way too big a consequence for a bachelor getting back together with a willing 'old flame!' (lLet's not forget that this type of opportunism is critical in the LW venue!)

Love the cliffhanger ending. The one nit I might pick is that I hate it when authors switch perspectives to give us the story from the start from the spouses viewpoint. At the party was one thing as it was necessary to further the plot. Please make sure the next part is also in this section so we can all find the next chapter. Thanks for the effort 5 from me.

Betrayal deserves punishment.

why continue when you have the perfect ending? the bastard dies and the bitch burns.

but I do have a couple of nits.

First, the ending wasn't that much of a surprise for those of us who shoot and hunt. Some guy laying prone on a balcony, looking thru 'optics'? Not binocs or a spotting scope -- optics. lol. Obvious Lee Harvey Oswald moment in the offing.

BUT!!! If he was going to do his soon-to-be-ex as well as her lover, why leave the photos at home for her to find? And the email to the boss man and the cheating wife, letting them know that he was aware of the affair? Why not just call the cops and tell them to put out an APB for the husband! 'Cause everyone knows who either did the deed, or who is at least behind it.

I also had a bit of a problem with the fact that despite the fact that he is making direct accusations to his wife that she is not putting him first, including naming Derrick, it doesn't seem to bother the wife in the least She just keeping on going like the energizer bunny. I suspect that even the dumbest wife would be shaken by such accusations, and would at a minimum stop the affair, at least for awhile.

Hope the follow-ons (that you've PROMISED!) deal with at least some of these issues. Definite 5*!

but you see there are some major mistakes or wrongs for an erotic story.

1. erotic story without erotic = failed mission (I know you said it in the intro, but anyway)

2. violence, a) is not erotic b) belongs way back to at least mid last century at least for a "simple" cheating without any mischievous plotting to either kill him or putting him in prison

3. he is now a killer, sorry end of any kind of good guy. he is not god.

4. this way this story is done and doesn't need a sequel.

5. writing was better than good but as I said you killed your story with the last couple of sentences. when she got the message he was not 200 miles away and his cellphone will prove it, it shows the point where it was sent, so the cops will be after him in no time in real life.

6. woman character again (like in most of these stories) is completly out of everything. her empathy is below 0 if she never thought that an affair would hurt him. she even knew his past. really dumb.

7. your intro, you should have resisted and unlike your comment it seems rushed, at least the so far end.

8. thanks for the story. try another one and then at least for my taste not more than 3-4 pages a chapter.

I like this story a lot, but you've left your hero in trouble as any number of people would give witness to the fact that he is the prime suspect. The other thought is just my preference: death is too good for him/them :)

Looking forward to MISSING.

Enjoyed the story. Good characters and well written. Look forward to the ending

until the last few lines. Looking forward to Missing.

He has to pay, unfortunately. Maybe he should do the Grand Canyon bit!

I agree with what a lot of people about the ending: it sucked! Really, murder? How is he better than the wife when the revenge he seeks is murder? There better be some good explanations when the next story comes out.

Really quite liked it and cannot wait to see what happens next.

Really good, man. I didn't really expect a full-on murder. Not only of the asshole Derrick, but also of the wife. I thought he would just hit the road with the new-found wealth. He is setting himself up to get arrested and convicted of murder-all the signs are there (closing all accounts, his emails/texts, etc.). I guess you are setting the protaganist up for another story, but still, this was unexpected.

The wife is hard to figure. She hunted down her hubby, picked him, seemed madly in love with him, then has this on-going and intense (but rather short) affair with her old boyfriend. I never really got her motivation. Super-hot sex? OK, but it sounds like hubby rocked her world pretty good in his own right. Plus, she admits that she could probably get hubby to do what Derrick does for her (analingus is apparently on the menu) Maybe a little emotional footprint from the past? OK, I get it, but she quickly realizes that Derrick is an arrogant asshole. She's smart, but falls into the whole blackmail trap with Derrick pretty easily. She has to know that Marty will uncover a lot of her secrets (no spouses at Christmas party, work meetings, etc.) since he is friends with at least some of her work friends (particulary Mel, who has already told wife that she won't cover for her any longer). Anyway, wife just doesn't ring true.

The story was entertaining, though, and well-written. I noticed some editing errors (including a few spelling errors), that I would expect would be cleaned up.

Also, I loved your humor (the feeling more out of place than a reggae band at a Klan meeting line was particularly good). I'll read the next story.

That said, I usually enjoy the verbal confrontation between hubby and wife when it all comes out. That didnt' happen here, though you kind of covered it by having the wife's point of view spelled out. Again, I didn't really get her, despite her internal monologue. Anyway, cheers on the effort.

Loved this story but was shocked/disappointed with the ending. Overall though, you will make a great addition to the Loving Wives catagory of authors. Just please consider revising the ending or posting an alternate. Not that he should take her back mind you.....

there are a lot of ways you can go with this. I can see a last second change of heart and he just plugs her in the shoulder or better yet the knee. Whatever you decide to do please just don't turn him into a eunuch.

But why, after all of the heart ache, you let her off the hook?

This story, for the effort you have put into it, should have your characters put through the emotional fire of the confrontation.

Why would you leave photos on the kitchen table to tie you to murder?

your build up of the main character as mano el mano looses all credibility in the last few lines of your tale of woe .you described a guy who dove a moped with 2 helmets also restores Honda civics and Prius and when he caught his wife cheating he would install the rubber and lick her clean. I WOULD SUGGEST A REWRITE

I disagree with the end, where at that point, does it matter anymore. The indifference, just go away with whatever dignity and the money, and leave them behind. No need to kill what is already dead. Liked it, I did

...if that was what he planned to do, why leave the note and pictures on the table?

Most of us prefer stories where the wife has to deal with the results of her actions, a quick and unexpected exit is not particularly satisfying, from a purely dramatic standpoint. Nothing you can say later about Marty or Derrick can fix this.

I'll echo a lot of comments. This is a great story, except...I personally and I think a lot or readers have a hard time with the hero killing his wife's lover. I know there are readers that just love death and mayhem at the end, with possibly the cheating wife being sold to a whorehouse in Mexico, but...The ending transforms the protagonist from a good guy who's been betrayed into a monster. And believe it or not, blowing somebody's head off except in wartime makes you a monster. It just doesn't fit with the preceding. And I also thought that after devoting so much time to making the hero a believable human being, you might have done a better job with the wife. But those are nits. Bottom line, you touched people. This is a story. We need more stories like it on the site. And writers. Welcome.

Why all the rigmarole when he's left pictures of the affair for her and the police will be on him immediately. Why not just walk up and blast the asshole away so he sees your face. If you really want revenge....it should be up close and personal.

It just doesn't add up considering the characterization you built up.

Good story otherwise

This was a very well constructed story even though personally I wouldn't have written the husbands character as being so calm and staying so long with his wife, but hey it's your story and it was a very good read thank you for your time and effort oh and welcome to the mixed up strange world of 'LOVING WIVES'.

I look forward to part two.

Regards

JD

I wrote mr hart and asked him about what i am about to say. I don't think the pix were left for the cops. I think he didn't shoot/intend to shoot her. I think the pix are for why he left. 5* cant wait to read missing.

I enjoyed this story right up to the last few lines. I dislike when writers try to get readers to tell them what to write. I dislike having the hero kill someone for screwing an unfaithful wife. The million and a half she placed in his account was a leap. Why was she working if she could make that kind of money on the side? Mostly, it was pretty good. Killing the lover and aiming at her dropped the story over the edge. Asking for suggestions takes the story away from the writer. Who is the author once you get some good suggestions? Make the story yours. Do it your way!

First, we have a tough biker dude who whines and is physically upset about everything in his life. "Are you a boy or are you a girl?" Physically upset to the point of not eating? Wow! Then he runs away from his cheating girlfriend. No confrontation whatsoever. There's a huge difference between running away and tearing apart his ex friend and ex girl. A wimp runs away.

In his marriage he is doing the same thing, He rides of on his bike to whine and cry. He knows his wife is cheating and he makes no effort to confront her.

Then we finally get the slut's viewpoint and I'm expecting she is being blackmailed or something. Nope. She is just a loose slut that as soon as she runs into an old boyfriend jumps into bed with him. She is an unfaithful bitch.

Then we get the macho man ending. Really? He never has been macho. What changed? I get the set up. He makes it clear to everyone that he is leaving, has already left, so he has an alibi while dip shit gets his brains blown out. But it's all bullshit. Forensics would easily show that the bullet didn't come from street level. They are going to know the car driving by was a decoy. It was a very elaborate setup but it's both completely our of character and full of holes.

The overall writing was very good and readable.

However:

Page after page of whining doesn't make a good story.

Is he a psychopath that his personality flipped so quickly?

If you are going to develop an intricate plot it needs to be solid.

If the wife is an flagrantly unfaithful bitch, no one will care what happens to her which makes the point of the whole story questionable. She's a piece of shit. Flush her.

Another boring diary like story from some wimp like looser pretending he is a tough guy, fuck people stop writing crap like this ..grow up, life hands you some knocks, only your mumy wants to hear about them okay.... is it a purely american thing that sex must be attached to violence or is it a low IQ thing, anyhow your weak story did get me fired up enough to write this, so congratulations fucker

The fruit with the wimp comments is up set because marty didn't have his wife and her lover fuck in front of him. Get sad over a non cuck or did you just not get your cock today loser. saxon keep up the good work!

out side of a few grammatical mistakes it's just like snapple.....good stuff. Hopefully the next chapter will be great stuff.

thanks for the writing.

I loved your yarn Saxon Hart. In particular you created a wonderful character in Marty. He was so full of compelling contradictions...so naive and trusting, yet knowing and suspicious. I, the reader was deliciously kept on edge wondering which side of his personality would win out...BRILLIANT! Your description of his mental anguish was terrific as the sadness grew and his rectitude got in the way of action...again brilliant! Your slow exposition of Josie's character was so heartbreaking and so delectable to read. Through the pages, I shared Marty's fervent hope and chilling despair. I so understood your codetta to your sonata, though so abrupt, shocking and sad. I eagerly await your coda. Thank you Saxon Hart. I thoroughly enjoyed your literary efforts.

I just hope he lets his slut wife live so she can suffer.

Killing her now would suck ass as far as I'm concerned.

My only complaint is that him killing at the end did not fit with the character that you created. It stood out only because you did such a good job developing him. Not so good on the wife. Thank you for the story!

A very nice first attempt! I'm sure you've heard enough about the areas readers don't like but all in all, I thought it was good. The ending might have been a little over the top but they had to pay one way or another. Hope to see more from you around here.

Relating her side of the story was unnecessary. Keep the next chapter from his perspective only.

Interestingly abrupt ending. Totally in expected. Too menu loose ends need to be tied together. Don't leave us hanging too long.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Sorry for rhe spelling errors. Lets try this again

Relating her side of the story was unnecessary. Keep the next chapter from his perspective only.

Interestingly abrupt ending. Totally unexpected. Too many loose ends need to be tied together. Don't leave us hanging too long.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Funny isn't it? Other authors pan you for the 'supposed' murder(s) - not proven yet - and one author in particular included one in his own epic without any further ado. Sounds like hypocrisy to me.

Ignore the naysayers - they haven't had their meds yet and are still waiting for their cuck-boy to chew their food for them.

I liked your story a lot. Some really good stuff in it - especially liked the bit about giving his hair to that Cancer charity.

I reckon that later on, you could write a really cool romance or even a RAAC if you wanted to put your mind to it.

There's only two authors on this site that I like - one of them has his name in Capitals starting with a P which includes an amphibian in it. Keep this standard of writing up and I'll have you right up there with him.

Thank you for your story. 5*****

Very good story, however, I had to downgrade it from 5 to 1 star because of the ending. Murders allow for a quick ending; it seems that the author did not know how to end the story properly. DEH

Good story, but it could have been better. The shooting at the end is over the top. He may have known seedy people but it was out of character for him. Even if people can be pushed to the extreme, the killing makes no sense. If you wanted to shoot her lover Derrick, why not have him shot his balls off but let him live. I also think an author should write his own story, not ask readers how to continue. You seem to have the new story outlined or ready, so what's the point in asking for input. In any case, for a first, you gathered a good response, like it or not. That should mean something.

Otherwise it would have just been another pitiable wimp story.

The two were dead to him anway, why the need ? Let him just go forward with his self and the money, go forward and leave them, be their wish to be together or apart.

the price of cheating is not murder. Well maybe under the Taliban. that aside, the characters were not so believable, wimpey for most of the story, bizarre at the end Stalking anon said it very well.

The more who know of the murder, the more danger of discovery. the protagonist was dumb

It was a pretty good story. I wanted to know about those headaches Marty was having and why. Was it because he forgot to eat alot? Hmmm...

Something that bothered me though. You said Marty was a welder/a diver/a car restorer/a motorcyclist/and basically a maintenance repair guy. You never mentioned he had a military background or that he liked to shoot or go hunting. On TV the actors make it look easy to be a sniper. But it really isn't. Very, very few people can pick up a rifle for the first time and make a shot like that at that angle. Especially at night 500 yards away. Alot of people don't know it, but it's actually harder to shoot at a downward angle than it is straight on. And head shots are the hardest target to hit on the human body. All it takes for a miss is for the target to move his head just a few inches right, left or even downward. Most good snipers who really want to put their target down aim for the chest. Easier to hit because as the center of the human body it takes more movement to generate a miss.

The evil seducer didn't suffer at all. When I'm a bit older, I hope to die as painlessly as he did. However, if I had been the hubby, my adversary would suffer a long, long time.

and I hoped you'd go in this direction with the entire rigamerole that you established when I first read about the balcony.

The last line should have said 'A big red ink dot appeared on Derrick's chest."

(I'll overlook how you can't snipe with a paintball gun)

That was enough to induce a nice little bowel movement and wake up call for Mr. Derrick. He could have lost everything for fucking someone he shouldn't. You don't piss on anyone like that, particularly a biker. Not that blatantly.

It would have informed that cunt of a wife of his that she had pushed things very far and her amount of disrespect COULD have caused the death of someone (or MORE then someONE as you alluded to). She would have been singularly responsible for one or more deaths and her husband a fugative or a prisoner...after having been warned multiple times. She supposedly felt guilty? That was nothing compared to what could have happened.

It would also be marginally legal and fit with the rest of the story about leaving her with ashes.

But that is what you wrote and there are no take backs. You need to go on from there.

Good luck.

Husband takes no action after her blatant affair. He is seriously injured and wife keeps banging her boyfriend. Physicians should lose their licenses over their negligent care of the husband. No explanation for wife's conduct. Wast of time reading this. Don't waste your time writing.

Enjoyed your story but there were a few too occasions where you went from A to C without touching on B, thereby reducing the readability. Carry on Saxon.

So my question is, when was he in the military and how did he manage to get a trade at the same time as being a fucking sniper? This story has more holes than swiss cheese and if you want to write shit, I suggest you not post it.

This guy was a total douchebag from sentance one and if I were his wife, I would have cheated on his sorry ass as well, then divorced him and taken his ass and his balls and posted them on my mantle as a warning to "real men" that bullshit won't be tolerated.

I'm not sure what rock you crawled out from under; but go back to the gay bars where you seem to really want to be.

Right up to the last part of the story you spent 5 and a half pages building up Marty as a character who we could like an then in the last part you turn him into someone no one can see a good side of which is a shame.

Also you might look at using an editor as there were a few glaring error's in the story the main one being the use of italics when your wrote the letters but changed out of it half way through

just wondering how long it will take to see the rest of the story

I like the story and I"m not sorry he shot the lover but I'm hoping he spared his wife.

You have a new fan! Looking forward to the next chapter you promised!

Loved the story up until the ending. Not blasting you for the ending per se, it just did not match up with the story/characters you have created.

I have read your incest work, unlike the "kill the cunts" sicko earlier I don't think you have sexwith your sister(if you even have one) The only disappointment for me is the lack of sex. You wrote good sex scenes for your incest pieces why not here? You are cheating the LW crowd with non sex stories, and I hope you aren't abandoning I/T

There are so many elements of this story that I liked that I felt obligated to write this comment.

Your style, with the liberal use of asides, added a certain texture to the story and helped give a lot of depth to the husband’s character. The writing flowed very well and you used short paragraphs to your advantage through most of this tale. There were a number of typos early on, so you could have made the editing tighter, but the story still kept my interest.

Your treatment of how Martin fell into a depression over the loss of his child particularly hit home. Someone close to me had this happen early in their marriage and he was devastated. But my friend could only share his feelings with me (his best friend) and his brother…not his wife. So I thought your portrayal was dead on.

The problem I had with this element of the story was that you failed to integrate it into the plot. This became an orphan storyline, just hanging out there with no relevance to either Martin or Josie’s relationship. I fully expected you to use the miscarriage as a basis for Josie’s personality change; instead we learn that Josie simply wanted both men as lovers.

There was an economy of words through the first 90% of this story. I felt that every paragraph was stated so well that nothing more needed to be said.

However, in the last 10% you seemed to lose focus. Martin’s actions became somewhat redundant. He kept bickering with Josie to commit to him, he kept crying over and over again. He kept stating over and over how he would give Josie every opportunity to return to him. He said this to the point of irritation.

Like a papatoad husband, Martin seems intent on fleeing without ever confronting his wife. Martin does however, sell his car, clean out his bank account, file for divorce, and mislead everyone by telling them he his is starting anew in Vancouver.

And then Marty kills Derrick.

I never saw that coming. I was stunned, but not because something hidden suddenly was exposed and I failed to see it. No, I was stunned because it just didn’t make sense. This action came as if from another story, it was inconsistent with the existing storyline.

Likewise, you thought it necessary to suddenly change voice and give us the story from Josie’s perspective. This occurred much too late in the tale and hurt the flow.

Near the end of this tale a friend of Martin’s relates to Derrick that Martin was a member of a biker gang. This was another new piece of news. However, when the murder occurs it became evident that Martin had accomplices.

Martin has left so many clues that it would be hard for me to believe that he wouldn’t be the number one suspect in Derrick’s murder.

Why did Martin resort to murder? Why kill Derrick when it was Josie with whom he had traded vows. Why does Josie escape? But beyond that, why is the threshold for justifying a murder so low in this story? Was there ever any thought that the response here was disproportionate to the offense? Does an attack on one’s pride justify killing someone?

I’ll likely read your follow up to this story but I can’t imagine how you can salvage the main character and make him even remotely sympathetic to me as a reader. I’m curious but not hopeful.

This story has several plot lines developed but left hanging. I can't wait for the ending.

The only problem that I have is the biker crying. That goes against the man code. Men are told to never cry or hit women. I honestly do not think I have ever seen a man cry unless it was on tv. He doesn't have to have military training to be a good shot as some have said. Good hunters know how to sneak around and put the bullets where they want them to go. He probably developed a love for motorcycles from those around him when he was younger but never got into the hardcore lifestyle. That could explain a lot of what happened here. He wasn't cut out for hardcore until his wife cheated on him. Now his bro's can cover him if that is the way you choose to go. If not you have to explain how a biker who doesn't give a shit about most things became a sensitive suit wearer. I liked it other than that, you have a talent for this. You may want to remember that there are gator holes in Florida also. :) No fuss no muss. Have you been following me around? Except for the cheating wife and the crying....

not EVERY single god damn story is great and terrific

90 % of this story was well-written, because the proceedings matched with the well-developed character of Marty. But then came the fall: Josie's POV lacked even a trace of credibility. All I got of this part of the story: she deserved losing her husband!

But it was mainly the ending that did not fit the story at all:

Why shoot the bastard, when the deed is already done and the marriage is over? The only outcome of this murder would be self-destruction. And, dear author, this murder-plot doesn't comply with Marty's character at all!

So, if you like to know my opinion: find a way to eliminate the last few lines (e. g. as pure imagination of the wronged husband) and go on to tell us about her - hopefully not successful - atemps to find her husband and repair the damages.

5 * despite the shortcomings

holy crap this is AWFUL. Throughout the story this faggot BIker is Wallowing in self-pity, cries ALL the time and drinks and starves himself to death

On Page 4... when Marty is back in the Hopsital s 2nd time he still says that If the wife STOPS seeing the other he will take her back.

Marty was almost Killed DIRECTLY because of the wives horrible words.The words that made him burst out and start crying - I am surprise he did not say

" Mommy you hurt my feeelings!!!'

Lying in the hospital bed close to death .. the wfie again chooses the Other guy.

If a near death experience caused by the wife's lying and cheating doesnt get her stop...

why bother ? The rest of this story is just 3 pages of crap

I guess it emans that 2012 is going to be a shitty year for good LW stories.

This is a great story. Can't wait for "Missing".

Contrary to others' comments, you set the murder up in your first paragraph. We knew at least part of how it would end. I also don't think the violent act was out of character. His biker past (although the references to both Angels and Sons of silence was confusing to an outsider) makes it credible that he had a violent past and was just so in love that he put it behind him and gave his cheating wife every opportunity for redemption. This capacity for vengeance was also evident in his willingness to see his former flame go to jail for 5 years. The greater betrayal explains the greater vengeance (but does not justify it--I too think the response was disproportionate)

I look forward to your next story. I could see reconciliation if it weren't for the murder. Yes, fuckwad deserved pain too--I have no respect for those who shit on others' vows. But her betrayal was worse. If he killed fuckwad, it is completely implausible for him to forgive. Too bad, too, beacause her depression combined with believable, appropriate penitance would have sold the reconciliation for me.

Please keep writing

Wulf

He is leaving a trail of stones right to him,he tells eastwood about the affair and gives his lawyer evidence which i believe as an officer of the court he can't cover with attorney client privilege. He would be the prime suspect and would get caught.

The wife isn't believable if she wanted to break it off why go to the party?she had to know that the only way to have a chance would be to tell marty the truth thus getting rid of the blackmail angle. I also will add that no one could take even a hefty part of a machinists salary and make 1.5 million in 6 years,assume the base was 60 grand,doubling it would be a typical great

at best he could claim temporary insanity from the accident but it would be a long shot.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR PART 2..

Wrong! This is highly disproportionate retaliation. There was no abuse or vindictive actions here. A arrogant asshole and a non-attentive wife-slut. I hate cheaters, no I loathe cheaters, but murder is not warranted. Mental abuse like demining a man or woman and rudding it in thier face over and over. Ok you reap what you sow. No, murder is not called for nor is it wise to do now.

When they look for suspect the husband will always be at the top. Now we have one that has told everyone how she is cheating on him, liquidated all the assets, skips town, and has ties to a violent biker gang. That makes him not a person of interest but suspect 1 through 10. They will not even look elsewhere. Any first year cop will know the difference from a handgun shot to the head and a high power rife.

I would find it awkward for the story to end with the last scene being just a dream of Marty's that he has on the first night on the run -- but I think that would fit. He'd wake up just as he was firing the second shot. That seems like it would fit with the character...he'd be horrified that he recall feeling in the dream such satisfaction with the violent act, when in reality his real revenge act, foreshadowed with the hinted contacts/purchases is sprung in the hotel room on the other man and whomever he's hooked up with at the party after the wife ditches him. The conflict would be that while Marty would see the wife didn't stray at the party, he'd still decide to keep running away because of her prior acts of infidelities.

Am I the only one that got he was telling everyone he was going to Vancouver and not Pensicola, so the authorities would look there and not P'cola? Its called misdirection and I thought that was where this was going.

Having been on the receiving end of a cheating bitch I do have an observation. Killing the bitch and bastard as a fantasy is fun, but as a couple of great authors on this site have observed: Living well is the best revenge. My ex's stupidity cost her a marriage, friends, family, and a ton of money to end up with a loser. I got a great gal in comparison and a whole new life that can't even compare to the previous nightmare.

Give Marty the ability to show up years into the future with a great family, nice tan :) and a ton of money. Leaving her brokenhearted, and hopefully poor is more fun in the end.

I also agree with HDK and some of the other Greats from this site. Make this story your own. If you don't like how you end this one, write another. We'll read it.

some people say the retalition was disproportionate. I might disagree she duped him and he almost died. someone would have to suffer.

right up till the last page.

First, 1.5 million on his salary. I don't think so. This has been a down economy. No one is getting the return they did 12 years ago.

The whole shooting is way over the top. It reminds me of something that would be in the mind of a teenager.

Of course there were some good things about the story too. But its the end we remember.

Thanks for the story.

I think shooting the bastard is warranted. When I grew up, my parents used to say that if you caught your spouse cheating you could shoot the other person, but you were stuck with your spouse for life. In real life, I'm sure there are plenty of murders that happen because of cheating. Certainly most cheaters don't suffer that, but it does happen. In this case, the husband begged her to stop. His motorcycle riding without the helmet was obvious self-destructive behavior. He felt like he had been destroyed, so it is logical that he would eventually turn that anger into murderous rage.

The two character traits that don't make sense are the wife's apparent concern for his well being while continuing to betray him with her boyfriend, and his wimpiness up till the point that he picks up a rifle. If she was so concerned when he was injured and sick, why would she continue to cheat on him? He is supposed to be a tough biker, why didn't he just kick the boyfriend's ass?

Still, I hope to see the followup story.

The story is pretty good. The 1.4 millon I would question but then again some people do make a lot of money in a down economy. The sad thing is with this ending Derrick really didn't get what he deserved. He deserved to get hurt bad and a hurt that he would have to live with the rest of his life. Sort of like a story I once read where a prisoner was being question by a man searching for his wife, the man knew that the prisoner wasn't scared of dying but made it clear that if he didn't answer the questions he would live the rest of his live without hands or feet so he will always have to rely on someone else for the rest of his life.

Hell shoot his pecker off, or take something away from him that means more to him than anything else in the world. Take his job away from him, destroy his family's way to make a living, seduce his mother from his father or if he has sisters try and destroy their marriages or relationships and even to the point that he also causes the father or uncle to have affairs also and then let the family know why it happened. I mean a bullet through the head is too easy of away out for him. You have to make him pay in away so that he knows about it. Well I hope Marty was just having a dream and the police won't be looking for him to question him about it and he would be the number one suspect. Hope to read more about this story. Death is just to final if you really want revenge.

Thanks for sharing.

For everyone waiting on "Missing". I sent it to my editor over a month ago and haven't got it back. Not that getting it back matters....I recently split from my long term gf. On her way out she swiped my pc so publishing is impossible. I will have the situation remedied soon and I'll be back.with a vengeance. I'll update on twitter if you care to follow. @SaxonHart.

Damn, well i guess we will have to wait. im sure you can spin a story with some feeling about this latest development AFTER we read part 2 thanks! btw i rated a 5!!~

Good story although the ending seemed a little over the top. Waiting for the next chapter. Thanks for writing.

The ending wasn't over the top. Any wife that treats her husband like that deserves to die along with the bastard she is cheating with. If you did not like that ending maybe the slut and derrick gets married and she actually gets knocked up but the baby is born dead

but the bringing in the sheeps instead. TK U MLJ LV NV

I think he knows. TK U MLJ LV NV for SH good deal using rock and band stars and main chraracters. mlj

It is really sad to have read five and a half pages, really getting into a story that could go either way and still be good, only to find that you had wasted your time when you finished the last half page.

but in the end he didn't stay with her. I hope he shot her right through the cheating heart.

Had me fooled!

"penned" story was too full of inconsistencies and unearthly behavior to work. The authors here have severe difficulty giving criticism of any kind, constructive or otherwise so I'd go with what one anon said re the Drs. all losing licenses due to negligent treatment,(a couple percs hours after admittance?) and the crying etc etc. I feel like I wasted some serious time here because you could not turn in a long plot without fatal holes in it.

What, you ran out of ideas or something? I changed the ending in my mind to get over your shortcomings. Four stars.

too short ending and he actually didnt need to kill them, the killing thing came totally out of charechter

Why kill them? No bitch is worth the death penalty.... He had millions of dollars, do why didn't he just start over? Dump the slut & move on. Killing her just made him a complete ass & murderer! I don't really sense the love at the end it was totally different from the beginning when he clearly loved her but at the end he killed her..... It just made him weak & he lost my sympathy... Obviously he's crazy, who the fuck goes around killing people? She fucked him over he should've manned up & move on