Mike & Savy Ch. 08

I didn't know what to do.

I left for Raleigh at noon the next day. I let my eyes focus on the road, the cars around me, the signs. Nothing else.

A bit after six, I knocked on the door of a beautiful colonial house with a perfectly manicured lawn. Josh opened the door and grinned at me, then pulled me into his arms.

"You're here!"

"Hi."

He grabbed my bag and guided me inside. After setting my bag on the stairs, he took my hand and I followed him into the dining room. His family was sitting down to dinner.

I covered my mouth.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt."

Josh squeezed my hand. A beautiful blonde woman stood up.

"No, no, dear! Come in. Sit down!"

Josh spoke, "Mom, dad, everyone, this is Savannah. Savannah, this is my mom, dad, Chris, and Sarah." He pointed out each one. Chris and Sarah were his younger brother and sister. His mom asked me to call her Julie and his dad, with a deep southern drawl, asked me to call him Charles. I could see where Josh got his baby face and good looks from.

When I was seated at the table, Julie started, "Savannah, Joshua has told us so much about you. He says you're the most incredible violinist and that's how you two met."

I blushed. "Oh, well... yes. I mean, we met in the performing arts center."

Josh cut in. "Don't be modest. After Savannah's first concert, the dean of the music school offered her a full scholarship. She was spectacular and she has been ever since."

I lowered my eyes at his gushing praise.

Julie served me a plate, with excellent pot roast, vegetables, and salad. The rest of dinner was question after question. Now I knew what Josh felt like that first time he ate with Maria and I. I did my best to answer, describing where I was from, how I'd come to play violin, that I studied biology and music was actually a minor. I stumbled a bit when Charles asked about my family. Josh helped, saying that my brother worked at NASA and had lived in Spain for a year while my mom was incredibly kind to him and supportive of me.

After dinner, I tried to help clear the table, but Julie wouldn't have any part of that. She and Sarah took care of the dishes, while Josh, Charles, Chris, and I went into the living room. They seemed to be a very traditional family. We talked for a bit longer, but I was tired from the drive... and not sleeping particularly well. Julie and Josh showed me to a guest room upstairs, as well as where the bathroom was.

After Julie went downstairs, I sat on the edge of my bed.

"Sorry about my parents. They've just been very excited to meet you."

"It's okay. They're very lovely."

"They get up pretty early, but sleep as long as you want. Nobody will bother you and it's very quiet here."

"Okay, thank you."

"I'm glad you're here."

He stepped towards me and I stood up to face him. He wrapped his arms around me and I hugged him back, lightly pressing my hands against his back.

"Good night, Savannah."

"Night, Josh."

He left the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

I lay in bed, another night of complete uncertainty in my head.

The next day was New Year's Eve. I woke up and went downstairs around nine. The house was already bustling with activity, though true to Josh's word, I hadn't heard a thing. Julie immediately took my hand and sat me down at the kitchen bar. It was an absolutely incredible kitchen, huge with modern appliances, granite counters, and very well designed. Sarah asked if I'd like coffee or tea, while Julie set a plate of pastries in front of me.

"Help yourself honey. You are so tiny, I hope you'll eat plenty while you're here. And beautiful, too, of course."

I lowered my head and thanked her.

We sat and chatted for a few minutes until Josh came in, huffing a bit.

"Mornin', Savannah. I've gotta help my dad and brothers with some stuff outside. Are you okay in here?"

"Oh, of course. Your mother's taking good care of me."

Julie, in a very motherly voice, "Alright, Joshua, now git outside before you get dirt all over my kitchen." He looked down at his boots, then back up at me and grinned before going back outside.

The rest of the morning was spent sitting and talking with Julie and Sarah. In the afternoon, the guys came inside and got cleaned up while Julie finally let me help her with preparing the house for the party. I couldn't hold a candle to her in cooking the myriad of appetizers and finger foods she did, but I did my best to help set out various drink stations, plates and silverware, and any other things I could find to help with.

In the evening, I changed into a silver blouse and plaid skirt, which received a favorable review from everyone. The doorbell started ringing as their family friends came by. Soon, the house was full of people and the atmosphere was very festive. Josh introduced me to several people, before Julie took over. She walked over to one older couple.

"Bill, Diane, I'd like you to meet Josh's fi... girlfriend, Savannah. She goes to Maryland with him and is a wonderful violinist."

Bill looked at me and said, "Well, I'll try not to hold it against you," and tapped a University of North Carolina logo on his sweater. Diane elbowed him, "Oh behave. It's very lovely to meet you, Savannah. We're old family friends and we're thrilled you could join us." Bill finished, "I think I can let the Maryland thing slide for a lady as beautiful as you."

Julie continued walking me around, introducing me to everyone else one at a time. Eventually, I guess I'd met everyone, and she let me sit down for a bit. Josh asked me how I was doing and brought me a glass of wine. We sat and chatted for a bit, but he seemed rather nervous. He was quickly back on his feet and moving around the room, taking care of guests.

Before midnight, the New York New Year's celebration was on the television and people were starting to gather in the living room. Josh came over and held out his hand to me. I took it and he lead me to an adjacent room, which looked like a formal parlor. He closed the doors behind us and we were alone.

It was wonderfully decorated in wood and a grand piano was in one corner. Josh went and sat at the piano. I followed and sat next to him.

He tapped out a few notes of "Anna's Theme" from The Red Violin before taking my hand in his.

"You were playing that the first time I saw you. Savannah, after I saw you that first time playing violin, I spent the entire semester trying to find you again. I didn't think I ever would and then you walked into ensemble. I didn't get to just see you again, I got to play with you.

"You are so unbelievably incredible. You are sweet and talented, beautiful and intelligent. You are so special."

He placed a small box on the keys and let go of my hand long enough to open the lid. My hand went to my mouth.

"This was my grandmother's ring. Savannah, I love you and I don't ever want to be without you. I will love you for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?"

I couldn't breathe.

I looked back and forth between the ring and his eyes. Josh's eyes were on mine.

No. No. This can't be happening.

"Josh... I..."

Just then, a loud cheer from the other room startled me. It was midnight.

I reached up and picked up the box.

"... I can't."

I closed the lid and set the box down.

Josh's eyes filled with panic. His voice was hoarse, "What?"

"I'm sorry. I can't."

He almost whispered, "Why?"

"Josh... I love you, but... I... can't."

We sat quietly. The box rested on the piano in plain sight. Minutes passed.

"Savannah. We don't have to get married right away. We should wait until after we graduate, maybe even longer while we get settled."

His voice was soft, his eyes pleading with me.

"It's not that. It's... I..."

I couldn't say it.

"Savannah, I'm going to ask you something and I'd like for you to be honest with me. You told me that you had a bad relationship before we met... and that was why you started playing violin again. You never told me what happened."

"Josh... I was engaged."

"When I was at your house for Thanksgiving, I woke up before you. I was walking into the kitchen and I heard your mother saying that she understood how hard everything was and she hoped it would get better. She was talking to your brother. You said he left and went to Spain at the end of your freshman year... and when he came back, it was hard for you... y'all didn't have a good relationship."

Oh no...

"And now he's back and... things are better between you two. Savannah... what happened?"

I was crying.

"Josh..."

He knew.

"Were you engaged... to Mike?"

I could barely speak.

"Yes."

"And you can't marry me because..."

"I love him."

He said nothing.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't... this wasn't supposed to happen."

"What wasn't supposed to happen? I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, ask you to marry me?"

He was louder now, angry. I didn't blame him.

"Was I just filling time for you?"

"No... no... he was gone. And we were over. And then I met you. And I fell for you. You're so sweet and..."

"But now he's back and you're done with me."

"That's not..."

"Savannah. You are welcome to stay the night, but I think you should go back to Maryland tomorrow morning."

He got up and left the room. I slumped against the piano. The box still sat on the keys next to me.

I stayed there in my shame until I couldn't hear anyone in the other room. I got up and wiped my face, then opened the door and looked out. I didn't see anyone.

I stepped out and went towards the stairs. When I turned the corner, I saw Charles sitting in the kitchen. He was looking right at me.

"Savannah, come sit down, please."

I walked with my head low and slid into a stool a few seats down from him.

"Are you okay?"

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes.

"It'll be okay. Look, I'm gonna be straight with you. I'm not thrilled you broke my boy's heart, but I don't hate you or anything, so please don't think that. Now, his mom's a different cookie, but that's her and that's okay.

"Sometimes things just ain't meant to be. I know that and Josh'll learn it too. Sometimes you don't even know until something happens to put it right in front of you.

"We would have really loved having you be a part of our family, but that wasn't meant to be. Stay here tonight. You don't need to be driving now. In the morning, we'll get you some coffee and breakfast and then you can go home to your mama. This is hard, but she'll be there for you."

"Thank you." It was all I could say to his kindness in the face of what had just happened.

He stood up and rested his hand on my shoulder.

"Get some sleep now."

I got up and went upstairs. Josh was just down the hall. I had hurt him so badly. I didn't want to. I had loved him... I still loved him. He was so sweet. He didn't deserve this. But if I had said yes, then what?

I should have known sooner. I would still have hurt him, but not like this.

I am a horrible person.

I got up the next morning and quickly got dressed and packed my things. I pressed my hand against the door and took a deep breath. I opened it. I could hear noise downstairs, but couldn't tell who it was or what room it was coming from.

I went to the steps and walked down as softly as I could. I immediately went to the front door and slipped outside.

"Yeah, I thought you might try to slip out quietly."

I jumped. It was Charles. He was sitting in a chair on the porch.

"Here, before you go."

He held up a takeout cup of coffee and a plastic bag with something in it.

"Ch... Charles. I'm so sorry."

He stood up and walked to me, put his hand on my back and we stepped off the porch together. We walked to my car.

"Honey, like I said, sometimes things just ain't meant to be. I ain't gonna blame ya for that. Don't worry, we'll take care of Josh. You take care of yourself and be with your family. They're the ones who'll always love ya, no matter what."

I was starting to cry again. Charles looked down at me.

"You'll be okay."

"Thanks..."

I got in my car, wiped my eyes, and backed out of their driveway.

Goodbye, Josh. I can't tell you how sorry I am.

__________

I got back to College Park. The apartment was empty. I spent the day collecting various things of Josh's and put them in a box. I didn't know how I'd get them to him. I couldn't imagine that he'd want to see me. I didn't know what I could say to him if he did. After what I'd done to him, "I'm sorry," just isn't enough. I set the box by the door.

That night, I made a box of macaroni and cheese for myself, then watched some bowl game alone. That was a good thing. I needed to be alone.

I had loved two men in my life and I had hurt both of them through my own stupidity and not being able to control my own emotions. I couldn't keep going through life doing that. I couldn't keep hurting people.

I didn't sleep well that night.

The next morning, Maria came back. I was already up and vacuuming the living room. I turned it off when she came inside.

She looked surprised and said, "Oh, hey honey, I didn't expect you to be back from North Carolina yet. When did you leave?"

"Yesterday."

"Yesterday? Did something happen?"

We sat together and I told her everything that had happened from the time I last saw her before Christmas. I told her about seeing Mike and the conflicted feelings I had had, then about seeing Josh. And then when he asked me to marry him, I knew that I couldn't. I didn't just love Mike as my brother. I truly loved him. Even if I didn't know whether or not Mike and I could ever be together again, I couldn't marry Josh.

Maria sat with a shocked look through the entire story. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face, hiding my shame behind my hair.

"You think I'm awful, don't you..."

"No, honey. I don't think you're awful. You have been through so much and I know it hasn't been easy. You're doing the best you can. Awful would have been saying yes to Josh and then breaking his heart."

She scooted next to me and hugged me.

We spent the rest of the day together, talking about so much of what had happened. I couldn't help but think that through everything, all of the mistakes I had made, Maria had been there for me. I felt like I didn't even deserve her friendship.

I had an email from mom, asking how my trip had been. I emailed her back, letting her know that I was okay and that I'd call and tell her about the trip later when I had more time. I just couldn't talk to her about it right now.

On Monday, I went to the performing arts center and then to Max's office. I had to let him know. He wasn't in when I got there, but after about an hour, he showed up. I told him that Josh and I had broken up. He didn't need all of the details, but I said that he should be ready if Josh comes back and says that he would never play with me again.

We talked about various options and I said that whatever Josh wanted should be the way forward. I didn't want him to leave the ensemble group, as he'd played with them longer than I had and I was the one who had hurt him.

I also assured Max that I wouldn't leave the music program. We'd figure a way to work things out. After a long conversation, I left to go back to the apartment.

Maria must have gone back to see her family again while I was out, because when I came back, she had enough homemade Filipino food to last for what looked like a month. We spent the next few days together, eating, watching movies and TV, and talking.

I had neglected her when I had been with Josh and she had always been there for me in my darkest hours. I wanted to hear all about her and I pelted her with questions about her classes and her family.

I went back to see Max on Thursday and he told me that Josh had indeed emailed him and asked to leave the ensemble. Max told Josh to stay, that I would be going to do other things. I thanked him and he promised he'd keep an eye on Josh for me.

Back at the apartment, I knew that I'd have to talk to Mike soon. I had to figure out what I was going to tell him.

Yes, I absolutely loved him. I knew that more than I knew any other single fact about myself. But I had just hurt someone who I cared about very deeply and I still hadn't forgiven myself for hurting Mike when he came back from Spain and two years ago, too.

I need to get myself back on track, back to being the person that I want to be. I knew Mike and I knew that he would understand.

On Friday, I texted him and asked if he'd meet me on Saturday at Looney's. I didn't want to see him in private yet. I wanted to tell him so much, but I couldn't risk that I'd force him into a decision. We had to talk and know each other. I would tell him what I needed to, what I hoped he wanted to hear, and then I would give us time.

He responded and we made plans to meet at noon.

On Saturday, I woke up early and did some various chores around the apartment before making the short walk to Looney's. I got there early, at about eleven. I sat and drank a coke while I waited. Eventually the waitress came back and asked if I wanted anything else, but I said I was waiting for someone.

My eyes were constantly scanning the pub and a few minutes past noon, I spotted Mike coming across the floor to me. He sat down across from me and gave me a small smile.

He asked, "Hey, how's it going?"

"I'm okay. Did you have a good time out west?"

I wished I could have been there with him.

"Yeah, Jeff and Mia said to tell you hi and they hope you'll go out there with them some time. Did you have a good trip?"

Okay, here goes...

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about..."

The waitress came back, seeing that the person I was meeting had now shown up. Mike asked for two cokes, looking rather perturbed.

I breathed deeply, "I just... I wanted you to know..."

I stopped, trying to collect my thoughts, get my feelings, emotions, and brain on the same page.

"... Josh asked me to marry him."

Mike's face completely fell. I watched as his eyes went down, looking at my hand on the table.

I wasn't wearing a ring.

End of Chapter 8.