by Lesbofreak57
The comments about shaved pussy and the pills are part of this generation. There is nothing wrong with either one. What we need is more of this story. You are just getting us warmed up. Where are they? Seniors in high school usually have parents, but she's screaming in orgasms and no one is coming. It's a beautiful beginning to this love story, so give us a few more chapters of hot sex, maybe a three some with one of her friends who doesn't believe Victoria. Good job! Keep writing.
XYZ
I like hairy pussies and hate condoms. The pill scene wasn't a great addition.
I agree with PreciousKitty82's view, from when you added in the pills it seemed like a story meant for Quotev website, your writing portrays you as a young (teen) writer, but even if you are, your writing doesn't need to let us know that, but great beginning it pulled me in :)
So, it started off quite right. Then she went to the bathroom to pop some pills...and you lost me right there. That truly ruined what could have been a great start to a story that could have initially had a sequel.
How can I concentrate on the erotic version of the story when all I'm thinking of is, "Why is she popping pills? What kind of pills is she taking and what has happened to her to make her feel this way?"
Which, for me, makes this story incomplete. Your female character is not equipped to handle the emotions she's feeling, so it makes the entire story itself extremely unbelievable.
You do have potential as a writer, especially in erotica. My best advice is to take more time developing your characters and concentrate on what type of story you'd like to tell the audience.
I say keep going. it will get greater later.
"She's little. She can barely reach over the stove. She's about 5'3""
Wow, how tall is the stove? I'm 5'3" and have NO trouble reaching over the stove. 1* I stopped reading there.
Yes, a very nice and arousing story........ Now you need to get them comfortable with sex play and seeing what else she has really wanted ! Please write more chapters, as its a nice start. Thank you.F614
Screwing a suicidal pill popper isn't an erotic tale as much as the beginning of a cautionary one. I liked the characters, but feel as though Victoria's issues were glossed over.
Many friends with similar feelings are reluctant to take next step. Better to take a chance than regret it for a long time.
A little longer transition from friends to lovers might be helpful. Check out the difference between brake and break.
Nice characters and plot. Good dialog.
Keep writing.