Musings #1: Leaves & Lovers

He whispered to me.

“Oh, Jenny.” was all he said.

It was enough to break the spell.

“Mmm…” I groaned and took him in my hand. “What’s wrong? Is this o.k.?”

“Nothing is wrong. You are wonderful.”

I took him back into my mouth, but it wasn’t the same. I parted my knees and snaked my other hand down to rub over my mound. Three, four passes only. Then I parted my labia and slid the length of my fingers down either side of my clit. I let the tips trace the outline of my opening. Absolute sensual pleasure.

I pressed a finger inside myself and began working it in and out. ‘What am I doing? I’ve never done this in front of a guy!’ I thought. Well, o.k., I had, but not inside like that. But it felt good and I began to raise and lower my hips in time to my explorations. Hmmm, I wasn’t being exactly subtle either.

With my other hand I held the base of his cock and began to alternate taking him into my mouth and licking along the underside. I began thinking about my technique…damn, that takes the fun right out of things. Don’t they realize that it takes a lot of creativity to do this for any length of time? I reached my decision.

“Change Out!” I called.

“What?”

“My turn to receive.”

I laid back on the carpet, spread my legs and continued to masturbate in front of him. ‘Well so much for the couch. Or any remaining dignity,’ I laughed to myself. But the look on his face told me that those thoughts were furthest from his mind.

He took the hint and knelt between my feet. He leaned forward and began to kiss my thighs just above my knees. He slowly made his way upward.

“You are teasing me.” I said softly.

He whispered between kisses, “Wrong.”

“…You are teasing me.”

“…It is only fair...”

“…that you feel some…”

“…of what I am right now.”

With that he kissed me lightly just above my clit. Once. Twice. Then he paused and slowly drew his tongue down one side and around my opening. He was building the tension in me expertly. Now this was delicious. And, I thought, so much better than most of the guys I know.

I couldn’t help it. I began to rock my hips, reaching for him. He slipped his hands under my legs, grabbed my hips and pulled me into him. He pressed firmly into my center and flicked my clit lightly against his teeth. God, I was almost there. I moaned, or squeeked really – I wish I had moaned. It seems more classy somehow.

He stopped.

He looked up.

He grinned, “We are even now. Come here.”

He rolled onto his back.

“On top? Mmmm…o.k. I want you inside of me.”

I rolled over and straddled him. I reached beneath me to guide him into place. I wanted him all at once and drove myself all the way down onto him.

Oh yeah, it was right. It felt good. I felt him move within me, straining to push further. I rose to the point where I felt the head of his penis begin to slip from me. Just to the point where I felt myself loose control over his organ, but where I could still feel myself wrapped around him at my opening. I paused for the briefest time, long enough to look in his eyes and see that familiar look of surprise and then yearning.

“No, NOW we are even.” I said.

He groaned in answer and began to open his mouth to speak.

I dropped myself fully upon him and rocked my pelvis forward, grinding myself into him. His fingers dug into my thighs. Back and forth I ground my clit against him. I didn’t rise. I relished the feel of him buried inside me and stretching me. I made love to him like that until I saw him close his eyes and begin his own effort to push up into me. Oh, he was close.

I was getting there too, but I usually have trouble climaxing that way.

“I want you on top.” I asked as I continued to ride him. He hesitated.

Then in a breathless whisper, “I need you on top. Now. Please.”

He came fully alert, grabbed my arms and pushed me over. He rolled with me and immediately thrust into me as far as he could go.

“Yes, like that, I want it hard.”

He let loose and did as I asked. He took me fast with deep strokes. With his full weight he pressed me into the carpet. It was what I needed and I began my climax almost immediately. It was one of the most powerful orgasms I had experienced in a long time. I clasped him with my arms and legs as it overtook me. I drew up my knees and clamped them tightly to his sides. He kept up the assault and drew out my orgasm for what seemed forever.

He didn’t slow his pace until my orgasm was subsiding. He then began slow deep strokes that continued to elicit tremors in me. Finally, after a minute or more, I felt the wave of relaxation overtake me.

I sighed deeply. He continued his slow deep strokes. I relaxed and let my legs fall limply to the sides, may arms hung loosely around his shoulders. I was completely open to him as I lay there. I wanted only one more thing.

“Come in me.”

He clutched my shoulders and buried his face in my neck. “Say it again.” He moaned.

“Come in me.” I whispered.

My words drove him over the edge. He tensed and drove deep into me one final time. I clung to him while his spasms subsided. Finally he relaxed and slowly withdrew. I was satisfied.

He stroked my hair and kissed my neck and rolled to the side while still holding me. We lay like that for the longest time.

Just about perfect.

I awoke from my fantasy. I was back in the cafe...but still I stared, still a little dazed. Kind of in that “post-orgasmic haze” I had been thinking about. This was almost as good as the real thing.

Jenny looked up and caught my eye in the moment before I was jolted back to reality and averted my gaze. Although it was only a fleeting moment, I saw a sparkle of friendship and knowledge in her eye – like she had read my thoughts. I knew it was foolish. I knew she wouldn’t guess the details, but I am sure that she read the voyeuristic desire in my eyes.

I thought, “This can’t be happening. How embarrassing – and here I am unable to a look from a woman 15 years my junior in the eye.” Still, I know that in that moment something passed between us and there was no question but that I would lie awake tonight pondering the possibilities.

-------------------- (or if you prefer, here is the original somewhat darker ending)

(After their climax – in his voice)

Just about perfect. He thought also.

“Did you have fun?” She asked.

“Fun?” That was not a word I expected to hear.

“Yes. It was great.” I replied.

But I know that a distant tone had crept into my voice. Strangely, I felt empty. God, it really had been great. But this feeling wasn’t right. I knew why.

She heard the hesitation in my voice. Now she was the one faltering, unsure. Looking for guidance on how to proceed now that our physical desires were satiated. This was new. She was on the edge of an intimacy that she rarely shared with her other lovers. This excited, but also scared her. It was in her eyes.

Yes, that was it – she was really asking me “Can I trust you? Why do you pull away like this?”

I strove with myself not to turn my eyes from hers, not to look away. The tables were turned and indeed now I was the more experienced one. Suddenly the years seemed to matter again. And despite my desire to do so, I did not know how to make the connection that she saw was missing in my eyes.

I felt the burden of her reliance on me. But, Oh God, how to answer all the unspoken questions? How could I explain now, after sharing her body, that she could not fill the hole that is missing when we reach this point. She didn’t have the experience. We didn’t have the shared history. I felt ashamed.

I silently implored, “Dear Lord, please don’t let her see it in my face. Don’t let me hurt her.”

I had deluded myself into believing that our conversation and laughter was the precursor to something deeper. I believed that we could discover it afterward.

I think that maybe I believed that I could be the one to teach her to reach beyond sexuality to embrace sensuality. But only someone her own age could do that. They don’t have to be in love, though it helps. They only have to be Lovers who already know the needs of each other’s body and who want to experience something more.

As this awareness flooded in, I realized that this was arrogance talking. I merely drew from her enthusiasm and her passion in an attempt to recapture my youth. I wanted to become lost again in the innocence of passion.

What an ass I was.

But then again, what were she really looking for? Did she receive it? Was a passionate tumble enough?

‘Fun’ she said…

And she was right. It was fun.

“Thank you for letting me be 25 again.” I said.

I kissed her gently and held her close. And she smiled again. And we stayed that way a long time. I wonder if she knew what I meant.