Mysterywriter's Final Spring

"You need to get back to it now. I don't want that as an excuse again."

"Dee, shut the fuck up. You have no idea what I do or how I do it. Dogs crap on your kind of writing." No, it hadn't been kind, but hell it was too late for me to be kind. If I expected her to be hurt and slink off to lick her wounds, I would have been very much mistaken. Dee was a fighter of epic proportions.

"Why you arrogant, pompous ass. What the fuck makes you think what you do is writing. You go to festivals and sell this shit knowing no buyer will ever see you again. Your stuff probably stinks so bad that no one ever buys a second time." I smiled at her as I bent to remove a nylon zipper case from my box. It was the kind that artist use to carry their pictures. The three ring binder part had been removed. Instead the case was filled with envelopes attached to mostly hand written letters.

"Here take a look at some of the people who never buy anything from me again. These are the ones who ordered again, the comment only letters are in the trash." She was so angry she didn't bother to read, she stomped off to the bathhouse instead. It seemed Dee didn't want to stay and fight after all.

I mixed a weak drink as I began dinner. Without her input, I chose a couple of cans of beef stew. My one pot would be filled to the brim, it was a small pot. I had bought a loaf of french bread during my last trip to the store so I planned to have that with the stew.

Dee walked back to the campsite while the fire was catching. "Okay, ass we need to come to some understanding," she said.

"No we don't. If you can't tolerate my opinionated ass, then you need to fire up that yellow hornet of yours and leave." I turned my attention back to the 24oz coke cup with a half once of bourbon in it. Just there for the taste you know.

"You are a prick but you are also my best hope. Not to mention the articles from the road are going to get me some attention even if we don't get anything on June. No old man, I think I will just hang out with you."

"Then get a grip," I replied.

"I can take your opinionated ass I guess. Now what about sleeping tonight, I didn't care for the waking up cold last time."

"Then go buy yourself more cover and a pad of your own. I want mine back."

"How about I go buy myself a pad and we share the covers. I am a city girl, this place gives me the creeps." She did look as though she had missed a lot of sleep the night before.

"Then go to Wal-Mart and buy yourself a mattress pad like mine and a light weight sleeping bag. It will soon be too hot for it, but in the mean time you need something to sleep in that will make you feel secure."

"I felt secure last night, how about I just buy the pad and we do what we did last night."

"If you aren't worried about being raped by an old man?"

"Not at all, I don't think you can even get it up. Besides I have a friend."

"I know I saw it."

"I meant for you to see it. Now that we have settled that, I am going to go shopping, can I get you anything."

"Sure something moderately sexy, since you are such a good salesman." I laughed so she could take the remark anyway she wanted.

"Fair enough," she replied as she turned her back to me and headed for the car. "I'll bring some real food. Put those cans away." She stopped along the way to pick up my ice chest. It filled the trunk of her car completely. That car would have been useless even if I had let her take it along.

Since I didn't need to be sober to eat take out, I poured myself another light drink. I also didn't need to be falling down drunk. I debated hooking the computer to the internet but decided against it. I could do the PayPal refunds when I hadn't been drinking. I didn't plan to fill anymore mail orders. I didn't have the time or the inclination to sit around all day making copies. Since I had the Visa card, I didn't really need the money. I was also greatly surprised to find how well the festival sales were going. In the two festivals so far I had sold about fifty books. At ten bucks a book I wasn't doing too bad. I could at least cover expenses, should I decide to pay off the card. I might do that after all, hell like they say, you cant take it with you.

"Have you moved at all from that chair?" Dee asked when she returned.

"Went to the bathroom twice," I replied.

"Good then you are at least getting some exercise." It seemed she had forgotten our earlier squabble or she had forgiven me. I am not sure forgive would be the right word. It seemed somehow too intimate a word for us.

After a dinner of take out chicken and biscuits, Dee fixed the bed. I didn't even go in to check on it. I had no particular feelings about it. I had probably consumed three ounces of bourbon more than I had drank in ten years. It was the stuff dreams are truly made from. That night the Cigar had no effect on me at all. I drifted off to sleep on the outside of the pallet on the ground. As I expected I had to use the bathroom. I took the cane with the brass horses head with me. The cane was unusual in that the tail and head of the horse were held high making a kind of U shaped handle. It was most likely made with old farts like me in mind. The shape of the handle made it hard to drop even in the middle of the night.

The days took on a kind of boring aspect the rest of that week. Dee went into the office to do whatever it was she did there, while I made CDs. I replaced all the ones I had sold that first day. During the next two days I burned additional copies. It looked as though I was going to need them. Dee was likely to have me out chasing ghosts or at least rapists for a while.

Dee showed up on Thursday after work with a suitcase crammed in the rear of the little yellow car, and a very very young woman in the seat beside her. I watched as they both left the car. The stranger waved, then turned to meet Dee in the rear of the car. Dee removed a second case from the trunk then the one behind the seat. The younger woman looked like she might have been a kid sister or something. Well she did till Dee gave her a very wet sloppy kiss. I could tell that it embarrassed the kid. So much so that she climbed into the car then drove away quickly.

"What was that all about?" I asked Dee when she finished struggling with the two suitcases.

"You could help with my bags?"

"Do I look like a bell boy to you?" I grinned at her.

"Zandy is still getting used to being les." She had done something again that infuriated me for some reason. She pretended to ignore a question then from out of the blue when I least expected it, she would answer.

"Still in the closet?"

"Yeah, something like that. She has a guy on the side but he is probably gay. She said they only did it once. Even then it was a disaster."

"That is more about her love life than I need to know."

"Not really, you are a writer. You are gonna ask some hot sultry night." she laughed.

"I don't think you are gonna be around when the night get hot," I replied. "Besides this ain't "Body Heat."

"No hon Kat wasn't even bi in that, you are thinking of Sharon in Basic Instinct."

"So, you are a movie buff?" I asked it slightly more impressed with her.

"Movies with sexy women, you bet your ass I am."

"I had no idea you were so militant." I grinned at her to let her know it was still all in fun.

"Sweetie, I made more women bi, in that little burg where I live, than god did."

"I am glad that you qualified that." I was sipping on my morning coffee.

"Well since I am getting out of here, I might just have to spread my territory." She laughed a most unladylike laugh.

"Sounds about right to me." I had the glass of bourbon and the cigar in hand. If she didn't know by that time she should have, those two things meant it was approaching bedtime for me. Dee didn't join me in bed. It was way too early for her. She sat on the picnic table to write on her laptop. I had no idea what she was writing nor did I care. I just left her there writing while I drifted off to sleep. I don't know if it was the cigars or the bourbon but the dreams had stopped. I thanked god for that at least.

I was up before Dee the next morning. I sat in my folding chair looking at the lake when she finally got moving. She went right to the coffee pot and the auto store funnel. The funnel still had ground in it from my cup of coffee. She added even more as she stained her own cup.

"Why the hell do you make coffee like this? You could carry a Mr. Coffee you know."

"It began on a camping trip. I tried it as an experiment and it just suited me."

"Well, it doesn't suit me," she demanded as she returned the old style porcelain coffee pot to the table top grill.

"Then you need to make your own." It took us a half hour to get past the beauty of that lake with the mist on it. I began breaking camp without a word to her. I was more than a little surprised when she pitched in with the breakdown and packing away of the tent. She even helped roll up the bedding. Most of the other things I did myself because they all had a peculiar way of fitting into the large plastic boxes. I intentionally left the clothes box out till last. From it I removed a clean shirt and underwear. With only a brief explanation, I went to the shower.

I returned a few minutes later dressed in about the same outfit only the colors were different. I waited while Dee did something in the bathhouse. I knew what she was doing in general but no man ever knows exactly what a woman does while dressing.

When she returned she was dressed almost as she had been the first time we met. She was most un remarkably dressed. The sloppy shirt and loose jeans hid the fact that she was very slim. She appeared to have no breasts at all in the loose fitting top. Her tiny waist was even hidden by the top which almost covered her hips.

"Okay Dee, this the last time I want to see such an outfit on you. I know you don't care what guys think of you but I need you to be sexy as hell. It will help with the book sales. You saw what it did last week."

"That was fluke old man, besides what makes you think I want to be bait for your lecherous customers?"

"Don't even try to pull that on me, I saw your face when you made those sales. You loved the way those guys looked at you."

She looked me in the eye and I didn't think she would back down. I was surprised when she burst into laughter. "Okay, I did love jerking them around, but only because it proves men think with the wrong head."

"Well the paper that they gave you has a dead president's head on it. That my dear is enough justification for me. I don't need to know what you were thinking just that you enjoyed it and it worked really well."

"Compromise, I wear this anytime I am not at a festival."

"Anytime we are not at,or in route to a festival."

"What's the difference?"

"You'll see and trust me you will love it."

"You are not planning to pimp me are you old man."

"In a way yes but it is to sell books not compromise your virtue."

"My virtue was compromised long ago but I am still not gonna screw you."

"Tell you what, don't ever say no till somebody asks you. It is really in bad form."

The drive to Rutledge Virginia took me five hours of hard pushing, but I made it in time for dinner. We had a quick dinner in a cafe of my choice. The first one I came to, which just happened to advertise that they sold 'The best hot dogs in the south.' The counter top matched the green linoleum floor exactly. Even the tops of the booth where we sat had the same linoleum. I didn't mind but I was a little pissed that they lied about the hot dogs. The dogs were good but not the best in the south. They were actually that Yankee concoction that has little to do with a southern hot dog. If I had paid more attention I would haver realized that is what they meant on the sign.

Dee and I were both exhausted after the tent was erected. I sat in my folding chair with my jelly glass of straight bourbon and my spiked cigar. Dee sat on the picnic table with a coke spiked with rum. I sipped slowly on the bourbon while I puffed deeply on the cigar.

"You know old man, I never thought I would like camping but I can see me and Zandy or one of my other friends out here. Sitting by the campfire getting a little high pawing each other." She burst into laughter. It had nothing to do with me since I was not shocked at all. I just nodded my agreement.

"I used to camp with a friend but she moved on."

"Found out you were married huh?"

"Oh she knew that from the start, it had to do with the future."

"Like I said, realized you were married and never going to leave the wife. Only she miscalculated you are separated now."

"No it had to do with the future between us married or not."

"So, she was just a cheap roll in the hay."

"Nothing like that at all, she just realized she couldn't count on me being around in any capacity. Now my little shill, I have to go to the bathhouse then to bed." I removed the cane from the picnic table where I had stored it earlier. I leaned on it a bit to steady myself as I walked up the path to the bathhouse.

When I returned, I found Dee in an even heavier sweat shirt over her sloppy but light weight sweater. I nodded then stooped to enter the tent. I slipped out of my pants but left on the sweatshirt with the cut off arms. I always loved shirts like that, they reminded me of the movies. You know Brando, McQueen and the like. That night it was for the chill from the lake, which I expected about three A.M., more than for any aura which it might or might not create.

I slept through the night and it seemed that my little debutante did as well. It was almost six when I jumped up, then rushed to the bathhouse. I only had time to grab my tooth brush and shower gear because I had left it on a box near the bedroll. Those boxes made nice little tables inside the tent.

When I returned to the tent several minutes later, my longish hair was wet and I smelled of soap. Dee was gone, I had no idea how long it might take her to do her morning thing so I started the coffee. That morning as I did most mornings I fired up the electric tea kettle. The coffee had to be made in a hurry so it would be boiling water poured over ground coffee. The coffee grinds were held in the auto store funnel sitting over my coffee cup. The coffee would be more to Dee's liking, since it was better than Mr Coffee, but still similar.

I filled my two cup capacity blue Delta cup while I waited. I drank it while looking out at the lake. It would have been nice had the sun risen from the lake. Even so the dawn breaking on that body of water was a magnificent sight. Dee was fortunate enough to make it back to the site in time to see the light brighten over the lakefront.

"My god old man, is it like this every morning?"

"All but the ones when it is even more beautiful."

"Hell, if it were more beautiful, I might have an orgasm."

"There was time," I said smiling. I didn't finish because there was no need for it.

"I see you don't listen."

"How so old man?"

"You have on a sweat shirt again."

"It is too damn cold to run around with my tiny boobs uncovered."

"I guess so," I replied just a little disappointed. Dee tried to help me set up the show but didn't really have any idea how it went together. I noted with satisfaction that she was paying a lot of attention. I hoped the information was being stored for use the next time we needed to set the show.

At ten she came out of the heavy green sweatshirt. Under the shirt she wore a tight white knit top. She also wore a push up bra no doubt. She top was one of those scoop neckline kind of things. The cleavage she showed might have been small. but since the slacks she wore were tight it looked gigantic. Instead of the flat chest, I promoted her to a BS/cup. If I could teach her a little grace she would be a knockout. She didn't need grace to stand at the table and sell disks. I did have other plans for her though.

She stood at the table for long stretches, something I couldn't do. Her long thin frame seemed to mesmerize the men walking about. Not only that she was able to convince them to buy the disks. After every sale I would make a comment aimed a teaching her a little bit about shilling. She was beginning to play with the men by early afternoon.

About 2 P.M. an obviously homeless man came by. "Can you handle this booth a minute?"

"Sure, it isn't brain surgery." She looked at me with a great smile. One that was filled with good humor. It seemed that the morning of subtle sexual hints had changed her usual all business' demeanor. She seemed to thrive on the customer flirting.

I nodded at her remark. I found the homeless man before he got away. "Hello there friend."

He didn't speak at first. When I continued to look at him he finally said, "I ain't done nuthin'"

"Didn't say you had. I'm headed to the food booth. How about joining me for a hot dog."

"Why?" he asked.

"Truth is that it would make me feel better to do something worth a damn today. You would be doing me a service."

"Man, you crazier than me, but sure."

The food booth didn't have hot dogs. No doubt they would have been too plain to charge five bucks a shot. I ordered two sausage dogs even though Dee had picked up our lunch from a local fast food restaurant.

"Any chance I can get a beer with this?" my companion asked.

"None at all," I replied smiling.

"You one of them damn do gooders?" The man made it a question.

"Not at all, you are the first homeless man I ever really saw. I mean I have passed a hundred on the street but I never talked to one."

"You ain't talked to me," he replied with his vacant eyes. His stare was at something I didn't see.

"You are right, and the truth is if I talked to you about anything, I wouldn't be listening." I pushed my untouched sausage dog over to him, then stood to leave.

"You going to go without the lecture."

"I got no lecture for you. You just showed me what a bastard I am. I think I had bout all the truth I can stand for one day." I reached into my pocket, then removed the price of an novel. I tossed the sawbuck on the table. "So long friend."

"Ten bucks don't make you my friend." He already had the money when he snapped that at me.

"No, but when you were hungry, I was your friend. See you aren't all that noble either." I smiled then turned to walk away. I learned something about myself and people in general. Maybe it is something every dictator in history knew. The less people have, the easier it is to have them comply. When they are no longer hungry, they begin to be defiant. I know it was too big a lesson to learn from one homeless man. Then again maybe not.

"Hey Slim, how goes it?"

"Well Steve, it goes not so bad," She smiled at me.

"Steve, where the hell did that come from?"

"You mean you weren't doing Bogy and Bicall."

"Not at all, and how the hell would you know about a movie from the forties?"

"I spent my teenage years with the late show on TV. A skinny chick, who won't put out for the guys, sees a lot of old movies."

"Let's you and me make a deal." I said it looking her in the eye. The talk could only take place because the customers had died down. It was getting late in the afternoon. 3pm on a Saturday might not be late for anything else in the whole world but on the arts and crafts circuit the day was pretty much over. The exhibitors had to make rules to keep vendors on the site from three till five.

"What kind of deal?"

"I am not going to ask you about your lifestyle, but any time you want we can discuss it."

"Why would I want to discuss it?"

"I have no idea but that skinny chick remark is a natural opening for all kinds of questions about your lifestyle. There is probably a novel there in and of itself but I have a policy, one novel at a time." It wasn't true. I usually had at least two going all the time.