Never Too Late

As much as I hated to, I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer. It looked like the magic parachute was not going to open for me and all I could do was wait for the inevitable end.

The lawyer must have been immune to all the feelings by now, he hardly looked up from his desk as I explained what I wanted. It was the hardest hour of my life. It reminded me of the time I had to ask the Vet to put my old dog out of his misery. Euthanasia is exactly what I was asking for.

I wanted a peaceful resolution to our marriage, but that's far from what I got. When Sherry was served with the papers, I was hit from all sides.

"I can't believe it Brian, why? Why are you doing this," She cried.

"You know why Sherry and if you can't see it by now there's really nothing worth saving anyway," I responded sadly.

"Honey no, don't do this to us. I'll do anything you want, just... just tell me," she sobbed.

It tore my heart out to hear her plea for help. I was such a bastard but I couldn't live my life the same as before. In the past, I'd almost always walked away from a fight. To some it might look like that was what I was doing now but not really. I was fighting for my marriage in an unconventional style.

We both needed a change to survive, we had to cure the disease and not treat the symptoms. If I were to give in to the pressure, the germ that had been eating away at the core of our union would only get stronger and finally kill the host.

Sherry, to her credit, fought the divorce relentlessly. She was not fighting the proposed settlement of fifty, fifty. She refused to accept the divorce under any circumstances and although the attorney's were the only beneficiaries, I was still proud of her in a way.

Lindsey was the only one of the family that stood behind me. She was the only one that knew now why I was proceeding on a self admitted road to ruin. I shared a lot more with my sister than a few secrets. We talked a lot about mistakes in relationships, the good and the bad.

She had done a lot of soul searching in the last few weeks and made some terribly hard decisions on her own. Her reckless behavior had undermined her love for Ray. She told me that her cheating had come at a high price, and she had lost some respect for him. While she realized that confessing to Ray could lead to the break up of her family, she owed it to their marriage to be honest.

Lindsey's decision made me question my own honesty. Was I being too much like Sherry, win at all costs? No, absolutely not, though it might seem so on the surface, this was not about winning or who was right or wrong. It was about responsibility and the willingness to except it.

I finally figured out that's why Sherry acted the way she did, it came to me while I was talking to Lindsey. Sherry and my sister were a lot alike, they both were spoiled brats and always had things their own way. It wasn't a matter of conscious maliciousness, it stemmed from manipulative traits learned as a child. Pouting and crying had always produced the desired results, to put it simply, no one had ever put their foot down and told them no.

So this was me putting my foot down, I had finally decided to say no. Would Sherry figure it out? I knew if she didn't I could never live with her. As much as I wanted her or needed her, I could not go back to her on my knees. As the weeks faded away, so did my hope. Stalemate is the best way to describe where we had ended our quarrel.

Lindsey and Ray were having major difficulties in their relationship. Ray had blown up when she finally fessed up and had thrown her out on her ass. It looked bleak for a while but Linds was making headway. She took responsibility and was contrite. They were at least on speaking terms again, which is more than I could say for Sherry and myself.

I met with Sherry one last time at her request.

"Please Brian, it doesn't have to end this way," she begged.

It was hard listening to her plead. I knew all along if I told her what I wanted she would do it. I also knew how hollow those words would be if I had to ask.

"You know how much I love you, please Baby give me a chance," she cried.

It felt like she was close but never hit the mark. Two words and I would give her that chance. If she could only say, "I'm sorry," I'd call off the divorce.

***

"Brian... Brian, are you listening? Do you want any of these pictures?" she asked, standing beside me now.

"No, they're yours," I almost whispered, "You keep them."

I stared at the wall seeing nothing. I was empty inside. This was it, wasn't it? All that's left of something that I'd always considered special and sacred. I felt like... it's hard to explain, sort of like a guy that had committed suicide and his soul is standing by the body looking down and wondering if there had been another way. An out... a way to have fixed things, but not now... it's too late isn't it? The gun is still smoking but the wound is too deep to even try and stop the blood from seeping away. It's too fucking late...

"I'm sorry Brian, please forgive me," Sherry whispered.

It's too late... isn't it?

Or is it? Maybe it's never too late to say those words.