Nighttime Confessions Too

As she talked, she confirmed some of my fears. She admitted that she had enjoyed the social aspects of the conference far too much for my liking. She had been flattered by the attention that she had been getting from the guys. She shamefacedly admitted that there were times when she felt like she was single. She was aware that she and Phil were pairing up, but didn't worry about it. She let her guard down with Phil because she trusted him not to try anything.

The hardest part of all was hearing about Wednesday night. She didn't go into details about the sex she had with Phil. She didn't have to. I was hurt enough by her story of how she blithely ignored the warning signs and let Phil seduce her. The situation seemed surreal she said. She noticed how the others had quickly drifted away to their own sexual pleasures leaving her with Phil. She knew she should have left, but she just sat there and let it happen.

She believed that Phil would never cheat on his wife and told me why. She didn't convince me and by her tone of voice I think that we both knew she was deluding herself. On some level she had to know what was going to happen that night if she stayed with Phil.

To her credit, she didn't try to shift the blame for her actions to anyone else or pretend that she didn't do anything wrong. She guiltily acknowledged that she could not have been seduced if she hadn't been receptive to it. She took responsibility for her actions. She just told me how it happened. How Phil seduced her gradually until her libido was in a place where she would accept his advances. How feeble her efforts were to stop him. She cried as she admitted that she willingly went with Phil to have sex.

She did start to tell me what happened between her and Phil in his bedroom, but I stopped her when she started to describe how they undressed each other. I was disgusted. I had no desire to hear a blow-by-blow account of her sexual misconduct. The only thing that made hearing any of the details bearable was the fact that she was suffering as much as I was. Telling me about it did not excite either of us. It hurt her as much as it hurt me. When I told her to stop, that I didn't want to hear about the sex, she flashed me a grateful smile. But then she grimaced and told me that she did need to tell me something else about that night.

The last part of her story was incredible. She told me that after she had had sex with Phil they had gone back out into the living area of the suite and met up with Judy and Wayne. The mental image of my wife sitting down in nothing but a robe with another woman and two men was incomprehensible to me. While Meg was not exactly body shy, she had never been an exhibitionist.

Phil, Wayne and Judy had told her something in confidence. They asked her never to repeat the story because too many people could be hurt. But she didn't want to keep any secrets from me. She had to tell me the whole story.

She had fallen in with what can only be described as a group of swingers. She gave me the history and the absurd rules that they had created for their cheating. She even went through all of the rationalizations that they used to justify their actions. Her voice shook as she told me their argument that the sex was only for fun and did not have to affect her marriage. She described their methods of hiding their assignations and their attempts to persuade her that it could be hidden from me. They believed that the sex was meaningless to the marriage as long as no emotional bonds were formed.

That was when she dropped her final bombshell of the evening. I knew she had been invited to join the Competition Committee. What I did not know was that the committee was the method by which they got together. She had been invited to join their sex club.

After they invited her to join them, Phil asked her to spend the night with him. He wanted more sex. But she refused; although she admitted that she was still aroused and tempted to stay. However, she told me that she was confused, guilty and scared and needed time alone to think. She didn't know what to think about their arrangement.

She didn't know how to respond to the offer. She was feeling guilty for giving into temptation with Phil. Now they were asking her to knowingly enter into a long-term sexual arrangement although they did their best to convince her it was not really cheating on me. She was skeptical of their arguments. Her confusion and her skepticism were enough to overcome her arousal. So, she left.

Besides, she said, she felt that sleeping with Phil would have created a level of intimacy that she did not want. She thought that sleeping and cuddling with him would be a bigger betrayal than the sex!

When Meg finished describing Wednesday night, she just sat there drawn into herself staring into the embers of our campfire. I sat there mulling over what I had heard. I had questions about her behavior, but I dreaded hearing her answers.

Finally, I stirred and asked her. "What about the rest of the week? Did you go back and fuck him some more on Thursday and Friday nights? Is that why you refused to tell me what you were doing?"

Meg winced at the accusing tone of my question and looked up at me with a pained look on her face. "I deserved that, but, no, I only had sex with him on Wednesday night. After I left the suite, I spent the night tossing and turning thinking about what I had done and what I was going to do.

"Don, I'm sorry to say this but, I did think about their offer. The sex was physical and nothing at all like the way we make love. It was just another way to have fun, like dancing or playing a game. It didn't have any special significance. It was so casual that it seemed like just another social activity that I could choose from.

" I don't love Phil and didn't make love to him. You are the only man I have ever made love too. I know it's a cliché, but it was just physical, just sex. I almost convinced myself that this was OK. I kept on thinking about their claim that this didn't really count as cheating because it was just friends with benefits. It didn't mean anything emotionally; it was just another benefit of being at the conference.

"I found myself thinking about what Phil had told me and wondering if it would really hurt you if I had sex with someone else while I was away at the conference. I knew that no amount of sex with Phil could affect the way I loved you or the way I felt about our marriage. After all, what you didn't know couldn't hurt you right?"

Meg shook her head disgusted with herself and went on. "I don't know what I was thinking. I had breakfast with Judy on Thursday. I was confused and had a lot of questions about what was going on. When Phil came over, it felt really strange. I didn't know how to respond even though he treated me the same way that he had been treating me all along. I felt like I had a big sign around my neck telling the whole world I had cheated on you.

"I wasn't entirely truthful on the phone with you on Thursday. I had made plans at breakfast to get together with Judy, Dee Dee and Rachel in Judy's room to talk. I wanted to get my questions answered. I needed to talk to them about their arrangement and how they could manage to do it. I really wanted to talk to Rachel see how it affected her relationship with her husband." Meg took a deep breath. "I'm not sure, but I think that Judy had invited the guys to come over later in the afternoon."

Meg stopped for a moment and looked at me intently. "Don, I know I acted like an idiot and did some real foolish things last week, but I need you to know one thing. I love you more than anything and could never do anything to intentionally hurt you. Even when I was being a fool and trying to believe what they had told me, I was thinking about you, too.

"Don, their offer was tempting. But it was the whole package that made it exciting. I had so much fun with them and the sex was just another part of it. They were asking me to join them and have a lot of fun. It was like being given the chance to join some exclusive club. I found myself wondering if I could accept the sex as part of being in the group. It wasn't what made me want to join them; it was almost like a price I had to pay. But, no matter how I was tempted, I could never do it if there was even the slightest chance that it would hurt you or our marriage. That is why I wanted to talk to Rachel and Dee Dee.

"Then I talked to you and realized what a fool I was. I didn't need to talk to Rachel or Dee Dee; I just needed to think about us. When I got off the phone with you, I just started to cry. No matter how I justified it, it would affect our marriage because I would know that I was cheating on you. Even if I could hide it from you, I couldn't hide it from me. It would have to affect our marriage because it would affect me. I couldn't believe that I had even thought about joining them

"When you told me how much you loved and trusted me never to do anything to hurt our marriage, I felt like shit. Here you were apologizing for doubting me when I had just betrayed your trust. I felt like dying because I knew that I had let you down.

"I called Judy and told her that I didn't want to see her or her friends anymore. I told her that I was out and that I was disgusted with myself for cheating on you. The last two days I spent in my room crying and trying to decide what I was going to do to make this up to you. That's why I didn't tell you about what I had been doing on the phone. I wanted to talk to you face to face. I only left my room to go to the sessions I had to be at."

Meg looked at me with tears in her eyes. "Don, I love you more than anything and I don't want to lose you. I know that I made a horrible mistake and hurt you terribly. I'm so sorry and hope that you are able to forgive me."

When Meg finished, I just looked at her. Her confession had shaken me badly. It was bad enough that she had cheated on me. The idea that she had seriously considered joining this club was devastating.

"Why Meg?" I asked her in a pained tone. "Why? Are you unhappy with me? Our marriage? Do you want out?"

"No! No!" She blurted out. "I told you, I love you more than anything!"

"Then why did you do this? Why did you cheat on me?" I asked her miserably.

Meg looked at me and turned away. She couldn't stand to look at the pain in my eyes. She stared into the fire for a moment and replied. "That's what I have been trying to figure out for the past four days, why. Don, this was not something that I planned to do. It just happened. I never even thought about cheating on you before. You are the only man that I have ever loved and nothing is going to change that.

"The only reason that I have been able to come up with is that I was weak and gave into temptation. You know that I have had other guys come on to me before. We've talked about it. I've always been able to see right through them and tell them where to go."

Meg sighed and rubbed her neck. ‘I don't know why Phil was different. The only thing that I can come up with is that I thought he was safe. I wasn't on my guard with him. I didn't think he would cheat on his wife so I let myself open up to him in ways that I normally guard against. By the time I realized where we were headed, he already had me turned on and I just couldn't say no. I was thinking with my emotions and not my brain. All I could think about is how good he was making me feel. I wasn't thinking about the trouble that might happen in the future. All I thought about was the moment. I gave into the temptation."

Meg stared at me intently for a moment. "I know I screwed up, but I hope you can understand how it could have happened. Haven't you ever been tempted before? Haven't you ever done something that is wrong just because you couldn't help yourself?"

I didn't answer her. I was still looking for answers to my questions. "Even if I accept the idea that this was just a momentary lapse of reason, it still doesn't explain the rest of it. How in the hell can you explain to me why would you even consider joining this sex club?" I demanded.

Meg flushed at my accusation and looked away. To me this was the sticking point. I might be able to accept a one-night stand, but it hurt that she had considered a long-term arrangement. How could she even think about joining these guys on a permanent basis?

"I don't know how to explain it." She said with some trepidation. "I wasn't thinking very well. My emotions were all over the place. I was feeling guilty, but I also felt drained from the orgasms that Phil had given me. I was feeling emotional and overwhelmed.

"When we went out into the living area, the whole situation was strange. I could hear Art and Rachel going at it in the next room and then Judy and Wayne came out in their robes and I realized that all I was wearing was a robe too. I've never done anything like that before and I didn't know how to respond. Then they started to tell me this story and I couldn't believe it. I just sat there trying to make sense of it all.

"They must have known what emotions I was feeling. They kept telling me that I had nothing to feel guilty about. That what I had done with Phil did not hurt you or betray you. They were trying to take away my guilt." Meg sighed and looked at me. "Part of me wanted to believe them. If they were right it would be easier for me to live with what I had done. They were giving me the excuses I needed to justify my behavior. It was easier to deal with my own guilt when they were telling me that everything would be all right. But, I still felt guilty and had doubts.

"When I left, the thing that kept running through my mind was the fact that I cheated on you. Yes, I did think about their offer and I've already told you it was tempting. I wanted their friendship and the sex was part of it. I had to decide if it were a price that I would pay. But, I never decided to do it."

Meg looked away for a minute and bit her lip. "I have to be honest. Until I spoke to you, I didn't really think everything through. I was just thinking about it from my perspective; how it would affect me. I didn't think about how it would affect you if I lied to you and cheated on you. It wasn't until you told me you loved and trusted me that I realized how selfish I was being.

"Meg, I need to know." I demanded. "You keep on saying the sex wasn't important to you and was a price you would have to pay to be part of this group. What do you mean? You said earlier that you went with Phil willingly. You wanted to have sex with him."

Meg looked down. "You're right. I hate to admit it, but by the time we got into his bedroom, I was ready to have sex with Phil. He had gotten me very aroused and I wanted him as much as he wanted me. He was a perfect gentleman and the sex was very exciting. He has a lot of experience and made me feel things I have never felt before."

I just stared at her. This talk had turned into a nightmare. Not only had my wife cheated on me, she had topped off the evening, by telling me in so many words that Phil was a better lover than I was. Now I was hurt both emotionally and in my ego.

Meg looked up and saw the expression on my face. Suddenly she realized what she had just said and a horrified look crossed her face. She could see how I had taken her words. She could see how her words had affected me.

"Don, I never meant to suggest that Phil was better than you." She blurted out. Meg took a deep breath and went on. "I can't deny that the sex was exciting. It was different from how we make love. Phil has a lot more experience than either you or I. He went out of his way to make sure that it was good for me. Sex is a game with him and he showed me ways to extend the experience and enjoy what was happening.

"But that doesn't mean I preferred him to making love to you. I don't care how good his technique was; it wasn't the same. I missed the love and closeness I feel when we make love. Sex with Phil was just that, a physical act that didn't mean anything emotionally to either of us. It was just about making each other feel good.

"Please believe me. I never meant to hurt you! This was a mistake that I made. I wasn't looking for another guy to have sex with. I've never been unhappy with you in bed. You are a compassionate and considerate lover that I love to be with. You touch my heart in ways no other man could ever dream of. Sex with him could never compete with making love to you. I wouldn't trade one night with you for a thousand nights with him. No one could ever replace you in my heart. You are the one that I love and want."

Meg stopped for a moment and looked at me. "When I said that the sex was a price I would have to pay, I meant that it was not the reason that I wanted to join the group. It wasn't what I was looking for. The reason I was so concerned about it was because of what it might do to our marriage. I knew that the others would expect me to continue to have sex with them if I joined the group and I didn't know if I could do it. Don, I wasn't out looking for sex with other men."

When Meg fell silent, I stared at her. She had dropped some huge bombshells on me tonight and I was numb. But, I was angry and that I didn't trust myself to make a decision right away on what she had told me. I might make a decision that I would regret later. For now, I needed to get away from her.

Without a word, I got up and went over to our tent. I grabbed my sleeping pad and separated my sleeping bag from hers and made a bedroll under the canoe. I couldn't bring myself to even sleep in the same tent with her.

Meg watched me silently. When she saw me pulling my gear out of the tent, she sat there with a stricken look on her face. She waited until I was done and fled into the tent. As I settled in for the night, I could hear her softly sobbing. It was not a restful night for either of us.

The next morning, I got up and started to make some coffee. Meg got out of the tent and looked over at me by the fire. She wasn't sure whether she should approach me or not. Finally, she took a deep breath and walked over to the fire.

"Don, I know that I hurt you last night and I'm so sorry. I hate the fact that I destroyed your plans too. I'll start packing the gear and we can head back. This was why I didn't want to come, but I just couldn't disappoint you again."

Meg turned around and started to walk back to the tent. All of a sudden my stubborn streak asserted itself. "Who said we were going back? I planned a week trip and that is what we are going to do! You've already fucked me over enough, I'll be damned if you are going to destroy my vacation too. We're going to finish this trip."

Meg stiffened at my words but continued to pack the gear. We ate breakfast and broke camp in silence. I wasn't ready to talk to Meg and she could see from my icy demeanor that trying to talk would only cause her more problems.

Since the first canoe trip we took together, Meg and I have rarely talked while on the water. There was no need. We would enjoy nature in a companionable silence; it brought us together. The mood in the canoe that day was palpably different. The silence that day was not shared; it was a barrier between us. We didn't talk because we had nothing to say to one another. I spent the morning in stony silence glaring at Meg's back.

But anger has its limits. The hours of silence lead naturally to contemplation. As the day went on, I couldn't help but think about what she had said the night before. I had to figure out my feelings. What was I going to do? I knew that I loved Meg, but could I forgive her? Did I want to separate from her or ask for a divorce?

I had to deal with the knowledge that she had slept with another man. Another man had fucked the pussy that had been my private domain for the past twenty years. Meg had admitted that she was weak and had given into a moment's temptation. Could I forgive her for a one-time transgression?