Nova's Journey Pt. 02

I shook my head,

"How can you so easily deny your heart?"

She reached out and touched my face, I was lost in her gentleness,

"You are so young, and so simple. I wish I still possessed that child-like quality, that exuberance and disregard for the rules." the tenderness in her eyes hurt me, she was looking into my soul, seeing the ways I burned for her, and claiming that she had no equal to offer me. "Things once said, once uttered into being, become physical, become real." her hand was tracing my chin, her fingertips ran down my neck, I felt my hair stand on end. "This cannot be real, Nova, it can't become real. I cannot lose myself to you. This is where it ends"

If there were ever a moment in my life that I would point at and define, this would be it. This was heartbreak. I couldn't hold myself back at that moment. I was so lost in what this meant that I didn't notice myself crying. The tears came silently as the words cut into my mind and my heart. The bonds I had felt so strongly, the connection. I had held this woman in my arms as she had told me her life story, she had been the first to touch me, the first I had ever wanted, the first I had given myself to. She owned my heart and there she stood before me, denying her ownership of it. How was this real? How could it be happening to me? She pulled away from me and stood. I felt the sobs rack my body, I put my hands over my face and laid there for a moment, breathless. I tried to argue with myself, it wasn't as though I could claim I hadn't seen this coming, she had said it before. But the whole day she had been around me, she had hugged me, kissed me, why was she so affectionate when she knew she wasn't supposed to be? What had the purpose of that been? What cruel game was this woman playing? I did my best to stop and stood, rubbing my eyes red, and began to dress. She said nothing, still dressing herself. I stood, facing away from her, and the light, fixing my hair.

"Nova,"

I didn't respond, I knew full well if I spoke I would erupt in tears.

"Nova," she said again, louder this time, I finished adjusting my hair and stood with my hands balled into fists. I heard her feet shifting the sand behind me, her hand touched my shoulder. "No-."

I harshly moved out of her grasp and turned to face her.

"Please understand that this is for the best." she said very gently, "You can't do this job if you love someone that deeply."

I was angry, I felt the fury burning in my chest now.

"How do you know!?" I screamed at her, "What makes you think I can't?" I had degenerated into sobs again and stood there rubbing my face.

"Nova," she said softly, "you're too soft." I looked to her through the tears, "Too innocent, too sweet." I thought for a moment I heard her voice shaking but I thought for sure I must be imagining it. She reached out to touch my face, but this time I didn't fight. "I love that about you," she croaked, I saw tears welling up in her eyes. "We can't.. we can't do this," she shook her head. I reached out and hugged her against me. "You can't have this attachment to me, it won't work."

"Who are you trying to convince?" I asked soberly

She laughed, still wrapped tightly in my arms, I was afraid to let her go, that this would be the last time I'd ever have her in my arms.

"Both of us I suppose." she pulled back from me, but I wouldn't release her, my hands stayed on her keeping her close. She leant back in, against my forehead, "Nova, you're going to have to sleep with other people. Just like I do." I shivered at the concept, for the first time I began to understand. Discomfort was building inside me. "All day, I go out and I sleep with other people, with strange men, and sometimes with women." I felt fury now, rage and anger building. Other people were touching her, were doing to her the things I did, the things I wanted to do. It must have shown on my face, she stopped her explanation and pointed to me. "I can already it in your face. What you're feeling right now, that anger, that fury. All the jealousy." I shook my head but she was right and I knew it. "This is why we can't do this, why we can't be together. Sex is an act, Nova, that is all it is. You need to learn that sooner than later. You need to leave your comfort zone, the imaginary place where sex is love. It isn't always, and it doesn't have to be. Sex can be an act of passion, of anger, of pure emotion, or it can be as hollow and empty as going through the motions. It doesn't imply love, it isn't love." For some reason, this made me feel better, even though I can't place exactly why. I was still scared of experiencing this with other people, but it calmed me to know that these activities that she partook with so many different people meant nothing to her.

"Then these tears, this fear, this emptiness at what you told me, is this love?"

She smiled, chuckling gently, she closed her eyes and shook her head. She kissed my forehead and put her forehead back to mine. "Yes, Nova, it is." she sighed, "It is a beautiful, awful gift. A curse. It tears at your very soul. It brings the most happiness and the most pain. It makes you stupid and gives you disregard, but for that person, that one person, you see everything, you know everything, you would do anything." I opened my eyes, the fluid gracefulness of her voice had brought me to tears. I couldn't help but notice her gaze on me, her eyes seeping into me. For once I was apprehensive to meet them, I tried to turn away but she took my face in her hands and I could see the softness once again in her eyes. "Anything." she whispered, her thumb ran over my cheek and I felt her lean into me, her soft lips caressing mine. I was desperate for her and I didn't want to let her go, but she released me and I had no energy left to fight her. My emotions were so torn, I wasn't sure how to feel.

"You will have experiences with other people, you will sleep with them, hold them, experience them for who they are. As will I." she paused for a moment, "It is good to learn and to adapt, you will need to learn as much as you can from everyone who is willing to teach you. If you really wish to become one of us, you will have to learn the things I just told you and put them into motion."

I nodded,

"Sex is just an act," I repeated, sighing.

"Yes,"

"It is emotion, and it is not emotion. It is love, but it is not love, nor does it have to be."

She nodded,

"Love is what I feel for you."

Her eyes widened with disbelief that I had spoken, despite being told not to. I didn't believe her concept, that not speaking it would make it go away, it already burned inside me and if I didn't express it I already knew it would consume me from the inside out. Still, she remained silent, just staring at me as I spoke to her.

"Love is what binds me to you, love is why I offer myself to you, willingly. Love is why I will promise to be yours, even if only in heart and soul, though neither of us can promise our bodies." I took her hand and placed it on my chest. "I will become the best I can, I will learn, I will experience all there is to experience, but my heart will always beat for you, even if you tear it from my chest."

She looked at me for a moment and cocked her head chuckling,

"You're such a romantic." she said, her hand slipping from my chest around my back and pulling me to her, "I love that about you," her eyes burned into me only momentarily as she began to kiss me.