Of Hope Lost and Found Ch. 02

"Do you love her?" Daddy asked, trying to figure out Glen's angle.

"Well, not in the romantic sense, no. But I see so much good in her, so much potential. I see so many ways that we would make great partners helping others. I love watching her fuss over the younger girls and I think she's about the sharpest mind I've seen."

"And you think she'd go for this, even without falling in love and all that?"

"Sir, I think that might be the only way it's going to happen for her. I don't think romance did her well."

"Yeah..." Daddy drawled slowly. "You're probably right about that. But she's her own woman. Nothing her mother and I could do or say would change her mind, I think, so I don't know why you're talking to me."

"I've seen how she listens to you. She's proud and smart, but she still knows to seek wisdom where it can be found. And if she comes asking you about me...well, I just don't want you to be surprised. And I want you to know where I'm coming from. You asked if I love her. I say not in the romantic sense, but there's a kind of love that runs deeper than that. And what I'm trying to sort out for myself is whether or not that's what's going on when I think of her."

Daddy laughed and said, "You'll do fine, son. You'll do just fine."

*******

I was oblivious to that whole conversation until years later, when Glen told me. Because yes, Glen and I ended up getting closer to each other. I never saw it coming, and I think that was his plan. I took him up on the job offer, and I worked there for a year and a half while I finished my schooling. One of my main jobs was to be there at night, sleeping in the house, being there for the girls when they needed me. It turned out that night time was when a lot of them got really thoughtful and open to changing some things in their lives. And having a woman there who had been where they'd been helped to balance out the sweetness that Betty and Clara brought to the House.

The next May, I graduated with my history degree, and the night after my last exam, Glen took me out to dinner to celebrate. By that point, we knew each other well, and I considered him a friend. He had been helping me process my next steps, which had gotten complicated. I wasn't as interested in law anymore. I really, really loved helping the girls. Staying where I was full time wasn't really a long-term option, but I hoped there could be some way to continue working with girls in need. Over dinner, Glen said he had a suggestion.

The last time he'd had a suggestion about my future, it worked out well, so I was ready to listen.

"Stay here. Stay at the Horton House and get your Master's Degree."

"What?" I laughed. "You just don't want to lose your cheap labor, is that it?" I teased him.

"No...or yes...I mean, you should get your Master's in Social Work. You've got a sharp mind, and you're neck deep in the kind of stuff that a lot of your professors only know in theory. Get the degree and you'll be surprised what kind of doors open for you."

"Well, I can't say I hadn't considered things like that. But the problem is funding. You managed to get that grant to stretch long enough to cover my last year, but I don't think you could get it for a whole new degree program...could you?"

"No...definitely not. Not now that you've finished 'paying your debt to society'. But I have a plan for paying for your next degree."

"Oh, you've just thought through all this, haven't you?" We had a very comfortable relationship. We teased and joked a lot, and I felt comfortable speaking my mind to him. Glen was safe, and just by virtue of his caring behavior he had done wonders in rehabilitating my view of men. I still had a lot of lingering issues, but I was ready to concede that one bad apple shouldn't disqualify the whole bunch.

"And what's your plan to pay for my next degree, boss-man?" I smiled, leaning forward and putting my elbows on the table. I actually believed he could make it happen. He had shown himself very resourceful.

"Marry me."

I choked on the water I was sipping. Surely I had heard him wrong. Surely it was a joke.

"I'm serious, Dottie. Marry me."

"You're crazy."

"Maybe, but that's not relevant," I rolled my eyes. "Think about it. Don't we work so well together? Don't we have a common vision for helping these women? We're a good team, Dottie."

"The preacher and the ex-con. Yeah, that's right out of a storybook," I said dryly, trying to make light of his suggestion.

"Dead serious, Dottie. I think the world of you. You've continued to impress me and prove to me what a special woman you are and are becoming. I'd be a fool not to want to be a part of that. As for you, if you find me tolerable, then you should at least consider it. But I like to think you enjoy my company and have some level of respect for me."

"Impress? Respect? Aren't you forgetting love? Shouldn't there be something else involved?"

That led to a long debate over the meaning of love and the role of romance in marriage. It wasn't unusual for us to talk like that. Glen was very smart, even though he tried not to let on, and he seemed to know about as much history as I did with my degree. By the time he was calling for the check, I had almost forgotten what had gotten us on the topic. Glen brought it up again.

"All I'm asking you to do is to think about it. I don't need an answer right away. And I don't want you to think I'm some creepy stalker who has been hiding romantic feelings for you. I've always been very up front with you, Dottie, and this is no exception. If you marry me, I have no doubt that romance and love and all that mushy stuff would follow, but to want that first is putting the cart before the horse."

"Glen," I said a little tersely as an unpleasant thought occurred to me, "it sounds like you're trying to buy me. If I marry you, you'll pay for my studies- is that what you're implying?"

"I'm not implying it, I'll say it. If you were my wife, I'd gladly support you through your studies. I'm not ashamed to offer that. But I don't want you to marry me because of that. If you would marry me only because you wanted a free education, well...then I'd say no deal."

I furrowed my brow and glared at him. Deal? Is that what marriage was to him? Glen picked up on what I was reacting to- he was a bit intuitive that way- and said, "No...poor choice of words. I mean, if you're thinking it's a business arrangement, then I think it's a bad idea. I don't want that, and you don't really want that."

I relaxed some, but I was still a little on edge. This was odd and uncomfortable.

"Maybe I've misread you, Dottie, but I know you've been hurt, and I'm guessing that your ex-husband took advantage of starry-eyed infatuation, called it love, and got what he was really after."

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. That had hit too close to home. I had never talked about James with Glen, I hadn't even talked about the details with any of the girls. I had tried to just erase it, and I couched my hate in general terms. James had become all men to me. I hated him, so I had hated them. He had hurt me, so they had hurt me. I had even been mad at Daddy for a while for not protecting me from that pain.

Glen continued, "So unless I'm way off the mark here, I would say you probably aren't going to follow the path of giddy romance into marriage, right?"

I gave a long shrug and said a reluctant, "Probably not."

"But judging by what I see in your parents, you know that marriage is more than that- better than that, right?"

I sighed. Glen really was sharp. I just didn't like the feeling that he had thought so much about me without me knowing. It was like I had been stalked. "Yeah. I used to want what they have."

"Used to?"

I fidgeted and looked towards a window. I didn't know what I wanted.

"Alright. I won't press. Just...think about it, Dottie. Think about the potential in what I'm offering. It wouldn't be a fairy tale that slowly faded away. I know you probably don't believe in fairy tales anyway. If you married me, it'd be more like a project- a shared vision of what could be if we both work at it. And I would swear to you that I would never stop working at it. Just...at least tell me you'll think about it."

Why wasn't I just saying no? Why wouldn't my mouth just say it? Wasn't this foolish? I looked across the table at Glen. The dim light above us reflected off his glasses. His smile was confident, but not cocky. I liked him, I liked being his friend. I trusted him, and he had shown me such respect these past 2 years. He actually listened to my thoughts and gave me responsibility to put plans into action. He asked me good questions and showed that he cared about me as a friend and not just an employee. As a pastor he had been a trustworthy guide when I had a lot of doubts and questions. But to marry him?

"A question, first," I said, before my good sense had the chance to censor my thought.

"Shoot."

"How would being married make any difference other than adding sex? We already work together, we practically live in the same house, we have meals together, we talk. Aren't you just trying to add sex?" Oh my God, did I really just bring up sex? Right there, talking to the preacher, in public?

He smiled and didn't break eye contact. That took balls. "Dottie, it's questions like that that make me value our conversations."

I raised my eyebrows and gave him a cynical look. "Flattery won't help you dodge the question."

"No need to dodge it. It's a fair question. What would be different, let's see..." Glen looked up in thought. "Most importantly, it would be a lifetime commitment. What we have is nice, but you can leave at any time. So can I, for that matter. Or someone else could enter one of our lives. I'm not planning on being single forever, Dottie. In fact, I am getting pretty antsy sleeping alone all these years since I converted."

With that remark, I felt a little embarrassed that I had never asked his story. I assumed he'd always been a religious man.

"But it would also be a public commitment. People would always associate me with you and you with me. We'd be a permanent team. And yes, there'd be sex...and love...and doing things together, just the two of us. And who knows, maybe kids, maybe not. You would have a lot more say in my decisions and direction in life, much more than as my smartest employee."

"Your only employee, technically."

"For now."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Was he planning on expanding Horton House?

"What I mean is, once we get married..."

"If we get married..."

"...I don't just expect to have you be a part of my own plans for my own life. We make new plans together. You getting another degree, for example. Who knows where that would lead us?"

I couldn't help but feel like Glen was James' antithesis in everything. Hearing his expectations and vision for marriage made me shiver at how bad my first marriage had been. I had fallen in lust with James and then justified it with illusions of true love and life compatibility. With Glen, there had never really been any lust or physical attraction. He was plain, not ugly. His body was healthy but not the chiseled perfection of James'. But there was true life compatibility, I had to agree with Glen on that. And there was a friendship- something that would be there during the 99% of the time that we wouldn't be having sex. And then I realized I was actually imagining myself having sex with Glen, which was awkward but not unappealing. And then I realized I had spaced out and that Glen was sitting back, watching me.

I looked up, a little flustered at being caught daydreaming. Glen smiled and said, "What I would give to know where your mind was for that minute..."

"Hush. I'm ready to leave." We walked back to his car, and I stared silently out the window at trees and purple clouds during the drive back to the house. Glen wasn't staying there that night, but he still walked me to the door. I didn't know if he was expecting a good night kiss or something, but he saved me the worry by staying at the steps once we got to the porch. He waited until I had the door open, then turned to leave.

"Glen?" I said, holding the open door with one hand.

"Hm?" he responded, half turning to face me.

"I'll think about it."

Glen beamed at me and simply replied, "Good. Very good. Thank you, Dottie." Then he turned and walked back to his car. I watched him from the small window next to the door, and only after he drove away did I walk up to my room. I lay down on top of my sheets, stared at the ceiling, and thought.

*******

My parents came up for graduation the next week, and they took both Glen and I out to dinner, along with Betty and Ron. It should have felt odd to be out to dinner with two older married couples and me and Glen, but we had such a familiar relationship that it didn't feel strange. The only awkward moment was when Ron started pestering Glen about settling down.

"I've told him a hundred times," Betty said, "he just needs to say the word. There's women enough who are ready for a good, stable man."

Daddy looked at Glen, who was handling it gracefully, then he looked at me, as I fidgeted in my seat. Mama saw Daddy's look and when she saw me looking nervous, she nudged Daddy.

"Got any grandkids?" Daddy asked abruptly. That question, of course, sent Betty and Ron into a whole long spiel on their perfect grandbabies. After dinner, we parted ways with Betty and Ron and Glen. Daddy suggested all three of us go on a walk. I knew he could tell something was going on, so as soon as we were a block away from the house, I told them that Glen wanted to marry me.

"Hm," was all I got in response. So I told them more. I told them the highlights of our conversation, and how he was talking about romance coming after marriage and how we would be a good team and how I wasn't much attracted to him at first and...

"Do you want to marry him?" Daddy interrupted me.

"Didn't you listen, Dad? He's talking about something weird- like a business partnership or something. It's not a bad idea, but what if I don't end up falling in love with him? What I just end up...stuck, married to a nice guy that I don't love?"

Mama said softly, "You could always grab a lamp and get yourself out of that situation..."

"Virginia!" my dad said sharply, just as I said a shocked, "Mom!" Mama just giggled. It was funny, in a way.

"I wouldn't do that to Glen," I said after a moment.

"Why not?" Mama asked me.

"Because he's...he's nice. I don't think he'd do anything to get me that riled up."

"Not riled up in that way, at least..." Mama said. Daddy gave her a sharp look and she just giggled, I wondered if she'd had too much wine at dinner...or if Daddy was in for a fun night at the hotel.

Turning back to me Daddy said, "So you think he's nice, you trust him, you two are obviously doing something good here..."

"But...love? Is it right to marry someone because they're nice and you get along and you work well together?"

Mama and Daddy both just laughed. "Honey," Mama said, "I know a lot of couples who just wish they could say that about their marriage. Too many people start out really...hot, and they expect that everything else will just come along naturally. But what you're talking about- that's what people really want. Your Daddy and I were lucky. Lust became love."

Daddy chuckled, "With three little boys our first few years, we didn't have time for lust!"

"Hush. Now you're embarrassing Dottie."

I was only half-listening. What I had with Glen, it was good. It was a good start at least. It really was a lot like what I'd been hoping I could have with James after the initial passion died down. With Glen there was the comfortable stability of a safe man. But it still felt like something was missing. What if there never was any passion? I had grown to enjoy the lust James felt for me- he made me feel very sexy and desirable. Even if he was just using my body, I still felt strong and proud for how I was able to make him feel. Would I be OK marrying a man who didn't make me feel like that? Was a great relationship with bad or OK sex still a great marriage?

And then there was my future to think about. Marrying Glen would give me options I wouldn't have otherwise- my parents couldn't fund my schooling at this point, and I didn't know what else I would do otherwise. If I said no to Glen, I didn't think I could stay at the Horton House. He would let me, sure, but I wouldn't feel comfortable.

"Daddy, Mama, what if I came back home for a while?"

They looked at each other as we got within sight of the House. Daddy answered for them. "You know you're always welcome, Dottie. You can come back anytime. But...wouldn't that feel more like a step back instead of forward right now?"

I sighed and gripped my elbows. It was summer, but after dark it still got a little chilly. Daddy was right. What I needed to do was move forward. I just didn't know in which direction.

*******

I left Glen hanging in suspense for another two weeks. Much to his credit, he didn't pressure me or even bring it up again. He gave me all the space I needed to really think about it. What it boiled down to was, to be honest, wanting to continue my education. Glen was nice, I felt like I could live with him, and sexual attraction wasn't the most important thing to me. You might say I compromised. I didn't tell him that. I made him believe I agreed that we would be a good team and that he was everything I really wanted for my future. What I really thought was that this was the best shot I was going to get.

What helped confirm my decision was that I missed talking to him. During the 3 weeks between his "proposal" and my acceptance, we hardly talked like we usually did. By the end of that time, I realized I wanted my friend back. Glen was the one I processed things with, the one I planned with. I got along well with Betty, I was on good terms with Clara, and there were a few other volunteers that I had nice relationships with, but Glen was uniquely close to me. As he said later, the two of us getting married was "less about changing our relationship as it was acknowledging what was already happening in our relationship." Hardly something you would put in your wedding vows, but there was a down home realism to it that I liked. But the one big change, of course, was our physical relationship.

I worried about sex with Glen. I worried about what he would expect and what he would want and what he would think of me. He had never complimented my appearance, and he didn't give me the leering stares I had caught from more than a few guys in college. I knew I was pretty- the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, nicely shaped all-American girl. But I started to worry that Glen was mostly sexless and that he wasn't really physically attracted to me- that this was as much a practical decision for him as it was for me. A few weeks after I accepted his proposal, while we were planning some of the details of the small wedding, he put some of those fears to rest.

"I'm running a risk, you know," he said in that voice that I knew meant he wasn't totally serious.

"What's that?"

"Marrying you- I'm risking a hit to my reputation."

"Oh, right. The tainted woman."

"No, not that. I don't even think of that anymore. I know you were as innocent of wrongdoing as any anyone could be. You should've gotten a medal, not handcuffs. But no, I'm thinking that people who don't know you are going to think I'm just marrying you for your looks."