Of Two Minds

He didn't push back into me, though. Instead, he rolled me over on my back. I looked up at him. Both of us were panting—he more so than me, I think. But neither of us were finished. Dylan pulled my panties—which he'd only pushed aside for access so far—down my thighs and off my legs completely.

AND THEN HE STOPPED. OH, GOD ... WHAT A BLESSING. I FELT MY ASS SPHINCTER CONTRACT. THE PAIN WAS SUBSIDING. BUT I WASN'T FOOLISH ENOUGH TO THINK THAT THIS WAS OVER. DYLAN HADN'T FINISHED WITH ME.

HE FLIPPED ME ON MY BACK AND WASTED NO TIME PULLING OFF RACHEL'S PANTIES. THEN HE PUSHED MY LEGS APART. I WAS SPLAYED OUT FOR HIS VISUAL PLEASURE. HE WAS THE DOMINANT ALPHA MALE AND I WAS HIS BITCH.

I worried for a minute that the sight of my cock and balls might freak him out. I mean, what if what turned him on—what made him capable of giving me such a marvelous fucking—was the illusion that I was a woman? What if, seeing the visible and tangible remaining evidence of my manhood weirded him out?

I needn't have worried. When he'd gotten my panties off over my heels, he spread my legs and looked down at me. The smile of pleasure, the glow of desire, told me that all was well. Dylan was loving this and I was so happy that I could produce such desire in him. I was going to do everything I could to satisfy that desire fully.

I WATCHED AS HE LOOKED DOWN ON ME WITH THAT SUPERIOR SMIRK THAT I'D SEEN BEFORE. HIS EYES WENT TO MY OPEN CROTCH, WHERE THE REMNANTS OF MY MASCULINITY WERE EXPOSED TO HIM. INSTEAD OF GETTING GROSSED OUT, LIKE ANY NORMAL MAN, DYLAN SMILED EVEN MORE BROADLY AND I COULD SEE THE INTENSITY OF HIS DESIRE—A DESIRE TO DOMINATE AND HUMILIATE ME—RISE TO EVEN HIGHER LEVELS.

HE WAS GOING TO HAVE ME, HOWEVER HE WANTED ME. APPARENTLY, NOW, HE WANTED ME ON MY BACK, WITH MY LEGS SPREAD WIDE LIKE A $20 WHORE.

Dylan bent over me and gently, almost romantically, unbuttoned my blouse, pulling it open to expose my breasts and my lacy black bra. I could tell that he liked what he saw. His eyes crinkled with pleasure and I felt a wave of pleasure myself.

IT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR DYLAN TO JUST FUCK MY ASS AND GET IT OVER WITH. HE BENT OVER ME, BRINGING HIS FACE UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSE TO MINE. THEN HE BEGAN UNBUTTONING THE BLOUSE OF RACHEL'S THAT I WAS WEARING. HE DID IT SLOWLY, DRAWING OUT THE HUMILIATION. THEN HE SPREAD THE BLOUSE OPEN, EXPOSING MY FAKE "BREASTS" AND RACHEL'S BRA THAT WAS COVERING THEM. HIS SMUG SMIRK DISGUSTED ME.

Then he pulled my hips down so that they were right on the edge of the bed. He gently spread my legs even further and then, with his eyes locked on mine, he began to enter me slowly—excruciatingly, but deliciously, slowly.

DYLAN POSITIONED ME ON THE BED SO HE COULD STAND NEXT TO THE BED AND FUCK ME DEEPLY. HE DIDN'T ENTER ME QUICKLY THOUGH. NO, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO MERCIFUL, I GUESS. INSTEAD, HE PRESSED HIS COCK INTO ME SLOWLY, ALL THE WHILE WATCHING MY FACE AND SMILING AT MY INABILITY TO STOP HIS ASSAULT.

My senses were on overdrive. I felt every millimeter of his manhood enter me and I reveled in the sensation. When his pelvis was tight against my crotch, I felt a moment's disappointment that the sensation of being entered had to end. But then the fucking started and, how could I be disappointed when a great pleasure is replaced by an even greater one?

THE SPEED AT WHICH HE ENTERED ME DREW OUT MY HUMILIATION ALMOST UNBEARABLY. IF SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS INEVITABLE, IT'S BEST TO HAVE IT OVER AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. BUT IF YOUR WHOLE POINT IS TO MAKE SOMEONE FEEL TERRIBLE, DRAWING OUT THE EXPERIENCE IS THE WAY TO DO IT. AND THAT'S WHAT DYLAN DID.

There were times when I closed my eyes to focus completely on the tactile sensations. When I opened them, Dylan was always looking down at me with an incredible passion burning in his eyes. I felt as if I really knew what it was like to be a woman being fucked by a man who was in the clutches of ardor.

THOUGH I WASN'T IN CONTROL OF MY BODY, THERE WERE TIMES WHEN WHOEVER WAS WOULD CLOSE MY EYES, AS I WOULD HAVE DONE IF I COULD. FOR A SWEET SECOND OR TWO, I COULD ESCAPE DYLAN'S LEERING GRIN, IF NOT HIS PENETRATING COCK. BUT, THEN, MY EYES WOULD ALWAYS OPEN AGAIN AND BE FOCUSED DIRECTLY ON DYLAN'S SMILING FACE.

Dylan's pace was quickening and sometimes he would look away or close his eyes. I could tell that he was beginning his ascent to a climax. I wanted to make it the best one he'd ever felt. I clamped down on my anal sphincter each time Dylan's dick had completely penetrated me and was beginning to withdraw. Then I'd relax as he pushed back into me. I was milking his cock, urging it to fill me with its sweet seed.

I WAS WILLING FOR THIS TO END, THOUGH I KNEW THAT MY WILL DIDN'T MAKE A BIT OF DIFFERENCE IN WHAT HAPPENED. BUT SOON I HAD SIGNS THAT IT WAS GOING TO END. DYLAN WAS CLEARLY ON THE INCLINE TO AN ORGASM. I FELT MY ASS SPASM AROUND HIS PENETRATING COCK. THEY WERE PROBABLY SPASMS OF PAIN—THIS STILL HURT, AFTER ALL—BUT I HOPED THAT MAYBE THESE SPASMS WOULD QUICKEN THE END OF ALL OF THIS.

As he was nearing his orgasm, I reached up toward his face and he bent down to meet my hand. I nudged his face toward me and he complied. His lips were on mine and he was kissing me deeply. I could feel the lust in his body. His tongue penetrated my lips and explored my mouth. I was completely his, and he knew that. I could tell how much he enjoyed the feeling of completely possessing me. I wondered whether he had any idea how exciting the feeling was to me.

JESUS! WHAT THEY HELL WAS MY BODY DOING? I WATCHED HELPLESSLY AS MY HAND WENT UP, PULLING DYLAN'S FACE DOWN TOWARD MINE. HE APPARENTLY LIKED THIS BECAUSE SOON HIS MOUTH WAS ALL OVER MINE, KISSING ME AND TONGUING ME OBSCENELY. HE WOULD STOP AT NOTHING TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO ME THAT HE WAS IN COMPLETE CONTROL AND THAT HE WOULD DO WITH MY BODY WHATEVER HE WANTED NO MATTER HOW AWFUL IT FELT TO ME.

We were fucking fast and furious now. I needed a big breath and tried to turn my mouth away to gasp for air. But Dylan need my mouth more and he kept his lips on mine and his tongue deep in my mouth. I decided that air could wait. I needed his tongue there, too.

FOR A MOMENT, I WONDERED WHETHER I'D GAINED SOME CONTROL OF MY BODY. I WAS TRYING TO TURN AWAY AND BREAK THE KISS. BUT DYLAN WOULDN'T LET ME. HE KEPT FORCING HIS TONGUE IN HIS MOUTH, A REMINDER TO ME THAT HE COULD HAVE ANY HOLE HE WANTED. IF I'D GAINED SOME CONTROL, IT WAS ONLY FOR A SECOND, THOUGH. SOON MY BODY WAS RETURNING HIS KISSES AND SUCKING ON HIS TONGUE WITH APPARENT HUNGER FOR IT.

Suddenly, Dylan's body convulsed in wave after wave of pleasure. I knew he was pumping his cum into my ass and the thought excited me greatly. Even more suddenly, I was stunned to feel my own cock explode, filling the space between Dylan's loins and mine with my own spunk. Though my cock hadn't been touched, except for the movement of Dylan on top of me, this was one of the most intense orgasms I'd ever experienced. It seemed to grab my entire body and shake it with intense pleasure. I wondered whether this is the sort of orgasm a woman feels. I didn't know, but I sure wanted to feel it again.

AND THEN HE CAME. HIS BODY SHOOK AS HE DUMPED HIS SLIMY SEMEN IN MY ASS. AND ... WHAT THE FUCK? ... I FELT MY OWN COCK SPURT, TOO. I HADN'T REALIZED THAT I WAS EVEN HARD. THOUGH THERE WAS SOME FRICTION ON IT FROM DYLAN'S MOVEMENT ON ME, I THINK MY EJACULATION WAS MORE A PHYSICAL RESPONSE TO THE PRESSURE ON MY PROSTATE GLAND. IN ANY CASE, WHAT I FELT I FELT COULDN'T PROPERLY BE CALLED AN ORGASM; I FELT NO PLEASURE IN MY EJACULATION.

Dylan collapsed on me, no longer holding himself up. I felt his full weight on me. It felt wonderful. Eventually, he rolled to the side and we both lay there, almost comatose with bliss.

AND THEN IT WAS OVER. MERCIFULLY OVER. DYLAN LAY ON MY, LIMP. I FELT HIS COCK SHRINK AND FALL FROM MY ASS. AND, BEFORE LONG, HE ROLLED TO THE SIDE OF ME AND I FELT FREEDOM. I STILL COULDN'T CONTROL MY BODY, BUT AT LEAST WHOEVER WAS CONTROLLING IT WASN'T SUBJECTING ME TO PAIN AND HUMILIATION RIGHT NOW.

I guess I drifted off for a while. I didn't notice Dylan and Rachel leaving the bedroom. I sat up, vividly aware of the slickness I'd created on my abdomen and the tingling pleasure I was still feeling in my now well-fucked ass. On the night stand, I saw a used condom. I realized what had taken Dylan a little time before he first entered my ass. I felt a strange mixture of feelings. First, I was surprised that I hadn't been able to tell that Dylan was wearing a rubber. But my ass isn't too experienced so, maybe I shouldn't be surprised by that. I also realized that this was safest and, so, I guess I should be grateful to Dylan, and maybe Rachel. On the other hand, I felt a strange sense of disappointment that Dylan hadn't filled my ass—which I was now pleasantly thinking of as my cunt—with his seed. It had been exciting to think that he had and now I knew that there had been a barrier between us.

I DOZED, I THINK. PLEASANT RELIEF. WHEN I WOKE UP, MY TORMENTORS WERE GONE. I SAT UP ON THE SIDE OF THE BED. I COULD FEEL THE DISGUSTING WETNESS ON MY ABDOMEN. IT WASN'T THAT MY CUM DISGUSTED ME. I'D COME ON MY BELLY AND CHEST PLENTY OF TIMES. BUT THIS CUM REMINDED ME OF WHAT I'D BEEN THROUGH.

LOOKING OVER AT THE NIGHT STAND, I SAW A USED CONDOM. THANK GOD! AT LEAST DYLAN, OR RACHEL, HAD THOUGHT TO PROTECT ME FROM DISGUSTING DISEASES THAT SOME PERVERT LIKE DYLAN WAS SURE TO HAVE. AND, IN THE PROCESS, THEY'D PROTECTED ME FROM HAVING HIS SPUNK SWIMMING IN MY BOWELS. I REALIZED THAT IT WAS A SMALL BLESSING, BUT AT THIS POINT I WAS GRATEFUL EVEN FOR THIS. I WASN'T AS HAPPY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

The thought of Dylan's semen in that condom—with all those millions of squirmy little sperm swimming around in it—grabbed my attention. It wouldn't let go. I reached for the condom and turned up over my mouth. I watched as the sweet white deposit worked its way from the tip to the opening and then dripped, in a long string, onto my eagerly awaiting tongue.

I WATCHED HELPLESSLY AS MY HAND REACHED OUT FOR THE USED RUBBER, FILLED WITH DYLAN'S SPUNK. I PICKED IT UP AND BROUGHT IT TO ME. THE SIGHT OF THE LOAD OF SLIME IN THE TIP DISGUSTED ME. BUT NOT WHOEVER WAS CONTROLLING MY BODY. MY ARMS RAISED THE MESSY RUBBER OVER MY FACE AND TURNED IT SO THAT THE DYLAN'S LOAD WOULD RUN DOWN ONTO MY TONGUE.

I swished it around in my mouth, savoring the unique taste and texture of semen. When all that would flow freely had done so, I squeezed the rubber from the tip, working the last drops onto my tongue. I wondered for a moment whether other men's cum would taste as good as Dylan's did to me now.

THEN I FELT MY TONGUE SWIRLING THE SEMEN AROUND IN MY MOUTH, FORCING IT TO TOUCH EVERY TASTE BUD ON MY TONGUE. I FELT AS IF I SHOULD CHOKE WHEN I TRIED TO SWALLOW IT, BUT IT WENT DOWN WITH APPARENT EASE DESPITE MY MENTAL PROTEST.

I GUESS I WASN'T GETTING ENOUGH FROM GRAVITY ALONE BECAUSE I USED MY FINGERS TO SQUEEGEE THE LAST BITS ONTO MY TONGUE. DISGUSTING!

Straightening up a bit and putting my panties back on, I went looking for Rachel and Dylan. Rachel was in the living room but Dylan was nowhere to be seen.

I GOT UP AND STRAIGHTENED MY CLOTHES, BUTTONED THE BLOUSE I WAS WEARING, AND PUT BACK ON THOSE BLACK PANTIES THAT RACHEL HAD PICKED OUT. THEN I HEADED FOR THE LIVING ROOM.

"He had to go," Rachel said, seeing the puzzlement on my face. And when she saw my expression change to disappointment, she added, "but we can invite him back sometime." That made my mood brighten.

RACHEL LOOKED UP AT ME AND SAID, OUT OF NOWHERE, "HE HAD TO GO." WELL, I HADN'T ASKED ABOUT DYLAN, BUT I WAS HAPPY TO HEAR THAT HE WAS GONE. THEN SHE WENT ON TO LET ME KNOW THAT SHE MIGHT INVITE HIM BACK. THE THREAT WAS CLEAR.

"Are we ready to stop this?" I wasn't sure what Rachel meant. I stared at her dumbly.

"ARE WE READY TO STOP THIS?" OH, GOD! WAS RACHEL READY TO RELEASE ME? I COULD ONLY HELP.

"Barmherzigkeit."

________________________________

As quickly as it had begun, it ended. I was in control of my body again. What a strange feeling to see my body move as I intended it to move instead of following the directions of some puppet-master. And how strange it was for this to be a strange feeling. I moved my hands where I wanted. I looked where I wanted. And now I could finally say what I wanted.

"GOD DAMN YOU!" I screamed at Rachel, even louder than I'd intended. I took a step toward her, now wobbling on my heels even though I'd been walking on them pretty well up until now. I don't know what I planned to do to her, but I'm pretty sure it was X-rated violence.

"Larry!" She stopped me with just a word, just my name. It wasn't the sort of psycho-trick she had played on me. It was just the calm assurance with which she spoke my name. It communicated complete command of the situation.

"I can put you back where you were with just a word, you know." And I knew why she was so confident. I wasn't shackled now, but those shackles could back on at any time. All she had to do was say the word.

I flopped down into the chair opposite the couch Rachel was sitting on. I looked down at my clothes and pondered my predicament. Here I was, shaved naked and dressed like a woman, complete with fake breasts, and somehow Rachel had controlled me and forced me to do despicable, disgusting things. When I thought about it, I was suddenly reminded of the taste of cum in my mouth and the dull ache in my asshole. I was in a pitiable state and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

"Don't look so sad," Rachel said. "You didn't hate it as much as you think you did."

What the hell did that mean? I know how much I hated it.

"What are you talking about?" I finally found words to say. "How would you like it if someone controlled your body and forced you against your will to do awful, disgusting things."

"Settle down, Larry." She was right that I was getting agitated, but I have every right to be agitated. "I didn't force you to do anything. No one did. I just facilitated things a bit. Everything that happened was your choice."

She could see the look of disbelief turn to befuddlement as I realized that she wasn't just telling me a blatant lie. Something else was going on and I didn't understand what.

"You're confused. I know that." Then she went on, "do you want to understand what happened today?"

You bet I did. I wanted to understand what happened so that I could make sure it never happened again—even if it meant divorcing Rachel or killing myself. I nodded.

"Okay, but it will be a shock to you. Let me pour you a drink first." I was suspicious of taking a drink from her but, really, what did I have to lose. She already controlled me completely. She hardly needed to drug my drink. And, God did I need a drink.

She brought me a large glass of bourbon and I downed it pretty in one long gulp. She poured me another, which I was able to nurse more slowly.

"You see, all of us really have a divided consciousness: left hemisphere and right hemisphere. But for most of us, these two stay in sync and things go pretty well. But sometimes people have two very distinct personalities, one is dominant and the other is suppressed. And that can cause people problems. The dominant personality can sense the urges of the suppressed personality and those can lead to internal conflicts and psychological stress."

Okay, shit, the last thing I wanted, sitting here in drag, was one of Rachel's intro psychiatry lecturers. I wanted her to get to the point. She did.

"In your case, the suppressed personality is transgendered. It feels like a woman and it wants to be with a man. When you have felt those urges ..."

"I have *never* felt urges to be with a man!" I interjected forcefully, hoping that it didn't sound like protesting too much. I was just reporting God's honest truth.

"Oh, but you have." I started to protest again, but Rachel cut me off with a wave of her hand. "And when you did, the way you convinced yourself that you didn't feel these things was to launch into hypermasculine mode—especially by having a string of affairs with other women."

Shit! So Rachel new about more of my dalliances than I'd realized.

"If you had lots of affairs with women, you couldn't have any desires for men, or so your unconscious, but dominant self figured. But you were wrong, Larry."

She let that sink in while she took a drink of her wine. I'd finished my second glass of bourbon and wanted more, but I didn't want to interrupt this discussion.

"What I did today, I called 'revenge'—well, by its German name 'Rache'. It's true, I was hurt and I wanted revenge for the many humiliations you caused me with your string of infidelities. Do you think I didn't know when you'd come home from one of your late 'business appointments' and climbed into our bed still reeking with the scent of some floozy? So, I wanted revenge. And I got it." Boy did she!

"But this wasn't just about revenge. It was about therapy, too. I could have done the therapy without causing you the discomfort I did today." She said 'discomfort' the way a doctor says it when he knows he's going to cause you excruciating pain.

"Now that the pain is over," (well, except for the painful memories that will always be with me, I thought, but didn't say), "let's get on to the therapy."

I didn't know what Rachel meant. As it turned out, it didn't matter. This "therapy" didn't require patient consent apparently. It was all up to Rachel.

"Einheit!" I wished she would stop it with the German commands. They hadn't worked out well for me so far.

I suddenly felt the world swirl around me. I had a dizzying feeling as thoughts and memories flooded my consciousness. The memories were strangely aligned with my experiences today with Rachel and Dylan—aligned in the overt events that were recalled but completely different in the way I experienced them.

I suddenly remembered when I first looked at Dylan on the couch and the feeling of desire I had for him that was overpowering—the feeling that enticed me to be bold enough to walk over and take his cock in my mouth. I remembered, not merely with disgust but now, also, with excitement the feeling of his hard cock in my mouth and how much I wanted to bring him to an orgasm in my mouth.

The thought of the bubble bath and the denuding of my body was as warm and pleasant one. Dressing in the clothes Rachel had left out for me had been exciting. Somehow, I'd been unable to appreciate how much I loved becoming a woman and knowing that I'd soon be made love to like a woman.

And now, thinking back on the events with Dylan in the bedroom, my revulsion receded. As I played them over in my mind now, I felt a warm glow come over me. I didn't feel abused, much less assaulted. I felt appreciated and desired. The movements of my body now made sense to me. I wanted Dylan. And knowing how much he wanted me made me want him even more.

Part of me was still in turmoil about what had happened—indeed, maybe even more in turmoil with the realization that my behavior wasn't orchestrated by Rachel but sprang from a part of me. But my overwhelming feeling was one of relief—as if some burden had been lifted from me.

Rachel and I talked late that night. She explained to me as well as she could to a layman what she had done to allow my suppressed persona to control my body while my dominant one was just along for the ride. To be honest, I didn't understand most of what she was saying. I did get it that 'Rache' was German for 'revenge'. And, she told me that 'Barmherzigkeit' meant 'mercy' and 'Einheit' meant 'unity'.

She also explained to me how things would be. This may sound very controlling. It wasn't. She wasn't laying down the law to me. She was just explaining what I would feel and want to do.