Orgasmic EcstasybyDiane Marie©
I wrote this a while ago for some chat friends of mine, I was surprised how many women felt that they couldn’t have Multiple Orgasms. This assay was my attempt to rectify that. A comment on the author’s board convinced me to share it here at Lit. Lacking a copy of this essay I had to download it from my web site, convert it from a pdf format to text, then revise it to remove some personal information, doing so wasn’t as easy as I had hoped.
Before you read this, I want to assure you my intent is only to help, if you feel that the tone of this essay is condensing or arrogant , I am sorry. It seemed that way to me at first. I’ve edited and revised this a number of times hopefully that tone is gone . I wrote this for my women friends, although any of you men are welcomed to read it, just be aware that I am addressing most of this to other women. I have added a section at the very end I address to you men, but please read it all, I have a feeling your wives/lovers well be grateful if you do.
I do tend to get off track, some what by intent. I guess I have that right, I wrote this, you don’t really have to read it. I assure you that at some point I really do get to Multiple Orgasms.
Recently I was surfing the net, actually I was looking for a story idea. Not so much for an idea, as a way to express some to my feelings. Both emotional and physical. We all feel them, it’s just not so easy to describe them. Try writing about some of your emotions. Anger for an example, easy enough your angry, what’s that feel like, can you write it out. How about fear, your alone walking down the street at night, it’s misty and foggy. You hear footsteps behind you, not far behind you but you can’t make out a figure. You start to run but the foot falls keep pace. (good story idea, maybe) Try describing what that fear feels like, it’s not easy is it, and the word fear isn’t enough. Love, lets not even go there most of us don’t even know what it is, we just know when we feel it.
You’d think it would be easier describing the physical wouldn’t you. Try pain, pain can be very intense, can you truly describe your most intense pain. I’ve been told by many of my friends that childbirth is very painful, not having the privilege I can only imagine. The truth is I long to know but alas that isn’t going to happen for me. No one yet has truly described those feeling. I’d love to read a really good story about childbirth, the intense pain, the exhaustion, mixed in with the joyous feeling of giving birth to your child.
How about this one, it’s been asked in chat enough, what does it feel like to have a penis in your vagina? Good, great, wonderful none of those description is really going to satisfy the men’s curiosity, and not once has an answer really described that feeling very well. I may add here that I have yet to read a story here at Lit that does a good job of describing that feeling.
An orgasm, describe it to someone who’s never had one, then add to that the scuttle differences, in some cases not so scuttle, between the ones you do have. Little orgasm, big orgasm, doesn’t really relate much does it, and what about the ones in between? Maybe it isn’t even possible to describe those feelings using the English language. No offense to my English friends but you lot aren’t real touchy, feely, maybe it’s all your fault were stuck with a language that isn’t overly expressive of emotions or feelings. I take that back, when I lived in England the women always seemed rather touchy, feely, it was just the men who seemed rather distance and cold. I wish I would have been in the correct mind set back then, I surely wanted to do some touching and feeling.
This isn’t about writing but I did want to let you all see how I waste my on line time. I was looking for a better way of describing an orgasm to be exact. I didn’t find much help. Here’s mine from a recent story. "It seemed to start in my fingers and toes then rush inward to my pelvis from there my whole body shook with spasms as wave after wave of pleasure coursed though my body." Maybe not good but it does show how intense that orgasm was. But the word pleasure isn’t really it is it, an orgasms is much more then that.
Here’s the way another woman, Betty Dodson, described hers in her article "Multiple Orgasms", I’m going to quote more from her later. "My entire body started trembling with involuntary spasms as I rode the waves of pleasure." Both her description and mine are about multiple orgasms, the intensity of the later ones. I found it interesting that we both used wave, spasm and pleasure. Could that be inspired by something we both read when we were young? I tend to like hers better, but my orgasms, the better ones, really do seem to start in my fingers and toes then go inward before exploding out in waves of pleasurable contractions. I know it’s going to be a big orgasm when I feel it first in my fingers and toes. Isn’t pleasurable contractions so inadequate.
How about this one "Electric flesh-arrows . . . traversing the body. A rainbow of color strikes the eyelids. A foam of music falls over the ears. It is the gong of the orgasm," by Anaïs Nin. I’ve never seen a rainbow of colors but at times I’ve seen stars.
As I hunted for my elusive literary image, I started thinking about how my orgasms have changed over the years. Changed isn’t really correct it’s more how the intensity has changed. I remember when I used to think those little ones were all I was going to ever have. Nice but no real reason to be intensely sexual. I could lay on my back and in five or ten minutes, have one, what did I need a partner for. Of course I needed a partner, I, like everyone else, need that emotional component of having sex. Bonding, a feeling of oneness, I’m sure you have your own description. But that alone doesn’t give you the drive to have sex very often or feeling of blissfulness that is possible from making love. You have to have orgasms, good orgasms to have that.
Speaking of the emotional, is it really love we need? Admittedly having sex with someone we love is good. It can be a marvelous experience if he/she is also a great lover. But is love really the emotional connection we seek from partnered sex? I can’t speak for anyone else, but some of the best purely sexual experiences I’ve had, have been with partners I have not loved. It is curious in a way but that feeling of bonding, of oneness was there also. Is it possible that in that brief intense period of ecstasy we feel love? I for one think not but we feel something more then the purely sexual.
In a way we have been brain washed into believing sex really is about making love, that orgasms are a component of love. Not so with men, they tend to think of sex exactly as it is, a physical state of ecstasy. For us it is some what different, we can’t reach ecstasy merely by having one tiny orgasm or as many women experience with partnered sex, none at all. To reach the point of physical ecstasy, we need more then men seem to, we need more then mere sex, we need fantastic sex. We are never going to have it easy like men, in my opinion even bad sex brings them somewhat to the point of ecstasy. On our side of course, is that fact that sex can be so intense for us, we go places men can only dream about.
Remember that stupid science fiction movie, "Dune"? How stupid of me to have not know until recently that, that movie was based on a series of science fiction novels. The hero, whatever his name was, went somewhere in his drug state that women were afraid to go. If that whole movie wouldn’t have been so sexist, it would have been funny, maybe that is why I remember it. I think the author was jealous, we have been to that place, and men aren’t allowed in.
Perhaps men fear our sexual intensity. That could explain why all current major religions teach our desires, our almost unquenchable sexual hunger is equated with evil. May I point out that in all of those religions, men wrote the books. It also explains why in some cultures, the genitalia of young girls are so mutilated that their ability to give her pleasure is destroyed. I suppose they would do the same to these girls breasts if they weren’t needed to suckle their male prodigy, not to mention the fact that men find our breast sexually stimulating.
If that sounds anti male to you so be it, but I’m not the one doing or teaching these things, men are!!!! My own church, Roman Catholic, taught for years that women were more likely to fall under satin’s influence because of the intensity of our orgasms, along with their frequency. Not only did these men teach we were mentally weaker because of this, but we were inherently evil do to our god given ability to feel more pleasure doing sex then they were. The Muslin religion, which originally taught the equality of women, has been so perverted by men, it now teaches that women are at best second class.
Most of us in the western world do have some semblance of equality, although we’re not yet treated as equal, but men did not give that to us, we fought for that. In America women have had the right to vote for less then 82 years. Did men intend to give us equal rights, did men write that in our constitution, no they did not, it took a constitutional amendment to give us the right to vote. Did men wake up one day saying, "we’ve been so wrong women need the right to vote," of course they didn’t, we had to protest, we had to fight, and when push came to shove many women just told their men, "Vote no and your voting yourself out of my bed."
Did any of you know that less then 150 years ago in most of the United States women did not even have the right to inherit. You were dependent on your husband, upon his death you were just shit out of luck. Do you really want to trust your freedom to a gender that couldn’t even see the need to protect his loving wife after his death. Have men changed that much, open your eyes look around the world.
Maybe I do have some anti male bias, but shouldn’t we all, shouldn’t we be on our guard, though out history men have subordinated us. Look around the world women as a whole are not given equality. Yes, that is changing, but it’s changing only because women have demanded it, not because men have given it to us, quite the contrary, they’ve been drug by the scruff of their necks screaming and yelling all the way. If facing reality is being a man hater then I guess that label fits me. If on the other hand loving some men, having male friends counts for anything the label just doesn’t fit.
Continuing on, I believe we are much less driven by the need and desire for sex then men are. I assume that is due mostly to the differences in hormones. Although once we have experience really great sex, our sexual desires become a bigger component in our lives. At times it can be the force that drives us. Great sex for most of us takes more then just a great lover, we also have to overcome all of these other issue. Morality, the image of the good girl, the acceptance of our bodies, along with others fostered on us by our parents, ours churches and the societies we live in. For us even the ability to have an orgasms seems to be something we have to learn.
My opinion is the biggest of these obstacles is that awful image of the good girl. An image forced upon us at a very early age. For what ever reason we’ve been taught that boys/men won’t control themselves, if we don’t do so then we are theirs for the taking. We are told sex is some how connected to love, sex without love is wrong. Why is it men aren’t taught that?
For most of us control means more then saying no. When we’re young just learning about sex we learn to say no by learning to control, even suppress, our desires and passions. To have really great sex we need to relearn, we need to be able to let go, live for the moment, learning to let our desires, passions and arousal’s control our bodies instead of our minds. That isn’t about submitting to anything or anyone other then ourselves.
In a way the false belief, sex in a component of love, can actually diminish our desire for the sexual if our partner isn’t treating us the way we need to be treated. Of course that very lack of sex drive, and the lack of having sex, drives us further apart, further diminishing our desire for sex. If our partner happens to be driven by a desire for sex, most men fit, some women, they resent not having sex, that resentment drives us further apart. A vicious circle isn’t it. I’ll state here that I haven’t found any men like this. They can grow to hate us but give them a chance and they well have sex with us. We do that, we are guilty of it. What is the solution, why are some of us more driven to have sex then others?
In any relationship gone bad, a point is reached that no matter how sexual you are your desire for sex with him/her drops to near zero but I tend to think that for most of us that point happens to soon. Even in good relationships we tend to shut off to soon. I don’t think we do that as punishment, men seem to think we do, it’s in our nature to not feel sexually about our lover when things go wrong. Does that seem contradictory, on one hand I say we’ve been brain washed to believe sex is about love and then on the other I say it’s natural to lose the desire for sex when things are not right in our love relationships. Not in the least, if we just look at the purely sexual, then it’s just that one person we don’t want to have sex with. I think that is born out by the fact that most women who do cheat, do so at times when things aren’t right with their partner. The desire for sex is still there, but it just takes another person to kindle it.
Sex could hold us together, giving time to work out our problems, but what happens most of the time is not having sex drives us apart faster. I know that was so during my first marriage. I resented him being gone, I resented not being his number one priority, yes I wanted and expected to be the center of his world. I resented him not paying attention to me, but he resented my coldness, my unwillingness to be touched sexually. I don’t blame him, he’d be gone for up to a week at a time, I’m sure he missed me and he was also very horny, that is natural. I’d missed him just as much, in fact I was also horny, I desired his touch, but we had problems. I resented not dealing with our problems, he resented my coldness, he’d get angry because of the lack of sex and clam up. I’d get madder because he wouldn’t talk to me. The madder I got the less I wanted sex, the less I wanted sex the more withdrawn he became.
I loved that man more then any man I ever loved, I’m sure as much as I’m capable of loving a man, but I shut off sooner then I did with any other man I had a relationship with since. Why? Because the sex just wasn’t that great. Doesn’t that sound just awful. Your partner has to know how to make love to you and then care enough to do so. He didn’t know how to, he did care, we both needed to try harder and learn more. If anything I was the more experienced lover, I’d been with a number of men, his experience with other women was limited, exactly one other.
That should have meant I could have taught him. But I didn’t know how to teach him to pleasure me. To me, I suppose because of my childhood, I didn’t think of sex as pleasure, I thought of it as a way to please men. I know my childhood was not normal, but I also know that many women are brought up to please rather then to be pleased. Not just sexually, but in all things. There is something terrible wrong with that, the giving of ourselves should never be a duty. We do take care of our loved ones, by our very nature we nurture those we love but that should be a gift not an obligation.
If only our first lover could be this marvelous man, one who knew how to make love, one who also knew how to get us passed our inhibition. A man who saw the pleasure of giving to us, ignoring what we could give to him. One who could teach us about our own bodies, about the extraordinary ability of our bodies to feel pleasure. Not just in orgasm but in all the little and big pleasure we can and should feel doing sex, from the tender kiss that excites us, to the mind blowing orgasms some of us feel during oral sex.
The thing is, I regret not knowing any of those feelings during that time in my life. I’m not saying we would have made it, I’m sure that if we had, I would now be longing for something he can’t give me. But I do regret not having the kind of sex that no matter how mad I was at him, I would still have been over come with lust for him. Love is a strange thing isn’t it, not having sex pushed us apart but the reason I didn’t want sex with him was I loved him and I was hurting.
Complicating things further, we humans are a strange sort, even when we don’t know what great sex is, not having any sex kindles a fire inside of us. When we won’t have that fire put out by the one we love, we look else where. Some of us do control that, some of us as I’ve said live a life of control, others don’t, I didn’t. I regret that in the end that caused the destruction of my marriage, but I well never regret my affair with Shawn. He taught me the pleasures of my body, the intensity of an orgasm. He was the first person to ever take me to that place I call Orgasmic Ecstasy. In a way he helped my marriage, I was again having sex with my husband, guilt I suppose, but it was still sex. Given that we were having sex again, and given that I was starting to understand what I needed, along with how great sex could be, maybe at some point that kind of sex would have happened with my husband. It didn’t, I got caught, thus breaking his heart, along with my own. I do have regrets but perhaps I only regret getting caught, not the cheating.
Before I continue I want to state two shocking facts I learned. Thirty eight percent of American women have never had an orgasm. One out of three women, those who have orgasms, have difficulty reaching orgasm during partnered sex. I’m not sure the last is so shocking, but it does say something about their partners. My best friend hardly ever has an orgasm with her husband, he’s a very selfish man. Given that fact it’s a wonder it took her so many years of marriage before she took a lover. It’s debatable, although I’m partly to blame, that her solution was her best course of action, she loves her husband, why didn’t she just demand better sex? I’ll tell you why, she’s tried, he just doesn’t care, or he doesn’t listen, some men just never get it, but in the defense of men, some women never do either.
I do not understand how thirty eight percent of us have not had an orgasm, baring some physical problem that is just stupid. We have fingers, there is absolutely no reason not to have an orgasm, although I’m not as surprised as I would have been before I came to chat. I can’t believe how many women have said they don’t masturbate. I truly believe that one of the keys to great sex is knowing our bodies, you can’t get there if you don’t masturbate. I also believe that having an orgasm is something we have to learn, it just doesn’t happen for most of us on it’s own. Maybe that is the price our maker extracted from us in order to feel so much more then a man can feel.
If you aren’t having orgasms it’s time you do, take some time for yourself, get naked, lay on your bed, relax and have some fun. You may not get there the first time but keep trying, I assure you it is well worth the effort. If your partner isn’t giving you orgasms, it is time to communicate. I think the best communication you can have with him is to show him how you masturbate. He’ll love it. Of course if you don’t masturbate, if you have no idea what you do or don’t like during masturbation, how in the hell are you going to teach him.
Enough lecturing back to my point. It’s so much different for me now, I just love having sex, not just the orgasms, the whole experience but it is the orgasms that make it that way. Take away the orgasms and I agree with Ann Landers, give me the kissing, the snuggling, maybe a little petting, the rest I don’t really need, let him use his hand. Add those orgasms back in and it’s hard to stop me. I can be in the biggest fight ever with my partner and still want sex. My last lover, Diane, confused, think about how it was for our friends. Sarah my intended life partner is for the most part this way. She did shut me out for a short time while we were fighting about her parents, but in the end our sex drives got us beyond the fighting, bringing us to a point, one night after an amazing session of love making, where we started to work out a solution to that problem.