All Comments on 'Our House'

It was ok. The writer let his imagination run riot, to mildly entertaining effect.

it's so unbelieveable that it belongs on Maury.

Why would you even be in the presence of people who tried to screw you over so much? Nobody would do that! Sorry but you ruined it with the end!!!

The secret compartments, the old mansion, the mysterious Uncle; this reminds me of the first Hardy Boys book I read after seeing the series on the Mickey Mouse Club. It is just a little ribald though, (grin).

WHY did the wife and even worse, the SISTER betrayed him?

a guy that rich working as a chef in a whore house for 40% and using two old worn out whores for sex. Did I get that right? Totally stupid!

to matt moreau writings i can only warn you hopefully you will correct that and not go down that sick fuck road because i like some of your stories.

the buildup was great but the ending left me flat. no payback for anyone especially the sister and the drunk husband. maybe i missed it but what the fuck happened to the bonds? and no reason why they wanted to fuck him over. 4

It was engaging and interesting. Then it all went to hell. The final page, containing the resolution was extremely poor and made little, if any, sense.

Had you continued in the same vein as the opening part, this could have been a 5* story - as it was, you managed to lose 4 of them with some very slapdash storytelling.

if he is sooo angry with his ex wife and his whore sister for screwing around and lying and cheating and the betrayal... then why keep them around?

It was an excellent story til the last 1 1/2 pages. I couldn't give more than a 1 star.

Should have dumped the cunts. Cheating cunts are only good for one thing: dying. Disappointing tale. Oh well. You're still better than most.

Although, it seemed strange to me for him to enter into a partnership with Victor, since he had millions in several Swiss bank accounts. If he wanted that type of business instead of an upstanding hotel, he could have sub-contracted that kind of business out to Victor, and kept most of the profit to himself..

The story is a good one, with some interesting twists and turns. There are a few missing pieces, though. Others have pointed out some of these, so I apologize for repetition:

* Do we ever find out how Uncle made his money?

* Especially for a principled and betrayed person, why does he screw the ex-wife and sister? One would think he'd br afraid of disease, knowing they were Victor's whores.

* We see his anger, but we don't see his pain and despair

* It seems the ex-wife didn't fight to stay married. I would have thought she'd try. After all, she didn't know he had seen the videos (at least this wasn't mentioned).

* His relationship with his sister has the potential to be very complicated, but is glossed over. She's a prime candidate for a mental breakdown unless she's sociopathic. She may be sociopathic, but it's not clear whether she's also traumatized by rape/abuse and degredation.

* Agreeing with others here, why would a millionaire offended by adultery and sloth run a whorehouse? Maybe his bitterness deprived him of some of his humanity, but the author doesn't describe that process

First of all get an editor so many spelling mistakes.

You had a good story going until you had him come back a have sex with his sister and ex wife knowing that they were active whores exposing himself to untold diseases

Quite a few good comments about issues which should have been resolved (like Waster Bernie was taken care of, in a very plausible but brief way!)

My concerns go back to before this narrative starts - was Sweetie planning to screw over Hubby before they married? Makes no sense, because there was nothing very dependable waiting in the wings. So, if her alliance-shift was after wedding: a) when? b) because of Sis, or Waster? b1) if Sis, why would she want to also screw Waster? b2) if Fucktard, WHY? c) how did any prior sexual liaison morph to a swindle of Hubby? I'm not sure I see much percentage in the trio eliminating a top-chef partner, unless it is just malice.

Hubby's post-abandonment time in Europe is heavily spent setting up an elaborate revenge (to be served cold ... best part!) Why bother? He can just insist on half of the home value as his inheritance! Settle for time payments that they would have to default on, then foreclose!

Why did her sister betrayed him? Nowhere in the text there is even a hint of a traumatic event, reason for revenge or similar. A cheating wife can be explained, but a betraying sister? I think not.

Perhaps you should write a 2nd chapter with the wife and sister's POVs to understand them.

Not a bad tale, but is in need of major editing.

Could have been great you got carried away at the end. Your story your ending it still was a good read, Thanks for sharing.

It was an engaging read although the ending did not fulfill my expectation. But as a long time reader of yours I have accepted that as one of your quirks. Thanks for sharing. (Perhaps you--or others--could write an alternate ending? Just a thought)

Stupid Stupid Stupid ending.

No happiness there, just sex. Not enough to claim a great life.

This started off with a great concept, was well written and building nicely. Suddenly it just dropped off as though the author couldnt wait to get it finished - a real shame. Would have easily been worth 5 stars and a place in the 'classic' list if not for that.

The first 3/4 of this story was intriguing and Andy had the moral high ground. But the way it ended just was very odd and left some unanswered questions.

1) Why the betrayal? Why would his sister betray her brother? Neither Laura or Sonja had anything to gain by the betrayal. Why did they both seem to loath Andy?

2) How long had Sonja been cheating or did she ever truly love Andy?

3) How did Andy go from not wanting to touch Sonja before the divorce, to using both Laura and Sonja as his personal harem?

4) What happened to Laura's looser husband?

This story has the potential to be one of the best stories you have written. Please work on the ending. Harddaysknight has stated many times the ending of a story is always the hardest part to write. Thanks!

A weak and stupid ending of a Parasite life. oh we'll, what the fuck do you expect from this wimp.

Millions in the bank and he involves himself in a whore house and works in a kitchen? Not very plausible.

no more

They were fucking him in the beginning; and he ended up fucking them in the end. (but not the way he should have)

No BTB, and there should have been plenty of this!

BDEarth

The story started out quite good, but slipped a bit towards the end. I thought, "Now, here's a tale with meat in it". It fizzled. Cheers!

started very strong, but the ending did not resonate. It just seems inexplicable that this guy would end up keeping the very people who plotted against him. Didn't see that coming. And don't get me started about the incest!

And if anyone deserved to get burned, it was those three...

Actually losing ownership of the house/hotel doesn't seem like much... would have been better if they'd HAD to work as the whores they acted like.

Then went down hill fast and ended on its arse. Two stars.

doesn't make any sense...

just asking.

I agree with @icebread...It started well, but then began to sink as the Titanic and like it, only stopped at the bottom of the ocean...1*

Started a 4. End a 2. Had potential.

Yes he got a little retribution on Laura and Sonja but,he did nothing to Laura's ex- husband. He had the money and means to hunt that SOB down and feed him his own dick. After cutting it off and shoving it up his ass. Then the revenge on Laura and Sonja is so weak. He allows them to live with him giving them a place to live and feeding them and they get to carry on doing as they pleased screwing anybody they wanted. They must have been very gifted in the sex department for him to want to continue to have sex with them. Gee where is the revenge on them plus they still benefit from the money although they don't control any money. His sister has aways been a whore and as long as he's known Sonja she's been a whore. There is so much more revenge wise he could have accomplished. I do have to admit what you wrote was okay. I would not be against a more horrific action against them.

Point 1. Bernie got off free and with some money without any revenge from Andy.

Point 2. I guess I'm freaky I'd have one drawback having sex with my sister no matter what she did.

Sex with Sonja must have been good and would have been a different story altogether once she was tested found to be decease free that woman would be by my side and ready to ride when ever. He didn't have to worry about trusting her because they were divorced he already knew she was not trustable. Bird in the hand!

Sonja must have been very good if Andy didn't know about her cheating and had to be shown by his uncle. Men should be so lucky to have a woman like that who belongs to you (even if it's just for the money)

Other than that good story.

but, ending was craaaaaap!

TRASH

WTF WAS THAT???

It got too over the top to be any reflection of reality or sanity.

From good to bad to worse.....

It would seem that one was almost slipped right by us. Typical English faggery.

Terrible story line, especially when you had him piss on his ex-wife's face. You lost me there.

How about a new paragraph every once in a while.

I enjoyed the story. But come on why notcuse a period every once in a while and start a new idea inxa new sentence and creat a new stroy line instead of just rambling on and telling the story and never making a break when everyone is sitting on the egde ofctheir street and waiting for an ending where every one gets their just deserts and and triggers a new beginning for the mian characters who are still interested in the old story line and yet they are new tocthe story and are waiting for the new sory lne to beginl withcnew charactkers and new action.

Get the point?

It should be self evident.

Thanks for the read!

Okay it could have used an Editor but I understood and could follow the story. I really like the idea of the story even though it was a little rough. Thanks for an entertaining tail. This could be turned into a nice porn movie.

I'm not sure why he would let his sister and ex-wife off the hook and it didn't make for a very good ending to see him fucking his ex-wife AND his sister. Which kinda puts this story into Incest. With all that money he should have gotten his share of the house and looked for a real investment, if he even needed to work at all, considering how much money he got from the coins, the bonds and the diamonds. All in all, a lame ending.

This was a very tight sorry all the way til the ending. He was pissed at his uncle, aunt, and parents for their lifestyle. He was outraged that it caused his sister to be raped. Taking their money was the only thing he could do.

You could see the cheating and threesomes coming, so cutting them out of the money made since. But why come back? Why that house? That place and those people messed up his past and current life. So what the fuck was that ending about.

I liked the story and the quest idea for finding the family legacy. I think there was more mileage in developing his plan and executing it against his betrayers. The ending I found did not gel with the character of the protagonist and along with the ending I was asking what had happened to the character to make him change. It probably would have been within his character if he had found someone else and used this to show that he was better than any of them. With a better ending I would have given this story 5*.

Liked it up until the idiot fucked his sister and ex-wife. Just a terrible ending to an otherwise well done story. He should have tossed them out instead of being merciful. They were whores let them go earn their keep on their backs. 2/5

The story is crap. In the first act, fawguy88 describes a happy extended family. We meet Andy and his wife Sonja. They married just out of university and work successfully in a small hotel which also has a restaurant Andy is the chef and Sonja manages the establishment. Andy has an older sister, Laura, who is older, married, and has two children whom she has done well raising. She is married to a lazy, alcoholic husband, Bernie. Laura earns the money in the family working as an accountant. Andy and Laura's parents died at some point before the story began and the two of them had a close-knit, loving relationship with their aunt and uncle whom they happily visit with some regularity. The aunt dies first, then the uncle. In his will, the uncle leaves his large mansion to Andy and Laura, with a small percentage also left to Sonja and Bernie. That sets up the main characters, their personalities, and relationships. At this point, I had high hopes for the story - fool that I was.

------

Now we get the introduction of the first conflict. Andy and Sonja want to convert the old mansion into a high end hotel / restaurant. Laura and Bernie want to sell it and divide the money. Andy and Sonja convince the other couple their proposal, given Andy's culinary skills and Sonja's managerial abilities, will reap guaranteed long-term financial rewards. Laura and Bernie reluctantly agree. I thought, at this point, we had the makings of an excellent story - fool that I was.

------

Here's where fawguy88's plot goes off the rails. Andy appears to be the only person doing the work. That is never explained. In order to succeed, doesn't everyone need to do their part? Why aren't they? Fawguy88 fails to adaquetly explain that. Next, he introduces a third conflict number when it appears Sonja is cheating on Andy with Bernie. That's not a bad idea, but fawguy88 never deals with the problem of why Sonja, Laura, and Bernie are not doing more to get the project to succeed, given their stated desire for money. After all, if Sonja wanted to sell the mansion, she could have sided with Bernie and Laura. Once the mansion was sold, and the profits divided, she could have divorced Andy and walked away with half of his portion. Fawguy88 never addresses why his characters did not choose these alternate, and more viable option.

------

Now the plot gets truly stupid. Andy stumbles on a hidden room. The hidden room has a letter addressed to Andy from his uncle. What if Sonja, Laura, or Bernie had found the hidden room? Can you say, "Huge, giant plot hole?" All fawguy88 had to do was add a small scene where the uncle hinted at a secret to Andy. That would ensure only Andy would find the hidden room. Piss poor plot hole.

-----

Next plot hole: the 2011 scene between Sonja, Bernie, and Laura. The uncle is still alive. There is no plan to turn the mansion into a hotel. They don't even know the contents of the uncle's will. Yet they talk as if the entire idea to create a high end hotel/restaurant was already decided upon. If those three had a plan in place, then why did Laura and Bernie argue against the idea in the first part of the story. Fawguy88 should have had Laura join Andy and Sonja, with Bernie grousing ineffectively about it. And if they planned to screw Andy out of the project, why weren't the other three at least trying to get the hotel established? If the plan fails, they lose money. Let's not even begin to talk about how the three conspirators are screwing themselves. After all, if Andy owns 47.5% of the mansion, and with it the business, what do the other three get from forcing him out of the day to day operations, if the hotel/restaurant succeeds? He is a major investor, owning 47.5% of the mansion. He would end up reaping the rewards without doing any work. He could then use his 47.5% of the new business' profits to set up his own restaurant. This is just crap plot development.

-----

Over the last nine years, other readers have pointed out the lack of motivations given by fawguy88 for Laura, Sonja, and Bernie's actions. No need to repeat those here. However, how do Laura's two children play into this story? Fawguy88 introduces them, but then they disappear. Every element in a short story should have its place. The introduction, then non-development of the kids, is a failure. Finally, we are never given any hint as to the uncle's motivation. I came away from the story with the impression he was a vile, evil man. He fucks his sister, screws his married niece, and fucks over his nephew. Why? Did he hate Andy? If he did, why? Were all the so called loving holiday visits just big facades created to feed the insane ego of a sociopathic monster? Why was Andy chosen to be the victim? If fawguy88 had any skill as a writer, he would have given his readers an answer to why the uncle set up Andy. By set up, I mean not warn him if his wife's affair, and make Andy the one person in the family who is never brought into the family's sordid secrets. And don't tell me the uncle was protecting Andy. He would have protecting his nephew by sitting him down and honestly revealing his family's history. All of that is completely not addressed by fawguy88.

------

Finally, we have an ending which utterly contradicts everything that came before it. Other readers have torn apart that failure.

------

If I taught a course on creative writing, I would use this story as an example of how not to write a short story.

One star.

Pure drivel. Written by someone who is only functionally literate- too many misspells and incorrect grammar mistakes to count. The author has a fixation about exclamation points, which reduces the work to the level of teenage melodrama.

I liked the tale, so therefore according to the comments below, I must be a lowlife. Of course there are misspelled words as well as improper and poor punctuation. The reason for that is, the author writes for his entire readership

that means there must be something for the nit-pickers to complain about and allow themselves to feel good, all while patting themselves on the back. They should give thanks to the author, for his consideration. LP

It was going so well until the story had to go the stupid route.

That went completely off the deep end.

5* writing, 1* plot = 3

Holy crap that was bad

Poorly written crap.

It is a good read for about the first half and then things went sorely off track!! MC is now a multimillionaire but still works in the kitchen…. REALLY?? Who runs the place while he is doing the cooking?? What was the point of running all over Eastern Europe opening bank accounts when two or three would have been more than necessary when he was opening them in Switzerland??? Is incest even legal in England??

Had engine trouble on page 3, couldn't pull out of the nosedive.