All Comments on 'Our Little Secret'

I liked the narrative point of view, and how you handled the ending.

You really need to get someone to proofread before you post.

I like your story very much and particularly how well it flows. Yes, it would help in a few places to have a proofreader; however, those small flaws did not detract from the pleasure of the read ... nicely done!

Another writer writing as if talking to me. This is a stupid tense to write in. Writing in first person is about as dumb as it gets.

First person is one of the more difficult and successful methods of writing. Good job. You should have it proofed before you post.

I like your story, but it's pretty badly flawed. It could be a much stronger story:

(1) There are too many silly mistakes and oversights in your use of language. Here are some examples---and they're all from a single paragraph:

a. "Even at half mass..." (half *mast*?),

b. "You'd start of slow..." (start *off*?),

c. "Loved the stifled moans..." (*Who* loved them?)

There are many, many more, some in that paragraph, and others elsewhere. Things like this are very distracting to readers. They slow down reading by sending the reader off on a wild goose chase, thinking you're about to say one thing and then finding that following words don't fit with what's anticipated. And they're easily fixed if you will simply take the time to *carefully* reread what you wrote. If you can't do that, you should find an editor---one who knows something about what she's doing, and not just someone who says, "Sure! I'm an editor!"

(2) Your use of the second person ("you") is not usually a good idea. Why should I, the reader, need you to tell me (in writing, yet!) what happened when I was there to experience it? (And, in this case, there's also another issue: What if I'm a woman?) There is nothing wrong with your use of first person ("I", "me"), but your story would be a good bit stronger if you described your step-brother's actions using the third person for him. Tell *us*: "*He* did so-and-so, and it made *me* feel... ."

(Ignore the "Anonymous" comment that begins "Another writer...". No one who knows anything about writing or language would say that "writing as if talking to me" is a stupid "tense." That commentator, while asserting that your writing has been "as dumb as it gets", has been even dumber.)

(3) This is the major one: Writing a story like this about *step*-siblings is a major cop-out. If you're going to write a story about incest, make it about *real* incest: Sex between full siblings. I know that some sites don't accept stories about blood relations each enjoying the other's naughty parts. But this one does, so don't water things down with half-measures.

(4) And don't end the story just as they're getting to the "main event"! That can work in a story where you've already established that your characters are Doing It (with good descriptions of what they did!), but you haven't established that here.

--CarlusMagnus

Maybe I'm not as harsh an editor (although I do some of that for a living), but your story was engrossing and engaging enough that I didn't see a thing; I was too busy "seeing and hearing" the narrative in my head.

Very nice. Write moar!

It almost read like a letter to me, and that's really cool. I also loved the flow of the story. Sure there were a few grammatical errors, but I've seen published New York Times Best Sellers get printed and even reprinted with grammar errors in them. As long as the story flows and the message gets through, it's a win in my book.

I hope you keep writing chapters for this story, if there are anymore. If not, then at the very least I hope you keep writing stories that are as interesting as this one.

I agree with most of the other comments on your story. However, it can definitely be hard to figure out which tense to use when etc. Take the critique in stride and keep your head up! I can't wait for the next chapter!

Really loved it. Sure there were some mildly distracting grammatical errors, but they didn't bother me really and they shouldn't be hard to avoid by better proofreading.

I disagree with some other points CarlusMagnus made in his critique though:

(2) I liked your use of the second person. It made the experience much more immersive. Agreed, it only works if the gender matches, but I guess this is a case of 'a little for everyone' versus 'a lot for some'.

(3) There's nothing wrong with writing about step-siblings. I don't know if you did that to make the story more acceptable but just because *real* incest stories are allowed, doesn't mean that subject is always better than "step-incest". I found this story because I particularly searched for step-sibling incest, narrated by the girl. It is ridiculous to call this a "major flaw".

(4) It's totally fine to leave something for the imagination. In fact it can be a refreshing change from always having everything described in minute detail. The "main event" here is what led to the girl's orgasm and that was certainly enough for me! I like how you handled the ending.

Thank you for writing and sharing it.

you should have let them fuck and suck each other more

I spread my legs wide so my brother would know I was up for doing the nasty with him. He entered me and started working back and forth, going deeper as my pussy stretched to take his size. When he was balls deep inside me he started picking up speed and force. I couldn't help but start moaning. "Oh god, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

Tease!! Really good, can't wait for more

2 stars...

Didn't make my boat float much.

Sorry...