Out of Love Ch. 04

Mark, his voice vibrating, said, "J... I.... everything you said was true, but it wasn't intended the way you are taking it. Yes, some of it was underhand, but we had to dosomething. We couldn't just leave it. And you weren't exactly taking my calls. It wasn't like it was something we could just talk about. It was clear that if any of us had shown up, it wouldn't have gone well."

I nodded – he had a point there. Kathy broke in and said, "J. Everything that was done was done out of love for you. We never meant to hurt you more than we already had. We just couldn't leave it the way it was. We were responsible. Chloe was devastated and so were you."

I leaned forward and said to Mark, but intending it for everyone, as calmly as I could, "I understand this. I honestly do. And it's the only reason we are having this conversation now and you aren't in a puddle of blood. But I need you to understand that while I appreciate that most of what happenedwasright, andwasneeded, and I needed it, the fact is that pretty much everything that has happened to me in the last 4 months was constructed, false and I believed it. I was manipulated and controlled and I need you to understand how that feels to me. My friends did this to me. They constructed something for me to believe in and then took it away, all in the name of trying to help. Add to that the fact that this only happened in the first place becauseyoufucked up. Do you understand that? Can you understand that? Am I getting through?"

Everyone had hung heads now. "What do you want us to do, J?" said Wendy, quietly.

I wasn't finished yet though, and ignored her. "I also need you to know something else. Even though I woke up seeing the scene I saw, I knew Chloe. I knew that once she realized how I felt, she would be filled with remorse. I knew it would tear her apart. I knew she would reach out to me and need you for support. I knew her, and I was sure of what her reactions would be. It was definitely something I questioned, since I would never have imagined her in that situation in the first place, and fuck knows, it hurts but beyond that – I know she loved me. "

I couldn't look at Chloe while I was saying this.

"I trusted that I knew who she was. Even though I was hurt, I trusted her to be the person I thought she was deep down. But you've removed some of that now. I can't trust anyone in my life right now, because everyone in it has tried to manipulate me. In trying to do what you did, you've removed my own ability to trust the one person I thought I knew best, beyond the damage you'd already done that night. Do you understand that? Do you get what you've done? Do you understand now the depths of the damage you have wrought?"

Wendy and Kathy started crying as I said all this. Jim stared at his hands and Mark shifted in his chair, looking for something he could say.

I held up my hand as Jessica said, "J, I..."

"Amy, Jessica, whatever I call you, I told you this once before and I'm going to say it again now.Can you please shut the fuck up! I do not want to hear whatever you have to say right now. Maybe another time, but right now, you need to be quiet."

I looked at them and it was now time for the last question. The million dollar one. The only one I really wanted to ask and need the answer to. I turned to Chloe, who had stopped crying and was just looking at me, with fear and panic in her eyes. "There is one thing I need to know."

"How much did Chloe know? How much was she a part of this?" There was silence and I knew everything I needed to know in that instant. And it hurt.

"So she knew then?" I turned. If I thought my heart was breaking before, it was breaking completely now. I wouldn't survive this, I knew, but I had to know.

"She knew some of it," said Mark. "She knew didn't know about the asshole she had as a lodger. We only let her in on it when you went back to Portland."

I smirked, "I'll bet she was happy about that." Then I lost the smirk and said, "Cos fuck knows I'm not. There's something to answer for there Mark, you know that."

He looked down, defeated and said "Yeah, we know. There's so much we did wrong. We were just trying to make up. You know that."

I looked back and Chloe and I could see the tears start again. I could see her mouthing 'I'm so sorry' and 'Please', over and over again.

"She wanted to kill us when we told her what we had done. She wanted to come to Portland and tell you instantly. She actually came to do exactly that, but we managed to direct her to Doctor Ingram first, and she was able to convince her that it wasn't the best course of action. That if she really wanted you back, this was the way to do it with the least pain," said Jim in a distant voice.

I said directly to Chloe in a flat voice, "I honestly thought you were unbelievably strong, coming back in yourself in those weeks. I also didn't understand why you didn't just kill her." I nodded at Jessica. "Now I understand why. You knew it was only temporary. That I was being pushed into coming back to be with you. That she was ultimately no threat to you."

"J... I... I'm sorry. So sorry. She said it would bring you back to me. Don't you understand? Ihadto have you back, at any cost. I couldn't survive without you," Chloe said, between sobs. "I didn't know anything else. She told me not to blow it, that it would all come right in the end. I just had to follow her lead. I didn't know what was going on; I didn't know what they planned. She suggested that I ask Wendy over that night, that it would be alright and if things went according to plan, you'd be mine forever but I had no idea what she was doing or how she was planning it. I swear."

I sat there silently, digesting this. Presently I said, "Chloe, the way to get someone to trust you again is not to lie to them."

"What am I supposed to do, J? Tell me. Tell me what I need to do to have you back. I'll do it. Anything. I just can't stand this anymore," replied Chloe, desperation coloring her voice and body language.

"I..." It was I who was lost for words now. I had known this decision was coming, ever since I set this meeting in motion. Part of it was to resolve all the facts, so I could arrive at a decision. I had vacillated between what I would do – if I could forgive Chloe or not, if she knew or not. And now we were here and I had no idea what to do. I was still bitterly hurt at the treatment and betrayals that had been heaped on me, but I still wanted to love her. I literally had nowhere else to turn.

"If I might?" said Jessica, softly.

I nodded at her.

"J, you are a good man. We all know that. The question you have to answer here is how much do you love you wife?"

I just looked at her, expressionless.

"Would you hurt someone for her?"

I nodded.

"Would you kill for her?"

I nodded again.

"Would you die for her?"

I blinked and after a second said quietly, "If I had to. I'd rather not though."

It wasn't much of a question.

"Then, and I say this with years of training behind me, what the fuck is the problem? She made a mistake. It was a biggie. It sucked. You moved past it. Suck it up andbe happyyou idiot. You don't have to completely forgive or completely forget. You just have to be together. You will find the way to cope. She's obviously not going to do it again and just wants to do anything to make you happy. Butstopthis punishment, because at this point, it's not her you are punishing the most. It's you. I don't why but you seem to have a deep rooted neurosis about this. Like you caused this, by failing somehow. Just... "

Jessica ran down, shook her head at me and then said in an exasperated voice, "Stop looking at me, dumbass and look at her."

I looked at Chloe, looked at the hope in her face – so desperate and in need - and just said, "Oh Chloe..." and with that, she jumped into my arms, and held on tight.

I kissed her hard. She kissed me hard. There was a sob behind us but I didn't move until I was done.

When I was done, without moving my face from looking at Chloe's rampant smile, I said, "None of you are off the hook. We are moving to Portland and that is not up for discussion. I don't really want to see you guys around very much, at least not now. You have a fuck load of trust to rebuild and I'm not sure you can. If I detect any manipulation from you, well, you won't like my response very much. Do we understand each other?"

I got a chorus of 'Yes', 'Of course' and one 'Get a room' from behind me. I smiled at that.

"Right. Fuck off, all of you. I have things to do," I said, again without turning around or letting go of my Chloe.

And as they left I did call out, "Wendy... you did keep that outfit, right?" which made her blush again.

Epilog.

It's been two years since then. We moved to Portland, as I promised. Chloe is still my wife – she moved jobs out there; there's always a need for a good nurse - and we have a new set of friends now. We still go back to Spokane every now and then – we were just back there for a wedding and we saw Jim and Kathy and Mark and Wendy at the reception. They looked the same. I could see how they wanted it to be like old times, and they tried really hard but it wasn't. But at least we are able to be cordial now, which is a step forward. Jim keeps asking me if I want to start a consultancy business with him – a full on, we-have-people-working-for-us business but while it's not that I don't trust him,- although I don't fully,- it's just that I'm happy doing what I'm doing.

While I understand why they did what they did, how they got in and just went for broke to try and recover something they fucked up in the first place, I haven't fully forgiven them in any way. I always knew they were capable of stuff like this, but I hadn't realized what it would be like to be on the receiving end. Sometimes I think about revenge, or doing something to them so they would fully understand, but for what? They didn't do it maliciously – they weren't intent on breaking us up or not caring about what I thought. They just jumped the gun, assumed I was on board because they were drunk, high and horny, and they'd misread my signals. The question has been raised to me about what I would have done had Inothad to deal with the tree. If I'dnotbeen tired and been part of the games. IfI'dbeen liquored up as they were. Would I have gone along? Would I have joined in? And I think that the answer there is quite probably yes. Given that, it's hard not to understand where they were coming from. Their actions weren't anywhere in the vicinity of right, but they were at least understandable. No one had been trying to take something from me – quite the opposite in fact; circumstances had just conspired to make it such that I saw it all from the worst possible perspective.

I'm still hurt. I'm still pissed, but life is too short. I don't forgive that easily, and definitely not forget, but on the other hand, they just want to be my friend, and it's painfully obvious they are trying so hard to make amends. They blew a quarter of a million dollars trying – it's kinda hard to stay so pissed when you know that.

So we did invite them out for a BBQ here in a couple of weeks, which will be interesting. I still haven't forgotten the promise of all 3 girls at once, and remind Chloe of that every once in a while.

Chloe and I are closer than ever. She has the light restored in her eyes and last year we went to Hawaii for our anniversary. I can still see that image of her, every now and then and I can see the pain in her eyes when I react in certain ways, but, as I said to her, that's her cross to bear. None of us come out unscathed.

Doctor Ingram went back to her facility in Washington DC, although she did come by a couple of months ago since she was in town. She asked if I minded be the subject of a book she was writing, anonymously of course. Apparently I have what she is coining a "chivalry complex" and she wants to explore it. I really don't care that much and told her to have at it. As long as it didn't identify me, I could care less.

Sexually, Chloe and I have explored more. We've had a couple of threesomes and we even swapped with another couple - I was extremely nervous about that, and she even more so, but we wanted to see if we could handle it and while it was fun, it was something we both agreed we wouldn't want to do very often.

But having said that, I have taken Chloe to a certain strip club a few times now, and Wonton is fast becoming a friend – a veryspecialfriend – we see her socially and her name is actually Sophia. I can't wait for Halloween this year.