All Comments on 'Outsiders Pt. 02'

"Die" is the singular of dice.

Example: "He chose a d20 die from his bag of gaming dice."

(I'm not a gamer but have gaming friends and relatives.)

I like it

Keep it up.

The evil plan confession was waaaay too long.

I thought this chapter was better than the last, but the evil monologue was waaay too much. It killed the momentum.

I enjoyed it greatly. Things progressed and took an interesting direction. The long monologue reveal of everything wasn't bad. It was a bit long and drawn out, perhaps, but very interesting none the less. I liked how the characters evolved and the adherence to the d20 ruleset. I think you got a cool take on things.

I really enjoy were this is going. However, I agree with Red. Things got a bit melodramatic towards the end. Still, big fan of yours. Keep it up.

I didn't really have a problem with the length of the monologue, or its tone.

However, I did have a little trouble retaining by suspension of disbelief when you tried to make magic into science the way that you did.

But I ultimately decided I'd just have to deal with the fact that it doesn't make sense / that it's really fantasy, despite the sci-fi framework. Fullmetal Alchemist is the same way...

Actually, the parallels between this and Fullmetal are... extensive.

-- Which is perfectly alright ;)

quote: "I write what I write. It's my hobby and I do it purely for fun. If you don't like the content of my stories, (i.e. the plot, the actions of the characters, etc.) feel free to keep it to yourself."

The first half of the story was really good, I loved the dice stuff and Simon's death was actually kind of satisfying. But the end of it read like you had a point to make and didn't care if it was rational or not. The general message was "faith in a god is bad for humanity while faith in science and human ingenuity is good," but the justification for this message fails to pass the test of reason that the message purports. I'll attribute the massive generalizations that you use to creative license, but the underlying premise that people's realization that human ingenuity was empowering is flawed by the reality that Egyptians believed Pharaoh channeled the power of the gods, the pyramids were built in defense of the pharaoh as he continued his godly responsibilities after death. Additionally your narrative states that some humans believe the pyramids were created by aliens and that's dumb, but it then reveals that the pyramids were built to defend against aliens(!) and that's smart. I think I did a literal double take at that one. Beyond that, it doesn't make sense that as humanity gradually believed in science the outsiders were locked out firmly, but as humanity gradually doubts science, there's a "crack" in the barrier.

I like sci-fi and fantasy well enough, and suspend my disbelief completely as long as a narrative doesn't contradict itself. I have no problems with a guy getting D&D powers and turning his cat into a spider, but I do have a problem when the underpinnings of the world you create don't agree with each other.

He ordered her to:

a] Accept that he has magic.

b] To do what she normally did.

Since she normally stole from everyone, this was the same as ordering her to steal from him again. It is all his fault. This time at least.

I like the gaming aspects, it's fun and novel.

The sex is good to mediocre, it has promise. As you develop Ben's ability as a lover, I'm hoping the time spent on that aspect won't be so brief.

But then comes all the blabbering about how belief in science put up a barrier all at once - from the construction of a pyramid whose sole purpose is to house the god that the Egyptians worshiped... which completely contradicts your plot device.

Also, they were only one of many religious cultures of the time, so, it couldn't have happened "suddenly" because the other religious cultures carried on with their 'ignorant faith' long after...

The religion bashing poorly couched as a plot device should at least not be so full of logic holes if your faith of choice is science.

Faith is the the belief in things you cannot see or prove.

When science can prove every theorem and postulate then it will stop being something people Believe in, ie Have Faith In. Until then there will be a level of Faith involved in science. Talk to cancer doctors who have seen bodies riddled with terminal cancer tumors who then come back with Zero tumors, completely healthy after being prayed over. I'm not saying I understand it, I'm just pointing out that science doesn't explain all of mankind's experiences.

I don't care what people believe - or don't - but I do see attacking any faith as leading towards the persecution of free will. Also, the attack upon people just because they don't believe as you do shows an arrogance that speaks of a lack of experience with the wider world... or the narrow mindedness that comes from a zealotry.

Here's hoping you let go of your faith hate-on and get back to your funny, smutty, gaming story with a complex character that is learning and growing... that part is pretty good!

J

I was really enjoying this story and chapter until you dropped acid and lost it. I will hang in there for another chapter hoping you've not been committed.

The plot thickens...