Pain, Anguish - Reconciliation?

"No, I'm not alright Thomas, why did you do that?" Rachel asks.

"I guess you could say it was self medication." Thomas says.

"How the hell do you see that as self medication?" Rachel asks.

"The thing that was eating at me more than anything else Rachel was the fact that you said the kids never needed to know, and Angela agreed with you. Now the kids may be emotionally scarred by what they heard tonight, and if they are I take full responsibility for it, but they had just as much right to know what you had done as I did. But more than that was the revenge factor." Thomas says.

"Revenge on who?" Rachel asks.

"On you. I couldn't bring myself to hurt you physically no matter how much I wanted to so I changed my tactics. By making you tell the children about your infidelity I cut deep into your heart. I can see it in your eyes; you're dying inside right now because even if they don't understand what you did your children know that you are the one that destroyed our family. Catching you with Kyle killed me inside, so I have retaliated in kind. Several months ago you slapped me and said how dare I think that you hadn't been hurt by what happened. I have no doubt that you did hurt, but once the shock of what has happened tonight wears off you will know a new kind of pain, you will truly know what it means to hurt. By the next time we meet with Angela I think you'll understand what you did to me a good deal better." Thomas says.

Thomas gets up and leaves.

Angela was a little worried as she waited for Thomas and Rachel to arrive for their session one week after the explosive night when Rachel had finally told Thomas the full truth about not one, but two affairs. Thomas had snapped and had gone and abducted Kyle and Rebecca and taken them to the house where Thomas made Rachel tell the kids about what she had done. He had then made Rebecca and Kyle apologize to the kids and to him for their part in Rachel's infidelity.

Angela had been meeting with Thomas twice per week and Rachel once per week in addition to the group sessions, but after the events of that night Angela had decided to cancel the individual appointments over the next week so the group session that would start as soon as they had both arrived would be the first time that all three of them had been in the same room since that night.

Angela was quite shocked when Thomas was the first one to arrive that day. He'd always arrived after Rachel, but this time he got there first. Angela found it quite strange that Thomas was whistling as he walked in and he had a smile on his face, something she'd never seen him do before.

"You're in a very good mood today considering what happened last week." Angela says.

"I'm in a very good mood today because of what happened last week Doc." Thomas says.

"How could that have put you in a good mood?" Angela asks.

"You know for a person that deals with people's mental health you sure are kind of dumb about the subject some times. Last week was exactly what I needed, I'd been holding all that shit inside me for nearly a year, I'd been desperate to know what Rachel had done and who she'd done it with. When I finally learned the truth I could finally take my revenge so I did." Thomas says.

"How was what happened last week revenge?" Angela asks.

"Rachel hurt me far deeper than she could possibly have understood, by making her tell the kids what she had done, with the two people she'd done it with right there for the kids to see I hurt her just as deeply as she had hurt me." Thomas says.

"You don't think she hurt before?" Angela asks.

"Oh I know she did, but her hurt was a paper cut while mine was a gunshot wound. If and when Rachel shows up I'd be willing to bet that she looks like hell, her hair will be a mess, she won't have on any makeup, her clothes will not match, and it will look as if she has been crying non-stop." Thomas says.

"Thomas, I have to ask, did you ever intend to try to save your marriage or has this all been about finding out what she had done so you could get your full revenge on her?" Angela asks.

"You speak as if trying to save my marriage and getting my revenge are separate things, they are not." Thomas says.

"How are they connected?" Angela asks.

"Right now we have both been wounded deeply by the other. If I hadn't hurt her to the level that I did there would have been no chance of reconciliation, now there's at least a possibility that we can fix this." Thomas says.

"How do you rationalize that?" Angela asks.

"I can never forgive Rachel for what she did, but I still love her. She will never forgive herself for what she did, but she still loves me. If we had left it at that and tried to get back together there would have been this thing hanging over our heads that would have eventually led us to divorce court. This way we've both hurt the other and we both feel terrible about what we've done, we're on a level playing field now, neither of us has a distinct moral superiority over the other. We've got a lot of great history together, and some bad, if we use the good stuff as the foundation for an all new relationship we have a chance of getting past all of this and falling in love all over again." Thomas says.

"That may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but you know what, I think you just might be right." Angela says.

A few minutes later Rachel comes in. She looks exactly as Thomas had said she would, her hair is a mess, she has on no makeup, her clothes don't match, and she's obviously been crying.

"Sorry I'm late, I was...well I'm sorry I'm late." Rachel says.

"That's quite alright. While we were waiting Thomas and I were talking about why he did what he did last week and though his answer was quite shocking, I think there's something we can build off of, assuming that you still want to save your marriage." Angela says.

"I'm not sure anymore, after last week, I'm not sure of anything anymore." Rachel says.

"Well, let's see if we can't get you sure of things again. Thomas told me that he did what he did out of revenge." Angela says.

"I know, before he left last week he told me that part." Rachel says.

"But he didn't tell you why he decided to take revenge did he?" Angela asks.

"Obviously it was because I had hurt him, why else would you take revenge?" Rachel asks.

"Well yes it was because you hurt him, but Thomas told me he took revenge against you in that way in the hopes that it could help save your marriage." Angela says.

"How in the hell is what happened last week supposed to help save our marriage?" Rachel asks.

"I'll let Thomas explain it to you." Angela says.

"Rachel, you hurt me more deeply than you could understand by doing what you did. It was bad enough that you did what you did with Kyle, but to have done it with Rebecca too, there was no way that I would be able to get back together with you the way things were. You were ashamed and sorry for what you had done, but you didn't hurt the way that I did. If I had agreed to come back to you like that your two affairs would have hung over our heads until they destroyed what was left of our relationship. There's no way to make those affairs go away, nothing can change what happened so the only way that I could see us being able to get back together was to have something equally horrible that I did hanging over our heads to balance out your affairs. I wanted that horrible thing to be physically assaulting you, I can be a very violent person at times, but the last thing I could have ever done was raise my hand against you so if I had attacked you it would have been the most horrible thing I had ever done, but even in my highly enraged state I was unable to strike you. I couldn't do it. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I was still determined to do something horrible that would balance with your affairs so I decided that the next most horrible thing I could do would be abducting Kyle and Rebecca and making them apologize to the kids for having sex with you after I'd made you tell the kids what you had done. I was dying inside as you told the kids about your affairs and I wanted to cry out for you to stop but I knew that I had to make you go through with it, I had to hurt you deep enough that you would understand the pain you had caused me. I had to knock you down to the lowest depths of suffering with me, because only with both of us hurting because of the actions of the other, and with both of us having a horrible thing hanging over our heads can we have a chance at saving our marriage. It might not make sense to you, but I had to hurt you to try to save us." Thomas says.

"It makes perfect sense to me Thomas. You're right, before last week I was hurting, but I had no idea what real pain was until the events of last week. Now I have sunk to below rock bottom, my heart has shattered, I didn't even want to get of bed the next morning. The one question I have is can two people that have hurt each other so deeply find enough good stuff to save their marriage?" Rachel asks.

"That's what we're going to try to find out." Angela says.

With the first steps taken toward reconciliation Thomas and Rachel begin meeting with Angela 3 days per week and they each meet with her alone once a week.

Fifteen months after Thomas had caught Rachel with Kyle they are at a Friday afternoon session with Angela and they are just wrapping things up.

"Rachel, have you got any plans for tonight?" Thomas asks.

"No, I haven't got anything planned, why?" Rachel asks.

"I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go to dinner with me." Thomas says.

"Thomas, are you asking me out on a date?" Rachel asks.

"Yeah, I guess I am." Thomas says.

"Well I'd be happy to have dinner with you, but we'd better see what Angela thinks." Rachel says.

"I think it's a wonderful idea, the more you two are willing and able to spend time together away from this office the better your chances of full reconciliation." Angela says.

"Well then, it sounds like we're on for dinner." Rachel says.

"Great. I thought we could try that new Italian place over on Lincoln." Thomas says.

"That sounds good to me." Rachel says.

"If you're going to go out Rachel, you might want to change first." Angela says.

"I guess I am kind of a mess right now." Rachel says looking down at herself.

"Well then, how about we leave a little bit early so Rachel can go clean up and I'll make a reservation and pick you up at 7:00." Thomas says.

When they get to the restaurant Rachel is surprised by what Thomas does.

"So tell me a little about yourself." Thomas says.

"What?" Rachel asks.

"Okay, I'll go first. My name is Thomas, I'm 31, I have my own small engineering company here in town. I prefer country or classical music but I can listen to anything but hardcore rap. I play golf, and I'd rather drive a beat up old pickup truck than a luxury car. Now it's your turn." Thomas says.

"Okay. My name is Rachel, I'm also 31; I work for Smith & Associates here in town as a project manager. I like country and rock and roll. I work out a lot, I still play basketball with girls from high school, and I prefer luxury cars, but I've got a minivan right now so that I can haul around my kids." Rachel says.

"Oh you've got kids?" Thomas asks.

"Yes, I've got four wonderful children, two boys and two girls. Do you have any kids?" Rachel asks.

"Yes, I also have four kids from a previous relationship, they live with their mother and I haven't been on the best of terms with her so I don't get to see the kids as much as I'd like to." Thomas says.

"That's too bad; I bet they really miss you, my kids keep asking me when their daddy is going to come see them." Rachel says.

"This may be a little too personal for a first date, but what happened between you and your ex?" Thomas asks.

"Nothing happened between me and him, something happened between me and a man I met through work and between me and a female friend, my ex didn't respond very well to that." Rachel says.

"No, I don't suppose he would. I know I sure didn't when I caught my ex in our bed with another man." Thomas says.

"How much of a coincidence is that, we both had the same problem, but I was on one end and you were on the other." Rachel says.

"I take it your ex wasn't any more successful than I was at finding a way to forgive what had happened." Thomas says.

"No, he tried, he really tried, we went to a marriage counselor for a while, but he finally decided..." Rachel says.

"He decided that there would always be a dark cloud hanging over you because of what happened." Thomas said.

"Yes, that's exactly right." Rachel said.

"Yeah, that's exactly how it was for me too. It was so bad for me that when we were seeing the marriage counselor I couldn't stand to look at my ex or to have her touch me for fear that I'd break down." Thomas says.

"That's very similar to how it was for us. Quite the pair we make, broken, unsure if we can ever love again, but still fighting." Rachel says.

"If I didn't think it was possible for me to love again I wouldn't be here, but it's still so painful that I'm afraid I won't be able to open up to you as easily as I would have been able to before." Thomas says.

"It will be the same for me, but perhaps it will be better for both of us this way, we understand what the other has been through and neither one of us is in any hurry to risk being hurt again. I think we should just take our time and try to have some fun. Who knows maybe we'll be able to put our exes behind us and get back to really living." Rachel says.

"That sounds like a great idea." Thomas says.

Treating each other as strangers Thomas and Rachel talk about things that they already know, or think they know about one another. Since the next day is Saturday Thomas comes over and they take the kids out for a day of fun, they continue to treat one another as if they have only just begun getting to know each other.

Monday afternoon is the first session following their date, Angela is eager to hear how it went.

"So, tell me what happened." Angela says.

"Well, Thomas came up with a unique way to handle things. When we had been seated at the restaurant he introduced himself as if we had just met and we just started talking about all kinds of things that we've known about each other for years." Rachel says.

"More like that we thought we've known. I always thought your favorite color was red but it turns out that it's green." Thomas says.

"You really thought my favorite color was red?" Rachel asks.

"You've got so many red clothes, I just assumed." Thomas says.

"I look good in red, that doesn't mean that it's my favorite color." Rachel says.

"You do look very good in red." Thomas says.

"So you treated it as if it were a first date, what happened when you took her home?" Angela asks.

"I dropped her off and I went home." Thomas says.

"So there was no goodnight kiss?" Angela asks.

"No, neither one of us is fully prepared for that right now, maybe in a few more weeks." Rachel says.

"Thomas, do you feel the same way?" Angela asks.

"I am the one that couldn't stand to have her touch me just a few months ago, I want to take things nice and slow so that we don't fuck things up." Thomas says.

"Well, it's fucking that I want to talk about. In individual sessions we have discussed sex quite a bit, Thomas, unless something changed this weekend you haven't had sex or masturbated since you caught Rachel with Kyle, that's well over a year without sex, the sexual tension is evident on your face. It's noble that you've abstained and stayed faithful to Rachel when nobody would have or could have blamed you for going out and getting laid. Rachel, from our conversations you've revealed that you've been gaining relief through masturbation but you've told me that even great masturbation is no replacement for actual sex. I think it would be good for the two of you, to at least talk about sex together. You may not be willing or able to have sex with one another right now, but perhaps just talking about it will relieve some of the sexual tension that you're both feeling." Angela says.

"This may sound like a stupid question, but just how are we supposed to talk about sex?" Rachel asks.

"I don't think it's a stupid question, I haven't got the slightest idea how we would do that either." Thomas says.

"Are you serious? Have the two of you never talked about sex before?" Angela asks.

"Well, the thing about that is, we never used to need to talk, we'd just go do it." Thomas says.

"Yes, I see. Very well, I'll help you get started. Thomas, you became quite angry when you learned that Rachel had given oral sex to Kyle because she has only given it to you rarely and even in those cases you had to beg for it. Why don't you ask Rachel why she so willingly gave to Kyle what she has been so hesitant to give to you." Angela says.

"What about that? Why would you so willingly give a man you claim to have had no feelings for something that you were unwilling to give your husband?" Thomas asks.

"I guess I was afraid." Rachel says.

"Afraid of what?" Thomas asks.

"Well, I know that you don't like me to talk about my relationship with Neil, but if I am going to be truthful with you I must. As you know Neil was the first person I ever had sex with. We'd been going out for quite a while before we first had sex and at the time I was in love with him. Well after we started having sex things changed. He became jealous and controlling, and he wanted me to do more things with him sexually. He pressured me into having anal sex with him, but after the first time I refused to do that again. He became obsessed with oral sex. It got to the point where he wouldn't want to have regular sex; all he wanted was for me to give him oral sex. He would always pull back just as he was about to cum and shoot it on my face. I grew to hate oral sex, but I continued to give it to him because I still loved him. When I finally decided that our relationship was over I decided to never again let anyone have that kind of sexual power over me. That's why I have been so hesitant to give you oral sex, I was afraid that you would begin acting like Neil had, and I couldn't bear to go through that again." Rachel says.

"So why did you give oral sex to Kyle?" Thomas asks.

"Kyle was the aggressor in wanting a sexual relationship, but when it came to the actual sex itself I was the one in charge. I found that with his submissiveness giving him oral sex gave me a great feeling of power. I had the ability to give him great pleasure, but only if I chose to do so. Thomas, I'm so sorry." Rachel says.

"I know you are. If you haven't been doing so already perhaps you should talk to Angela about your relationship with Neil, you still carry many emotional scars from your time with him." Thomas says.

"That's a good idea, I'd love to be able to leave that son of a bitch dead and buried where he belongs." Rachel says.

"I'd be happy to help you work through any issues you have concerning past relationships." Angela says.

"Doc, unless you object I'd like to turn this session in a different direction now." Thomas says.

"Thomas, I was really hoping to get you two talking about sex today." Angela says.

"Oh I still intend to talk about sex Doc, I would just like to narrow things down to one particular area of discussion." Thomas says.

"What area is that?" Angela asks.

"Bisexual wives." Thomas says.

Rachel's face goes pale and she looks down into her lap.

"Thomas, are you sure that you want to do this? We're still on shaky ground right now." Angela says.

"Don't worry Doc, I intend for this to be a calm, civilized conversation, I merely have some questions that I would like to know the answers to." Thomas says.

"Rachel, are you willing to answer some questions along these lines?" Angela asks.