All Comments on 'Paul and Susan'

Thanks! I'd like to see the twins continue. Keep up the good work!

The story was very good but in 1978 no one knew of AIDS. The name AIDS wasn't used until around 1983 or 84. Hope we will read more of the twins in the future

I found the story believeable and not over exagerated . Please continue this story .

I've been guilty of this as well, but as I write more, I find delivering background details of characters gradually spread through a story more satisfying than preambling the story with five or six graphs of background info. That slows a story down.

Your though really took off after the first page, and was engrossing. You have a very good knack for writing believable dialogue that gives this a realistic feel.

Good job. I will watch for more from you.

Wish she was my sister! Great story!

Please, take this constructive criticism in the manner in which I give it: graciously, with interest, and because I see much promise for this story. I have tried not to be disrespectful, but at the same time, I have tried to be clear and succinct. If I fail in the former in my pursuit of the latter, I apologize now.<br><br>

Whereas most writers err by insufficiently establishing the setting, you go to the opposite extreme. Honestly, for example, how does the family's dinner time rituals progress the story? Setting is good; setting for the sake of setting is not good. My advice, keep the attention to detail in your early drafts, but prune the detail asking yourself at every point, "How does this progress (or will in the future) the story?"<br><br>

Furthermore, the text does not flow. This is partly because your writing style, while clear, is quite choppy. First, it felt that you were writing a Wikipedia article biography of the characters. (This appeared at parts. How does the mother's educational background and her thoughts about have become a stay-at-home mother progress the story?) Then, your style morphed into a formula almost like "Event A. Event B. Event C... Event n...." It was too heavily loaded with short simple sentences with not enough compound and complex sentences to give texture to the writing. (Granted, shorter sentences are better than long, rambling sentences.) This may have been more noticeable to me because, as I in a way said before, the writing felt biographical rather than a narrative. The story tells us about their lives, but it tells us little about the characters. Overall, it seems that you are influenced by the writers' maxim that one's prose should not rely upon modifiers and that the nouns and verbs should do the work. There is truth in this... in moderation.<br><br>

Finally, you set up a conservative family. You meticulously establish the setting, but then the twins fall into a sexual situation with utter frankness. "Oh, you walked in on me, so brother, I will show you my breasts." To use a cliché, that came out of left field. There were no hints that either twin was remotely interested in the other, or distinctly not interested in incest, or anything for that matter beside a vague desire for sex. My advice is to get into the characters' minds, not just their lives.

good but all the school work in the middle made it very boring try to keep it interesting

good but you need an editor there were places where you left out words and that makes it hard to read the reader has to stop and figure out what you wanted to say the last thing you want to do is pull the reader out of the trance you are trying to put them in so get an editor and do a rewriteof all your stories

AIDS was observed in the united states starting in 1981, and back then it was called GRID (gay-related immune deficiency). It wasn't called AIDS until 1984 and there wasn't a test for it until 1985. Your story takes place in 1978 and mentions a disease that doesn't exist yet :)

If you don't find someone else you are willing to do this with I wouldn't mind if we continued doing it together. But if you do find someone I will understand, because, after all, . . . .

A chore to be done, a nice chore to be sure, just like their homework and having mom proof read their papers for them. ho hum