Peaks and Valleys

"I don't know," I said. "I don't like head games. I don't like my emotions being toyed with, and I can't understand how someone who claims to love me could run me through the wringer like that."

"Will you at least talk to her? She's been a wreck since that day. She's stopped hanging with all of us. The only reason she is talking to me is because I promised to set everything straight with you."

"I don't know. If I see her, I'll want to touch her. I'll want to take her pain away."

"She wants to take yours away," said Tracy from behind me. "She desperately wants to go back and never make that call, even though what she heard made her fall deeper in love with you than she's ever been with anyone. She hurt you to find out and now wants more than anything to make it right."

The red-eyed sobbing disheveled mess behind me barely resembled the girl I had skied and slept with during Spring Break. Tammy left the bench and went over to Gray's car while Tracy sat next to me. I could tell she wanted a hug, but I wasn't ready for that. Somehow, she managed to look even more dejected.

She retold about the wine fueled afternoon calls just as Tammy had. She told me that they had been betting on the reactions of the guys they were calling. "The others bet you would challenge whether the baby was yours or not, I figured you'd talk marriage. Nobody expected you to react the way you did. I was so happy until I realized that you were ready to quit school that moment. I had to tell you the truth right away. I wish I had never done it Rad. The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you, but your reaction made me want you even more. You didn't even want to ask me to marry you over the phone, but I knew that was your plan"

I told her how I went from scared to death to feeling lower than dirt for screwing up her life. I told her that I had seen in that moment that I would have a chance to give a child a life that I was denied. I had never told her much about my upbringing. I told her more or less about Craig and about how other than my grandpa, he'd been the closest to a father I had ever had. I didn't reveal everything about my mother; she was never a subject about which I talked.

As we were talking, the sun began setting behind The Flatirons, casting long shadows over us. The spring air held a bit of a chill and I could see Tracy shiver. Without thinking, I put my arm around her to warm her and she snuggled into me. It felt so right to have her close. I asked if they had to leave right away and she told me that she had planned to stay as long as it took her to get me back.

Tammy and Gray seemed to be hitting it off pretty well, so it was no problem for them to come to our apartment. We ordered a couple of pizzas and Tracy and I went into my room to talk. I had considered being a bit mean and making her grovel more, but when I got a good look at her, I realized just how much she'd been beating herself up over me. Even after I told her that I was okay she still seemed unconvinced.

We fell asleep at some point during our conversation, and I woke in the early morning with her snuggled into me. I could tell that she was getting the first real sleep she'd gotten in a while. I lay there listening to her breathe and thought that I would love to listen to her breathe forever.

I awoke later in the morning to find her staring at my face. When she saw I was awake, she smiled and kissed my nose. "I could wake up like this forever, Rad. Of course, I'd prefer to not be fully dressed."

"Funny. I thought something very similar this morning as I listened to you sleep. I could easily spend the rest of my life listening to that."

We started making out, then I heard Gray moving around in the kitchen. "Shall we go get something to eat?"

"I'd love a shower first," she said. "Plus, I am going to talk Tammy into staying tonight too. I love you Rad. Don't ever doubt that for a second." She kissed me, then I showed her the tricks to the shower and went to find out what we had to eat.

We all spent the day Saturday hiking in Boulder Canon, Gray was oh so sweet enough to point out my favorite spot to Tracy, neglecting to mention that I usually climb up there in harness with belaying lines. I spent the next hour of the hike convincing Tracy, and Tammy for some reason, that I had only made that jaunt once without safety gear. I didn't mention why, trying not to open up wounds.

That night Tracy and I made love all night, finally falling asleep around 4 am. I woke up spooned into her, and this time there were no complaints about clothing being in the way. We could hear Gray and Tammy going at it and started again ourselves. Afterward, Tracy wondered aloud what Tammy's boyfriend would say.

Around dusk, the girls decided they better get back to Laramie. I hated to see Tracy go, but I knew she had to. As I kissed her good bye it dawned on me to ask. "Just how did you know I was going to be at the soccer game?"

She smiled sheepishly, "My Uncle Philip kind of helped on that one."

"Uncle Philip? How did he know I was going to be there?"

"He sent you there because I told him I'd be there. I told him all about us, and how I had monumentally screwed up. He took pity and helped me set this all up. Uncle Philip is also known as Professor Steele," she smiled as I made the connection. "Yes, Rad. He's your photography professor."

* * * * *

We saw each other every weekend after our reconciliation. That summer I went back to work for the rafting outfitters and she was interning at her father's office. In mid-July, she told me she'd have to miss our weekend. Her family was going on a trip somewhere. Just before she rang off from out last conversation before her trip, she let it slip that she was hoping to see some hot guy.

"Really? Some hot guy?" Had I actually heard that correctly? I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Did she get off on breaking my heart? I decided once again that I was done with her. When she got back from her vacation, I would tell her to pack sand.

Since I turned twenty-one at the end of the school year, my employers paid for me to get my Commercial Driver's License so that I could drive the bus that ferried rafters from the office to the launching ramps. Actually, Gray and I split time driving the "pie wagon" as we called it.

Usually, Gray and I would wait at the office and watch the clients for that day's trip gathering. We would bet on how many would "pie out" at the launch ramp. Most often, it was "Mr. Bravado" or "Mr. Outdoors" that paled when actually seeing the water. The women were harder to predict.

Half an hour before everyone would get on the bus, Gray and I would take the van to the launch ramp, get all of the rafts in the water, and be sure that all of the proper safety gear was aboard. The raft guides rode down on the bus, which was driven by the lead guide. The guides liked to spend as much time with the clients as possible before the launch, so they could maybe tell who'd need the most help during the trip. When the bus got there, Gray and I would make ourselves scarce, usually to smoke a quick bowl.

Anyone opting out of the raft ride would get back on the bus, and either Gray or I would drive it to the landing area while the other would take the van and either go back to the office , run company errands, or go to the landing area. If we had no "pie outs" we'd smoke weed and climb in the hills above the landing area for a couple of hours before the boats arrived. Otherwise the driver was stuck with the client until the rafts got there.

Once in a while, a girl would pie out and whichever one of us drove the bus would try to get laid. It was rare, but it happened. Whenever there was a chance it might happen, the bus driver would park at the far end of the lot, letting the van driver know to stay away. Since I had Tracy, if there was a single female "pie out," Gray would drive the bus.

On Monday after I had talked to Tracy, Gray stated that I would drive the bus all week. I figured he thought there might be single female pie outs. Monday provided no pie outs. I did enjoy climbing the canon though. On Tuesday, two elderly couples from Texas opted out so I spent the entire time talking about my home state.

On Wednesday, Gray was acting funny. He had a smirk on his face as we drove to work. I thought that it was odd that he wanted to get the rafts to the launch ramp early. I wasn't one to argue so we went early. When we had all of them in the water and ready, he asked me to go get some coffee. He handed me a ten so I didn't ask questions, but he knew he wasn't getting any change.

When I returned half an hour later with his coffee and my nine dollars, Gray informed me that there was one pie out and she was already on the bus. The rafts had left the ramp and were moving down the river. When I turned to ask Gray what the pie out looked like, he was already in the van and getting ready to go.

I climbed on the bus and didn't see my passenger for a few moments, but then I saw a pair of feet hanging off the seat into the aisle. I didn't know if she was asleep or just hiding. Some pie outs acted embarrassed.

"I'm Rad, I'll be your chauffeur down the canon for today. Sorry you didn't like the raft, but even worse, you're stuck with me for a few hours. We're going down to the landing area now."

I didn't get an answer, so I figured it was going to be a boring day and started the bus. I kept looking back during the trip down the canon but my passenger never showed her face. Forty five minutes later, I was pulling into the parking lot at the exit ramp.

I parked and left the bus to go to the restroom. When I returned the feet had moved up several rows but I still couldn't see their owner. I sat back in the driver's seat and just looked at the canon wall ahead.

I was daydreaming and didn't realize that my passenger had moved directly behind me until she spoke. "So, Rad, what is there to do while we wait for the others?"

I was about to suggest walking around outside to see nature when I noticed two things. First, was that Gray had parked far away from the bus; the second was I knew the voice of my passenger. "Tracy?" I said turning into a hug. "I... I... I..."

She silenced me with a kiss. "I knew you were going nuts thinking I was away with some guy. Don't be mad, Gray and I worked this all out a week ago."

"Fucking Gray," I said. I was relieved and happy to see Tracy, but let her know in no uncertain terms that I was close to dumping her ass. "I am way tired of being hurt," I told her. Even worse, I felt tears as I tried to voice my frustration.

She pulled me tightly to her and apologized profusely. We did manage to get dressed in time for the rafts to arrive. Before she went to rejoin her family, she swore that there would be no more jokes. I was fine with that.

* * * * *

My senior year seemed to fly by. I met her parents at Thanksgiving, and we split time between her folks' and my grandparents' homes during Christmas. We saw each other almost every weekend, as long as the weather allowed it.

We had originally planned to go to Florida with Gray and his then girlfriend for spring break. When the ski team schedule came out, we saw that Gray was going to be in Vermont from Wednesday through Sunday that week. He decided that it wouldn't be worth it to go to Florida for a couple days, so he and his girl decided they'd just go to Vermont.

Gray and I graduated that spring. My grandparents attended and this time my mother didn't even bother to send a card. The biggest surprise for me was a gift from my grandpa. The very man who told me that moving to Colorado would make me into a hippy, bought me a set of crampons. Having worked in the sporting goods store, I knew he'd spent quite a bit on them. I told him that I was going to summit the tallest mountain on every continent wearing his gift. He may not have ever had reason to be proud of his daughter, but I saw pride on his face that day.

Gray got a job working for the United States Olympic Committee and was set to leave Boulder the next day. He was excited and nervous. Tracy seemed down the whole day, but I have to take some blame for that.

In the weeks prior to graduation, I had completely avoided talking about my plans for after graduation with Tracy. I had actually become fairly adept at avoiding conversation about them altogether. Any time I would sense her attempting to broach the subject, I would either rapidly bring up something else, or come up with a reason to get off of the phone.

Gray and my grandparents knew what I was planning, and it was my grandma who let the cat out of the bag during dinner. She'd asked Gray where exactly his job would be. When he answered "Colorado Springs," she said: "Oh, so will you and Rad be able to stay in touch?"

Tracy's head shot up and her eyes locked onto me. Her mouth moved as if she was trying to say something, then her hand flew up over her mouth and she rapidly left the table. I quickly excused myself from the table and followed her.

I caught up to her on the back patio. She was standing by the railing with her head hanging down. I could tell she was crying, and I instantly felt like a shit. I hoped my plan would still go through to fruition.

I was almost close enough to touch me when she asked through her sobs, "When were you planning on telling me that you are leaving Colorado?"

"Tonight, actually."

"Were you afraid that if I knew you were leaving, I wouldn't give you sex? Was there ever any love, Rad, or was I just a play toy for your college years?"

"Well, to be fully honest, I am leaving Colorado because I am in a long distance relationship. I am moving to be near her." I wasn't sure if she was going to run or punch me, but the look on her face was anything but love.

"You see," I continued. "The deal is she has a year of school left, and I don't want to only see her on the weekends. My plan is to marry her this summer, and live with her near her school next year, and then talk her into moving south with me. Because, well...Wyoming is north of Colorado."

Recognition lit her eyes and a huge smile played on her lips but the impending sob escaped. "You asshole," she sighed.

"So," I said getting down on one knee and removing the ring I had bought her from my pocket. I looked up into her green eyes and I saw the tears welling up. "Will you be my Mrs. Asshole?"

I could see her searching for a smartass answer, but in the end she fell to her knees, pulled me tight to her and locked onto my lips. "Yes," she said between kisses. "Yes, yes, a million times yes, baby!"

"About God damned time you manned up," Gray said behind me. I looked back to see that half the restaurant had followed us outside. My grandma came over and hugged Tracy, and grandpa welcomed her to the family. The restaurant manager comped our dinners, and many people bought us drinks.

Much later, a gloriously naked Tracy wrapped herself around me. "Rad, I never in my dreams thought I'd ever have this. I hope you know how much I love you; I hope you know I'd die for you."

"Good to know, but we'll hope it never comes to that," I said with a laugh. Can you believe she punched me in the arm and called me an asshole?

"Tomorrow we have to drive north and tell your parents. Think they'll be mad?"

"No way will they be mad Rad. You make me happy and that's all that matters to them."

* * * * *

. Tracy's parents made a deal with us. If we would wait until Tracy graduated to get married, they'd let us live in their basement rent-free for the year. They also offered to pay for the wedding. Tracy and I talked it over and accepted the deal, and as a bonus her dad got us jobs with his company.

Tracy and I worked for her dad all that summer. We often snuck away for lunch and once in a while we'd put a storeroom to use. When Tracy went back to school in the fall, I stayed on with her dad. We planned on moving back to Boulder when she graduated, so I saw no need to seek a more lucrative position.

We spent part of Christmas break with Gray, and New Year's we spent alone and naked, and we were planning a trip for spring break. Everything was just fine up until spring break. I wanted our last spring break to be the ultimate one, so I had saved up and got us a package to St. Thomas .

I got home one afternoon just before spring break to find a somber Tracy and her mother sitting at the kitchen table. I didn't get a smile from either as I walked in, just the opposite. I got the phrase that fills every man with dread. "Honey, sit down please. We need to talk."

Oh great! She met some football player and is dumping me. Fuck her! I'll take Jane from the coffee shop to the islands. Luckily, I didn't say any of that out loud, because it wasn't true. Tracy teared up as she took my hand.

"Your grandma called earlier," she said as the tears flowed. My first thought was something had happened to my grandpa. I started shaking.

"Rad, honey, your mother passed away last night," she said, pulling me into a hug.

"My mo..." My mind went blank. I hadn't thought about her in a long time. I wasn't sure how I felt. I figured I'd call my grandma and see how she and my grandpa were taking it.

My grandma informed me that the funeral would be during the week of spring break. I was torn between supporting my grandparents in their time of need and giving Tracy an awesome spring break. I told my grandma that I'd be there and rang off.

I planned to tell Tracy she could take someone else in my place so she could enjoy St. Thomas, and I could be there for my grandparents. I only hoped she'd take a girl. When I told her my plan, she just looked at me as if I was stupid.

"We have tickets to Austin, babe," she told me. "I canceled our reservations earlier. I reserved our flight, and figured we could save the rest of the money for our honeymoon."

It was ironic to me that the death of someone who gave less than a shit about me would show me the true depth of love that Tracy had for me. It was a humbling experience to know that she loved me enough to put me before the fun time we'd planned. I knew then I hadn't made a mistake in choosing to spend my life with her.

Due to scheduling mishaps and airline fuck ups, Tracy and I managed to walk into the funeral parlor ten minutes before the service started. To say the crowd of mourners was sparse would be an understatement. My grandparents were there along with my grandma's sister, Trudy and her "friend," Marge. Grandpa's brother, Frank, had obviously found other things to do, as had mom's countless list of fuck buddies. I had kind of hoped that Craig might show, but I knew realistically he'd have put the venomous slut out of his mind years ago.

At Tracy's urging, I did walk up to the casket. I didn't recognize the woman in there. She resembled old pictures of my grandma, if grandma had been a crack whore. Looking at the skeleton wrapped in tissue paper-like skin, I silently thanked God for my grandparents.

Grandma kept dabbing her eyes with a tissue, and grandpa wore an undiscernible look; to me he just looked bored. I spent most of the service wondering if I was a bad person because I didn't feel any pain at her passing. Tracy took every opportunity to touch me and kept telling me she loved me. I felt warm when she touched me or spoke to me.

On the way home, it struck me that the things Tracy made me feel, were the things my mother should have made me feel. I knew my grandparents loved me, but the bond with my grandma wasn't the bond a son has with his mother.

Tracy had put me first. She hadn't even considered being anywhere but beside me during a bad time. The whore-husk in the box wouldn't have bypassed watching a TV commercial to see to my needs. I loved Tracy with every ounce of my being, and I felt absolutely nothing for the incubator about to be dropped into a deep hole.