All Comments on 'Poker with Neighbors'

I realize you are a rather new author, but if you read around here at all how can you even remotely think this belongs in bdsm? This is nonconsent through and through even though you have tried to frame it as they are consenting by signing all those papers.

In terms of quality of writing, it becomes very repetitious. The characters are one dimensional. There is no emotion from anyone. It would benefit you as a writer to look through the How To section of Lit for articles on character and plot development.

I wish you well with future stories.

Thank you for your comment. I really had no idea about the information you mentioned available on the website, nor did I take the time to look. I will review the resources available on the website before my next submission. I have one submission in now pending approval though. I have some work to do and will edit the current submissions.

the male in this story is an over the top loser.

the woman is stupid.

the whole thing is so contrived it's beyond fantasy.

the ending is completely stupid.

stories have arcs...

opening scene: something happens to change character's world.

in your case, couple's gambling addiction goes too far.

mid story climax... something that turns the plot. now characters submit fully or realize they are screwed.

final act climax a reversal of the previous.

Your story has no real reversals... so finally it's boring.

Rewrite it and address the legal aspects as well.

I'm a sucker for a bet-the-girlfriend story, but.... I couldn't get past the first few paragraphs. I'd strongly suggest that you look into the Editor Program offered on Literotica. They can help you with spelling, grammar & style.

~Pirette

Kudos. This is a great hardcore no-holds-barred stroke fantasy story. Not realistic at all. So write the next chapter.

The story could be a good read but you ruined it with poor sentence construction. You say ... 'Then we did this constantly'. It sounds more like a drunken disjointed story told in a bar. Read your writing out loud before submitting, I am sure you will see the problems and improve it with a new draft. I think the suggestion of the Editorial advice is a good one.

Worse, and much less skilled, than Ellis, obviously.

I agree w/ the guy who said that he didn't care if it was realistic. Some stories on here try to be art, but this is obviously porn. Pretty high-level porn, but porn none-the-less.

He wrote "a couple of grand in the whole" instead of "hole" or whatever. I mean, who cares?

I enjoyed the story, but feel it could have been quite a bit more enjoyable.

I don't have much interest in erotic fiction that is so realistic as to sound like a documentary - I like over-the-top, crazy, fantasy material. So the basic concept here, and many of the plot elements, worked for me.

Much of the story, though, read almost like an outline. We did this. Then we did this.

Then this.

We didn't get any background, any insight into who these characters are and how they came to be playing such an over-the-top game with each other. We didn't get any view into the emotions of the characters as their lives are being totally destroyed. There was little sense of concern or push-back conveyed.

I have the sense that this story could have been much stronger if it were 2 to 3 times as long, and the additional material didn't add any new 'bets', just added insight into the characters and their thoughts/emotions. Add some dialog too.

I agree with the suggestion to pursue editorial assistance.

This is the worst of the worst. Its bad. Redo it. If I gave it a star it would be WAY to much.

They should have had the guy get fucked in the ass as well as the girl every day. Or made the guy suck the dicks before they fucked his girl. I would love make my husbean suck a dick before he watches someone els fuck my brains out. Mmmmmmm I'm get wet just thinking about it.

I applaud anyone who wishes to share their fantasy in print. You lack basic writing skills. If you choose to submit another story please submit your story to an editor for review

Excessive!

This story has potential, but it needs a complete re-write. Try re-doing the story and adding in details. Simple things like what the girls name is, her hair color, eye color, and her emotions and feelings can add tons to a story. Add in how she feels each time she is being fucked by the neighbor guy, Describe the guy in the story. Describe the neighbors, and give them all names. It would be easy to extend this story with so many details that you could have each night be a separate chapter and build up the story to the point the readers enjoy the story and don't have to use their own imaginations to fill in the details. Details and descriptions are key to a good story. Please re-write the story and add in more.

Ugh, Lacks character. Bad progression with the story. No details. No flavor. Tons of run-on sentences. Spelling errors. No clue how this story got by the editors.

I almost read this story a 100 times... This story is of my all time favorite stories

This Story Deserves a Much Higher Rating, Although the Sentences are improper but plot and plot lines are amazing, I wish you have continued it, But Still is this really a Great Story. Thanks