Precious Monster

Lily's small fingers moved quick now, rubbing in a circle. Ashe felt paralyzed; the world, she was certain, was crashing down around them. But she couldn't staunch the urge to thrash and churn or stifle at least the hard edge of her moans. She was coiled up like a spring and she couldn't hold it forever; the tension threatened to shake her to pieces.

Finally Lily's hand found the right spot. She pushed...and Ashe fell back, helpless, lost, weak, screaming, struggling, blind. Her body was on fire; the pointed tips of each of her nipples tingled like lightning. Her hands balled into fists so tight they hurt. When she finished she found she was crying, and Lily wrapped her up in her arms, cradling Ashe's head against her chest, whispering:

"Shhhh. It's all right. It's all right."

Ashe cried. She slept. She woke. She cried then slept some more. Lily was already awake each time. All through the night, Lily never slept.

***

Lily's screams woke Ashe up..

Her arms were around the girl before she knew what was going on. Lily thrashed, hugging the sides of her head with her hands, screaming until her lips split. Ashe couldn't believe how loud she was. She thought her eardrums might burst.

Lily kicked the covers away and Ashe saw blood painting the sheets. Lily tried to rub it away with her hands but all she did was stain her fingers. Ashe took her by the wrists and shook her. "Stop, stop!"

The screams stopped instantly, like an alarm turned off with the push of a button. She remained brittle and tense, eyes wide, pupils shrunk.

"It's all right," Ashe said. "It's just your cycle. You should have told me you were close."

"Close to what?"

"Your time. It happens to everybody."

"It doesn't happen to me."

Ashe looked Lily in the eye. "Do you mean...you never menstruate?"

Lily shook her head.

"Do you even know what that word means?"

Another head shake. Then: "I want to go back to the clinic."

"There's nothing to be afraid of. Let me explain--"

"I want to goBACK!" The last word was so loud it made Ashe's skull ache.

"The clinic is hours away," Ashe said. "There's a closer hospital in Marin."

"The clinic," Lily said. She squeezed Ashe's hands; blood smeared both their fingers. "The clinic." Ashe heard her own heartbeat in her aching ears. It made her feel crushed and helpless.

"All right," she said. "If that's what you really want..."

***

The AD would not look at her for some time. Maybe he was waiting for her to say something. But she wouldn't let herself be trapped that way. Instead she waited.

The phone rang. The AD listened without saying anything. He looked at Ashe now. When he hung up he had to clear his throat twice before he could speak.

"Lily is fine," he said.

Ashe nodded. "I told her she was just menstruating, but--"

"She doesn't menstruate."

"Excuse me?"

"Never. Not once in the entire time she's been here. It's in the file. But it seems there were a lot of things in Lily's file that you never took the time to become familiar with."

"There were serious errors in it."

The AD leaned back in his chair a little. "The blood came from two self-inflicted wounds she made on her thigh. With a pair of nail clippers from off your nightstand."

Ashe blinked several times, trying to grasp what she'd been told. "She's never shown any self-abusive behavior before."

"And she didn't this time either. She did it so that you would bring her back here."

Panic. Ashe pushed it away.

"She told us some...alarming things, about her time in your care. Although you are not a doctor, you are still bound by certain basic ethical obligations when it comes to the patients here. Lily said that you took certain advantages of her. She said--"

He broke off. Then he swore under his breath. "Are you really going to make me drag this out? Just come clean and tell us everything that happened. It'll be easier." He looked very tired, and surprisingly sad.

Ashe considered her words carefully. "I'd like to see Lily."

"Not a chance."

"I'm her primary."

"Like hell you are. You're lucky we don't have you arrested."

"Did the director tell you that?"

The AD paused. "She's not in."

"Only the director can order me removed."

"She will."

"But until she does Lily is still my patient and you can't bar me from attending to her. So I want to see her. Right now."

The AD's ruddy face went pale. Ashe realized she had never seen him get angry until now. With stiff movements he picked up the phone, dialed a single number, and said, "The woman is coming down. Admit her." He turned his chair away when he hung up.

Everyone stared at Ashe as she walked down the halls. Or maybe it only seemed that way? They couldn't possibly all know, she told herself. She kept her eyes on her feet.

The room was not Lily's ordinary room: Monitors and medical equipment was stacked up on either side of her bed, but most of them didn't even seem to be turned on. There was, as always, a one-way mirror. Lily smiled at Ashe. "I'm feeling much better now," she said. "The bleeding stopped. I'm sorry if I worried you."

"That's...all right," Ashe said. She fumbled with the chair in the room. Her knees quaked even as she sat. Lily still smiled. It pierced Ashe's heart. "Lily," she said, "did you tell them..."

The words wouldn't come. She licked her lips and tried something else:

"I think this is goodbye. I think I'm not going to be your doctor anymore."

Lily's smile flickered. "Of course."

"Not because I want to," Ashe was quick to add. "They're making me go away."

Lily nodded. "Yes, I know. I'm sorry. It must be very hard for you."

Ashe nodded. Then she started to cry. The room blurred into a single blinding white smear. Lily touched her hand.

"Dr. Ashe...are you in love with me?"

Ashe nodded.

"Oh my. Do you love me more than anyone you've ever known?"

Another nod. Lily leaned in.

"Do you love me so much you could die?"

Ashe pushed the word from her mouth: "Yes."

She felt empty once it was out of her. Empty, and relieved, and ridden with grief. Lily became thoughtful for a moment. She closed her eyes and kept them closed, something Ashe had never seen her do. For a second the corners of her mouth twitched, though Ashe could not tell if she was about to smile or about to cry. Then, in a tiny, soft voice she said:

"Oh. Well. I guess you had better hurry up and do it then."

***

Lily's Diary, Day 114:

There was so much screaming today.

You would think the people here had never seen someone hang themselves before.

***

Lily's Diary, Final Entry:

I meet my new doctor today. He is a man.

I heard the director and the assistant director talking about him. They were behind the mirror, but they never realize that I can hear them when they are back there. The assistant director was very upset. He is still new. I think he liked Dr. Ashe a lot. He asked why they let it happen. The director said that it was the whole point. She said they had to keep studying me to find out why the people who love me always kill themselves. She said it started with my parents and it never stopped.

The assistant director said, "I don't understand. Does she make them do it?"

And the director said, "I don't know. I don't think even she knows."

The assistant director said, "How many more will it take?"

And the director said, "As many as it has to. Until we understand her."

I think it was a silly conversation.

Dr. Ashe must have loved me very much. And I think, at the end, she was very scared of me too. I will work hard to make my new doctor just as happy.

I do not know what I will do with this book now. I do not think that I should keep writing it in it now that Dr. Ashe is not my doctor anymore. Perhaps I will have them bury it with her. That way, she will have something to remember me by.