Reality TV

It had become his routine to begin each morning with a trip to the medicine cabinet for his daily dose of premarin. There were only three pills left in the bottle, which brought home to him the wild ride that he had been through, and the enormous changes that lay ahead for him.

Becca had been right. What started as a game had turned into much more. Jan had always been honest with himself, which was one of the reasons he had gone for Hap's crazy idea when it became clear that his acting career was heading south. Now, as he surveyed his naked body in the bathroom mirror, he contemplated what he had done to himself. Slowly but surely, he was turning himself into a girl.

It wasn't just the hormones. His voice, his gestures, even the way he thought were becoming more and more feminine. He knew that he was dangerously close to the point of no return, and it scared him that he even considered the possibility. Scared him because, deep down inside, he knew that Becca was right. He was enjoying this way too much.

How else to explain the thrill he had experienced yesterday during another shopping trip on the network to select his outfits for the rest of the show? It was only to a shopping center in Santa Monica, but the cheers and encouragement he had received from the people passing by were astonishing. "You go girl!" from the women, and "I love you!" from the men. Jan was blushing by the time he got to Talbot's, and he lingered with the salesgirls, gossiping about Jason and the other girls on the show. They made him try on dress after dress, complementing him on how sensational he looked as they searched for just the right one. When he finally left, laden down with packages, they gave him a standing ovation, clutching the autographs which he had written for them in a girlish hand.

One of his new outfits was laid out on the bed for him to wear that morning. He was going to meet with Hap to rehearse their plans for the upcoming meeting with Jason. Jan knew that the event would be a farce. In fact, he was counting on it. Something drastic would have to happen to throw his romance with Jason off the rails before it was too late. The spectacle of Hap Arnhold masquerading as his mother was just the thing.

Jan shampooed his hair and shaved his legs and underarms in the shower. He no longer needed to shave his face, another sign of his advancing femininity. After blow-drying his hair, he experimented to see if it was finally long enough to pull back into a ponytail. It was just the right length, so he fastened it with a scrunchie and tucked a few loose strands away with bobby pins.

Jan hadn't had an erection since his last night with Becca, another worrying side effect from the hormones. He tucked his limp penis easily between his legs and stepped into a pair of panties, noticing with concern that the gaffe was no longer necessary. He was even more alarmed when he put on his Wonder bra, which was completely filled out by his emerging breasts.

Back to the bathroom, where he studied his face in the makeup mirror on the vanity. His eyebrows needed a bit of tweezing, which he took care of quickly, and then he moisturized his skin before applying his makeup. He was using less and less these days, sometimes just a little eyeliner and lipstick, although this morning he took his time and experimented with a different eye shadow and mascara. He brushed some blusher over his foundation, and finished off with a pink shade of lip gloss. His new look was softer than before, and very pretty.

He returned to the bedroom and surveyed the new clothes he had laid out for himself. A simple wool dress, which would come just to his knees and tie in the back with a bow. A black slip with a froth of lace at the hem. Black skimmer flats and tights. All for an off-camera meeting with his agent. What in the world was happening to him?

As he sat on the edge of the bed and slowly eased the delicate tights up his smooth legs, he was hopelessly torn. "Get out of here! Take off these ridiculous clothes and get off those hormones before it's too late!" part of him was shouting. But another voice, a seductive one, was saying, "This is so much fun, and it feels so good! C'mon now, be honest. Don't you love it?" As Jan shimmied into his slip and zipped up his new dress, he knew which voice was winning, and it terrified him.

* * *

Becca's warm and wonderful family smothered Jason. Her mother gorged him with homemade pasta while her father kept his glass full of Chianti he'd made in the garage, and her four brothers one-upped each other with their knowledge of sports and rock groups. Becca sat with a stricken look on her face throughout the ordeal. By the time Jason finally escaped, he was totally exhausted

He had two old friends from college in Chicago, and he managed to slip away from his entourage to meet them at a sports bar on Clark Street. Unrecognizable in his Cubs hat and sunglasses, Jason slowly unwound as the guys caught him up on old times and ribbed him about his sudden notoriety.

"So who's it gonna be? The blonde or the brunette?" one of them asked.

"Come on, guys, I can't tell you that. It's in my contract."

"Hey, you can tell us. I bet it's the chick from Chicago. She's hot, man."

"My girlfriend tells me it's gonna be the blonde," the other one said. "She says you're like putty in her hands."

"Big step, bro," the first chimed in. "Which one of us gets to be the best man?"

"Get real. I'm not gonna marry anybody."

"Hey, time out. I thought that was the deal here. Aren't you supposed to propose to one of them?"

"Give me a break. That's just show business, guys." He said it as if they were two rubes wandering around Beverly Hills with maps, looking for the homes of the stars.

"I don't get it," one of them persisted. "Those are two great girls. Don't you want one of them?

"I'm a celebrity, dude. I can get any piece of ass in America."

"Then how are you gonna get out of this?"

"I'll flip a coin, give one of the broads a rose, take her out a few times, and then split. No big deal."

* * *

Jan's brief meeting with Hap reassured him that there was no way he was going to win the competition. One look at Jan's "mother" in her fright wig and garish makeup would send Jason screaming into the night.

Hap had managed to redecorate his small house off Laurel Canyon into domestic respectability, removing some of the more shocking artwork and hiding his live-in boyfriend at a friend's place for the duration. The same makeup artist who had presided over Jan's transformation, sworn once again to secrecy, had gone to work on Hap. The challenge had been to create a woman unrecognizable as Hap Arnhold, and in this he had succeeded beyond Hap's wildest expectations. The final product was a cross between Peg Bundy and Phyllis Diller on a bad hair day. At least Hap had shaved off his mustache.

Back at the Girls' House, Jan could tell from the look on Becca's face when she returned from Chicago that things had not gone well for her. Hesitantly, he knocked on her door, and when she opened it, it was obvious that she had been crying. She closed the door behind him and slumped down on the couch.

"You're in," she said. "My big fat Italian family blew it for me. All you gotta do is show up in a dress and pick up your rose."

Jan sat down beside her and started to laugh. Dressed in shorts and a baggy tee shirt, he looked like a girl, but it was a guy's laugh, deep and hearty.

"Go ahead, yuk it up, you twerp. Wait till Jason finds out you're really a guy. Or have you decided to go all the way with this?"

Jan was no longer laughing. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Becca, I'm really worried."

"About losing this thing, or winning it?"

"I'm not talking about the damn show. I'm worried about what's happening to me. What you said was true. I'm becoming more and more like a girl, to the point where I can't even remember what it was like to be a guy. I can feel my old life slipping away, and it scares the hell out of me."

"Is that what you really want?"

"I don't know what I want anymore." Now Jan started to cry, real tears, and Becca held him as he started to shake uncontrollably.

"It's okay, Jan, let it all out. Tell me how I can help you."

Jan knew the answer, but he was afraid to ask her. Not afraid of what she might say. Afraid of what he might find out.

"Come on, Jan, tell me. Please."

"It's not fair to you."

"You really are starting to think like a girl. Tell me what you want, dammit."

"I want you."

She leaned forward and kissed him, then she reached over and pulled off his tee shirt. Becca kissed him again, gently, while she started to unfasten his bra. As Jan responded to her, he thought he could feel himself becoming aroused. Miraculously, after months of estrogen therapy, his body still wanted hers, and as they played with each other's breasts, his manhood slowly stiffened. When he knew he was ready, he pushed her down and took her like a man.

They stayed in bed all afternoon, talking about anything but "The Bachelor". When Jan finally returned to his room, he washed the last of the premarin pills down the drain.

* * *

For slapstick comedy, nothing in the annals of network television can rival the madcap meeting between Jason and Jan's mother, Happy. As if there were a laugh track, one can actually hear the crews off camera breaking up as they tape the tumultuous segment. Jason's face is frozen in shock from start to finish.

Happy, dressed in black Capri pants and gold lamè slippers, greets Jan and Jason with bear hugs, her enormous breast forms wobbling inside her tight sweater. As she escorts Jason around her home, Jan can be seen holding his sides as Happy improvises about her daily routines as a stay-at-home mom. When they finally sit down to dinner, Happy gushes about Jan's girlhood, bragging about her daughter's prowess at ballet, figure skating, finger painting, ad nauseum. "Did you know that Jan sold more Girl Scout cookies than any Brownie in the history of Los Angeles? Imagine, competing against the children of the stars who sold cookies out of their limos! How I wish her dear father was here to see her now, bringing such a fine young man home for dinner. Another piece of fruit?"

Towards the end of the tape, as Jason backs towards the door, Happy tells him, "Don't believe what they say about daughters turning out like their mothers. My mother was a lovely woman, as delicate as the rose I just know you'll present to my precious Jan." Jason and Jan were speechless during the ride back in their limo. The network had to fill the rest of the episode with flashbacks to the early rounds of the competition.

* * *

The big day finally arrived. In order to minimize the possibility of a leak, the final rose ceremony was scheduled to take place a few hours before the episode aired on national television. There would be just enough time for the crew to edit the tape and tee it up for the network feed.

Jan was up early for a long jog before breakfast. Becca was nowhere to be seen. Jan had a quick bite in his shorts and sports bra before returning to his room to change, for the last time, into America's sweetheart. The tabloids were full of pictures of Jan and Becca, the popular consensus being that Jan had won Jason's heart on the Silver Bonito. Las Vegas odds makers favored Jan over Becca by 2-1, and office pools around the country gave him a clear edge.

Somehow the knowledge that this was the last time he would ever do this gave Jan bittersweet feelings as he put on his makeup. His blonde hair was long enough now to pin up, and he tied it into a French braid with the help of a few tips Becca had given him the night before. They were inseparable again, a strange combination of lovers and girlfriends, at least until the show ended. When Jan reported the calamity with his bogus mother, Becca had laughed until tears rolled down her cheeks, and when they made love that night, Jan knew that it would probably be for the last time. Tomorrow she would belong to Jason.

He took his time putting on his lingerie and stockings, savoring the sensations one last time. After he put on his dress and heels, he studied himself in the mirror as he reflected on the past few months. The girl looking back at him was a national celebrity now, admired and adored all over the country. He was going to miss her, but not as much as he had missed himself. In a few hours he was going to be Mr. Jan Peterson again, and he couldn't wait for it to happen.

* * *

Two separate limousines were waiting to take Becca and Jan to their reckoning with Jason in Palos Verdes. When Jan climbed into his, he found Andrea Messenger sitting on the long settee.

"I've got to hand it to you, Jan," she said. "You've had a heck of a run."

"Sounds like you think my number is up."

"To be frank, I hope so. God knows how the country will react if you get the rose, let alone poor Jason."

"He's a big boy. And don't tell me you're really concerned about him. If you were, you would never have let it get this far."

"Maybe not. I don't think any of us expected you to make it this far, Jan. The question now is, how are we going to finish this."

"Isn't it up to Jason? Or have you already tipped him off?"

"Believe me, if it were up to me, we'd have already done it. But the powers that be are convinced that it would look worse for us if we rigged this fiasco. All we can do now is try to keep things from spinning out of control."

"What does that mean?"

"It means this: if Jason chooses Becca, you're going to go quietly into the night. The identity of the mystery man will be revealed at the very end of the broadcast, after Jason and Becca are safely on their way to paradise."

"And if he chooses me?"

"Then you're going to hand him back the rose, tell him you're really a guy, and get the hell off the stage."

"Yikes! What happens to me?"

"You get a nice check and thanks for the memories."

"How about Jason?"

"Like you said, he's a big boy."

* * *

Jan was shaking when the crew led him to a gazebo on the mansion grounds overlooking the Pacific Ocean. When Jason suddenly appeared, he had a sad smile on his face, and he started right in on his consolation speech. "Jan, you are an amazing woman, and this has been the hardest decision I ever had to make." Jan tuned Jason out as he rambled on with his memorized spiel, relieved beyond words that the ordeal was finally over.

When Jason was through, Jan kissed him on the cheek and left in a hurry. If the viewers thought he was heartbroken, so much the better. It would amplify the shock when his identity was exposed at the end of the show.

The drill was for Jan to speed off in his limousine before Jason handed Becca her rose, but for some reason he felt like sticking around. When the network staffers tried to urge him into the car, he backed them off with a few tart words. After all, he was still a celebrity, and they acquiesced when he told them he needed to get some air before heading back to the compound.

Meanwhile, Becca was waiting at the gazebo for Jason to make his entrance. When they kept her waiting for Jason to talk to Jan, she knew she must have won, and her emotions were a jumble of excitement, relief, and genuine happiness.

Then Jason materialized with a rose in his hand, and she waited for him to tell her why he chose her. But as she listened to his well-rehearsed speech, professing his eternal love and devotion, it was clear to her that he hadn't even written it. He was reciting it like a catechism, empty words spoken with feigned emotion by a bad actor.

As he neared the climax of his canned proposal, Jason got down on one knee, and Becca caught something out of the corner of her eye, moving in the distance over Jason's shoulder. It was Jan, walking slowly around the grounds, looking up at her in despair. Suddenly Becca knew what she had to do.

"What a crock," she said.

Jason stopped in mid-sentence, stunned. Andrea Messenger, standing beside one of the camera crews, looked like she might have a stroke at any moment. The silence was deafening.

"What did you say?" Jason finally asked. He looked helplessly over at Andrea. This was not in the script.

"I said, 'What a crock.' Get off the ground."

Jason stood up uncertainly and managed to ask, "What's going on?"

"I'm dumping you, Jason. You don't love me. And you know it."

Jason turned on her with sudden fury. "Screw you. I really wanted Jan anyway."

"Oh yeah? Well, get this: Jan is the guy."

"What?"

"She's a guy, you idiot! Your dream girl is a guy. And you're not getting him, because he's mine."

With that, she threw down her rose and started running across the lawn towards Jan, who was watching it all in disbelief. When he realized what was happening, he started running towards Becca, and when he caught her in mid-stride, he lifted her off the ground, spinning her around and around as he hugged her and kissed her. The cameras kept rolling as they raced across the lawn to Jan's limousine and scrambled inside. Jason stood rooted to the ground as they squealed down the driveway and disappeared.

* * *

LOS ANGELES: Last night's episode of "The Bachelor" was the most watched program in television history, according to data released by Nielsen analysts. The surprise finale, in which the winning contestant ran off with the runner-up, is reported to have enraged the program's sponsors, who have been besieged by complaints from around the country. Hollywood agent Hap Arnhold confirmed that Jan Peterson, the out-of-work actor who disguised himself as a woman to get into the series, has been swamped with movie and television offers. Andrea Messenger, executive producer of "The Bachelor", was not available for comment, and she is believed to have resigned from the network for personal reasons.

* * *

One year later, Jan and a very pregnant Becca were enjoying a late Sunday breakfast beside the pool at their Beverly Hills estate. "Wow," Becca said, looking up from the book section of the Los Angeles Times. "Andrea Messenger's tell-all book about 'The Bachelor' is number one on the best seller list."

Jan put down the script he was reading and poured himself another cup of Kona coffee. "Good for her. How are my girls feeling this morning?"

Becca glowed with contentment. "I feel wonderful, and I'm sure your future daughter enjoyed the surprise visit from her Daddy last night."

"I just find you incredibly beautiful this way."

"Better get used to it. We're going to have a big Italian family."

"Believe me, it's going to be my pleasure keeping you pregnant."

"I knew you were a stud when you were able to get it up on estrogen." She laughed when he swatted her with the script. "What are you reading?"

Jan ran his fingers through his short blonde hair. "Hap sent me the screenplay for 'The Jessica Project'. You know, the story about an assassin who has to go undercover as a girl."

"I loved that book. You'd be perfect as Jessica."

"I don't know. I'm afraid of getting type-cast."

"It would be fun seeing you as a girl again. You can wear my clothes for the screen test. Can I help with your makeup?"

"Better watch it. Jason might come looking for me."

"According to this book review, he's working as a bartender somewhere in the Valley."

Jan reached back for the sweet voice that was destined to win him his first Academy Award. "Serves him right for dumping me."