Reunion

I was about to cry and I didn't want to wake Dan and have him ask what was wrong. I quietly got up and went to the kitchen and cried. How could I have done that? How could I have even thought that I needed to have sex with Bruce? That I actually thought it was therapeutic. What kind of twisted logic was that? I felt so guilty.

What should I do? Should I tell him what I did and hope he'll understand? What if he doesn't? What if he divorces me and takes the kids? I couldn't lose him or the kids. I couldn't handle that, it would kill me. I couldn't take the chance. I decided not to say anything. I decided to see a therapist and get some help. I had to understand why I did it so I could be the best wife I could for Dan. I truly loved him and only him.

The next day I made an appointment and started seeing the therapist. Dan was very happy and very supportive. The therapist helped me to realize that I had self esteem problems. I had become too absorbed in my physical appearance and getting older. To me, 40 was the defining age between youth and old age. That was just silly. I had tied my own self worth to my appearance. I had let that define me. And my GYN problems and the hysterectomy further lowered my worth as a woman. There was much more to me than that. I finally understood what Dan and even Bruce had been trying to tell me.

I still had to come to terms with my adultery. My therapist wouldn't tell me what to do. She said I had to figure that out. In the end, I decided not to tell Dan. We were getting along great and I just didn't see how confessing could be beneficial to our marriage. Instead, I committed myself to being the best wife and mother I could. And after about 6 or 7 years, I stopped thinking about it. I put it completely out of my mind and hadn't thought about it at all, until now.

Now what? I was still very hurt and upset about Dan cheating on me. But somehow, I thought my infidelity was worse. We both cheated, but I hid it from him for 12 years. I wish I had my revelation before I went to Rhonda's room and pounded on the door. I might've decided that this made us even and let it go. But I didn't.

I guess I had several options. I could play the wounded wife and extract endless punishment, holding this over his head forever. I could tell him how much he hurt me and after a short time, forgive him and drop it forever. Or, I could tell him what I did 12 years ago and hope he'll will forgive me. Some choices. I knew I couldn't do the first. If I forgave him and let it go, I know Dan would live with that guilt for a long time. That would be so hypocritical. The right thing to do was to tell him everything. I hoped that his infidelity would partially offset mine and in time we could forgive each other. That's what I had to do. I felt a little better after making my decision. I was physically and emotionally exhausted and went to sleep.

I didn't wake up until 10am. I took a shower and got in my gym clothes. I turned on my phone and there were at least two-dozen missed calls and voicemails. In the first, Dan was telling me how sorry he was and to please call him and come home. The rest were basically the same, but he became increasingly distraught with each call. In the last on, he was crying hysterically and I could barely understand him. He was begging and pleading for me to call. I ended the messages and cried.

Finally, I called the house and he answered on the first ring. He started apologizing, begging me to come home. I finally got him to calm down and told him I spent the night in a hotel. I was going to get something to eat and would be home around 1pm. I told him to eat something and make some tea or coffee. We had a lot to talk about. He thanked me.

When I walked in, Dan ran and hugged me, telling me he was sorry, begging me not to leave him. We both were crying and holding each other tightly. We finally calmed down and I told him I wanted to change before we started.

When I got back, he was sitting at the kitchen table and poured us each a glass of tea. I took a sip and looked at him. He hung his head in shame. I finally said, "Dan, look at me. You can't imagine how much you've hurt me. When I came to tell you I had to leave, I wondered who that woman was. She was entirely too flirtatious, laughing, giggling, touching you. And you just ate it up. And when you introduced me to Rhonda and she said she tried unsuccessfully to date you, I knew she was trouble. When we left, I told you to be careful and watch out for her, but you just laughed it off. How long after I left were you back with her?"

He said, "After you left, I went to get something to eat and she found me there. She fixed a plate and joined me. We ate and talked. Then the DJ started playing music and she pulled me to the dance floor. We danced a few songs then got a drink and sat down to talk. It wasn't long before she started really coming on to me. She told me how good I looked, that I hadn't changed a bit. She told me her biggest regret was letting me get away. I'm sorry, I fell for it. Before I knew what was happening, she invited me to her room and I went."

He sat there with his hands over his face. I asked, "What did you do? Did you have sex with her?" He just nodded. I said, "Tell me about it."

He said, "We started kissing and fondling each other as we got undressed. We got on the bed and she started sucking me and didn't stop until I came in her mouth. Then she pulled me to her pussy and I licked her until she came.

I asked, "Is her body nicer than mine? Did she suck you better than I do?"

He said, "No. Her body isn't as nice as yours. Her tits sag and she's more than a few pounds over weight. Your oral talents are far superior. I guess her only plus was that she swallowed."

I asked, "Did you give her an orgasm?" He nodded. I wasn't surprised. Dan knows how to eat pussy. "What happened next?"

We rested for about 10 minutes and she licked and sucked me until I had an erection. She put a condom on me and got on top. We fucked for a while then she got on all 4s and told me to fuck her from behind. I did and about 5 minutes later we came. We laid down and it wasn't 5 minutes before you called me."

I asked, "Was she a better lover than me? Was she tighter? Does she have any special techniques?"

He replied, "No, she's nothing special at all."

I said, "So, you're telling me that she was in no way as good as me? I guess that's nice to know. Do you love her?"

He said, "No! Absolutely not."

I asked," Are you tired of me? Do you want to experiment with other women? Have you cheated on me before?"

He said, "No never. This was the only time, I swear. I'm not interested in other women."

I shouted, "Then WHY did you do it?"

He said, "I guess it was several things. I had a few too many drinks without eating, but that's no excuse. I knew what was happening. After you left I thought about Rhonda and what happened in High School. In my junior year I was a late bloomer. I was short, hadn't filled out and had a bad case of acne. But I had a major crush on Rhonda. She was pretty and popular. I finally got up the nerve to ask her out and she turned me down. She wasn't mean or nasty. She just said she didn't think we would be good together. We were too different. I knew exactly what she meant. I was crushed.

"By the time senior year rolled around, I had changed. I had my growth spurt and filled out nicely. I had no problem getting dates and began dating Sally regularly. I guess Rhonda noticed me and tried to get me to ask her out. I thought about it, but realized how shallow she was. When I was a nerd, she wasn't interested in me but now she was. I turned her down exactly the same way she did me. I wasn't mean, I just told her I didn't think it would work. We were too different. I guess she remembered what she did and just told me she was sorry and it was too bad. I had forgotten all about her until that night.

"Like I said, when I got back I got something to eat and she found me. We ate and talked and danced. We got a drink and she started complementing me again. I decided to get back at her by telling her how good a wife and lover you are. I bragged about our kids and how successful our careers and our life was. I guess I was trying to hurt her and make her see what passed up.

"I'm not sure exactly what happened next. She started apologizing to me about how she treated me in high school. She said she really did like me but she just couldn't see herself with me. She knew it wasn't right, but at that time, that's just the way it was. She was almost in tears.

"Then she really poured it on. She said she knew she had missed her chance and deeply regretted it. She knew I loved you and we had a great marriage and family. All this time she was holding my hand and stroking my arm. She told me again how sexy and attractive I was and that she wished that things could've been different. That she wished there was something she could do to make it up to me, to make it right.

"I couldn't believe it. She had turned the tables on me. I was flattered, I was excited, I was erect. It felt great that another woman found me sexually desirable. She moved her hand to my lap and felt my erection. She softly rubbed me and told me she was staying here at the hotel. She told me we could go to her room and she would try to make it up to me. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't resist. I followed her to her room. I guess I had a momentary lapse of reason. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. Can you ever forgive me?"

I sat there a minute thinking. Basically, he had the same insecurities I had. Of course I was going to forgive him. The real question was would he forgive me after he hears my story?

I said, "Dan, you've hurt me more than anyone ever has. You broke my trust and that's something that doesn't get fixed overnight. But believe me, I can understand how it happened. Yes, I forgive you."

He immediately came and took me in his arms, crying and thanking me. He repeatedly told me how sorry he was and that it would never happen again. I held him until he calmed down. Then I said, "There's one condition."

He said, "I doesn't matter, I agree."

I said, "You may not after I tell you what it is."

He thought a second, then got a worried look on his face and said, "Please don't tell me you want revenge. Please don't tell me you're going to fuck another man to teach me a lesson and get even."

I said, "No, not exactly." He was getting very upset and I finally said, "My condition is that you forgive me."

He looked puzzled and said, "Me forgive you? For what? I don't understand."

I finally said, "Dan, about 12 years ago, I cheated on you. I had a one time affair." I looked at him and I could see the pain register on his face as he stared in disbelief. I waited for him to say something, but he just sat there. I finally said, "Dan, are you OK?"

He shot back, "Hell no, I'm not OK. I just found out my wife cheated on me and kept it a secret for 12 fucking years. How do you expect me to feel?"

I said, "I expect you feel a lot like I did when I found you cheating on me, except for the compounding effect of my secret."

He thought and seemed to calm down a bit then said, "I hope you don't think this makes us even. We both cheated, but you did it first. And you kept it a secret for 12 years."

I said, "You may be right. But let me ask you a question and I'd like an honest answer. OK?" He nodded. "If I hadn't found out, would you have told me?"

He started to say something, then stopped. Finally he said, "I'd like to think I would. But honestly, I probably wouldn't. I probably would've kept quiet and lived with the guilt. That might've been the worst punishment of all. If you ever called me on it later, I don't think I would lie. I'd tell you the truth. But, not until then. I'd probably do the same thing you did."

We sat in silence for a few minutes. Then he said, "Tell me when and how it happened?"

I said, "First, you have to remember my state of mind at the time. I was struggling with my fear of becoming 40, my female problems and my hysterectomy. All that made me feel inadequate and less of a woman. And even though you kept reassuring me, I just couldn't accept it. I refused to see a therapist and just asked for more time, which you gave me."

Then I told him about running in to Bruce, taking the afternoon off and talking and drinking with him at the bar. I told him about Bruce having a crush on me and telling me I was beautiful in many ways. I was flattered but told him he was wrong. "But when he told me to stop selling myself short, something clicked. I thought that maybe he was right. Maybe I was beautiful and desirable. I knew you'd been telling me that the whole time, but you loved me and couldn't really be objective. Then he asked if I wanted to pretend we were single for a few hours. I knew it was wrong, but I had to. I had to see if what he said was true. Then we both took off our wedding rings and I followed him to his hotel."

Dan said, "Unbelievable. You wouldn't believe me. You wouldn't let me help you. You had to go fuck another man so you could feel like a woman." I dropped my head in shame. "After you got to his hotel what happened, as if I didn't know?"

I said, "He undressed me and ate my pussy until I came."

"How was it? Did you enjoy it? Was he better than me?"

"I enjoyed it, but he wasn't any better at it than you." He motioned for me to continue. I said, "I undressed him. I took him in my mouth and licked and sucked him. I let him cum in my mouth but didn't' swallow. I spit it out, just like I do you."

He asked, "Did he enjoy it? Did he tell you what a great cocksucker you were? Did it make you feel like a WHOLE woman?" I just nodded and tears ran down my cheeks.

He said, "Then I guess you fucked. Who initiated it, you or him?

I said, "I did. I sucked him until he was hard. Then he got on top of me and slowly entered me. I was afraid it would hurt, but it didn't. We stayed in the same position until we had our orgasms."

"How did you feel afterward? Did you feel guilty at all?"

I said, "I'm sorry, but I felt good. All my fears about myself were gone. I did feel bad about cheating on you but I told myself that my affair made me see what I had been doing to myself and to you. The guilt came later that night."

Then I told him about not being able to sleep because I was thinking about it and realizing what I did. Then I went in the kitchen to cried and decided to see a therapist. I told him about my decision to not tell you, keeping it a secret. And how, after 6-7 years, I put it out of my mind and completely forgot about it until now.

We sat in silence for a while, then he said, "Unbelievable. I tried so hard to help you but you wouldn't let me. We were drifting apart and I thought I was going to lose you. Then you went to therapy and over the next months, you began to change. Finally I had my Pam back. I had no clue." He said sarcastically, "I guess you never really know someone do you?"

I shot back, "I guess not. I never imagined you would cheat on me. Just like I'm sure you never thought I would cheat on you." We stared at each other and finally I said, "Dan, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you and I'm sure you never meant to hurt me. But we did. But we can't let this be the end of us. I love you and don't know what I'd do without you. We did the worst thing a spouse can do. We broke our vows of honesty and fidelity and severely damaged our trust in each other. We have to work to get those things back."

Dan seemed to be staring into space looking at nothing. He was totally disconnected from me. I said, "Dan? Please tell me what you're thinking."

He looked at me and said, "Everything, I'm thinking about everything. I feel so stupid and ashamed for letting myself get involved with Rhonda. I feel so bad about cheating on you. I'm devastated that I couldn't help you and you had to find what you needed with another man. Do you know how inadequate that makes me feel?"

I said, "Dan, you weren't inadequate in any way. It was all me. All my therapy boiled down to the fact that I always had low self esteem. It just blew up as I approached 40 and everything surrounding my hysterectomy. Those were things you had no control of. They were entirely my doing. When I was finally able to admit that, I started getting better. And believe me, I couldn't have done it without your love and understanding. I should've told you. If I had and you divorced me, we wouldn't even be talking about this. And if you forgave me, we would only be talking about your infidelity and if I would forgive you, which I do."

Dan thought for a minute asked "Why did you confess? What did you hope to accomplish by telling me after 12 years?

I said, " I didn't want you to feel like you were the only on who screwed up; that you fell off the pedestal and I was there looking down on you. That would've been so hypocritical. I thought you should know."

"You thought I should know? The time to have told me was 12 years ago when it happened, not now. Maybe you were trying to relieve your guilt? But since you've able to live with it for 12 fucking years and even said you hadn't even thought about it for 5 years, I don't think that's it. The only possible reason was to punish me. You wanted to show me exactly how it feels. Well, you certainly did that.

"Damn you. Why did you have to tell me? Why couldn't that be your punishment for what you did to me 12 years ago? You could've punished me some other way. But telling me now is absolutely cruel. You must really hate me."

I said, Dan. I don't hate you. I didn't tell you to punish you. I just thought you needed to know that I'm not perfect. That I made the same mistake you did. If I hated you, I wouldn't have forgiven you."

He asked, "You keep saying that. Exactly why do you forgive me? Is it because you know much I love you and how sorry I am for hurting you like this? Or is it because you think that by forgiving me, it'll make it easier for me to forgive you?"

I started to say something, but stopped. He was right. I guess I did think that we could forgive each other and our infidelities would cancel each other out. I said, "Dan, where do we go from here? What are we going to do?"

He said, "I don't honestly know. Right now, I can't tell you that I forgive you, because I don't. And if you think about it, you might not forgive me. I can't think any more, too much has happened. I'm going to pack a bag and go to a hotel for a while. I've got to get away and think this through."

I pleaded, "Dan, please don't leave. We need to work this out together."

He said, "No, I have to." He went to the bedroom and packed his travel bags. He came back and said, "I think we both should spend this time thinking about our marriage and if we want it to continue. And if so, how do we do it. Why don't we write each other a letter? That way we can tell each other exactly how we feel without being influenced by what each other says? And we need to be honest. Please don't call me unless it's a real emergency. I'll come home Saturday about 1pm. I think we'll be in a better frame of mind to take the next step, what ever that is." Then he left.

After the door closed, I started crying. I couldn't believe what had happened to us. I was very concerned about our marriage. I was afraid it was over.

It was a long week but finally, it was Saturday. Right at 1pm I heard the door open and Dan came in. I went to great him and we tentatively hugged each other. I asked where his bags were and he said "They're in my car. There's no sense unpacking until we decide what we're going to do. I cringed at his answer."

I poured us some tea and we sat at the kitchen table. Dan said, "First, I want to tell you that I had myself tested for STDs. As I thought, I'm clean. I know that just means I don't have anything now. But unless you have another confession to make, that means you're OK too. My Doctor said that since I used a condom, the chances of me having something were small. But, I have to go back in 3 months and get checked again. If there's nothing then, I'm probably OK. But for the record, I won't be having any type of sex with anyone until then."