Reunion

I said, "Thanks for telling me." We just sat there staring at our tea. I made the first move. I said, "I guess it's time." We exchanged letters and I said, "I'll go to the den to read mine. When you're through why don't you join me?" He nodded.

Dear Dan,

First I want to tell you that I'm so sorry for what I've done to you. Even though I was physically and emotionally ill, I shouldn't have done it. I should've tried harder. I know you tried to help me, but I wouldn't let you. And I should've told you about it after I got well. That was the right thing to have done and the right time to have done it. But I didn't. I was so afraid you would leave me and as fragile as I was then, I couldn't have handled it. Once I made that decision, I should never have brought it up again. You were right, that should've been my punishment for what I did to you. I should've taken it to my grave.

Dropping that bomb on you after 12 years was cruel. I really don't believe I intentionally meant to hurt and punish you, but that's exactly what I did. And I did feel guilty about it. I've lived all these years with the fear that you might some how find out. But I guess I was even more afraid to tell you.

But, as our marriage improved, I thought less and less about it. I know that sounds terrible, but after 6-7 years, I did stop thinking about it, until now. I'm sorry.

Now, as for your affair with Rhonda, I thought about it all week. And the more I thought, the madder I got. I thought we had a great marriage. You've always been so loving and understanding, especially with all the issues surrounding my hysterectomy. You were so patient. A lesser man would've given up and left me. That's what makes this so difficult to understand and accept.

There has to be some reason you gave in. You said it was a momentary lapse of reason. How do I know you won't have another lapse the next time some woman is nice to you and strokes your ego? Are you going to have sex with her too? I realized that even though I said I forgave you, I didn't. And I wasn't sure I ever could. I've lost my trust in you and honestly, my respect for you. If this was only about your infidelity, I'd be inclined to end this marriage. Because, I don't know how I could ever really trust and respect you like I did before. I felt so hypocritical for feeling this way, but that's the way I felt.

After I finished venting all my anger on you, I thought about things again. I realized that many of your feelings were very similar to what I experienced. The way Rhonda treated you in high school hurt your pride. At the Reunion, she started in on you about what she missed by rejecting you. You tried to hurt her by telling her how great your life was. I guess, in a way, you were trying to prove something to her. But even more, I think you were trying to prove something to yourself.

That's essentially what I did with my affair. While you didn't reject me, I felt that you were just telling me those things because I was your wife, not because you believed them. I thought I had to prove to myself that I was sexy and desirable, that I was a whole woman. You used Rhonda to validate yourself and I used Bruce.

That's when I realized it's not just about your infidelity. I was just as guilty as you. We both fell off the pedestal. I guess we're both damaged goods. When something is damaged, you either try to fix it, or throw it away. So I guess we have to decide if we want to try to fix our marriage or throw it away.

I've spent all week thinking about it. I don't want a divorce. I do still love you, but I can't forgive you yet. It's going to take time. You are going to have to earn my trust and respect, like I'll have to earn yours. We have 29 years invested in us and I think we owe it to ourselves to try to save it. We're both damaged, but I truly hope we can be fixed.

Love,

Pam

Dear Pam,

I'm not sure you really understand how much you've hurt me. When you started having your problems, you became a different person. You were always in a bad mood and snapped at the kids and me for no reason. Our sex life ended. You showed no concern for my feelings or needs.

Yet, even through all of it, I never stopped loving you and never even considered cheating on you. I knew you were sick, physically and emotionally.

When you finally agreed to counseling, I was so happy. Eventually you got past your problems and our lives returned to normal and we were happy again.

Now, 12 years later, you tell me that at the same time you withdrew from me sexually and emotionally, you willingly gave those things to another man. I was devastated, I was heart broken and then I was pissed. I was ready to file for divorce right then.

But when I calmed down, I realized that you were sick. You weren't the Pam I knew and loved all those years. I wish you'd told me 12 years ago, but I understand why you didn't. Like I told you, I wouldn't have told you if you hadn't caught me. So I can honestly tell you that I forgive you for what you did 12 years ago.

But there's still the issue of trust. I began to wonder it there had been other times, other men. I looked back over our marriage to see if there were any other times you behaved differently. I found none. Your words and actions, the way you've treated the kids and me, tell me that was the only time. Ever since then, you've been the Pam I've known and loved. That's when I realized that not only do I forgive you, I'm not afraid you will ever do it again. I trust you.

I know it's not that simple. We have a lot of work to do. Since there'll be no sex for 3 months, we'll have time to work on our marriage without that pressure.

I want to tell you again how sorry I am. I'm so ashamed of myself. The fact that I was flattered and excited was no excuse. I was just a stupid, selfish man, who let himself be taken in by someone who had no concern for me. Rhonda used me to satisfy her curiosity about what might've been and I let her.

I do hope you can forgive me and want to save our marriage. I do love you and can't imagine spending my life without you.

Love,

Dan

When I finished reading, I was almost in tears. Not only did he forgive me, but he still trusts me. I wasn't as understanding.

Dan walked in and sat on the couch. I said, "Dan, I'm glad you understand what I did and why. Not only do you forgive me, but you have regained your trust in me. I don't know what to say except thank you."

Dan just looked at me then said, "I'm glad you understand my situation with Rhonda, even though I was completely at fault. I told you I forgive and trust you. You tell me we're damaged and you can't forgive me now and have lost not only your trust in me, but your respect for me as well. You say that after all these years we owe it to ourselves to try to save our marriage, like it's an obligation. That's not exactly the ringing endorsement I was hoping for. I guess what I need to know is do you still love me? Do you think that you will ever be able to forgive and trust me again? Can you ever respect me again? If you honestly don't think you can, I guess it's over. We don't need to spend time pretending we can be fixed."

I said, "Dan I do still love you and I do want us to remain married. I don't want a divorce. I just need time. This is all too fresh. Can you understand?"

He sighed heavily and said, "I guess so. I have 12 years of history telling me it'll be OK. You have one week. What now?"

I said, "I want you get your bags out of your car. I want you home with me." I went to him and we hugged each other. He got his bags and headed up the stairs. I stopped him asking, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm not sure you want me in our bed. I thought I should stay in the guest room for a while."

I said, "Don't be ridiculous. Sleeping in separate rooms isn't going to help us. Neither is not making love for 3 months, but I understand the need for it. The best way to get past this is to try to resume our normal life."

At first things were very awkward. We felt funny about undressing in front of each other. Dan was hesitant to touch me and honestly, his first advances bothered me. He must've sensed it and backed off. I had to make the first move. But things gradually improved and we became more comfortable with each other. We talked and laughed like before and our affection for each other returned. Everything was getting back to normal.

In the beginning, the thought of sex with Dan frightened me but now I was looking forward to it. I couldn't wait for his 3-month check up. I hoped it would be the final piece of the puzzle to fix our marriage.

The 3-month period passed without either of us saying anything. After a week, I asked Dan if he had gone to the Doctor. He said he forgot and would make an appointment. Another week passed and I asked again. He said he was too busy with work and hadn't called. But he promised to do it tomorrow. After another week with no comment, I asked again. He started making more excuses. I stopped him saying, "Dan, stop it!. Why don't you want to get tested? Are you afraid you have a STD?"

He looked at me and I thought I saw tears in his eyes. He said, "No, I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I find out I'm OK."

I gave him a very puzzled look. He said, "We've been getting along so well. We're more open and honest with each other. We laughed and talked and snuggled and kissed. I think it's because we knew it wouldn't go any further. There's been no pressure for us to make love. After I find out I'm OK, there will be. But what if it doesn't work? What if it stirs feelings of resentment in you about what I did? What if it stirs those feelings in me? Then we're back to the beginning or worse."

I said, "Dan I understand, but we can't live the rest of our lives like this. We have to move forward. Whatever happens, happens and we'll deal with it. Please go get tested." He agreed.

The following week Dan came home and handed me a letter from his Doctor. It was his test results, he was OK. I said, "This is great news. Why don't we go out Saturday and celebrate?"

He said, "The fact that I cheated on you but didn't pick up a STD isn't really anything to celebrate. It shouldn't have happened in the first place."

I said, "I guess you're right. I'm just so glad you're OK. Why don't I fix a nice dinner here? If anything, we can celebrate the progress we've made. Then we can take it from there and see what happens." He said that was fine.

I spent Saturday making our favorite meal, lasagna. It was a recipe from my Mom. I didn't make it very often because it took forever, but I wanted tonight to be special for both of us. I baked an apple pie and bought vanilla ice cream for dessert. I set the table in the formal dining room, using our nicest china and silverware. I took my bath and fixed my hair and makeup. I put on one of my sexier dresses. It didn't exactly scream, 'Come fuck me', but pretty close.

Dan had spent the day working in the garage and taking care of the lawn. When he finished and came in, he said it sure smelled good. Then he saw me and said, "WOW! You look great. You're absolutely beautiful."

I said, "Thank you. I would hug and kiss you, but you're filthy. Go take your shower and dress nicely for dinner."

He went to the bathroom and I finished getting dinner ready. I lit candles and poured the wine. He came out in his best suit. He looked so handsome. I went to him and we hugged and kissed. I escorted him to the dining room. He said, "This looks great. Thanks for going to all this trouble, but I'm not sure I'm worth it."

I said, "Dan, yes you are." We sat down and ate. Everything was great, if I do say so myself. During dinner we talked and laughed and made several toasts to us. After we finished we went into the den and I put on some soft romantic music. We sat next to each other and drank our wine and listened to the music.

He said, "This was wonderful. It couldn't have been any better. Thank you for everything. But I'm still not sure I'm worth..." I stopped him by giving him a long deep kiss.

I pulled him up and said, "Dance with me." We danced all around the den like we did when we first got married. When the song ended, we held each other and kissed. Then I took his hand and led him to our bed.

I'd like to say that we made wild passionate love, the best ever. But it wasn't. In fact, from a purely physical perspective, it ranked near the bottom. I think we were both too nervous and tentative. But there was an emotional reconnection that was better than any physical act we ever did.

After we finished, we held each other and Dan said, "I'm so sorry for everything."

I said, "We both hurt each other and did something we deeply regret. You've gotten past what I did and forgiven me, but I've been unable to. It's time for me to do that as well. I honestly forgive you for what you did and you have earned my trust and respect. It's over. We need to close the book on this and look forward to spending the rest of our lives together." Dan couldn't stop thanking me. I knew we were going to be alright. Then I said, "Dan, please make love to me again." We did and this time, it was better than it's ever been.