tagReviews & EssaysRevenge of Porn Reviews

Revenge of Porn Reviews

byFlashlight7.5©

In this segment of reviews, I chose four films by mega-star Jenna Jameson. One can't deny Jenna's sexy eyes and all around cute nature (nor her tremendous fake cans), and her impact on the industry cannot be denied. However, I just don't think she's all that. I think it's because I keep waiting to see that one Jenna film that will blow me away. I haven't seen it in these four.

Cover to Cover from Wicked Pictures stars Jenna, Kaitlyn Ashley, Shelby Stevens, P.J. Sparxx, Jill Kelly, Kia, Morgan Le Fay, Brad Armstrong (who also directs), Mark Davis, and Jerry Pike. The premise is that Jenna plays a meek librarian who does nothing but wander around the library all day and gleam fantasies from different books. The opening credits of this film are too long and it finally opens with a Union soldier (Brad Armstrong) riding home to meet Jenna, who plays his wife. She's dressed in a gorgeous peach "Southern Belle" dress (and no panties). He tells her the war is over, and she screws him with joy for his return from the front. For just having returned from the war, he is in very good health and his sack is remarkably shaven. He also has a good hair cut for the time period. Oh well, this is Jenna's fantasy after all. Since it is, however, you'd think she'd imagine herself getting more than ten seconds of head from Brad. He, on the other hand, gets a great, wet, enthusiastic blowjob. They engage in some lackluster fucking while a sorrowful harmonica plays somewhere. There's a nice facial, but it's not enough to make up for the lame scene.

A book on Ferraris leads Jenna to imagine Jill Kelly and P.J. "adorable beyond measure" Sparxx fucking in and on this big red 1950's automobile with big bench seats. There is some good camerawork as P.J. gives some analingus to Jill, but Jill's painted-on eyebrows are somewhat disturbing. There's a brief interlude where Jenna imagines herself as a Western gunslinger (in a hot fetish outfit) who gets shot in the face by a drunk Mexican bandito.

A woman in the library (Morgan Le Fey; and no, not the sorceress) picks up a romance novel and imagines herself screwing a pirate captain (Mark Davis). Davis' long hair is not attractive. It's a drab scene, even with the anal action. The best scene in the film comes from Jenna reading a book on gambling. She, Kaitlyn Ashley (whose face resembles the face of a friend of mine so much that it would creep me out if it didn't make me so horny), Shelby Stevens, Brad Armstrong, and Jerry Pike are all playing poker. Jenna wins with four aces. Kaitlyn and Shelby must screw her to cover their debts. The guys watch as the three ladies tear it up on the large poker table. Shelby and Kaitlyn get some good dildo action (including a hot orgasm by Shelby onto Kaitlyn's face and dildo). Jenna hammers her mouth and Kaitlyn's puss with a double-ender while Brad watches, apparently thinking it's the coolest thing he's ever seen. Jenna gets some good pussy-eating from Kaitlyn, who is all too happy to dive into Jenna's cunt. Kaitlyn also gets a thick dildo for her ass. Afterwards, the guys whack off on Jenna's face (she apparently owed them money if they stick with the premise). Jerry flails his cock so much that it appears to be snapping in half several times.

Jenna, who can apparently read Japanese, flips through a Japanese book and imagines herself as a ninja with a strap-on fucking her ninja mistress (Kia) while a faceless ninja man helps out. Kia gives Jenna's cock lots of mouth love, but this scene ends before it builds any heat. This pissed me off, as it looked to be a hot scene in the making. The same thing happens in the next scene where Jenna the ballerina masturbates with a beaded necklace. Finally, Jenna imagines herself as a mob moll seducing a boxer (Jerry Pike) to throw a fight. The scene has two hot spots: Jenna sucks him through his silk boxers and a standing fuck with Jenna's legs around his waist.

The film is drab. It looks pretty, but they should've extended the "ninja scene" and made the "poker scene" a five-way after the girls did their thing.

Hard Evidence stars Jenna, Jeanna Fine, Vince Voyeur, Mike Horner, Missy, Channone, Peter North, Bobby Vitale, Brad Armstrong, Claudio, and Anthony Crane as "Detective Thomas." This is essentially a variation on Basic Instinct. The film opens with a bald guy dying of a heart attack while some shapely figure humps him on a lavish bed. The man's widow is Jeanna Fine. Vince Voyeur, partner to Detective Thomas (eating an ice cream bar), wishes to question her in her home (where the death took place). They find sex toys all over the bedroom, and a partially melted VHS tape in the fireplace. As a rule of thumb, never destroy crime scene evidence in your home. Take it elsewhere. Movie detectives always find it if you don't. Fine mentions how she and her deceased husband had an open marriage and brings up the great fact that the man has no wounds and there is no sign of murder. Detective Thomas (now eating the obligatory doughnut) manages to learn that Fine was "entertaining friends" that evening.

This entertaining entails fucking Peter North and Claudio. Pete gets lots of head while Claudio fucks her from behind. There's some great muffled moaning from Fine; and some nice double cock sucking, but this could've been a better scene. Vince is certain Fine's crooked, but the cops go to see the deceased's business partner – Mike Horner. Jenna plays his secretary. Horner and Voyeur are instantly at odds, and Vince's overacting is laughable. Jenna reveals that she met Horner at a sex club that was attended by the deceased. She doesn't like Horner. She just wants the legal experience to pass her BAR exam.

Enter a flashback sequence as Horner, the deceased, and Jenna watch a guy and a girl screw on a couch in the aforementioned club. Jenna joins in, participating in some nice double fellatio for this lucky fellow. He also gets to doggy screw Jenna while the other woman eats her pussy, which I'm sure would be a fun time. There's a little anal action for the other girl too.

Brad Armstong plays the police video technician, who has managed to get the image of a dark-haired woman leaving the crime scene. Vince brings in Ms. Fine for more questioning. She does her best Sharon Stone impression, and it's not too shabby. We also learn that either Fine is really tall or Vince is really short, because she towers over him. Vince then gives her a ride home and compromises the integrity of his investigation by fucking his main suspect. She nearly gags on his cock at one point of the face-fucking he gets from her. Fine watches herself in a mirror while he ass fucks her, and there's a lame cum-shot at the end. While he gets dressed, he does an illegal evidence search and grabs an envelope. His partner, rightfully so, is pissed at this turn of events.

Since we have nothing better to do, we cut back to Mike Horner interview Channone for a secretarial position. The interview consists of some hard finger fucking on the desk, wet head for Horner, hard doggie style action over the desk, and another lame cum-shot. The cops come to see Horner after all this. They claim he was screwing Fine. He claims she's "a lesbo."

The tape reveals Jenna to be the killer. Is this a surprise? Of course not. She's grilled at the station while Fine watches from the two-way mirror. Jenna asks for her lawyer, and then fantasizes about Fine banging her in the interrogation room. Jenna is blindfolded for such a short time that you wonder why Fine even bothered with it. Jenna takes three fingers in her puss while sad violins play in the background.

Vince comes back in to illegally question Jenna some more after she has invoked her Miranda rights. He reveals that she's obsesses with Fine and wanted her to herself. Jenna confesses. The end. If Jenna's character has even a halfway decent lawyer, she will skate.

Jenna Ink stars Jenna, Missy, Alex Dane, Kia, Felecia, Alex Sanders, Brad Armstrong, Sean Ryder, and Mickey G. This film was co-written by Jenna and Armstrong. Jenna co-produced, and Armstrong directed. This film is much like Cover to Cover, in that Jenna runs a tattoo parlor and derives sexual fantasies from the tattoos she inks onto people.

The first fantasy is of her as an angel fucking Alex Sanders. She is gorgeous in the angel outfit. He must be in heaven, because he gets far more head than her. I don't know about you, but if an angel looking like Jenna Jameson came down from heaven and wanted to screw me, I would make sure to give her plenty of head as thanks. They both enjoy the reverse cowgirl position, but the footage is recycled (which always pisses me off). He blows his load on her chin.

For running a tattoo parlor, Jenna's arms are strikingly free of ink. The next fantasy is of Missy as an Indian princess screwing Brad "the cowboy" Armstrong. Missy gets the pussy eating and analingus that Jenna missed, but Brad appears to have other things on his mind rather than his blowjob ("Is the lighting right?" "Which scene is next?" "Is Felecia on ecstasy again?"). I agree with his state of mind, it's a yawner of a scene.

Jenna is on a unicorn while Felecia and Alex Dane paw at her. The two ladies then bang her on a blanket, and the whole scene is shot with a fish eye lens. Why? Alex gives Jenna a good eating, and Felecia gets some good vibrator treatment from both ladies. Alex is left out, however.

Kia is then in an alley while dragon dancers move around her. She's then fucked by Sanders and Mickey "the queen" G. The only thing special about this scene is the gooey double facial at the end.

Finally, Jenna is in an army bunker with Sean Ryder while bombs go off and the crew throws dirt on them. Fearing this may be her last mission; she decides to suck Ryder's balls before she catches a piece of shrapnel in her D-cups. Her false eyelashes are distracting, as is the constant fog machine. She loves the doggy style though! He puts her in the piledriver (which most female adult film stars hate, the woman is in a shoulder stand while the guy downward screws her), and there's an anal cumshot. He goes back for seconds (and who wouldn't?) with his cock and a vibrator. He unloads a facial.

It's another weak entry in the Jenna library. The worst part was that Jeanna Fine's name is on the box, but she is not in this film. Jeanna Fine fans beware!

Jenna's Revenge stars Jenna, Jill Kelly, Holly Body, Sindee Coxx, Johnny Black, Ruby Rapillon, Tony Tedeschi, Marc Davis, Brad Armstrong, Vince "Voyour" (apparently changing the spelling of his name), Eric Price, Jake Steed, Marc Wallace, and E.Z. Rider. This is another attempt by Jenna to make a sensual crime thriller, again with mixed results.

Jenna walks into a bar, tended by E.Z. Rider (who is always stuck in such roles). She chats up Armstrong and wants him to kill her husband, Tony Tedeschi (who needs to hit the gym). We cut to her blowing Tedeschi. It looks like great head and she jacks him off on her face. Jenna attempts to act upset, claiming Tedeschi beats her.

We go back to Tony, who introduces Eric Price to Jill Kelly (who looks great in this scene), claiming Jill will be Price's "tour guide" while he's in town. "What would you like to do first?" The answer is ass fucking. The camera cuts away just as she's reaching orgasm, however, which annoys the hell out of me.

Tedeschi comes home from a day at…somewhere. Jenna is bonkers and we learn that she's not taking her medication. She calls Armstrong, who demands twenty thousand dollars for the job. She then cries and cuts her hair, which I guess is supposed to make her look crazy. She drops off the money (driving her car with the "WICKED P" license plate and wearing her Entertainment Network ballcap) and returns home where Tony blindfolds her. He walks her out to the pool where they screw and Holly Body joins in to Jenna's surprise, but eventual delight. If I have learned anything from porn, it's that you should attempt to fix most marriage conflicts by first having a threesome. Jenna gives a weak protest, but shuts up when Tedeschi and Holly are tag-team eating her. Tony screws Holly, which pisses Jenna off. Jenna leaves, but Tony keeps on fuckin'! He gives a lame facial at the end.

Jenna meets with Armstong. They screw in the alley behind the bar, and he conveniently wears no underwear. She has fun in the doggy position and looks fantastic in it. She comes home to an angry husband. Tony had her followed! She later meets Armstrong again, now bruised from a Tony beating. Armstrong vows to kill him at a party at Jenna's house, and we soon learn the bruises are fakes!

Back at the bar, Marc Wallace and Jake Steed are tag-teaming Ruby Rapillon on a pool table. It's a boring filler scene. Jake looks like he's asleep until the double penetration starts. There's a nice money shot on Ruby's ass from Marc though.

An orgy has broken out at Jenna's party, but not much stands out apart from some anal fucking, a redhead screamer of a woman, a girl with wings tattooed on her back, and some snowballing between girls. The film ends with a standoff between Jenna, Brad, and Tony, and only one will survive!

I won't say whom, but look at the title and you can guess.

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