Revisiting My Past

I found my keys in my jacket pocket and my car in the emergency room parking lot. Like before, I didn't know who had the decency to get my car over to the hospital, but I silently thanked them. I wished I'd stayed home last night instead of going clubbing. I had wanted to have an enjoyable evening for a change and dance with a nice girl. Now I was paying the price for trying to protect that nice girl from an asshole. Hell, I don't know if it even worked and where the hell had Judy disappeared to, anyway? To add insult to injury, it was a bitch trying to drive home with two balloons for hands. Judy called my cell two hours later.

"Steve, are you all right? How are you feeling? After we got out of the police station we went to the emergency room but we couldn't find you. I am so sorry I got you involved. If it's any consolation, they're charging those three guys with assault and battery." It didn't make me feel better, but I was glad for the news.

When she took a breath I finally got a work in edgewise and asked, "Are you okay? They didn't hurt you, did they?"

"Steve, they were too busy with you, and then running from the bouncers to worry about me."

"That's good. Judy, I'd love to talk more, but I'm going to take a pain pill and get some sleep, it's been quite a night." One pill and a glass of water and I was out for almost eight hours.

I spent Sunday looking at what was left of my face and telling myself next time to not get in the middle. Just grab her ass and yank her out of there, that's what I should have done. I iced my hands and face on and off most of the day. By bedtime most of the swelling was down. At least I'd have a war story for Monday.

Hell, everyone knew about it before I even walked through the office door. People kept popping into my office all morning just to see what I looked like. Some of the guys laughed and asked what the other guy looked like. On the positive side I did get sympathy from most of the women. I was old news by eleven o'clock.

When I got home, the first thing I did was down another pain pill. I went over to my desk and flopped down in my chair to check my e-mails. I had five new ones. After deleting the first two, I saw one that made my heart skip a beat. I clicked on it.

"I just want to thank you for keeping my friend safe. When she told me what happened I almost died. I hope you're okay. Judy said that she plans on stopping by to see you tomorrow after work. She feels responsible and is bringing you a get-well basket, but don't tell her I told you. Maybe we can talk sometime. It's been a while and I have a few things I need to say to you." She signed it Angie. I read it twice more. I never read the last two e-mails.

It took me over an hour to respond. I kept writing, deleting, and rewriting my reply. I was in my fifth or sixth rewrite when I finally hit send. I must have stared at the screen for an hour hoping I'd get an immediate replay—I didn't get one. It took her two days, three hours, and seventeen minutes, not that I was keeping track.

"No date, just coffee, and I'll meet you at Starbucks Saturday at one thirty. I think you'll still remember what I look like so I won't tell you what I'll be wearing." That was a private little joke between us. Angie often changed her outfit, sometimes up to three times, before we went anywhere.

She looked good. Hell, she looked great. I was right on time, but she had beaten me and gotten a table by the door. She was playing with her iPhone when I walked in.

"Hi Angie, you're looking beautiful as always."

"Sorry I can't say the same about you. Does your face hurt as bad as it looks?"

"Not really. You take one of those little magic pills and you could walk through a brick wall and never feel a thing, but thanks for asking. You want to get a cup of coffee?" She nodded yes. I waked up the counter to place our order. Even from the counter I couldn't take my eyes off her.

"Steve, your eyes are going to pop out of your damn head if you don't stop staring. I haven't changed that much," Angie said when I returned to our table with our coffees.

"Didn't say you had, it's just been a long time"

"Eleven months, three days, and twelve hours, but that's only an estimate," she said, looking at her watch. I gave her a small smile because that's all my face could handle right now.

I thought we'd open up with a little casual conversation. It became apparent soon enough Angie had other ideas.

Angie looked at me and said in a stern voice, "Just because I'm here right now doesn't mean I have forgiven you. The only reason I'm here is because of Judy." I started to say something but she cut me off. "You've had your say, now it's my turn, so just shut-up and listen.

"Okay, but please, relax."

"Don't you tell me to relax! If it wasn't for the fact that you couldn't keep your pecker in your pants we wouldn't even be needing to have this conversation."

I started to say I'm sorry again, which proved to be another big mistake.

"Steve, one more word and I'm out of here. Now shut the hell up and listen to me for a change. You're just lucky I stopped my brothers Andy and Carl from permanently changing your face and manhood after what you did. You hurt me. Goddamn, you hurt me; especially after me giving you everything I had to give. I opened my heart, my body, and my soul, and you trashed them without any regard for what we had or for me. Steve, you told me you loved me and then you went out and cheated on me with some slut. Do you have any idea what that did to me?" I sat in stone silence listening; I had never seen Angie so angry. "I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me but I had more important things in my life to deal with. So don't think putting on that puppy dog face of yours and telling me you're sorry is going to cut it with me."

I don't think she even took a breath through the entire time she tore me a new asshole. She finally stopped, took a few sips of coffee and sat there staring at me.

"Well, aren't you going to say anything?"

"You told me not to say anything."

She smiled and then snickered. "That's the first sensible thing you've said in a hell of a long time. At least you're listening for a change."

We talked for almost another hour. She listened while I again basically repeated everything I'd told her in my last e-mail. She sat quietly without interrupting me until I started to get a little sappy. Looking at her watch she said she needed to leave.

"Can I see you again? How about dinner one night?"

"Steve, we're still in the talking stage and I'll be the one to decide if and when we move on from that point. I still don't trust you and just plain words won't cut it with me anymore."

"Then how can I show you I've changed if we don't see one another?" I didn't want to appear too needy, but I wanted at least a part of her life.

"If you're interested, I guess we can talk again. If you want to e-mail me, I'll reply, but I'll have to check my schedule to see when we can meet. My life is more complicated now than it ever has been and you're sure as hell not a part of it yet." I did get a kiss on the cheek, so it wasn't a total lost cause.

Over the next couple of weeks we e-mailed, talked on the phone, and started getting acquainted all over again. Believe it or not, she even initiated almost half of the e-mails. Then things went to shit again.

Thursday I was dining with an out of town client at one of the nicer restaurants in town. That's when I saw Angie walk in with some guy. He was tall and good looking, but most of all she looked fantastic, totally dressed to the nines. I couldn't take my eyes off her all through my meal. It was when we were just finishing dessert and coffee she finally noticed me. Our eyes met for a split second and that was all. I paid our check and dropped the client back at his hotel. I think I finally knew what her complication was.

I didn't call or e-mail her after that. I wanted to be with her, but I wasn't going to beg her to take me back, well, not anymore. I would let her deal with her 'complications' first. It took only three days.

"WHAT? You're not going to e-mail or call me anymore?" I thought long and hard before I responded. It wasn't going to be some quick smart-ass answer or that of a wimpy guy willing to do anything to get her back either.

"Let me know when you've worked out your complications." Short, sweet, and right to the point. I didn't have long to wait—she was on my doorstep the following night.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" she opened up with guns blazing. "The last time I looked, we weren't even a couple any longer, or did I miss something?"

"You're right, we aren't a couple anymore and you can go out with anyone you want, just not with me."

She snapped back at me. "I beg your pardon?"

"Angie, I want you back, I think I've made myself crystal clear on that point, but just you, not with a flock of other guys in the wings. We need to be exclusive if we're going to have any real shot of making it again." I wasn't backing down on this point.

"And what exactly is your definition of being exclusive? It seems the last time we had a slight difference of opinion." That last statement dripped with sarcasm and rightfully so.

"Just you and I, no one else."

"How about business dinners and lunches?"

"Neither you nor I can do anything about that, we'll just have to trust one another."

"Steve, I'm nowhere near the point of trusting you yet."

"I understand that, and I know it's going to take time, but if we're to go forward we need to be exclusive." I was digging in my heels on this point.

"I'm going to have to get back to you on that one." I could feel her slipping away.

"Angie I don't want to lose you again. Take all the time you need just let me know one way or another when you've worked out your complications." She gave me an ugly look but also a light kiss on the cheek before leaving.

"All right, that went well—not," I thought to myself.

Today was Wednesday and I figured I'd hear something back from her by at least Friday, but I didn't. Saturday I was going nuts sitting around waiting for her to call. David said that he was working but agreed to meet me at our favorite club when he finished.

I made sure I had my cell phone with me and even put it on vibrate so I wouldn't miss her call. I'd had two drinks when David finally showed up, beer in hand.

"I figured you'd be on the dance floor having yourself a good time. Why the hell are you just sitting at the table all alone?" David blasted into me

"Waiting for you and for Angie to call, if you must know," was my quick response.

"Dude, you do know she's here, don't you?" I just looked at him. "She's with that girl Judy, you know the one with the nice ass, and two others."

"Where? Show me."

We walked over to the far side of the dance floor and sure as hell, there they were, dancing with one another.

"Motherfucker," was the first thing that came to my mind.

"See, I told you. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance? You're not afraid of getting shot down are you?" I suppose I was.

I waited for another song to start before I could get up enough courage to make my move. I was walking over to her when I saw she was already dancing with some other guy. Shit, now what? I found myself standing in the middle of the dance floor feeling very foolish. I turned and went back to where I started.

"Steve, as soon as the song ends don't wait, get your ass over there and ask her." David lambasted into me about being so slow on the uptake.

I didn't wait until for the song to end. I worked my way around the edge of the dance floor and waited my turn, which never happened. It seemed Angie had a full dance card. Another guy was now monopolizing her time. I knew she had to have seen me by then standing there like a frigging idiot waiting my turn, I know Judy did. After the sixth or seventh song, I just said screw it and walked away. I told David I was out of there and headed for the front door.

"Steve, where the hell are you going?" I turned around, looked at Judy, and continued heading towards the door again. When she said, "Angie knows you're here," I stopped and turned around again.

"Then why in the hell is she playing these fucking games?" Judy stood there with her mouth open. "Tell her not to worry, I won't be bothering her anymore. I'm tired of paying the price for what I did." I think she called out my name once more but I was out the door by then. Time to move on with my life.

Sunday I ignored two e-mails and one call from Angie. "Now she wants to talk?" I deleted them all without even hearing what she had to say. I had fucked up. I admitted it to Angie and was willing to make amends, but I wasn't going to be made a fool of. Looks like Angie is the type that doesn't forgive or forget, so be it.

Monday sucked and Tuesday wasn't much better. My boss was on my ass for something I didn't get done for which I only had myself to blame, but that didn't make it any easier. I was in a foul mood by the time I got home, and to compound it, I had only one beer left in the refrigerator. I had just popped the top when I heard someone at the front door. Looking through the peephole, I shrugged my shoulders and opened the door.

"Judy, what do you want?"

"You won't return her e-mails or calls."

"So?"

"Angie's afraid she went too far this time."

"Judy, why are you here? Maybe a better question would be why in the hell isn't Angie?"

"She's afraid you wouldn't talk to her." She didn't look too comfortable being here herself.

"Screw this shit, just a second." I went back into my apartment, put my beer on the counter, and grabbed my key ring and jacket. "It's time to move this off dead center, we're going to see Angie." I waited for Judy to reply. When she didn't say anything, I continued. "I don't care if you call ahead and warn her, but she better be there when we arrive." I got in my car and followed Judy to Angie's parents' house.

It took fifteen minutes to make the usual ten-minute drive. I think Judy drove under the speed limit just to give Angie extra time, for what reason I didn't have a clue. She pulled up on the driveway and I parked in the street, just in case her brothers were there and I needed to beat a hasty retreat. Judy stood by her car while I walked up to the front door and rang the bell, twice. Her mother opened the door.

"Steve, this is a nice surprise, come on in," she welcomed me, stepping aside. "It's been too long, come in, make yourself at home."

"Thank you, Mrs. Thomas."

"How many times do I have to tell you, it's Carla," she hastily replied, with a full-tooth smile. "Mike will be sorry he missed you, he's at the Elk's lodge doing who knows what," she said, shaking her head. "I'll go get Angie for you." It seems like everyone was stalling for time. Finally Angie walked down the stairs.

"Hi, Steve. Judy said you two were on your way over here. Did I push it too far the other night?"

I walked over to her, pulled her into my arms and gave her a full mouth kiss. That shocked the hell out of her.

"Angie, no more games between us. I screwed up big time, I know it, and it will never happen again, I promise. I was a fool to let you get away. I want you back with me, but only if you want to be with me. I wasn't lying that night when I told you I loved you. I meant it then and if you give me a second chance I'll prove it to you all over again." I wasn't giving her a chance to speak until I got my whole say in. Still holding her I let out a sigh of relief.

"You done?"

"Yes, I think I've said it all." I still hung onto her.

"Honey, will Steve be staying for supper?" Angie's mom inquired, poking her head around the corner from the kitchen.

Angie turned her head towards the kitchen. "Give me a half an hour and I'll get back with you on that one." She turned back to me. "You can release me anytime you want, and don't worry I won't run away."

"Not until you tell me why. Why the games Saturday night?"

"Steve, I didn't even see you standing there at first. I was just dancing with whoever asked me. When I finally saw you, I don't know, maybe I wanted you to see that other guys found me attractive and wanted to be with me. Maybe I wanted to make you jealous, I don't know. But the next thing I knew you were gone and so was Judy. She told me later how angry you were. Believe it or not, I tried to catch you, but by the time I got there you were racing out of the parking lot like a wild man, and you know the rest. Can you forgive me for being a bitch?"

"There are way too many things we're both have to forgive each other for. How about we go back to where we were a year ago and start again?"

"I'd love to, but things are different now."

"I know that, I've grown up and I guess you also have. It'll be kind of like starting over." I was smiling now.

"It's a bit more complicated than that. I haven't been totally one hundred percent honest with you, and I don't know exactly how to bring it up."

"Angie, what happened in the past is done and over with. I'm not going to ask you what you've done this past year and I've already told you in detail what I have. It's all water over the dam."

"Well, it's not quite so easy in my case."

"Angie, if you've got something to say, just say it. I'm not going to bite your head off."

"Steve, don't be too sure."

I gave her my best stern look. "Look, I'm not going to let you go until you tell me, I've got all night."

"All right," she cleared her throat. "Maybe it might be easier to show you." She reached for my hand leading me up the stairs, down the hall and into her bedroom. "His name is Dwayne, after my grandfather." There in a crib sleeping was a light brown baby boy.

"I don't understand?" But the words how and when were really the first words that came to my mind.

"You do know, he's yours?" she said, now looking at me for some type of reaction. "I thought he'd be lighter skinned since my skin is more of a milk chocolate brown color and not very dark, and you're pretty damn white."

Turns out besides my cheating, her big hang up was that I was cheating on her with a good-looking white girl. She felt like I was indirectly telling her that she wasn't good enough for me, or so she thought. How very wrong she was.

"Steve, you were never going to find out. I was going to raise him by myself and give him the best life I could. I had to move back in with Mom and Dad because I still needed to work. I took a field position to get away from you. Hell, you would have known something was up the first time you saw me. I kept tabs on you for a little while and Judy was the one who told me you'd broken up with that slut."

"I don't understand, when?" I started to say. Then I remembered the last time we'd been intimate.

I saw Angie sigh and shrug her shoulders. "Guess my body clock was really off."

She listened as I went off on her for the next ten minutes. I was way beyond pissed at this point.

"Angie, what kind of asshole do you think I am? Did you really think I would have abandoned you? Don't you think I would have done the right thing?"

"Steve, think about it, I'd just caught you cheating on me. I was hurt and damn mad. I didn't even know about the baby for weeks after that night. By that time we were no longer a couple and I needed to make some hard decisions for the baby I was carrying, and for me. I didn't say I made all the right ones, it's just that I had to deal with what I was dealt."

For the next five minutes neither one of us said anything. I watched my son sleep allowing my brain to process what was going on.

"Whose name is on his birth certificate?"

"Only mine. Under father I listed unknown." I gave her an angry look. "I'm sorry but I wasn't going to strap you with a child you didn't want."