Scared Sara

I blushed remembering and wasn't sure how honest I should be about it. I peeked quickly at Lucien and saw that he was watching me but his eyes were unreadable.

"Don't laugh and I hope I can trust you enough not to tell anyone."

"I would never say or do anything to deliberately hurt you Sara. We've never been very close but I'd like to think we're friends."

"Thanks Lucien. Okey, I kissed you tonight because you looked so adorable and peaceful sleeping there. I've never noticed how good looking you were. When I touched your hair, it felt so silky and I couldn't resist kissing it."

"You think I'm good looking?" Lucien was smiling.

"Yes".

"I think you're drop dead gorgeous and sexy as hell!"

I couldn't help smiling at him when I heard that. "I'm not really a mean person, you know. The bitchy act is like a protective camouflage. Like you said, what man wouldn't want to kiss me and I'm sexy as hell" I grinned at him.

"Men see me as someone they'd like to have sex with and once they've had you, they throw you away like so much garbage. I've seen it happen all the time. And some women are jealous of my looks and the attention I get from men because of it. Even my intelligence is a threat to men's fragile ego. Very few people take the trouble to look beyond that. There's a lot more to me than just a sexy body or miss smarty pants you know! Why is it so hard for people to realize that?

"Sometimes I hear people talking behind my back, 'she's got everything! beauty, brains and I heard she's also rich. It's so not fair!' Well, I have news for them, having so called everything is not all its cut out to be. I would rather be plain than always having to deal with other people's envy and jealousy. I want to be genuinely liked for who I am inside." I actually felt relieved to be able to get it all out. I never realized how long I've bottled up my feelings.

"Sara, have you ever given people a chance to get to know you? Before they could, you've pushed them away. There are some decent people out there you know, you've just got to give them a chance."

"I guess, but how can you be sure they won't hurt you or let you down?" I answered.

"You can't, but that's life. If you're not even willing to take a chance, you might as well just curl up and die.

"You want to know something? I've always admired you. Not just your looks, which I also admire of course" Lucien grinned mischievously, "You're brilliant, you're daring and you never back down from a challenge, you just meet it head on and most of the time you win. Life's a challenge too. They'll be ups and downs and you'll get hurt. How you deal and triumph with whatever life throws at you, that's the true test of character."

"How did you get to be so wise Lucien?"

"Because I'm good." Lucien tried to imitate my cocky grin but it didn't quite come off.

I giggled. "I never knew you had a sense of humour!"

"That's because you never took the trouble to get to know me."

Lucien's remark sobered me up. That's true, I'd been so busy pushing people away that I was guilty of the same thing.

"I guess I deserved that."

"Hey, don't beat me up okay?"

I laughed. It felt good to be able to just talk and be myself without having to be defensive all the time.

I glanced at the clock, it was almost 3 o'clock in the morning. My earlier tiredness was catching up on me and I stretched and yawned.

"Its late, we should get to bed," I said.

"Okay," Lucien agreed enthusiastically with a big grin on his face.

I belatedly realized what I'd said. "No you lecher! Me in my bed and you in yours. Get out!"

"But my bed is so far away. I don't think I have the strength to walk all the way across campus. I might fall down in exhaustion before I reach there and get a chill from the night air. Then because of my weakened condition, the chill will turn to pneumonia and I'll die and you'll regret it!"

I was giggling uncontrollably by this time. I couldn't stop giggling, Lucien was such a joker!

Finally I sobered up and gasped, "Across campus?! Your room's just 3 blocks away!"

"Exactly, 3 blocks! Imagine how many steps I have to take?" Lucien was trying to look pathetic but not succeeding very well.

"Stop being ridiculous and go home Lucien!" I said smiling, trying to be serious.

"Okay, I'll go home... if you'll give me a kiss."

That sobered me up quickly. "Just go home Lucien."

Lucien got up from the sofa and walked towards me. He pulled me to my feet and held me close. "Why not Sara?" He was looking into my eyes while caressing my hair. He started nuzzling my cheek and neck.

"Lucien don't."

"Why not?" he repeated softly, licking my ear.

I had no answer and his caresses were raising goose bumps on my skin and I was getting wet again. Oh, why the hell not! I put my hands on his cheeks and pulled his mouth to mine. The kiss started out softly, tentative touches and nibbles, then I opened my mouth and his tongue swept in. It was a hungry kiss and I pushed myself closer to him.

We both parted reluctantly, breathing ragged. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight," he said huskily, grinding himself into me.

"Take a cold shower."

"You are a cruel woman Sara Danilov."

"But a practical one. Go home, take a cold shower and go to bed Lucien. Sweet dreams" I grinned evilly at him.

He groaned when he heard that last bit. "I'm going to pay you back for that one of these days."

I opened the front door and grinned at him, "Happy trying."

He leaned over and gave me a hot, hard kiss just before he stepped out the door. "To remember me by" he told me huskily.

I closed the door and leaned on it a moment. What have I got myself into? Lucien was delicious, no doubt about that, but he never mentioned love. Would I end up like Shari? No, I won't! No man was going to own or control me. Should this thing with Lucien go further, it will be on my terms!

With that thought, I went to bed. And dreamed of Lucien.

When I went to class on Monday and saw Lucien I didn't know how to act with him. I purposely took a seat far from him while I sorted out my thoughts, I'll deal with him after class.

While I was sorting out my books and notes, a guy came and sat beside me. I ignored him and continued with what I was doing. He suddenly pressed himself against me and whispered in my ear, "I missed you."

Startled, I looked up, straight into Lucien's twinkling blue eyes. He leaned forward and kissed me. I could feel the kids around us staring. "What are you doing?!" I hissed.

"Saying hello to my girl."

"Your girl?!" I sputtered. "I am not your girl, nor ever will be something you own!" My voice had risen and the other kids were turning round to look. "Get away from me Lucien or I'll hit you so hard you'll see stars!" I said in a low angry voice.

Lucien was looking bewildered. "Sara, wha--" and I hit him. I was so angry I didn't hold my punch just hit him so hard in the stomach he doubled over gasping. I quickly gathered my stuff and stalked to the other side of the lecture hall.

I could hear the other kids snickering and one guy actually called out, "Hey Neils, you got a death wish or something?"

"Settle down everyone," Professor Atkins called out.

All through class, my mind was in a whirl. His girl? Is that how he sees me now? Just because we enjoyed a few kisses, he now owns me? Damn you Lucien Neils, nobody owns Sara Danilov!

I rushed out quickly after class. I heard Lucien calling but I just went on walking. He caught up with me and grabbed my hand. Snatching my hand away I glared at him. The other kids were enjoying this little scene and I heard someone mutter, "One knuckle sandwich not enough for him?"

"Sara, what happened? What did I do wrong?" Lucien's eyes were pleading.

I didn't know what to say so I just went on glaring at him.

"Talk to me Sara. Please."

I didn't want to talk in the crowded hallway. I'm sure the other kids were straining to hear whatever might be said. "My class finishes at 4 today, come over to my place, we'll talk then," I muttered.

"I've got farm work till 6, I'll come after that."

The doorbell rang a little after 6 and I opened the door. Lucien stepped up and tried to take me into his arms, I pushed him away roughly.

"Come in and sit down Lucien," I said brusquely.

Helen came out of her bedroom then and saw Lucien. "This is a surprise. Are Barry and Mike with you?" she asked.

"No".

"Oh, what's up then?"

"I -- uh, I came to see Sara."

Helen looked inquiringly at me, her eyebrows raising in surprise. "I need to discuss something with Lucien." Grabbing his hand, I dragged him towards my room. I didn't want Helen to hear us, I wasn't prepared to answer her questions.

Closing my bedroom door, I pointed to a chair, "Sit Lucien."

"Yes ma'am. Woof" he answered cheekily.

My mouth was twitching but I suppressed the smile. I sat down on the bed and looked at him.

"What's with the 'my girl' thing this morning?"

"What's wrong with that?"

"When you say 'my' you're implying that you own me. When did this ownership happen? I don't recall being sold to you. In fact, hasn't slavery been abolished?"

"Of course I don't own you! Its just... we have something together don't we? After last Friday, I thought..."

"What exactly did you think happened last Friday?"

"I like you Sara, I like you a whole lot! I thought you like me too and we connected last Friday, didn't we?"

"Connected?" I raised an eyebrow. "You kissed me and I-- kissed you back. We didn't have sex, though I'm sure you're hoping we would get to that later..."

"Hell yes!" Lucien interrupted, grinning wickedly.

"We talked," I continued ignoring his interruption, "You gave me some sensible advice which I think I'll follow. I guess on a certain level you could say that we 'connected'. But where in all that did I say or even imply I was 'yours'? Or what we have is anything more than friendship?"

"If it was just friendship Sara, you wouldn't have kissed me back the way you did! Or are you like that with all your friends? Is all this 'don't touch me' business just an act? Like your bitchy act? Just who is the real Sara Danilov? The icy bitch or the wanton slut?"

I stood up and slapped him! The imprint of my fingers were red on his pale cheek.

"How dare you Lucien?!" I said in a low angry voice. "Who are you to pass judgment on me? You don't know or even understand me! You think because we've kissed a few times, you've become my soul mate?"

He stood up slowly and fingered his cheek. He advanced towards me and I backed away until my retreat was halted by the bed. "Stay away from me Lucien!"

"Or what? You're going to beat me up? Fine, go ahead. Beat me to a pulp, get it out of your system." He halted a foot away from me and spread his arms wide. His eyes were sparking with anger.

We glared at each other, neither one saying anything. I looked away first and slowly sat down on the bed.

"I think you'd better leave Lucien," I said quietly, looking down. "We have nothing more to say to each other. And as far as I'm concerned, Friday night never happened."

Lucien sat down on the bed and put his arm around me. I stiffened and tried to pull away but he tightened his hold. He gently turned my face to him. "Friday night happened Sara and I'm never going to forget it. It was the most beautiful night of my life with the most beautiful girl I've ever met. She was warm, passionate and intelligent with a keen sense of fun. I'd like to see her again. Do you know where I can find her?"

I stood and went to stand looking out the window, my back to him.

"She doesn't exist Lucien. You had a pleasant interlude with someone who lives only in your imagination. Forget her, she's never coming back."

Lucien came and put his arms around me, pulling me onto his chest. He feathered kisses along the sides of my cheek and forehead.

"She does exist Sara. She's there, somewhere inside you. Except you've locked her up and surrounded her with a jungle of thorns that no one can get through. You let her out last Friday, let her out again Sara. Let the world meet that beautiful girl."

"No. She's safer in her jungle of thorns."

"Safe? Life's not about being safe. It's about taking risk, grabbing it with both hands and living life to the fullest. If you don't take risks, how can you get the rewards?"

"Rewards? Is it worth the risk?"

"Damn right it's worth it, my beautiful Sara! I don't know what hurt you so bad and made you so afraid, but whatever it is, that's past. Let go of it, it can't hurt you anymore unless you let it. Enjoy the present and look forward to the future," ...with me Sara, Lucien said silently to himself.

Lucien went on holding me in his arms but I was stiff and unyielding and didn't lean back against him. I can't. I won't be able to survive what Shari went through!

"No Lucien. I can't, I'm sorry. Please leave. Friday did not happen, today did not happen. You and I are just classmates, that's all."

He slowly turned me around to face him and raised my chin up to look at him. His eyes were tortured and I could see he was holding back tears.

"Please give us a chance Sara. I can't promise you what the future may bring, but right here, right now, I love you, I've loved you from the moment I saw you. Whatever issues there may be between us, let's work through it together" Lucien's voice was pleading.

I put a hand to his cheek, the cheek I'd slapped earlier. "Lucien don't! How can you say you love me when you don't even know me? I don't even know myself sometimes. You don't want someone like me in your life. You're a wonderful guy, you deserve someone so much better."

"They don't make them any better than you."

"Physically maybe," I said with a sad smile. "Inside I'm a mess."

"Then let's untangle the mess together."

"No Lucien," my voice was firm. "I won't... I can't take the risk. Call me a coward, call me stupid, it doesn't matter. Just go and forget about me. Please go Lucien." I pushed him away and turned my back on him.

He put his arms on my shoulders and I stiffened. "Go away Lucien and leave me alone! I don't want you." His arms fell slowly to his sides and he turned and walked away from her.

He stopped just before he reached the door and turned around to stare at her stiff, unyielding back. He suddenly walked back, turned her around and kissed her. She stiffened at first and tried to push him away, then her body slowly relaxed and her arms crept up to his neck and pulled him close. She opened her mouth and his tongue swept in and mated with hers. They stayed locked in the passionate kiss for a long moment.

Slowly breaking apart, I looked into his eyes, dark with desire and love. "You're lying Sara. You do want me" Lucien said huskily, resting his forehead on mine. "But for now, we'll do this your way and I'll go. Don't think this is the end, though. When you're ready to give me a chance, I'll be waiting."

He walked slowly away from me and opened the door. Just before he stepped out, he turned around and said softly, "I love you Sara."

After the door closed, I listened to Lucien's steps walking away. When I was sure he had left the apartment, I sank down on the bed and cried.