All Comments on 'School with Tiffany Ch. 01'

You seem to write in the same manner that a person speaks while sharing a story. By that, I mean the rule of thumb is that while writing, you should use proper English and grammar. While speaking, those rules of grammar are often relaxed. You wrote this in that "relaxed" manner. Starting sentences with "Now, she did this..." or "Well, I wasn't expecting..." or "So, I told her...", and so on, is the style of story-telling you'd encounter if you were listening to somebody trying to tell you a story in a bar. If the person in question is a good story-teller, they can often get away with it. The problem is, if I were listening to you tell a story, I'd lose interest.

Try to spice it up a bit. You'd benefit from some editing, and you don't have to farm it out to someone else. Just go back through your story and find the lines that don't "have" to be there. Look for the lines, or entire paragraphs, that don't contribute anything to the rest of the story, and delete them. Find the spots where a reader's attention might wander, and insert whatever is needed to keep their attention. Look for those lapses in grammar, and take the appropriate action. (Having one or two might add a small bit of flavor, but if you see you're doing it A LOT, then STOP.)

This wasn't a horrible story, but it just didn't stand out in any positive way. And I'm not saying that to be insulting, but to offer an honest opinion so you can try to do better next time.

... you also need, definitely NEED, to proof read!!

For instance, make sure that when you intend to write she/her/we that is what you actually write. Sometimes you ended up with 'he' instead.

E.g. "He arms were on my shoulders as I bottomed out in her pussy."

"Now, I'm not a ladies man or anything, but I don't think that was something that a woman would normal bring up if she was thinking about it. " - Should that have been 'wasn't'?

Oh yes, another one that people frequently get wrong.

Lead - pronounced 'led' - is a soft, heavy, metal.

If you are wanting to talk about 'leading' someone then you would say that you 'led' them!!

Did this actually happen to you?