Service with a Smile

I was new to the village and expected to be treated like a stranger for a year or two. However, I found that idea was born of an urban myth. I was greeted quite well and in a very friendly fashion. I had move there to write, and liked the quiet pastoral days and the calm moonlit evenings. I began to make acquaintances in the village and to enjoy the company of the eccentrics who made up a majority of the population.

I noticed a big-boned horsey woman, or rather heard her bellowing her greetings through the main street while I was having a quiet pint.

"Who is that?" I asked the publican.

"Oh That!" He explained, that's one of the Tunney sisters. They live just outside the village. They run a riding school.

I didn't take much notice. I don't ride horses, although I have eaten one in France. Quite nice. What I didn't expect is to be forced to make their acquaintance a few days later when my Land Rover made expensive fatal sounding noises outside their cottage, and refused to go further. The big-boned one came out.

"Sounds expensive." She bellowed, and swished her riding crop as if she knew perfectly well how to make it move.

"I'm afraid it does,' I said, "Do you think I could use your telephone to call Cedric at the garage?"

She opened the gate and I followed her into the cottage where we were met by her opposite and sister, a diminutive fluttery woman in rather old-fashioned fussy clothing. She had a rather whispery voice. This pair was so unalike it startled me, to say the least. There were introductions. I used the telephone and Cedric said he couldn't get to it at once. I wasn't worried, I could walk home from here with no trouble at all. The sisters offered tea.

"You're the writer, who moved into the Major's former house this spring?"

"I am."

"Well, that's interesting. I've seen you about. Do you ride?"

"Er... no"

"Well, if you do want to have a go, we teach and breed horses here."

"Really, you breed horses? I didn't know this was such an extensive property."

"Finish your tea and I'll show you the place."

The large one of the pair was already out of the door while the diminutive one cleared the table. It was easy to see their roles in the household. I had to move along smartly to keep up. She strode along in her jodhpurs and boots and gave me a very efficient and thorough tour of the stables and arena that lay almost hidden behind the cottage. I gave the horses a wide berth. They're big, you know, and have enormous teeth and troublesome gastric problems.

We approached another building. Inside there was a large pleasant room with what looked like a set of parallel bars in the middle.

"Parallel bars?"

" No. No," she whooped with laughter, "This is where the mares are serviced."

I looked at the contraption. I knew the term for copulating horses, but I was at a bit of a loss to figure out how the bars worked.

"How..?" I gestured.

"Simple," she said, " The Mare is put between the bars, and the Stallion mounts her from behind, do you see?"

I hesitated. I knew perfectly well, but my imagination was providing me with rather erotic images. Horace, down there between my legs, twitched. She flicked glance at Horace, who twitched again.

"Look, its like this," she said, and walked over to the bars, stood between the bars and bent over. It was a startling sight. The jodhpurs were stretched tight over the muscular bottom.

"The mare is like this, you see, and the Stallion is led up behind her." She gestured behind her bottom. In a dream I walked to a point behind her and stood there an inch between us.

"Here?" I asked. It didn't sound like my voice at all.

Her voice came down a few decibels and she said, quite quietly,

"That's it, but closer."

I moved closer. Now to tell the truth, I was moving like an automaton. I knew perfectly well what I was doing, but seemed unable to stop. A tiny voice in my head said 'the world might call you eccentric after this, but you're in good company in this village.' Horace pressed up against her bum. Nothing moved. There was silence but for the buzzing of a few flies in the sunlight through the window. I didn't move, but stayed pressed to her bottom. Horace was knocking to get in.

She didn't say a word, but reached to her side and unzipped her jodhpurs and slid them and her knickers down. There it was, her smooth bare bum with a bush of hair sprouting out from between her legs. Long muscular legs, Horace pointed out. Then she arched her back and 'presented' herself to me. My brain clicked into gear.

"When in Rome..." I thought to myself. Dropped my pants and Horace leaped out. I swear he gave a whoop of triumph and darted into the bush. It had been a little while since I had serviced a mare and my natural reaction was to be vigorous and fierce. It was a very pleasant and unexpected pleasure. The mare, whose named I later learned was Madeleine, had her head very low between the bars and strained to raise her bottom to me.

At the finish she pulled her jodhpurs up.

"Well, there we are." She said, "You seem have got the idea splendidly."

I was just a little taken aback, but managed to adjust my clothing and follow her back into the house.

"Everything alright, dear?" Her sister asked.

"Oh! Yes! She said, I think we did very well for a beginner."

"No mishaps at all?" asked the fussy one, called Pippy, I learned later.

She looked at me and I gathered my wits as quickly as I could,

"No, none at all," I said.

"Splendid" She said.

There was an awkward pause, as I tried to think of some thing to say, but Madeleine was quicker than me.

"Well, shall we say next Wednesday, same time, tenish in the morning?"

"Er.. yes ," of course, I blurted, "Er..Thank you very much."

"My pleasure," beamed Madeleine. "Pippy will show you her quilts next time."

I suppose I got home, because that's where I was a few hours later.