All Comments on 'Silver Moon: A Change'

More please I like this story i cant wait to see where it goes

I almost squeed when I saw I got a comment... The worst part is I figured one of my girls would snicker at me... And both of them are adults...

I have my second chapter pending review and working on my third chapter. Just wish I had a good editor since I know that grammar isn't my strong suit. Thanks for the feedback.

I would like to have some more I was sucked into it!!! I want to know what has happen to Dan!! Please more

You do need an editor but one trick I can give you right here and now is to say any dialogue out loud, even if you're alone as if it sound wrong it probably is. I know local dialect and certain words will always be acceptable especially if you let your reader know up front but otherwise try it. Also to me 'thought' speech looks wierd with *'s and looks better in either the proper manner or just as italics as long as again the reader knows. Now the beginning seemed rushed and there is a little lack of background information but an editor or beta reader would help with those (look on the editors tab on the forum for people willing to help or just get a fresh pair of eyes on it), but given all the above (hopefully) constructive criticism you have the bones of a good story.

PB

Thanks to both Anony Moose comments. I am glad that the first really enjoyed the story and for the second for the constructive comments. I always tend to use * to denote mind to mind speech but italics would work as well. As far as the editor I am working on it but wanted to get the story out. I really hope I will find one that likes my stories and is willing to work with me.

Totally loving the first chapter. You have me hooked and wanting to know what happens next. My only hope (and wish) is that you finish the storyline. I understand some gets writer's block but as a reader, it's frustrating to know and hope that the storyline may not get a conclusion.

I don't think you need an editor or beta reader whatever that is. After all, this is the place you can release the author within you and get away with it. Unless you want it perfected or get published. I really like this story and feel Dans pain. Hope he gets a break in the next chapter. Can't wait to read it. N.

Interesting plot line. Can't wait to read more. =)

First time I encountered the term 'submissive'. Nice concept by the way.

OK, NOW THAT YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO KEEP IT?

I AGREE WITH ANONYMOUS ON READING IT ALOUD TO YOURSELF. ONE OTHER THING I DO IS PUT IT DOWN FOR A FEW DAYS THEN RE-READ IT. I FIND THAT I ADD A FEW MORE WORDS HERE AND THERE. IT WORKS FOR ME IT MAY WORK FOR YOU ALSO.

GOOD LUCK. I'M LOOKING FORWARD FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER.

Thanks for the feedback. I am trying to find and editor since I know that I tend to lose words and putting it down for a few days doesn't really work for me. I work out the scenes in my mind as well as some of the dialog and I have a tendency to read what I meant and not what is actually there.

Till you find an editor try reading it backwards line by line, that will help you keep from auto correcting like you mentioned in your comment. Good start.

It has been submitted but am waiting on it being posted. I am going to say right now that with the really slow publishing schedule it is going to take 2-3 chapters to incorporate your comments and concerns. I am trying to do a chapter every 3-5 days since I don't have a life. Add that to the 3-5 days to get a chapter posted and you can see how what you comment in this chapter might not show till chapter 3 or 4. I want feed back and will do my best to add the comments to the story but some simply won't work if it changes the story to much.

I am also considering adding a sort of notes section at the end of the chapter that will have characters and new information that has been added. This way each chapter you can go back and review what has been said and what new characters there are. I might even include differences between the main characters home world and the world he is in now. I will not reveal anything that is upcoming but as an example this world hasn't used pack bonds for years but on Dan's world it is part of joining a pack or being turned and inducted into a pack.

Our bantering brought me to your story and I love it. I am sorry to admit that I had passed it by when it first came out. The hook line hadn't hooked me. This is why I also surf the comments. I find things I missed. I laughed out loud at your response to your first comment. I think I would give money for a video of you squeeing...

I've never read an alpha lost their family story before. Amazing considered how popular were stories are. I would like to know more about the pack submissive-seems like a bit of a healer. I'm more accustomed to mind talk and thoughts being in italics, but as long as you indicate at the begining of the story/chapter how you plan to do it, readers can adjust. I've also seen writers put those on seperate lines from the general paragraph.

I'm excited about your story!

I like the story line but you need to watch out for run-on sentences!

The words 'and', 'she', 'he' are used many times in one sentence and it is bothering me. Try to make smaller sentences and cut down on the use of these words.

As my first "werewolf" story, I liked how you set the stage for this series. What man wouldn't be devastated by the death of his entire family. I look forward to seeing what will happen next.

I'm definitely reading the rest of this...

I am going to do a few more random comments on the story. This was a rather hard chapter to write for me. It wasn't just that Dan lost his family but close to the same time my ex was admitted to nursing care and is given a year or less to survive. Even though we broke up I still care for her. As far as the pups my kids are all going their own ways as well and in the case of some ways that I never expected and was dealing with that about the same time.

I am going to re-write the Silver Moon series to bring all the names in alignment as well as to correct a number of issues brought to my attention. The time line needs some work as well just to tidy it up a bit.

When I originally picked Mary as the name of his original sub I had forgotten that I was going to use Mari (Marissa) for the new pack sub. I am not going to change this and sorry for any confusion it might cause.

i knew who dan's new mate was at the start of this story

I like how you ended it cliffhangery. Wanna see what happens next.

Sincerely, Payenbrant

I like your stories

I like how the pack dynamics are familiar but have some originality as well. Looking forward to seeing where you go with this.

Darn it I just noticed an edit which is needed. Grrr.... I hope you keep liking how it goes.

Something left out here: “If the bastard who had been celebrating a him into shreds for what he had done.”

Something left in here: “Thankfully, Mary had was still at the house”