Sleep With Me

Dr Hunter smiled warmly. "That's good to hear. Well, I've given Alex a thorough examination. Generally he seems very healthy. He's fully responsive, rousable— just, and very stable. He's simply asleep and he'll wake up in his own time. We'll keep him here until he's fully awake but I don't foresee any problems."

Both Caren and Neil sagged with relief and thanked Dr Hunter profusely. "I'll come back in an hour to check up on him but he may well sleep all night now. I have to admit that I'm looking forward to speaking with him again. I wasn't joking when I said he's my favourite patient." With a smile he left.

Relief brought boredom and they rattled around in the small room like dried peas in a maraca. Caren brought snacks and drinks and Neil went for a walk in the garden. It was dark and cold but he didn't care. He needed the relief. Alex slept on oblivious.

When Dr Hunter came he examined Alex again and announced that nothing had changed. "He'll most likely sleep until morning now. Why don't you go home and come back at about eight?

"I'd feel better if I stayed until he wakes up. I remember last time."

"I told you, Caren. Last time was a VERY rare occurrence. Alex is fully responsive and stable. He's not going to stop breathing this time."

"He doesn't usually sleep this deeply for this long thought. That unsettles me and I'd rather wait."

"And I'm not going anywhere either," Neil volunteered. With a smile and a shrug Dr Hunter left.

In the night Alex got restless. He moaned softly and tossed on the pillow. Caren laid her hand on his forehead but he was cool. Whatever was disturbing him wasn't a fever. She tried to wake him but he was way out of it. She couldn't be sure, but she thought his breathing was off. It was probably only her fear but maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to get him checked. Memories of the last occasion tormented her and she knew instinctively that something was distinctly not right.

By the time Dr Hunter got there Alex had gone completely still and, in the silence, there was no mistaking the fact that his breathing was getting harsh.

Dr Hunter examined him carefully and looking up, pinching his lip. "Well, his chest is clear, he doesn't have a fever and he's still stable, although his reactions are sluggish and there's definitely an edge to his breathing. For now, I'm just going to keep a close eye on him but I'm afraid you might be right. He's definitely gone in deep this time."

"Is he going to be alright?"

"Of course he is. He's just asleep, even though it is an unusually deep sleep. He's not unconscious. He'll wake up in his own time. Try not to worry."

"Yeah, as if that is going to happen."

Dr Hunter put his hand on Neil's shoulder encouragingly. "He'll be fine, Neil. Have faith."

He tried; he really tried but it's hard to have faith when you're sitting at your boyfriend's bed willing him to wake up and watching him slip further and further out of reach. Neil knew he was slipping away because he could hear it. Why didn't anyone else realise that his breathing was getting slower and shallower with every breath.

"For God's sake just go and get the doctor," he found himself almost shouting at a nurse who'd just told him that Alex's sudden restlessness and flushed cheeks were nothing to worry about. He knew damn well they were something to worry about because he'd been sitting here for half an hour watching his struggle to breathe getting harder and harder. "I'm not going sit here for one minute longer being told a load of crap about there being nothing to worry about. Either you get the doctor here now or I'm going to tear this place apart to find him."

The nurse looked taken aback and even a little frightened. "Alright," she said. "Calm down and I'll see if I can find him."

"Don't 'see' if you can find him. Make damn sure you do."

"Was there really any need for that, Neil?" Caren asked when they were alone

"Really? You can ask that, really? Half an hour ago you were the one pushing the issue with the doctor. You can see as well as I can what's happening. He's going downhill and I'm damn sure I'm going to make sure there's someone to catch him before he hits the bottom."

She really didn't have anything to say to that.

The doctor was clearly frustrated but trying hard to hide it; at least until he saw Alex. After examining him Dr Hunter turned to Neil and Caren. "I'm very sorry. I should learn to listen to my patients and those who know them best. You are, of course quite right and you always were. You've been with Alex a long time.

"You know what's going on. He's so deeply asleep it suppressing his respiratory system. If we leave him he'll stop breathing."

Caren nodded her head, looking scared; but not as scared as she had been ten minutes earlier. At least now something was being done.

"We're going to have to help him with that until he starts coming out of it and can take over for himself again."

Caren nodded again.

"I want to set up some monitors as well so we can keep an eye on his vitals. I don't for one moment expect anything to go wrong but it's best not to take any chances."

"Of course. Whatever you say."

Caren was relieved and grateful; Neil more wary and defensive. "We told you."

"Yes, you did and I'm sorry I didn't listen. Next time I will."

"I hope there won't be a next time."

"So do we all, but unfortunately, with a condition like this the chances are there is always going to be a next time."

Neil and Caren went down to the closed canteen while they were setting everything up with Alex.

"I'm so glad you're with me, Neil," Caren said softly.

"I'm glad I'm here. I just wish Alex knew I was."

"He'll know when he wakes up."

"Will it really happen like that? That in a few hours he'll just wake up and everything will be normal again."

"When is anything with Alex ever normal?" she asked with a smile. "But pretty much, yes."

"It's killing me."

"I know and that's exactly what I was concerned about before, Neil. Can you understand why I was so suspicious of you?"

"Yeah, I guess I do. I hope you realise now that your suspicions weren't warranted."

"Oh, I do. I promise I do."

They knew as soon as Dr Hunter walked into the room that something was wrong. He sat down in a chair at their table looking tired and worried.

"What's wrong?" Neil demanded immediately. Dr Hunter looked at him for a moment.

"I don't quite know what to say. I've... I've had these talks plenty of times and they never get any easier."

"What 'talks'? What are you trying to tell us?"

"I'm afraid there have been some complications."

"What do you mean complications?" Caren was almost in tears. She was so frightened that when Neil reached for her hand and squeezed it she didn't even know he was there.

"We successfully intubated Alex but when we were setting up the monitors there were some anomalous readings, so I carried out further tests and—."

"And what? What's wrong with Alex? What's happening?"

"Alex is... not asleep, Caren; he's unconscious; profoundly unconscious. He's completely unresponsive. I have no idea what happened, when it happened, how it happened or why it happened but somewhere Alex crossed a boundary and now—."

"He's in a coma," Neil said bleakly. Dr Hunter nodded.

"But...but how? He was... He... This has never happened before. There was nothing different this time. You told me... you promised. You said he was alright."

"And he was. I've no idea what happened to change it. I'm as baffled as you are."

"That's not really what you want to hear when your boyfriend's in a coma, Dr Hunter," Neil said with deceptive softness. "To be honest I don't give a rat's arse what happened or why. All I care about it what's going to happen now. What are you doing? What are you going to do? What's going to happen to Alex; now?"

"Good questions." Dr Hunter paused and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't want you to have any illusions here; Alex's condition is serious, very serious. You can't take this level of unconsciousness lightly. Whatever's gone wrong; whatever's happened there's no doubt that, at this moment, Alex is a very sick boy. It doesn't make it any easier that we don't know what caused it. Without a cause I've no idea how to treat him.

"For the moment all we can do is take care of him and support him until we have more information about what's going on. I've sent him for a scan in case there's something going on inside his head we don't know about. I've taken blood and it's being rushed through the lab. I've done every test I can think of and I hope that when we have the results we'll know more. Until then...

"I'm having him moved up to the ICU. When he's come back from the scan and is settled I'll send someone to fetch you can you can sit with him. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I wish I could give you more information but I just don't have any."

"Is he going to be alright?"

"I don't know, Caren; I just don't know."

As soon as he'd gone Caren fell apart. Neil put his arms around her but he wasn't much help because he was shaking inside and out and he felt sick to his core. How could things have gone wrong so fast? How could this have happened? Only a few hours ago they were all sitting eating pizza and now—.

It was the longest night of their lives. First they paced in the café, then they sat at Alex's bedside, shocked and speechless. He still looked as if he was asleep. Nothing had changed; except for the machinery and equipment that surrounded the bed. His face was so peaceful. Did he know? Did he know how things had changed? Was he aware that everything was different? What was going on inside?

It didn't help when the test results started to come back normal in every case. Everything was textbook. To all intent and purpose he was a very healthy twenty two year old young man. There was nothing to explain his condition; nothing except the simple fact that he was undeniably and profoundly unconscious. His mind and body had shut down and were continuing to shut down moment by moment. It was as if at some point he'd reached the bottom of the slide, fell off the edge and was slipping into the void.

Caren sat with her head bowed, holding Alex's hand. It was cold and still. Neil paced the room. It wasn't a room really, just a glass cubicle, open to the ward of other cubicles, all just the same; each containing another sick person and their worried families.

All through the night and the next day they sat and paced and listening and waited and nothing changed.

The click and hiss and whir and beep of the machinery became so integrated into their minds that they ceased to hear them. The flashing lines and numbers were hypnotic and life on the ward, the hospital and the outside world receded, leaving them in their own private bubble. Very quickly it was normalised and they fell into routines and ways of thinking. Neither one of them thought of going home.

Even the all encompassing, choking, suffocating fear receded to the background when hour after hour and then day after day, nothing changed. Alex got neither better nor worse. He slept on a plateau between life and death veering towards neither but with the potential to fall very quickly or rise just as fast.

As time passed the fear released them altogether and boredom took over. Sitting at someone's bedside, holding their hand and watching them sleep gets old very quickly. Even if you love that person very much there's no mental stimulation and restless boredom always wins eventually.

On the third day, Dr Hunter started talking about long term care. There was no sign whatever that Alex was going to be waking up anytime soon.

"Alex would be more comfortable in a long term care home and, more importantly, so would you. Let's be frank about this... Alex could be on a barge in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and it would mean nothing to him. It's you I'm concerned about. This is no place to be spending your days.

"If Alex was showing any signs; any signs at all, that his coma was lightening I'd be more than happy to keep him here and work towards recovery, but there isn't. There's nothing; not a flicker of life. I don't understand it and I can't do a thing to change it.

"There are some very good care homes that specialise in giving long term care to people like Alex, who are not responding to short term care. The can provide better facilities... for Alex and for you."

"Isn't it a bit soon to be writing him off?"

"I'm not writing him off, Caren. I'm not telling you there's no hope; that nothing is going to change, but I don't think anything is going to change anytime soon and it's unfair on all of you to linger here. It's no place for..."

"It's a place for sick people; a place to make them better and I am not writing off my son. I believe he will get better and I want him to be here, under your care, until he does. If you have a problem with that I can find another doctor and another hospital."

"I don't have a problem with it, Caren. You know how fond I am of Alex and this is killing me."

"So you send him away so you don't have to look at him; to think about it?"

"That's not it at all."

"Then prove it."

Dr Hunter sighed. "Alright, a few more day, a week. If there's no change in a week..."

"If there's no change in a week I'll accept you've done everything you can and it's time to move on."

It didn't take a week.

Late in the evening of the following day, Caren and Neil were sitting on either side of the bed, holding Alex's hands and talking softly about what the doctor had said and the fact that the inevitability of it was getting more and more apparent.

"I can't help but feel that once he goes into a place like that he won't be coming out again."

"I know what you mean. I've done some research and that's pretty much the case. The problem is that it's impossible to consider prognosis when no one can say what happened or what is happening to him. It's an impossible situation."

"How did we get here, Neil? Why did this happen? Alex doesn't deserve this."

"No, he definitely doesn't deserve it; none of us deserve it."

"What do we do now? I don't know how to fight anymore. I don't know what I'm fighting for. Maybe we should just accept that he's not coming back."

"It's not been a week yet. It's too early to write him off."

"But it's... oh." Both of them looked down at the same time as Alex's fingers curled round theirs. They looked up and met eyes. Then they looked down again. They were too stunned to speak.

"Get the doctor," Caren said urgently as Alex started to stir.

Neil nodded and disappeared. By the time he got back only moments later Alex's eyes were fluttering and, as he slid his hand into Alex's again the big blue eyes blinked open.

Alex looked surprised, but wide awake. He reached out to Neil and tugged his hand, biting down hard on the plastic tube in his mouth. He frowned and shook his head.

When the doctor arrived Alex looked relieved and tugged on his sleeve when he tried to examine him. Alex had only one thing on his mind and he wasn't going to let the doctor do anything until he had dealt with it. Dr Hunter had no choice but to capitulate or Alex would have yanked the tube out himself and that wasn't a desirable event at all.

"Alright, Alex, try to relax and when I tell you to, cough. Understand?"

Alex shrugged and the doctor shook his head in exasperation.

Alex choked when the tube slid out but as soon as he stopped he said. "What the hell's going on? What am I doing here? What's all this stuff?"

They were astonished.

Alex left the hospital the following day as if nothing had ever happened. Caren and Neil were stunned. Everything had happened so fast they had no idea what was going on, what they were supposed to think. Alex couldn't understand. He was himself and they weren't. Shouldn't it have been the other way round?

Alex completely dismissed what had happened to him when he was told about it. He didn't want to know and didn't take it seriously at all.

They went back to Alex's house and, after something of a tense evening, it was time for Neil to go. It was the first time he'd been home in almost a week. After having a quick word with Caren, she disappeared, leaving them alone.

"Alex, there's something I want to talk to you about."

"Uh oh, this sounds serious," Alex said, with a smile.

"It is. I was going to do it before— God it seems like a long time ago but— The night you got ill I was meaning to talk to you about it, but events took over. I was sure it was the right thing to do then and I'm even more sure it's the right thing to do now. I wasn't going to make a big thing of it. I was just going to have a talk, see what you felt, take it from there but things have changed. I thought I was going to lose you and I don't want to feel like that ever again. I want to be with you forever, Alex."

"I want to be with you forever too. I..."

"Please, just listen."

"Okay."

Swallowing nervously, Neil slid off the sofa to his knees. Alex looked at him in surprise, a little worried. Neil's fingers closed around the box in his pocket. For a moment he wondered if he was doing the right thing. Then he looked up into Alex's puzzled face and laughed. Why was he even doubting? Of course it was the right thing.

Pulling out the box, he opened it and held it out to Alex who stared at the rings and then at Neil completely uncomprehendingly.

"What? Are they for me? Both of them?"

"They're for us... if you want them; if you want me."

Alex shook his head with a frown but suddenly realisation dawned and his eyes went wide with shock.

"Shit! Are you—? Is this—? Are you proposing to me?"

"Very badly, yeah."

"Shit. Fuck. Shit." Alex was completely shocked and dumbfounded. "I... I don't know what to say."

"You could say yes."

Alex grinned and nodded. "Yes. Of course yes. A thousand times yes." Then the smile faded and he put his hand over the box. "Neil, before we do this—."

"What?" Neil's heart thudded. What was wrong? Was he going to change his mind? Was he going to say no?"

"What happened... to me. You know it's going to happen again, right? Hopefully it won't be as bad as this next time, but there will be a next time. Are you cool with that?"

"No, I'm not cool with it. I will never be cool with it but I'm prepared to live with it. You have to."

"Yeah, I have to... but you don't."

"Yeah I do. I want you, Alex. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything. I love you more than I've ever loved anything or anyone. I don't care what burdens you carry. I'll help you carry them."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

"Then of course it's yes."

With shaking hands Neil took a ring from the box and slid it onto Alex's finger. With hands that shook just as much Alex took out the other ring and slipped it onto Neil's finger. Then they cried and hugged and Caren joined them and she cried and hugged.

And then Alex laid his hand against Neil's face and whispered.

"Don't go home tonight. Sleep with me."