by Old_Blue
The end is good and very romantic, but the beginning is too chaotic, too much mixup of the two storylines
It's a fun story, good stuff. I could follow from one setting to the other, the ---------------- you used helped me with that, no problem.
Here's where I got bothered, spelling, punctuation, little things that bothered me-especially cloths for clothes. This is nothing an editor can't help you solve and the site is full of them.
And this one is one great story for sure!! It's witty, funny and romantic... remindes me on some Screwball-comedys. Keep on.
Cute. "A" for effort but double check your grammar next go round.
Cute. "A" for effort but double check your grammar next go round.
This was really good; I enjoyed the buildup and all but, as has been said by others, it could have used some editing. You should have inserted ellipses when you switched from one story line to the other, and there seem to be some paragraphs out of order about two thirds of the way down the second page. It made it a bit hard to follow, but overall, it was really good. Good luck in the contest.
Should've left her to freeze to death in the snow. Marriage? I don't buy it. A bullet for both of them.
I believe in love at first sight to a degree, but this one was a little quick to get from scorn to lust to marriage proposal. Story wise, it was fair. There were quite a few spelling errors that I noticed along the way, and you need to take the time to proof-read.
I would certainly be afraid to live with Bunny. Selfish does not begin to describer her. Gave it a five.
When you got to the education part it kina drug the story down for me. It shows you have an interesting sterotype for drivers. I know a number with masters and doctorate degrees. They paid for school with their turcks and found they liked the life.
Lovely story - somewhat improbable, but lovely.
One thing, though: garments are clothes (with an "e"); cloths are the fabrics that are used to make clothes. I know, a minor point, but it was jarring while reading and enjoying.
Please write more!!
I dont understand why he would be in love with her. until she's forced into love with him via authorial fiat she's a fucking horrible, nasty mean human being.
i did guffaw when he puts her in her place when all she wants to do is jump his bones and uses her name as an insult, although i would have chucked her into the snow for hitting someone who selflessly and irrationally saved that evil woman's life.
Too bad for him though because she's exactly the type to cheat on him and take 3/4 of his assets a few years into the marriage
1. This is why 50% of marriages end in divorce.
2. He'll regret this woman - or he isn't the reasonably forceful person he seemed to be early in the narrative.
3. I enjoyed this just because it was absolute stupidly funny fantasy!!
What a cute story. What's the chances that David would run into Bunny (Karen) the daughter of his parent's friends who were Best Maid and Maid of Honor at his parents' wedding in the middle of a snowstorm. All I can say as unlikely something like this would ever happen it was entertaining and fairly well written. Well gets my 5-star vote.