Sometimes Love is Not Enough, Redux

By the time I started telling her about my work at the bank and how it had turned into some very personal attention for a few of the major investors, she was beyond being shocked. I explained the unspoken agreement between Smythe and me. I told her about the change in Smythe. About how he had trapped and coerced me into a tryst with Wilder. She could hardly believe what Smythe had said about owning me.

And then there was Jim. It was easy to talk about him. I told her how proud I was to be able to turn my life around and be a one-man-woman. I bragged about how even-tempered he was and how he never came home from work out of sorts. About how he never raised his voice and how easy it was to compromise with him when we had conflicting schedules or agendas. I bragged about how he rigidly controlled his drinking and how calm, cool, collected and totally in control of his emotions he was at all times. She couldn't believe we had never had an argument.

I almost quit talking when she asked me about our sex life and then I thought what the heck, I've told her every other intimate detail of my life. I started out by explaining how reserved his behavior was in public, almost to the point of shyness. He didn't like dancing fast and always kept his hands in respectable places when he could be persuaded to dance a slow number with me. I was proud to tell her about his trust in me and total lack of jealousy when I danced with another man because of that trust.

Sue was amazed when I started describing his behavior in the privacy of our home. I explained that there wasn't a room in the house we hadn't had sex in, including the garage. I revealed I had been had on, or been bent over every piece of furniture we own. She loved my description of the way I would wake him up some mornings and completely lose control while riding him cowgirl style. The details of our noon-hour tryst on Tuesdays and Thursdays brought a far off look to her eyes as if she was imagining herself in that situation.

Sue was a good listener. She didn't criticize or berate me for my behavior before meeting Jim and she didn't tell me how stupid I was for falling under Smythe's spell today. She managed to hold her thoughts to herself until I was through talking.

"That's quite a story, Janice. I had no idea things were that bad for you at home. I wish now I had stayed close. Maybe I could have done something to help. If nothing else, you might have been able to stay with me."

"No, Sis, you were having your own problems when mine started. Your marriage was a nightmare and I wasn't about to burden you with my problems. The thing I've never understood is why daddy hated us so much."

"Considering everything that's happened today, are you sure you want to hear about Mom and Dad, now?"

I had to think about that for a little bit. She was probably right. Now wouldn't be a good time to discuss family history. But then again, would there ever be a good time to hear about bad memories?

"Sure, Sue, why not? Maybe it'll explain why I'm so screwed up."

She hesitated, as if trying to decide where to begin. I used the pause to dial Jim's cell again. Still no answer. He must still have his phone turned off. I hung up the phone and looked back at Sue.

"I think you need to put the phone back on the table and we'll move this little Sis-to-Sis talk to the kitchen. I'm sure we can find some milk and cookies somewhere."

Damn, that made me want to cry again. Sue had comforted me with milk and cookies the night before I started kindergarten because I was afraid to leave home. Three Oreo's and half a glass of milk later, Sue started telling me more things I didn't want to know.

"Mom and Dad had the perfect marriage for several years. Then about three years before you were born, they started going to private parties. I don't know what happened but it wasn't long after that when the trouble started. I think Mom was reluctant at first and only went because that's what Dad wanted. They would leave together but would return separately. I don't know how many times the sound of a car door slamming woke me up late at night or early in the morning and Mom would be staggering up the drive and a strange car would be leaving. Sometimes Mom would get home first and sometimes it would be Dad. Then the sound of them tearing up the bedsprings would keep me awake for another hour.

"Things went on like that for over a year and then things changed. Dad would leave by himself and some man would pick up Mom. The thing of it is, it was never the same man. Sometimes one of them would be gone for two or three days at a time. That's when the real trouble began. They started having arguments and the more time that passed, the worse the arguments became. The only time they didn't fight is when they were trying to destroy the bed.

"Just when I didn't think it could get any worse, Mom managed to get pregnant with you. They actually quit fighting for a while. Things stayed reasonably calm until you were about eight. Then the arguments and fighting started again. It slowly escalated until I had to leave. I think you pretty much know the rest."

"Yes, I remember the fights. Some of them were very bad. You still haven't told me why Daddy hated us."

"Well, toward the end, they both went out of their way to hurt each other as much as possible. Dad brought home a case of VD and gave it to Mom. She in turn infected a couple of her lovers before she knew she had it. To get even with Dad, she told him he wasn't your father. I still occasionally talked with Mom and all she could think about was how to embarrass and humiliate our dad. That's when he finally beat the crap out of her and worked you over during the process."

"Is it true? Is he really not my father?"

"I don't know. I couldn't ever get Mom to commit either way. She was having too much fun tormenting our dad. Does it really matter if he is, or isn't?"

"No, I guess not. I think I hate him, Mom, and my step-dad equally. If I never see them again, it will be too soon."

"My feelings, exactly."

"What do I do now, Sue?"

"I don't know. What do you think Jim will do?"

"If I could talk with him, we might be able to work things out. If he refuses to talk with me, then I'm afraid there is no hope. He will carefully think everything through and come to the conclusion I don't love him anymore. The fact that I betrayed his trust will convince him to divorce me as soon as possible and he will never see or speak to me again."

"Are you sure he won't at least listen to your side of it?"

"I'm positive. If he wanted to hear my explanation, he would already be here. I think he will see an attorney and divorce papers will be served sometime next week."

Chapter 06

Monday morning arrived and I was sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to decide what to wear to work. A look in the dresser mirror was a shock. I didn't know the person who was looking back at me. That person's hair was a tangled mess and her eyes were red and puffy. Her cheeks were pale and she looked like death warmed over.

Sue came in, took one look and said, "You look like the walking dead, girl. I hope you don't think you're going to work this morning. I'm calling you in sick for the week so just lay back down and try to get some rest."

Rest? Sure, why not? I hadn't had five hours of sleep since last Thursday. It wasn't to be. Two additional hours in bed resulted in two additional hours of staring at the ceiling. I had showered at least a dozed times since Thursday afternoon and another fifteen minutes didn't help. I imagined I could still smell the stench, and him, on me. The Summer's Eve hadn't helped either. The part down below was very sore and with my imagination working overtime, I could still feel his filth where it didn't belong. Sue called the doctor's office promptly at nine and I had an appointment for three thirty that afternoon. I let Sue drive me to the doctor's office because I sure wasn't up to it.

The doctor's examination was as invasive and thorough as ever. Considering my history, it shouldn't have bothered me at all but it did. The table and those damn stirrups left me with absolutely no modesty at all. I flinched in pain when she inserted the speculum. The fact she was a female doctor didn't help. Luckily, I was her last appointment and she took time to let me compose myself after the examination. Her questions were direct and to the point.

"Janice, you've got external bruising and severe internal lesions. Were you raped?"

"No, not exactly."

"What does that mean?"

"Look, Doctor, I'd rather not talk about it right now. Okay?"

"Uh huh, well, I'm certain the lesions have become infected and I'm going to prescribe antibiotics to get it cleared up. The results of the blood work will be back in a couple of days. No strenuous activity for the next two weeks and definitely no intercourse. Is that clear?"

"Yes. Will you test for STDs and AIDS?"

"I've already included that in my instructions. I want to see you again a week from today. I'll call you as soon as the results from the blood work are back. Please make an appointment on the way out."

Sue stopped at the pharmacy on the way home and I filled my prescription. The market was across the street and I waited in the car while she picked up a few things. We hadn't been home for ten minutes when Abby knocked on the door. She was curious why we missed the party Friday evening. I wasn't able to talk about it and went to the bedroom to rest. I don't know how long Abby and Sue talked in the kitchen.

The last thing I remember was lying across the bed, fully clothed. I really didn't intend to go to sleep. I just used the 'being tired' excuse so I wouldn't have to face Abby and try to lie about why I wasn't at the usual Friday evening get-together. The next thing I knew, it was morning and Sue was gently shaking me awake. I stripped and showered, again. Sue had a large breakfast waiting on me when I went into the kitchen dressed only in my robe.

We spent the next couple of days at home. The crying had tapered off and depression had settled in. I continued to try to contact Jim but it was a waste of time. The doctor called Wednesday afternoon to inform me that the tests for STDs and AIDS had come back negative. Divorce papers were served the first thing Thursday morning. I wasn't surprised at the proposed settlement. We each kept our own monetary accounts and I got what was left in the household account. The house and my car were left to me to do as I pleased with. Jim's lawyer arrived Thursday afternoon to collect his special work computer and waited while I boxed most of his personal things. All he knew about Jim's location was that he had left the city and was taking a few weeks of vacation.

Sue hadn't left my side since this all started so when Friday evening rolled around, I told her to go over to Abby's and enjoy herself. She hadn't been gone an hour when there was a knock at the door. I opened the door and there was Abby, carrying a small cooler.

"Hey, girl, I've brought a care package."

She grabbed me by the arm and marched me into the kitchen. She seated me at the table, found two glasses in the cupboard, and unpacked the cooler. She dumped a double shot of Crown Royal into each glass and topped them off with 7Up and ice cubes.

"Abby, I don't think I ...."

"Shut up, Janice. I didn't come over here to talk or argue with you. I came over here to get you drunk. Since no one likes to drink alone, I'm going to get drunk with you. Now, drink up!"

I knew I shouldn't but I did anyway. She started bringing me up to date on the latest gossip from the neighborhood and the weekend parties. Thirty minutes and two refills later, she had me giggling and laughing. By the end of the hour, and two more refills, I noticed Beth and Sue sitting at the table with us. I didn't even remember when they arrived. By the end of the second hour, and I don't know how many refills, I was crying my eyes out and telling them all about my marital difficulties. Sue started talking about her marriage and it wasn't long until she was crying right along with me. I guess we ended up having a good old-fashioned tear-infested bitch session.

I have no idea how I got to bed but that's where I woke up late the next morning. Abby was shaking me and telling me it was time to rejoin the land of the living. I managed to sit up in bed and she handed me a glass of water and three aspirins. She told me Beth was getting Sue up and lunch was waiting on us in the kitchen as she left the room. I sat there for a few minutes trying to remember what happened last night. The only thing I was sure of was that Abby and Beth had not had a single refill of their drinks the whole evening.

We adjourned to the patio by the pool after lunch. Abby managed to get me to tell them all my woes again. She said she wanted a sober account of what happened and I was to leave nothing out. I hadn't any more than finished when they ganged up on Sue and made her unburden her woes to them. She had gotten as stinking ass drunk as me last night. They both listened and didn't pass judgement when we were through talking. The only advice they had was to take a wait-and-see attitude and, if the opportunity presented itself, to take advantage of it if possible.

There was one other item Abby mentioned. She said it as a joke but it sure got my attention. I acted disinterested because I didn't want her to know I would even consider such a thing. I wanted to think it through very carefully later, in private.

The more I thought about Abby's little idea, the better I liked it. It took me two days but in the end, I made an appointment. I spent an hour with a very nice lady and when the meeting was over, we had an agreement and my checking account was five thousand dollars lighter.

The next doctor appointment didn't go very well. My blood work indicated that I had a very serious bacterial infection and the antibiotics weren't working as expected. She gave me a shot in my rump and changed my prescription. I had to schedule another appointment for next week.

Chapter 07

Two doctor appointments later, I was feeling a lot better and the new medication had preformed as expected. She basically gave me a clean bill of health and wrote me a 'it's okay to return to work' note. I had changed my personal leave to medical leave due to the infection. The doctor gave me stern instructions to return once a month for the next several months for blood work. She wanted to be sure HIV/AIDS didn't show up. I'm sure she thinks I was raped and I guess in a way, I was. Is there such a thing as consensual rape? No, of course not.

What exactly did happen to me? I didn't say no, well, not to Wilder, anyhow. I did say no to Smythe though. Does that count? No, it doesn't count. He didn't physically drag me to that lunch and he didn't hold a gun on me or anything like that when I went to the room with Wilder. If I could only back up in time and confess my history to Jim before we were married. Then, if he would have married my anyway, Smythe's little game wouldn't have worked. If he had said he couldn't deal with it and left me, then he wouldn't be hurting now.

We may have only been together for a little over five years but I knew him well enough to know he had to be in deep pain. Pain that I caused. He is such a good man. He's the perfect husband, the perfect lover, and the perfect companion. What he walked in on had to have destroyed his love for me. I knew exactly what he would do and how he would handle it. Returning his ring and quietly leaving spoke volumes to me. Now that I had time to sit and reflect, it was easy to figure out exactly what happened.

Maggie said he left the office to find his knife. It must have fallen out of his pocket at the suite. I knew all about that knife. It had belonged to his grandfather. He spent several summers at his grandfather's farm when he was a boy and they became quite close. I gently teased him once about that knife and he told me, "Honey, I love that knife almost as much as I love you. It's all I have left to remember the good times Grandpa and I spent together."

He would have seen the discarded clothes lying all over the place the minute he came through the door. He would have recognized my clothes but he wouldn't have believed his eyes at first. Hearing Wilder and me in the bedroom still wouldn't have convinced him. He would have stood there and tried to analyze the evidence. I'd be willing to bet he walked right down the hall and stood at the door and watched us for a little bit.

The fact that he didn't come into the bedroom and confront us was positive proof I had destroyed his love for me. No! Not his love. His trust! That's what was destroyed. With his trust in me gone, he would have no reason to confront me. The fact that he placed my panties on the table and left his wedding ring on them was his way of telling me that he knew what I had done and he wouldn't tolerate my behavior. To him, it was a more binding act than any divorce decree could ever be. He had to be so very angry and that was the strongest way he could think of to express it.

His determination not to talk to me was further proof the marriage was over. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing I could do, or promise to do, that would change his mind. There was no explanation I could offer that would convince him to continue our marriage. There was no doubt in my mind that he still loved me but my betrayal of his trust overshadowed the love.

* * * * *

I was due to return to work on Monday. The Friday evening before, I called the two young ladies who sat in the front office for show and asked them to meet with me Saturday afternoon. I told them what I knew and what I suspected. Lois and Nora were astonished at first and then got scared. They were each working on a promising relationship with a serious boyfriend that could lead to marriage. I outlined what I was going to do and they offered to help but I declined. I explained that the possibility of consequences during the confrontation should be mine and mine alone since I was the one who now had nothing left to lose.

I dressed carefully for my return to work. I put on the same outfit I wore for the lunch with Smythe and the following tryst with Wilder. I had thought long and hard about this and was determined to go through with it. The only change in my attire was the four-inch spike-heeled boots that laced almost to my knees. They would be so much more appropriate than the dainty heels I wore to lunch that day.

The person in the mirror looked somewhat stressed. Her eyes were still a little puffy from frequent crying. Could this person really be considering bearding the lion in his own den? Hopefully, she wouldn't chicken out. Turning away from the mirror, I carefully checked the contents of the heavy leather hand-tooled shoulder bag and went forth to do battle.

* * * * *

If nothing else, Smythe was a creature of habit. He always arrived at the bank an hour before everyone else. He would use this time to review closing prices of the stock market from the day before. Major loans requiring his review and approval would be read and signed if necessary. He would check on delinquent accounts and dictate any letters that were required.

Timing is everything and mine was perfect. I stepped behind him as he was unlocking his office door and followed him inside. It was easy to determine that there was no arrogance anywhere else in his family; he had inherited it all. He stopped right in the middle of his office and turned to face me.

"Well, it's so nice you finally saw fit to grace us with your presence here at work again."

That statement made it a lot easier to proceed with my plans. I stepped forward and brushed an imaginary piece of lint from his shoulder. At the same time, I raised my right foot and tried to drive the spike heel of my boot through the arch of his left foot. My aim was a tad off but not enough to notice. He howled in pain and raised his foot from the floor. That's exactly what I wanted; a separation of his legs. I took a couple of steps back, reversed directions, and put everything I had into my kick. Any field goal kicker in the NFL would have been proud of my form. My aim was true and the sharp-pointed toe of my boot went exactly where intended. There's no doubt it would have been three points, even from forty yards out. The ball would have split the uprights perfectly. I couldn't believe the thoughts going through my mind. I guess all of the time I spent on the couch watching football with Jim was affecting my thinking.