Staring at the Sun Ch. 14

I laughed as Matt asked the inevitable question, his eyes round with hope. "You'll see!"

Back at the house, life returned to normal and I was glad of the distraction as the children played with the small toys we'd managed to buy before we caught the ferry at Calais. The gifts certainly weren't the ones I'd hoped to be taking back but I knew that from now on, the children would have to make do with less expensive presents.

My father's wine was stacked up in the hall and my mother eyed it warily. "Why did you buy so much?"

"It was Richard who insisted. He seemed to be in denial."

"He doesn't need it, you know. Maybe we can sell it..."

I went and put my arms around her. "Keep it. There's going to be so many changes in the next few months that a couple of cases of wine won't make a difference. You should be able to enjoy a few luxuries at your age."

My mother shrugged her shoulders and took out a couple of bottles. "We'll have this tonight...to celebrate you coming home."

But was that really a cause for celebration?"

*

The house looked beautiful and I'd gone to a lot of effort to make the evening's dinner special. How many more times would I be able to give dinner parties in my home?

Richard had returned from work looking tired and gloomy. The staff had sensed something was up and he'd had a long stream of workers trying to see him all afternoon, worried that they were going to be made redundant.

He flung himself into an armchair and took a gulp of his large whisky. "This is awful," he said wearily. "Your father looks haggard with worry."

I perched on the edge of the sofa and watched as he took another large gulp. "What about the bank?"

"They're coming on Monday. Maybe you can come in as well?"

I felt a small glimmer of hope. "Yes, of course. You know I will."

"I'm going to have a shower. I'm exhausted."

He trailed slowly up the stairs and I went to check on the dinner, the smell of roasting meat making me feel almost nauseous. Tonight I was going to tell my parents and Richard about the lump in my breast and the thought of finally telling them made my stomach flip with nerves. I knew it was the wrong time but I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I would have to make an appointment to see my doctor and arrange an investigation so they would need to know. Absentmindedly, I sought out the lump, feeling the hard nodule under my skin, the panic inside me flaring as my fingers brushed over the spot.

Pushing negative thoughts to the back of my mind, I concentrated on the dinner, jumping in alarm when the doorbell rang. It was my parents and the children greeted them as if they hadn't seen them for ages, squealing with delight at the small box of chocolates my father carried.

"How are you, love?" he said, ruffling my hair like he'd done when I was a child. "Something smells good."

I smiled at him but noticed the sadness in his eyes as he looked around the kitchen. "So where's all this wine your mother's been telling me about?"

I pointed to the stack of boxes in the utility room where I'd moved the wine earlier. "That should keep you going."

He went over to examine the boxes, whistling when he saw the names of the vineyards. "Oh Louise...this is silly. Why did you buy all this?"

I looked up as Richard appeared, his hair wet from his shower. "You deserve it, Jack. It'll keep you warm over the winter," he said, glancing at me.

My father chuckled and came over to hug me. "Maybe I'll bury it, hey? So the bastards can't get their hands on it..."

Dinner was a subdued affair and no-one had the courage to mention the business. I wondered how long it would take to get around to the important items on our informal agenda, but we discussed everything except the real concerns we all had.

Taking the dessert plates out to the kitchen I steeled myself to tell them my news. The children were in bed and now seemed the perfect time. I brought in a pot of coffee and some cups and sat down, my face serious.

"I need to tell you all something..."

My parents and Richard looked at me expectantly and for one terrible moment I sensed they all thought I had some kind of solution to our financial problems. How easy it would be if I had...some hidden stash of money that I'd been saving for a rainy day...

"When we were on holiday I found a lump in my breast."

My mother gasped with shock while my father went even paler. Richard was the first to speak, his voice barely a whisper.

"When did you find out?"

"I can't remember which day...near to the start of the holiday, though."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I paused and looked at my family. "I didn't want to worry you. We had enough to worry about as it was. And it might well be benign. You know I've had small lumps before."

He stared at me and I saw the disappointment in his eyes. He stood up and went into the kitchen, returning with a bottle of whisky and two glasses.

Pouring out two generous measures he handed one glass to my father. "You should have told me."

"What difference would it have made?"

"We could have come home earlier."

There was a long silence. I stared down into the depths of my wine glass and imagined us coming home early. I would have been spared the ordeal with Mike and Jake but the business problem would still have remained.

"I'm going to the doctor's next week. He'll probably refer me to a specialist to have a biopsy."

"Oh, Louise..." my mother stifled a sob as she reached out to take my hand. "You shouldn't have kept this to yourself."

"I know, I know...I'm sorry."

"God, I don't believe this is happening..." Richard ran his fingers through his hair and drained his whisky. "As if we don't have enough bloody problems."

My father shot me a look and I managed a smile. "We've got to get through this, don't you see? The problems with the business, my health. We've got to support each other," I said.

Richard pushed back his chair at my words and strode out of the room. I looked at his disappearing back in shock and finally I began to cry.

*

After Richard left, my parents said goodbye and I wearily stacked the dishwasher and tidied the kitchen. I had a feeling I'd made things worse with my unwelcome news, but at what point would have been the right time to tell them?

Upstairs Richard was asleep and I undressed and climbed into bed, longing for a cuddle and a hug from him, but knowing that was a long distant memory. My husband was no doubt disgusted with me for not telling him about the lump earlier and I cringed when I thought of how I'd confided in Mike. When had we grown so far apart that we couldn't tell each other our innermost feelings?

I slept badly, aware of Richard's restless movements next to me. Even in sleep we couldn't find peace. The next morning, I awoke late and heard the children downstairs squabbling over the television. Richard was gone and I pulled my robe on, pulling a face at myself as I looked in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and I had dark circles underneath them, a physical sign of the strain I was under.

The kitchen was a mess when I went to make some coffee. Spilt cereal littered the worktops and the sink was full of dirty dishes. In the living room, a loud cartoon channel made a mockery of how I felt and I stared at Richard who was sitting in front of the television, a blank expression on his face.

"Can you turn that down a bit?"

He noticed me standing there and stood up, taking me by the arm. "We need to talk."

I winced as he pulled me through into our large conservatory which was bright with the morning sunlight. Shutting the door to the living room firmly behind him, he glowered at me.

"Why didn't you tell me about your breast? I felt like a bloody idiot in front of your parents..."

"I told you...I didn't want to worry you."

"I don't believe you."

"Why didn't you tell me about the business? Now you know how I feel! You kept me in the dark over that, Richard!"

We stared at each other, our breathing fast in the silence of the room. Even now, in the midst of my anger, I wanted to reach out and hold him, but didn't dare.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry for all that happened on holiday, but you pushed me away so many times. All I wanted was to help you, but you never gave me a thought. It was all about you, Richard, and how you were going to deal with the problem on your own."

"What could you have done?"

"I could have helped," I cried. "I could have gone back to work in the business, even part-time. We could have saved a wage in the office if I'd helped out with the accounts. I wanted to be part of it but all you seemed to think I could do was look after the children."

"I thought that's what you wanted, Louise."

"When they were babies, yes. Of course I did. They needed me to be with them all the time but they're older now."

Richard sank down onto a chair, his head in his hands. "What about Jake...and Mike?"

I sat down next to him. "I never intended to sleep with Jake. You must believe me about that."

He stayed silent so I went on. "Mike was different. From the very start I was attracted to him, I can't deny that. He was so interested in me, Richard. He didn't see me just as a wife and mother. He spoke to me and I felt alive with the interest he felt. For the first time in years I felt like me again."

"Don't try and make excuses for what you did...."

"But I didn't have sex with Mike! OK, yes I wanted to but I didn't." I sighed, trying not to think of the night when I'd slipped out of my room to meet Mike and the intimacy that had followed. I couldn't burden Richard with that now, it would tip him over the edge. "Our lives carry on and we get lost sometimes. Don't you think that? We become slaves to the kids, the house, the business. Mike made me feel different. But now I know it was all a sham. He wasn't like that at all."

Richard sneered at me. "What was he like then?"

"He was only interested in saving his vineyard. Jake saw the attraction between us and tried to exploit it. He lured me away to stay with Mike and Lisa and paid Mike to make love to me and film it."

My husband looked surprised. "You never told me that."

"You didn't give me the chance! You were away in Toulouse and then I walked right into another of Jake's plans when I returned to the farmhouse."

"I saw you both. In bed together. My wife and my friend fucking like crazy."

I looked up at my husband and saw the tears glinting in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Richard. If I could take that back, I would. But he raped me...you must believe that. He drugged me and then took advantage of the confusion I felt."

"I only have your word for that, Louise."

I stared at him in shock. "So you would rather believe him than me? Is that what you're saying?"

"Hell, I don't know what to believe any more!" Richard's voice rose to a shout. "This is all too much."

"I'm sorry," I repeated, starting to cry again. "All our marriage I've been faithful and now you can't believe me?"

"You wanted Mike..."

"I told you why!" I shouted. "I thought he wanted me for what I was, but he betrayed me in the worst way possible! Don't you think I'm paying for that now?"

"I'm going," Richard replied, gazing at me without emotion. "I'm going to stay with a friend for a while until I can think about all this without wanting to hurt you in some way. I think it's for the best. I hate the children to see us like this."

"Please, Richard, don't go...please. Leaving doesn't solve anything." I put my hand out to touch him, but he pulled away, standing up to gaze out of the window.

"I just need to clear my head."

I watched as he opened the doors and kissed the children goodbye, their faces riveted to the television screen. How little they knew, I thought, and made a decision to keep them as far away from all this trouble as I could.

Minutes later, I heard the car engine start up and then Richard was gone, the only sound the insane, mocking laughter from the television screen.

*

I somehow managed to get through the weekend with the help of my parents and the children but they were naturally confused about where Richard was. Both children were old enough to know that something was up and I hated seeing their worried faces as they asked me where he was.

"He's had to go away on business," I told them as I made their lunch on Saturday morning. "He wont be away for long, don't worry."

But I knew they would. The tension in the house was unbearable and I tried to make life as normal as possible for them, taking them out on Saturday afternoon and allowing my daughter to have a friend to sleep over in the evening.

Richard phoned me to tell me where he was, but refused to talk any more. "I'll see you in the office on Monday. As a Director you need to be there to see the Bank Manager."

"I'll be there, you know that, but as your wife, Richard."

"You're a Director, Louise. I can't think of you as my wife at the moment."

I was shocked at his words, delivered in that same flat tone of voice that told me much more about the state of my marriage than words ever could. We still hadn't spoken properly about what happened in France and I wanted to tell him what Diana had done, but how could I when he refused to see me?

*

After dropping the children off at school on Monday, I made my way into the office with butterflies in my stomach. I had no idea what the outcome would be with the bank, but knew that over the years we'd been a good customer of theirs. Surely that must count for something?

While we were waiting for the Bank Manager to arrive, my father gave me a quick summary of what had happened with the business over the last six months.

"We overspent with the new company," he explained. "Richard thought he was doing right by expanding, and, of course, they were competitors, but the equipment was in a worse state than we realised. Techniques have moved on so much over the last decade that we knew we'd have to invest to get the company running more efficiently."

"So you took out another loan?"

There was a pause. "Yes...a mistake, I know, but we couldn't do anything more."

"And the loan is on the house?"

"Yes. Up until then, we'd owed the bank nothing, but we had no choice. Richard was confident we'd be able to pay it back with the increased revenue."

"But what about the business itself?" I asked. "Is it still successful?"

"To a certain extent, yes," my father replied. "It's just cash flow. We're waiting too long for our invoices to be paid which means we overdraw more and more each month. And with the loan repayments, our charges are just getting higher and higher."

I sighed. "So what do you think the bank will do?"

"Well, I'm hoping they'll extend the overdraft for a start. We'll have to cut down on the workforce and reduce our costs substantially, of course."

"And the houses?"

My father turned away. "Richard wants to put your house on the market. Pay off the loan and try and cut down on everything until we get both companies working efficiently again." He paused and put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm confident we can do it, Louise. We just need time."

The meeting was tense and Richard looked visibly pale and worried as he explained what he wanted to the Bank Manager. "If we can extend the overdraft for six months and sell the house, I'm sure we can get over this," he said and I yearned to hold his hand and give him the support he needed. But I couldn't; that chance was lost now.

After examining our accounts and almost interrogating Richard and my father, the bank agreed to extend the overdraft but the interest charges would be high.

"They'll make enough bloody money out of us," said my father angrily after the Bank Manager had left in his top of the range Mercedes.

Richard looked at me as I stood staring out over the factory. "We need to discuss the house, Louise. Why don't we go to the pub for lunch and talk about what's going to happen?"

"I'll leave you two to it," my father said, his eyes betraying the worry he was feeling.

The journey to the nearest pub was made in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. The garden was full of holidaymakers, drawn outside by the fine weather and the prospect of a good pint.

"It doesn't seem fair, does it?" I said as we sat down with our drinks. "Everyone looks so carefree."

Richard shrugged. "That was us once, but did we take our happiness for granted?"

"I suppose we did. Everyone does."

We stared at each other. Richard was the first to break the silence between us. "I'll contact three estate agents this afternoon and get some valuations. We need to get as much as we can for the house."

"What about my parents' house? Are they going to sell?"

"No, that's not necessary and it wouldn't be fair to ask them to suffer for a mistake I made."

I agreed. That would have been heartbreaking seeing my family home up for sale as well. "Does my father know about Jake?"

"Yes, I told him on Friday. I explained that I wanted Jake to put the money in and what he wanted in return."

"What did he say?"

"Well, he was angry at first. He doesn't know the whole sordid affair, though. That would be too much. He was just annoyed that I'd kept the bad news to myself."

I took a sip of my drink. "Look, Diana phoned yesterday. She managed to show the disc to Jilly. I don't know what's happened since..."

"So Jilly knows?"

"She does now. I'm not sure what she'll do. Do you think they'll divorce?"

"I have no idea. No doubt he'll manage to talk his way out of it. That's Jake."

We sat in silence, the chatter of our fellow drinkers somehow mocking our misery. "What did you think of Jilly?" I said, trying to keep my voice casual

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, it's just that you looked very friendly with her, that's all."

Richard studied my face, his expression grim. "There was nothing between Jilly and me, if that's what you're thinking. She was just a good friend."

I looked at my husband but he remained impassive. No hint of guilt at all. "OK, I just wanted to know, that's all."

"I've never been unfaithful to you, Louise. I thought by now you would know that. My only aim has been to ensure you and the children had a good life..."

"I know that."

"Do you? Is that why you found it so easy to betray me with Jake?"

I bit my lip. "I didn't betray you. It meant nothing."

"What about Mike then?"

I paused. Mike had been an illusion and I'd responded to his charm and sympathy. He'd touched something inside me and I couldn't deny my feelings. "Mike was a mistake. I hold my hands up and admit that. Have you never made a mistake?"

"Oh yes, Louise. I've made mistakes and I'm now going to pay for the biggest one I ever made, aren't I?"

He drained his pint and stood up. "Let's go. We're just going around in circles."

I hastily finished my drink and followed as he strode off to the car park, his shoulders rigid with anger.

*

Over the next few days, we chose a local estate agent and put the house on the market. The shock of seeing the For Sale sign was absolute when I returned with the children after school. They looked up at the sign and I could see the fear in their eyes. Richard was still living away but he said he would return the following weekend and sleep in the spare room. The children were beginning to ask too many questions and I'd begged him to return.

"Why don't we go and talk to someone?" I'd suggested during a phone call. "Someone who won't take sides."

He'd reluctantly agreed and I'd contacted the local branch of Relate, managing to book an appointment for the following week. It was a start and I prayed that we'd come through this together.

The house had gone up for sale the day I'd been to see my doctor. He'd examined my breast and booked me an appointment with a specialist who would do a needle biopsy. I'd had one before and knew it was a routine procedure to see if the lump was benign or not. The thought that it was malignant was keeping me awake at night and the fact that I could be ill was a terrifying one for me.