Staring at the Sun Ch. 14

Although the house was for sale, we hadn't looked at anywhere else to buy, simply because we didn't know whether it would be one house we'd be buying or two very small ones. Neither of us had spoken about the future and I was dreading the conversation when it happened. I wanted to bury my head in the sand and ignore the future completely.

Every day I went into work and together with my parents and Richard we planned a strategy to save the business. It was an ordeal when we had to make several of our employees redundant and the guilt on Richard's face was terrible. He had lost weight since returning from France and his suit jacket hung on his shoulders making him appear much older. But he was beginning to see how I wanted to take an interest in the business, and although I never said anything to him, I could sense the start of a reconciliation.

*

One month later...

It was Saturday morning and downstairs I could hear the loud noise of the cartoon channel. I lay in bed listening to the sound of birdsong and wondered how much longer I would be able to enjoy the pleasures of my garden and the peaceful rural surroundings.

Richard and I had finally decided to rent a house for six months before we made a decision. Our meetings were continuing with Relate and it was a time for honest conversation. I'd told Richard how I'd felt during the last few years of our marriage and he'd expressed surprise.

"I thought you were happy," he'd said as I spoke of the increasing alienation I was feeling. "I was doing all I could to give you what you wanted."

"Materially, yes, I was happy, but we'd grown apart, Richard. I seemed to be just a wife and mother, not me anymore."

He'd looked at me in amazement and I felt guilt that I wasn't satisfied. I'd tried to explain how Mike had made me feel, how his interest and sympathy had made me feel alive for the first time in years, but he couldn't understand.

There had been a lot of tears and I'd said sorry over and over again. Sometimes, Richard was calm and listened but other times he would lose his temper and rant at me, asking how I could have slept with Jake when I knew he needed me most.

"Do you know how I felt seeing you with him?" he'd shouted. "And then when he nearly raped you? I should have killed him for that..."

I knew that the path to rebuilding our marriage was a long one, but we seemed to be getting there slowly and my involvement with the business was helping. We'd done everything we could to cut our costs and the expensive BMW we leased had been replaced with a more modest model, but things were improving, even though I knew Richard would never forgive himself for the redundancies.

Now, on this sunny Saturday morning, I followed the tantalising aroma of coffee to the kitchen were Richard was reading the morning paper. Two letters lay on the worktop and I eyed one of them with dread. It was from the hospital.

"Want a coffee?"

I nodded and picked up the other piece of mail, a slim white envelope with handwriting I didn't recognise. "Who's this from?" I asked Richard as I took the coffee cup from him.

"No idea. It's for you."

I slid a finger under the fold and carefully opened it, my interest aroused. Inside there was a single sheet of paper and I read:

Dear Louise,

I feel I have to write and say sorry for all the upset that we've caused you. It was never my intention to hurt either you or Richard, but I know from several people that after you left here, things took a turn for the worse.

I've left Mike. There seemed to be no point in carrying on and our life together was a sham anyway. He was never interested in me, just the vineyard. By all accounts, he's having to sell as the money from Jake dried up... He's devastated but that's what happens when you set out to deceive someone.

I'm back in the UK now. I managed to scrape some money together and get a cheap flight home. I hate Jake and Jilly and never want to see them again. I can't believe I did what Jake wanted me to do, but I was desperate, Louise. You have to believe that...

I hear that Jake has been thrown out of the farmhouse. Jilly found out about what happened and she also found out about Sophie. I don't think she'll ever forgive him...she's not the forgiving sort, is she?

Anyway, I'm living in London for the time being with friends. I know that I'll have to start all over again, but it's better than living a lie. I just wanted to say sorry for all the hurt I caused and I understand if you never want to see me again. Please don't put me in the same category as Mike.

My address is on the top of the letter if you want to get in touch.

Yours

Lisa

I read the letter again and again and then passed it over to Richard who frowned. "You never told me of Lisa's part in what happened."

"I didn't think it would solve anything if I did. It was irrelevant."

"But if she hadn't asked you to go and stay things may have been different."

"Perhaps. But then Jake would have persuaded you to let him help and we'd be at his mercy now."

I poured out another coffee and stared at the other letter. "I'd better open it."

My heart was beating furiously and I was shaking as I gazed at my husband. Inside the letter was my future and I didn't know whether I had the courage to open it or not.

"You do it." I thrust the envelope at Richard who took it reluctantly.

Unable to bear it any longer, I rushed out to the garden, my eyes full of tears. How could I tell the children if I was ill? Hadn't they coped with enough lately?

Sinking down onto the small bench overlooking the house I let the tears flow. We'd received an offer on the house and it was only a matter of time before we'd be packing to leave, all our possessions crammed into boxes and left in storage until we made a decision about our future.

I closed my eyes, feeling the sun warm my cheeks and tried to calm down. All the events of the last few months passed through my head in a jumble of images: the journey to France, the worries over being able to pay the hotel bills, finding the lump in my breast, our stay with Jake and Jilly...

What mattered now was our future as a family and I opened my eyes to the sunlight. Richard was standing in front of me, a strange expression on his face.

My heart started to race again and it was only when he knelt in front of me and hugged me close, tears in his eyes, but a huge smile on his face that I knew the future was going to be just fine.

The End.