Stupidest Incest Story Ever Written

"Not much, not much," Nick replied. "Just been watching the incest meter reports. Had a close call earlier today in Albuquerque , from what I could tell it seemed like the brother was tickling his sister in a pretty suggestive manner. Unfortunately, she said she was getting uncomfortable, and he agreed and stopped."

"That's a shame," Donny replied. "Hopefully this is just the first step and they'll come around. Anyway, everyone in the council is in there and prepared?"

"Sure are."

"Excellent. Oh, how rude of me. I'd like to introduce you to our guests."

Marie suddenly brought Malcolm and Jessica to the forefront so they could talk to him. "Malcolm and Jessica, I'd like you to meet Nick Brown. He's Whitney Houston's adopted son, and he's been having relations with his adopted sister," she explained. "He's trying to work his way up into the council, but for now he serves as an assistant and guard."

"Ah, Malcolm and Jessica. So nice to see you two in the flesh, you guys are just as attractive as people have mentioned," Nick responded as she shook both of their hands.

"People have mentioned us? What?" Malcolm asked.

"Oh yeah, everyone's been talking about it. I bet the sex between you two was crazy hot."

"Wow, that is a wildly inappropriate thing to say," Malcolm responded, irritated.

"Things work a bit differently here, you'll get used to it," Nick smiled.

Jessica suddenly chimed in, "You know, I'm not exactly thrilled about this whole invasion of privacy thing, how on earth did you guys know about...."

Marie shushed her. "Calm down, child. It's time for us to meet with the council. Everything will be explained."

Nick pushed a button on his desk, and the large wooden doors suddenly opened.

"The council will see you now," he exclaimed.

Malcolm , Jessica, Donny and Marie all walked forward into the large boardroom as the doors closed behind them. There were 11 large chairs around a large desk in a semi-circle, all facing away from them. 9 of the chairs were occupied, with the other two obviously being for Donny and Marie. There was a logo in the center of the desk, a picture of the male gender symbol placing its arrow into the circle at the top of the female gender symbol, with a picture of a DNA strand between them.

"Malcolm and Jessica, we would like to introduce you to the esteemed order of the Supreme Council of Incest. These are people you may recognize who have helped support our cause by promoting incest in culture, either by committing it themselves or displaying it in the works they create," Donny explained.

The chairs suddenly swiveled around to face them, and Malcolm and Jessica got their first look at the members of the council. Malcolm recognized a few of them and was shocked at a few of the members.

"Let's introduce each of the members to you, one by one," Marie stated. She started at the far end. "You're already familiar with Mr. Freeman and his contributions."

"I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. I know that there's a lot going through your head right now, but everything will be clear as a whistle in due time," Morgan Freeman told them in his reassuring voice.

Marie went one spot further and introduced an older white man that Malcolm didn't recognize. "This man is director Nick Cassavetes. He made a film promoting incest and then caused a controversy by going to the papers to support incestuous marriage."

"Hey, my methods may have been a bit blunt, but it got people talking about incest," Cassavetes smiled.

Donny then pointed out the small nebbish of a man in glasses to Cassavetes's left, who Malcolm instantly recognized. "I'm sure you recognize Mr. Woody Allen, and remember him leaving his wife for her daughter that he helped raise."

"Thanks for the introduction, Donny," Woody Allen sheepishly replied. "Although I understand if you two have some reservations about this place. After all, I would be hesitant to join any club that would have...."

"That would have you as a member, yes, yes, we get it, you say that every time!" a young man with long brown hair sitting next to him snapped. " Geez, I didn't agree to pretend to be gay with my brother on TV just so I would have to listen to the same jokes over and over. You didn't even invent that joke, it's from Mencken!"

Donny laughed and introduced the young interrupter as Jared Padalecki, who they were using to tap into the market of homosexuals with repressed incestuous desires through his homoerotic show about two brothers on the CW.

They were then introduced to director George Lucas, who had included some unwitting incest in his Star Wars movies by having an attraction between Luke and Leia. Next, they were introduced to Virginia Andrews, an old woman who apparently wrote a popular mainstream incest literary work called "Flowers in the Attic."

Marie then acknowledged an extremely obese man with a scraggly beard. "And next we have George R.R. Martin, whose Game of Thrones series and TV show depict incest constantly."

"Nice to meet you," George R.R. Martin said as he licked his lips. "So you two are brother and sister? That's my favorite. You two are a regular Jaime and Cersei Lannister."

The next member was unmistakable, a young man with brown hair and a thick orange jacket, but Malcolm couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"And this man, who I'm sure you recognize, is Marty McFly. He went back in time and got hot and heavy with his own mother!"

"Nice to meet you," Marty responded, "I understand you might be the Chosen Ones. This is heavy!"

Malcolm stopped them. "Okay, hold the fucking phone for one moment here. I'm pretty damn sure that Marty McFly is a fictional character from a movie. And yet here he is, and he still looks young, nothing like what Michael J. Fox looks like today. What is going on here?"

"Hey man, time travel causes some crazy things to happen," Marty responded. "Speaking of which, has either of you seen a 1981 DeLorean car anywhere? I seem to have misplaced it a few days ago."

Malcolm decided to let it go, but almost lost it when he was introduced to the last member.

"Dey already know me," the last member said in his trademark sneer, "errybody know me. Errybody want to be Tony Montana. Errybody do imitations. Dey pull out the two guns, they say 'Say hello to my little friend.' Dey say about wanting the money and the power and the women. Errybody pretend to be me. But nobody remember that I wanted to fuck my sister. Nobody imitate that part! And that was the whole point of the damn movie!"

"Okay, okay," Malcolm paused. "This is nonsense. I KNOW Tony Montana is a fictional character. And also I'm pretty sure he died at the end of the movie."

"Hey, spoiler alert, mang!" Tony replied. "I ain't even seen it yet!"

"What? You haven't seen your own...how do you...how is that even...."

George Lucas decided to speak up and interrupt them. "In all seriousness, I empathize with what Tony is talking about. I made the Star Wars films and they became wildly popular, and everyone started to imitate them. Everyone wants to be a Jedi, everyone pretends to fight with light sabers. Whenever guys walk up to automatic sliding doors, they always wave their hand across first so they can pretend they're opening it with the Force. But no one talks about the romantic passion that Luke and Leia had, and that was the whole reason I created it."

"Also, Darth Vader definitely was doing it with Leia at the beginning of Episode 4 when he was interrogating her, right?" Woody Allen added.

"Uh, sure, whatever you want," Lucas responded.

Malcolm was just about fed up with all this and turned to face Donny, "Okay, now we've met all you. A bunch of celebrities and stuff. Two of them aren't even real."

"Also, I've been looking you guys up on my phone as you've been talking and I'm pretty sure Virginia Andrews died, like over 25 years ago," Jessica added.

"I got better," Virginia replied.

"Okay, whatever," Malcolm continued. "So what the hell is this all about?"

"Allow me to explain things," Morgan Freeman said calmly as he got out of his chair and walked over to them. Malcolm and Jessica immediately felt reassured by his dulcet tones. "You see, our order has been involved in a long standing battle. A battle that we need to win. And we feel that you may be the Chosen Ones that the prophecy has talked about."

As soon as he mentioned "Chosen Ones," the door opened behind them and a frantic looking man in raggedy clothes with a British accent came out to address everyone.

"What's all this about the Chosen Ones? These two can't be the Chosen Ones! Everyone knows that I'm the Chosen One!" the frantic British man yelled out, exasperated. "I'm the most popular incest writer on the ENTIRE INTERNET! I have the most votes! I have the most comments! I have the most contest wins! Of course it was my own fake contests but who cares about that? I've made so much Monopoly money selling my stories that I've even bought a boat! I've also created a 'reader' for my works, for both fans and serious scholars!"

A few security guards suddenly grabbed the man and dragged him out of the room, still ranting.

"Uh, wait, who was that guy?" Malcolm asked.

"Don't know, just some guy that hangs around here looking for attention," Donny responded. "We need to tighten security around here."

Morgan Freeman composed himself and continued. He pressed a button and a screen came down in the middle of the room to show images while he talked to Malcolm and Jessica.

"You see, you two, incest has been a part of life since life began. Single celled organisms reproduced with themselves. Life itself couldn't go on without incest. That's how mankind came into being. Back in Biblical times, Adam and Eve's children had the burden of populating our planet. Cain and Abel both married their sisters and had children with them, and so on and so forth. And after the great flood, Noah and his family, as well as all of the animals, had to reproduce using incest.

"This tradition continued on for ages. Through caveman times, through feudal times, all throughout mankind's history. The pagans, the ancient Greeks, the ancient Egyptians, all committing incest. Royal houses of Europe and Asia married their relatives to keep the bloodlines pure."

Freeman then displayed a chart on the screen. It was a graphing chart, with the x-axis showing periods of Earth's history and the y-axis displaying "percentage of incest acceptance." The trajectory of the graph was going downwards.

"But as time went on," Freeman continued, "incest became less and less accepted. It started with the Roman Empire, who decided they weren't fond of incest and banned it in their territories. Despite all the incest throughout the Bible, Judeo-Christian religions turned against it as well due to Roman influence. Later on, scientists came in to the picture, they did genetic testing, told everyone incest was wrong. And that brings us to where we are today, with incest considered a taboo, with levels at an all-time low."

"Okay, that makes sense," Jessica said. "Thanks for the history lesson. I'm not really in a position to judge since I've been sleeping with my brother, but what's the big deal, exactly? Why are you so obsessed with keeping incest popular?"

"Let me show you a few other charts," Freeman responded.

He showed them a chart of time versus "human decency," which showed that "human decency" was going down as mankind progressed (although Malcolm had no idea how he quantified that). He then showed the same trends showing that "self-respect," "kindness" and "passiveness" were going down, while "human aggressiveness," "greed," and "potential for worldwide destruction through technology" was going up.

"In addition to these human factors, the Earth is also slowly getting destroyed by climate change as businesses carelessly ignore environmental decency, making it weaker, more ripe for attack," Freeman continued.

"Okay, so it seems like the gist of what you're saying is that all these bad things have been accumulating over time, while at the same time that incest has been going down," Malcolm interjected, "and you think that the lack of incest is what's causing the aggressiveness, the breakdown of human kind? That's a faulty argument. The bad things you mentioned could be happening just because of the natural progression of time and human nature. Correlation doesn't always mean causation."

"Unfortunately, Mr. Rush, in this case we are quite certain that it does."

"So what you're saying is that if people are committing incest, it causes them to be happier and better people and stops them from destroying the environment?" Jessica asked.

"In one sense, yes," Freeman continued, "but that's not the full story. You see, these negative impulses, they aren't necessarily caused by lack of incest in and of itself. They're caused by an outside source, an evil source that's been sending negative brain waves to humans for eons in order to destroy us so they can take over our planet, and incest helps prevent them."

Malcolm was stunned. Was he talking about aliens? Was this real?

"And incest can stop these waves?" Jessica asked.

"Yes, that's correct, Miss Rush. It just so happens that when a person commits incest, something about the biology involved in the act gives that person resistance to these foreign offending brain waves. Committing incest is about reinforcing your DNA -- you're interacting with someone that has more of your blood, so in a sense you're adding and reinforcing your own internal make-up, making you stronger, making you able to resist the waves. Even in cases where the incest isn't among people who are actually biologically related, such as in my case, the filter of assumed incest causes the brain to think that it's reinforcing itself anyway, thus resisting the waves."

Malcolm shook his head. "I can't believe what I'm hearing. So aliens really have been sending brain waves to try to take us over? Those guys who wear the tinfoil on their heads were right all along?"

"Well, not exactly aliens, Mr. Rush," Freeman answered. "I believe the more specific term would be....space pirates."

"Fucking SPACE PIRATES? Seriously?"

"I'm afraid this is quite a serious matter. And we feel you two might be the ones to stop them."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Yarr, matey, I knows what I saws. Saws it with me own good eye through the lookout port. They took 'em and broughts 'ems into their cavern," the space pirate explained to his admiral.

"And you're absolutely sure about this?" his admiral, Julius Caesar, responded.

"Yarr, as sure as I am that a whale ate my leg."

"Thank you for your report, Peg-Leg Pete. I will make sure to report this to the Supreme Commander," Caesar responded.

Caesar walked away, dismayed by this news. He paused to take a moment to look at their armada of pirate ships in space as he walked back and forth on the deck.

Caesar knew that the news had to be reported, but he wasn't looking forward to upsetting the Supreme Commander. Caesar owed his life to him. After he had been stabbed at the Roman Senate chamber in 44 BC, the Supreme Commander appeared to him and transported him to their space fleet, where Caesar was healed through their advanced technology. This same technology also allowed him to stay alive throughout the millenniums.

The Supreme Commander had saved Caesar because of his role in banning incest throughout the Roman territories, one of the first rulers of civilizations to do so. When the Supreme Commander told him of the intentions and purposes of the space pirates, Caesar immediately joined their cause, becoming second-in-command of the operation.

He ruminated over the possibilities. If the Incest Council had truly found the Chosen Ones as foretold in the prophecies, their entire operation could be in trouble. He pondered a direct attack, but he knew that would be impossible. The Council was wise to set their base in the heart of rural Kentucky -- the incest vibes there were far too powerful, and the pirates' attacks would have no effect.

Caesar sighed as he walked towards the Supreme Commander's throne room. He walked in and saw the Supreme Commander sitting in his chair, draped in a cloak and covered by shadow. Caesar approached him cautiously, and knelt before him.

"What news have you, Julius?" the Supreme Commander asked.

"Potentially dire news, my Lord. The Incest Council believes that they have found the Chosen Ones, and they have taken harbor in their fortress."

"Oh, have they now?" the Supreme Commander cackled. "Well, let's just see about that. We've disposed of some of their so-called 'Chosen Ones' before. What information do you have on them?"

"From what the lookout crew has gathered, it seems like it's a brother and sister. Both exceptionally attractive by the standards of modern day America."

"How far have they progressed?"

"Looks like they're still at the first stage, they recently discovered their lust for each other for the first time. They haven't reached the part where the mom becomes sexually involved yet or anything."

"And do you have their names?"

Caesar looked down at the report he was handed. "It says here that the names are....Malcolm Rush and Jessica Rush, of Cincinnati in the United States."

The Supreme Commander was silent. "I see. Malcolm and Jessica Rush. I have been watching them with great interest for some time. So the time has come at last for them to meet their destiny and challenge us."

The Supreme Commander threw back his head and let forth a maniacal evil laughter. Caesar joined him in laughing so that it wouldn't be awkward, even though he wasn't sure what they were laughing about.

Eventually the evil laughter subsided. "Arm the fleets, Julius. Prepare for an attack."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Malcolm and Jessica were still trying to process what was happening to them as they stood with the Council in the war room, going over maps and plans.

George R.R. Martin, having studied war plans and strategies for his series, was their tactical commander.

"So, you see," Martin said as he pointed at some maps, "the space pirates have an armada which they keep hidden a few distances behind the moon. The waves they send out have a cloaking device which renders the fleet invisible to the human eye, unless that person is committing incest, of course."

"They also can't be captured by camera, so throughout history, whenever an astronomer who engaged in incest was able to see them, no one believed that person," Donny added.

Martin continued. "However, we have located the main ship that holds the Supreme Commander of the pirate fleet on it, as well as his second-in-command. The source of the brainwaves is generated by the Supreme Commander, so if you can get close enough to him and kill him, you can end this war. The plan is to get the two of you on to his ship and blaze through his guards and other space pirates on it to kill the Supreme Commander. That will end the source of the waves, and the war itself."

"And, what, you want us to attack them?" Malcolm stammered. "They're in space, how the hell is that possible? How do we even get out there?"

"Why, we use my spaceship, of course," George Lucas replied.

"You have a spaceship?"

"Of course I have a spaceship, I created Star Wars."

"Fair enough."

"Umm, if you don't mind, I want to ask a question briefly," Woody Allen interjected. "I know we're going on with them about space pirates this, battleship that, but, uh, are we really sure that these two are the Chosen Ones?"

"What a stupid question, Woody," Nick Cassavetes interjected in response. "Have you taken a look at these two? First of all, they're in the opening stages of their romantic love. Also, they're probably the most attractive people in the history of the planet to have committed brother/sister incest. Which isn't exactly a surprise, because by looking at them, they might actually be the most attractive people in the history of mankind, period!"