Stupidest Incest Story Ever Written

"I actually agree with Mr. Allen," Jessica responded, "I don't really understand why the hell those traits have anything to do with us fighting space pirates."

"Ah, you see, naïve child," Virginia Andrews replied, "the brainwaves that the pirates send out, they grow stronger the closer you get to their base. No one to this point has committed enough pure and sexy enough incest to be able to withstand being getting close to them without being destroyed by the waves. And you two may be the first."

"Destroyed? What? I don't know if I agree with all this," Malcolm said defiantly. "I'm just a normal guy. Sure, I'm romantically in love with my sister, but that certainly pales in comparison to all this weirdness. And here you are trying to get me to risk my life to destroy a group of dangerous evil people. Well, shit, I won't have it! You said that people committing incest are immune to the waves. Well, I sure am doing that, so I guess I don't have anything to worry about. I'm going to fuck my sister as much as possible and be immune to their bullshit, and who gives a shit what else happens. You're not sending me in to space to fight some pirates."

"I'm afraid it's not that simple," Morgan Freeman replied. "Do you remember the Mayan prophecy about the end of the world being on December 21st, 2012?"

"Well, yeah, sort of."

"The basis behind that prophecy is that the Mayans, supporters of incest, were able to capture one of the space pirates and interrogate him. The pirate revealed that December 21st, 2012 was the date that the pirates were planning to launch their attack to conquer the world, as they deemed that by that point the pirates would have incest at a low level by then and be able to destroy us. So, we have very little time left. Unfortunately, our personal incest escapades are not even close to being enough to protect others or the rest of the planet from succumbing to their attack, thereby destroying the world. If we do not destroy them by that point, the war will be lost and the planet will be conquered. So, as you can see, the fate of the world relies on your compliance. You are humanity's last hope."

Malcolm sighed, and knew he was resigned to his fate. "I guess we have to do this, then. Alright, so I guess I should engage in some sort of training?"

"Unfortunately, there is no time for training," Donny responded to him, "the time to strike is now, when your incest is still new and pure."

Malcolm was about to ask what the hell he was talking about when George Lucas suddenly walked up to him. "You'll be using these," Lucas said as he handed Malcolm and Jessica two brightly colored guns. "They're plasma guns, the most effective way to defeat the space pirates. I trust that you know how to use a weapon?"

"No, I don't have any combat experience."

"Well, you're a stereotypical idealistic male character, so of course you're also good in combat. You'll be just fine."

"What about me?" Jessica asked. "I don't have anything like that, and don't know how to use it."

"Actually, Jessica," George R.R. Martin responded, "you probably won't need to fire the guns too often. Your main job will be to stimulate Malcolm sexually so that the two of you can raise your incest levels enough to fight off the brainwaves."

"We'll be giving you headsets so that we can communicate with you from back at the base," Donny added, "as you get closer and closer to the Supreme Commander, the sex will have to progress further and further along. Marie and I will be telling you what acts you need to be perform as you go along."

"Alright then," Jessica replied, "so when are we doing this?"

"Take the rest of the day to go over the blueprints of the ship, and then stay the night here. Don't sleep together tonight, we need there to be a lot of sexual tension tomorrow if you want to survive. Tomorrow morning, George Lucas will fly you close enough with the Millennium Falcon so that you can be beamed into the main pirate ship."

"I can only get you so far," Lucas added, "because my level of incest isn't high enough to withstand close proximity. Once we're close enough I can beam you in."

Tony Montana had been sitting in silence the whole time, and then finally spoke up. "Tony Montana be going wid' dem."

"Tony, that's insane," Lucas responded, "you'll never be able to withstand the waves. You'll be destroyed!"

"Eh, mebbe, who cares, I don't fuckin' trust anybody but me, dat's what I know. Dose waves, they won't affect me, my brain's covered by a barrier of fuckin' cocaine they'll have to get through first. Dese fuckin' pirates, mang, 'dere all a bunch of assholes. 'Dey deserve to get fucked like the pussies 'dey are. And ole Tony here, I wanna come out at them swinging my dick around, blaze a path for dese guys, create a distraction. I ain' planning on lasting long, or coming back."

"Wow, Tony," Donny responded, "you're really willing to risk your life for this to help out our chances? That is a very heroic and noble sacrifice. If you're capable of an act as generous as that, how did you end up becoming a lowlife drug dealing criminal?"

"Because..." Tony responded, then paused remorsefully.

"Yes? Because why?"

"Because FUCK YOU, that's why!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Malcolm was apprehensive as he sat in the back of the Millennium Falcon as they left Earth's atmosphere.

George Lucas was piloting the ship. He brought along one of his adopted daughters, who was under the control panel giving him fellatio in order to help him fend off the brain waves as they approached proximity.

Jared Padalecki was forced to come along as well, as George Lucas needed a co-pilot. To help him fend off the brainwaves, he was forced to read a long series of erotic "Supernatural" fan fiction about his character.

"I still don't understand why I get all the crappy jobs," Padalecki said at one point. "I'm not even gay, and yet I am forced to read all this nonsense. You guys couldn't have given me a show about a brother and sister detective team instead?"

"Shut up, Jared," Lucas responded. "You'll read crappy internet stories about you having gay sex with your brother and you'll like it."

Malcolm and Jessica sat in the back nervously, continuing to go over blueprints of the pirate ship. They had more or less planned their course of attack, but were still nervous.

"Are you ready for this, sis?" Malcolm asked. "How are you feeling?"

"A bit nervous," Jessica blushed as she responded, "but I guess we have to do what we have to do."

"Listen, sister, I know that this is a trying time for both of us. But there are several things we need to remember, about ourselves, and about our mission. The first is...."

SNOOOOORT

Malcolm had planned on making an epic and inspiring speech, but he kept getting interrupted by the loud noises of Tony Montana vigorously inhaling a giant pile of cocaine on the spaceship's dashboard.

Malcolm turned to him, "Uh, hey, Mr. Montana, would you mind not doing that, for like, one minute?"

Montana finished inhaling and then yelled at him. "You ain' in any spot to be giving orders, you fuckin' cockroach! I came to America because I was getting fuckin' sick of taking orders from Castro, I don't need to be takin' no orders from some kid whose balls ain't even dropped, mang."

"Okay, okay! Sorry I asked."

Finally Padalecki came back from the cockpit and led the three of them to the transporter room. "We're finally close enough that you can be beamed aboard, do you all know all the steps of the plan?"

"We do," Jessica responded as the three of them adjusted their earpieces and armed their guns. "You beam Malcolm and I to the vent near the latrine, we knock out a pirate and a wench and take their clothes and try to get as close as possible. When we feel our cover has been blown, we signal for Tony to pop out of the storage room you beamed him into, guns blazing."

"Very well. Godspeed."

"Jus' push the fuckin' button, you fuckin' cocksucker. And I means that literally in this case," Tony chimed in.

"For the last time, Tony, I AM NOT ACTUALLY GAY IN REAL LIFE!" Padalecki shook his head then pressed some buttons on the transporter and beamed the three of them onto the ship.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Malcolm closed his eyes, and when he opened them again he was lying sideways next to Jessica in a cramped vent. He looked outside the vent and was looking at an old latrine, with several stalls.

He heard Marie Osmond's voice in his earpiece. "Malcolm, Jessica, do you copy? Are you aboard?"

"Signal clear, we are aboard," he whispered to his headset.

He looked into the latrine from the vent. Luckily, a scrawny pirate with a large orange beard was using one of the stalls to take a wench from behind.

"Yarr, wench, your pussy is tighter than a whale's blowhole! And I would knows, as I've fucked plenty of those before!" the pirate yelled out.

"Oh, yes, Barnacle Bill! Shove your longsword deeper into me!" the wench replied.

"Yarr, I sure do love plundering this booty, it really...." he paused as he felt something press into the back of his neck. "Shiver me timbers! What in the name of Davy Jones's locker is that?"

The plasma gun he suddenly felt at the back of his neck fired as the pirate collapsed on the floor.

The wench panicked for a moment, but stopped when she looked at Malcolm holding the gun and smiled. "Oh my, you're quite clean shaven for an old sea hand! Did you kill him because you wanted your turn with me?"

Jessica rolled her eyes, walked up from behind Malcolm and took care of her as well. The two of them quickly undressed the corpses and put on their foul smelling clothes.

Malcolm supposed he should feel some sort of remorse that he had killed a man for the first time. This situation was so surreal, however, that he didn't have any time to think about anything like that. He looked himself in the mirror briefly. He looked ridiculous wearing the pirate's outfit and Jolly Roger hat. He wished he would have brought a fake beard or something to make it look at least somewhat realistic. Then he turned to Jessica, and smiled as he saw his beloved undress and then put on the new clothes.

"Hey sis, you still look hot even dressed in that wench's rags."

"Good to hear you say that, I feel like I just came out of a dumpster, wearing these things. Maybe if we get back in one piece we can use this scenario as an inspiration for roleplay later," she smiled seductively.

They suddenly heard Donny in their ear. "Be careful as you walk out. I'm assuming you don't look the parts, but try to walk and speak like old timey pirates to try to avoid suspicion. "

Malcolm cautiously opened the door and walked out into a crowded mess hall. He walked outside into it, facing a large amount of drunken pirates cavorting about. As he entered with Jessica behind him, and a few pirates turned to him and started to cheer.

"Aye, look at old Barnacle Bill, getting his rocks off!" a burly black haired pirate yelled at him as he walked up to Malcolm and clasped him on the back. "I think this is your first one since you took that green-skinned lass from Andromeda 7! Looks like this one forced you to shave that mangy beard off beforehand, smart choice by her!"

How the hell did he not notice anything was different besides the lack of beard? Malcolm's puzzlement turned to fear as that pirate soon grabbed Jessica by the hand and started to walk towards the latrine door with her. "Yarr, and now it be old Black Tom's turn with this comely wench!"

Malcolm was petrified. Jessica was his personal treasure, his true love. He was horrified at the possibilities. Would she have to give in to this disgusting pirate in order to keep their cover? Did they have any other options?

Luckily, Jessica was always fast on her feet. "Hold it there, matey," Jessica replied to him in a fake pirate accent, "Old Bill here is hung like a whale, I won't be able to sit right for a week! This wench needs some time to recuperate first!"

To Malcolm's relief, the large pirate laughed and backed off. "Arr, so the rumors are true, eh? Good for you, Bill, you've got nothing but doubloons in your head so I guess you needed to be good for something in some department! Aye, someone find me a different wench, and get me a bottle of rum!"

Malcolm and Jessica left the mess hall, relieved.

"Remember, guys," Marie suddenly said in their ear, "you're some distance from the center of the brainwave emitter right now, but as you get closer, you're going to have to engage in some foreplay and then sexual activity in order to make it through. From what our information has gathered, these horny pirates are always going at it with their wenches in public places, so it hopefully won't be too suspicious."

The two of them continued to walk down hallways towards central control, trying not to make any eye contact with the passing pirates. Malcolm noticed that the décor of the ship's hallways was a combination of old timey pirate ship elements mixed with futuristic space ship elements and technology.

As they continued closer and closer to the ship's deck, Marie instructed them that Jessica now had to start rubbing the outside of Malcolm's pants as they walked, which she complied with. A few of the pirates they passed started to chuckle when they walked past and witnessed this, but didn't seem to find it unusual.

Suddenly, an alarm came over the loudspeakers. "Shit, have we been caught?" Malcolm thought to himself.

"ATTENTION MATEYS! ATTENTION MATEYS! Admiral Caesar requests all hands on deck for a mission briefing!" the loudspeaker voice yelled.

Malcolm sighed in relief that it was simply a briefing, but was still nervous as he assumed he would have to attend, and that an admiral might be more intelligent than these ground level pirates and more able to see through his flimsy disguise. Also, what the hell kind of pirate name is "Caesar?" As in Julius Caesar?

"Be careful, guys," Donny said in his earpiece. "The central deck is much closer to the source of the brainwaves, and Jessica can't attend the crew meeting. You're going to have to go into a closet first and Jessica is going to have to suck you off for a bit to give you enough incest afterglow to be immune to the waves for a short while. You're going to have to finish in her mouth."

The two of them ducked into a closet, and Malcolm whipped out his dick through his pirate pants, which was luckily already hard from her stroking him as they walked. Jessica dropped to the floor and put her mouth on it as she started to suck it vigorously.

"This might take awhile, won't they notice my absence?" Malcolm asked Donny and Marie through his communicator.

"They're pirates, they take awhile to organize since they're all off getting drunk in various parts of the ship. Also the ship is quite large so it takes some of them awhile to all get to the central deck, so you have fifteen to twenty minutes. Don't linger too long, though," Donny responded.

Malcolm looked down into Jessica's beautiful blue eyes as she moved her lips back and forth and started to fondle his balls.

"This course of action won't be enough, guys," Marie told them, "you can't do this in silence; you need more incestuous dirty talk. Do it, pretend like it's your first time! Call each other brother and sister as much as you can, go crazy with it, talk about how wrong it is or whatever."

Jessica took her lips off his cock for a minute, creating a popping sound. "Oh, beloved little brother, I want your cock so badly. I can't believe I am able to touch and taste it."

Malcolm felt a bit weird about being forced to use these type of phrases -- their love was pure and true, this exaggerated talk almost seemed to be making a mockery of it. Still, the fate of the world was on the line, so he went along. "This is wrong, sister," Malcolm responded as he grabbed the back of her head and shoved it back onto his cock. "This is incest, we are not supposed to be doing this. Sisters are not supposed to suck their brothers' cocks. But that's probably why I like it so much. Please continue taking my dick, sister."

After about 15 minutes of this Malcolm was ready to cum, and he unleashed his semen down Jessica's throat as they got up to compose themselves.

Malcolm was apprehensive about being here and his mission before, but felt much better and more confident now that his sister sucked him off. He could see that what Morgan Freeman said earlier about incest reinforcing positive genetics and creating good vibes was true.

Jessica ran to hide in a nearby closet close to the central deck, while Malcolm entered the central deck with dozens of other pirates and stood in line with the rest of the rank and file.

Malcolm stood next to a burly older pirate with an eyepatch and a wooden leg, who turned to him. "Yarr, goods to see you, Barnacle Bill. I see you've shaved off that mangy orange mop on yer face."

"Huh? Oh, right, yes, I sure did. I mean, umm, I sure did...matey. Yarr, yo ho, yo ho, and a bottle of rum and all that," Malcolm responded. Okay, seriously, how the fuck did none of them realize he wasn't the same person?

Suddenly, the doors to the central deck opened and out walked a man dressed in traditional ancient Roman garb, who stood out in stark contrast to the disheveled ragtag group of pirates.

"What was up with this guy?" Malcolm thought to himself. "The loudspeaker said he was 'Admiral Caesar,' he couldn't actually be Julius Caesar, could he be? That would probably be the 17th or 18th most bizarre thing I've seen in the last few days."

Caesar began to speak, addressing all the pirates in the crowd. "Listen up, you band of old seahands. We have a challenge on our hands. Back in my day in ancient Rome, I was more typically used to working with trained soldiers. But I've been around you for so many centuries that I've seen what you're capable of, and I know the Supreme Commander and I can count on you to destroy this threat to our existence and our mission. We're going to need all of your strengths, because we are under attack."

The pirates murmured and gasped. One from the crowd asked "Yarr, what kind of attack, Admiral?"

"Our archenemies, the Council of Incest, believes they have found the 'Chosen Ones' and they have sent them to destroy us. They are most likely already on the ship, maybe even dressed as one of you to try to infiltrate us. Seek them out, and destroy them," Caesar responded. He then turned towards one of the pirates. "Peg-Leg Pete, as our lookout man, have you seen any hostile spaceships in the area?"

"Aye, indeed I haves, sir," Peg-Leg Pete responded, "just a glimmer o' one, which dodged us before it escaped. Those scallywags are most certainly aboard."

"Unfortunate," Caesar responded. He then turned towards Malcolm's section of the crowd. "Barnacle Bill, as our head of security, have you noticed any breaches?"

There were a few moments of silence. Malcolm wasn't sure what was going on. Then he remembered. Oh crap. HE was Barnacle Bill.

He slowly resolved himself to speak. "Umm, no sir, not yet sir...matey...sir," Malcolm hesitantly replied. "Those...snakebit...sons of biscuit eaters...haven't made their move yet. But we'll have them walk the plank soon enough. Shiver me timbers, avast, and so forth and so on."

"Very well," Caesar responded with a wry smile. "Everyone back to their stations and prepare."

Malcolm was relieved that he somehow wasn't discovered, and he started to walk down the hallway before Caesar stopped him. "Except you, Barnacle Bill. I need to have a discussion with you."

"Um, aye, yes, of course, sir."

Julius Caesar walked up to Malcolm, and eyed him up and down closely. Crap. Malcolm knew he blew it. He wondered what was going to happen now, if he had to make a move.