All Comments on 'Talla's Fallen Temple Ch. 04'

First Post! – Just Kidding. : )

Great use of foreshadowing to engage the readers' interest in the story.

Nice detail to the world, maybe not to the point of a Tolkien or Rowling, but you have clearly taken the time to figure out some of the economy, infrastructure which always helps to add depth to a story. Perhaps seeding a few more legends that which help paint how the world got to this state. You already have introduced a vehicle via the lessons the girls are required to attend, but the legends themselves seem very broad, few names – very general. Yes, the gods might have given the first Godess the gift of upgrades, and the contraceptive herbal knowledge, did they also hand her a big ole bucket of synergist (sounds kind of scientific) to ignite the process or were those first upgrades a grueling process. Did they give her a recipe? How is it made (let me guess – Within is involved and its a secret). Is the whole “gift of the gods” thing ultimately a smokescreen? Maybe that’s why the temple keeps everything so broad. Maybe an ancient civilization engineered a bio-weapon/gene alteration to keep their enemies docile and it got out of hand and affected them too. The catatonics certainly suggest that at least some of the men are now completely dependent on the temple. The ferals might be a natural but terrible reaction/defense to this change like the Reavers in the “Firefly/Serenity” series. A good over-arching story that goes beyond the characters can add a beautiful backdrop, and give them something to discover. It's quite possible that you already have something in mind - in which case - please forgive my impudence.

Consider invoking our other senses more often to really immerse us in the world. Is it humid? Take the sense of smell for example; Does the office of the Goddess have the scent of sandalwood incense? Does the Sorceress of Strength smell of fresh milled soap? Does the smell of sulfur from the Second of Abundances latest batch of explosive seem to linger on her despite every attempt to cover the smell. Perhaps signaling that the young second - while brilliant - is still obsessed with flashy possibly dangerous things. A sign or raw intellect and ability not quite matured into wisdom. How do Abundances officers feel about the second bringing high-explosives into the highly guarded domain of Principea Endowment? The guards of many high officers are checked for weapons, I could see quite a bit of comic relief as Endowments guards search a harried Atreya's pockets after summoned to an impromptu meeting. “Oh, that explosive . . .” These little foils can really help to highlight a subsequent contrasting dramatic scene. Atreya might be head architect/engineer someday - she's no dummy - but she doesn't always consider the consequence of her actions.

Margret Weisss used the scence of smell to great effect with her character Raislin (a dark wizard who dabbled in necromancy among other things, but always tried to cover the scent with roses). In many ways it signaled that while he was knowledgeable, he was tricky, and thus his knowledge was not always to be trusted.

I would love to have more details on advancement but you might have left that purposely vague. Sounds like maybe they get a chance to up grade with every completed service bundle (Virgins and initiates start at 52 service units/bundle.) With maybe a yearly testing match complete with upgrade payoff to see what they learned. Neophytes and higher require more units of service to advance, but then they are getting more powerful upgrades.

How are Seconds chosen? Certainly Talla got Abundances and Atreya's attention, what are the protocols for selection. If Goddesses rarely live past 40. Then a Second would have to be chosen shockingly young if they have a hope of ascending three additional ranks to goddess by age 32-33. Presumably Sorceresses with significantly less perfection than Godessess last significantly longer than 6 years. It must be strange to be tapped as a Second at age 22 or 23 and suddenly out-rank an veteran officer like Lara with “nearly sixty upgrades to her name.” Suddenly everybody knows you, every-bodies watching you and everyone expects great things from you. Atreya's gaffe of a quadruple upgrade is much more sympathetic, when she might well be younger and less experienced than her “sisters” Shanata and Pril. The mentoring of a Sorceress and a staff of seven or more officers is nothing to sneeze at, but even good mentoring take time. Atreya has only had two years as a Second.

Talla appears to be able to source double upgrades without synergist and I think she might figure it out. Who does she go to? Shanatta, Pril, Abundance, or does she hold it in reserve for future temple conspirators If Endowment/Abundance finds out do they trust Form? Will it start a conflict? What lengths would Sweetness go to sweep it under the rug. Within controls the doctors and thus – to an extent - the verification. If it was Talla that truly sourced/broke Elleta's seal with a double upgrade is she a female-source-seal-breaker. If so will the other divisions argue that she should be rotated to general duty, for the greater good once she gets other upgrades? Or will Form seek to eliminate her as a potential threat to temple orthodoxy?

I would love to know the significance of the blue glow from Talla/Zhallo the night the iron adept was following them in Book1. The description seems to match a upgrade, but much stronger. Did Zhail'o imprint further upgrades on Talla? He had previously conveyed a double in point to Nadine so maybe after that crazy night Talla has an upgrade or two in point as well. If so how quickly does it become apparent/she figure it out. Once Zhailo gets released to general, he will be able to sample other upgrades possibly transferring them to Talla. Since most of the non-conservative divisions prolly allow doubles to break seals (Conservative =Strength, Iron and Tight). Talla could easily have 18 upgrades in several months, though she might need to slow down service to have time to meet Zhailo. We have already seen two Adepts that seemed to be little more than Keepers (4/2/2/1) with a 5 in their prime discipline Statistically, if Abundance is willing to allow Talla a five in Abundance and the doctors of within's post upgrade examination “confirms” that Talla mysteriously possesses doubles or triples in the upgraded attribute she could be an adept before she is 20.

Its pretty interesting that Zhairlo has done his heroic/catatonic/feral testing early before the age of 20. In many ways it reminds me of the grueling rites some primitive tribes use to signal full manhood although here it obviously serves a double purpose. Its possible that now he is tested that he will be expected to serve at least some duties beyond his biological age. Is he still allowed to wear the feather or has he graduated from that stage. Will the Geneticists, now see him as available for breeding, if he is goddess-born, he has a value far beyond simple seal-breaking, although that value would only be known to them. The Geneticists feel that they are so close to their goal, clearly they are eager to proceed. Look at the risks and extremes they willing to subject their own Goddess to, possibly even death due to pregnancy complications. Surly they would want to engage and use the fruit of this process to it's full advantage. Abundance has unwittingly handed the Geneticists the perfect excuse (not to mention plausible deniability) on a silver platter. Sweetness could blame both other divisions for their roles in triggering Zhair'lo's early eligibility, and so positioned might not make seal breaking their top priority, which might really upset Form. I suspect Form's uncompromising policy’s have might left them with even more sealed virgin's than Endowment began with. Form might find itself hoist by it's own petard. Talla may not like Point's barrage of doubled upgrades, but clearly Point knows how to clear a docket.

Lots of potential conflict on the horizon. Endowments sealed virgins are nearly cleared so the 1/3rd time he spends in Endowment after being released to general duty might well be spent matched with high-ranking endowment women. Since Endowment 's cleared their docket, they might not care. Clearly Abundance herself has thought of him and would be willing if it were not improper. As the other divisions' “sealed-virgin dockets” are slowly cleared, such a role might be expanded to them as well. He might even meet up with Sonja (Acolyte II-might count as “high ranking”) after all, but in a very different context. She might have a hard time accomplishing her “mission.”

You have left yourself with some wonderful plot points to explore – and generously allowed us on the jouney. Can't wait to see how you resolve them. Keep up the great work!

That's some serious examination of the world I've created. I'm flattered by your analysis.

I don't want to give away plot points, obviously, but you've definitely hit on some important subjects:

Upgrade Examinations

The traditional sticking points between Divisions based on their philosophies

The way and order in which gifts of the Gods were given

The nature and origin of the heroic/catatonic/enraged behaviours.

Those are all important things.

I'm glad though, that you've taken the time to notice these things. I've read through your comments twice now to make sure you haven't noticed some gaping plot hole. (I'm all right there, I think, although you've made some inferences that go slightly astray of where I'm going. That's probably a good thing as there's no reason to be completely predictable.)

Also, I guess I should find some sandalwood incense and find out what it actually smells like. I'm more partial to dewberry and lilac and occasionally vanilla.

Most of the questions you're asking will come up in this book (or the next?), which isn't saying they'll be answered right away ... but I do intend to leave the readers with a complete picture of the world I meant to make.

Thanks.

Xavier.

xtorch

Although I can never match the analysis that my fellow Literotican has shared, I would however like to say ...

THIS IS A GREAT STORY!

I love the plot and it is interesting to see what may develop in the near future.

1 request though, the gaps are too long!! I find myself checking everyday and nothing :(

Although I may not always give feedback, know that there's always that one person who loves you writing and there's plenty more like me ;)

Take Care Mate!

Nice comment about growth for it's own sake! That's a nice ribbing towards economists. :)

What would erotica be without scathing political and social commentary?

I do wish that I had more time so I could write faster. Sometimes I feel that I'm making people wait too long. I'll get a twitter account and let people know where I am.

Do erotica authors get lots of followers? Maybe.

I'd hate to be the kind of erotica author who keeps you in frustrated suspense.

Thanks, to both of you. I'll be writing tonight, for sure.

As mentioned elsewhere it appears you have a framework for the timing of everything that may be involved with the plot. However, I would be curious for a breakdown of roughly how many upgrades each level has, what the relative age is of someone in a given rank, and some of the politics involved in moving up through the middle ranks. (You,ve already touched on the sorceress and queen and goddess political intrigue a bit. I got so involved that I created a spreadsheet of what we knew about the virgins & novices thanks to Talla and what we knew about the leaders and tried to roughly fill in the blanks.

Along with the timing and the relative fast/slow performance of a member of the Temple, I'm curious about the politics/jealousies/strategies/tradeoffs/sacrifices inside ones own division no less. I guess that a lot of this the reader might learn along with Talla, huh?

I guess this the long way of saying I really enjoy this story and the level of thought that has obviously gone into it.

Now type faster or we'll send you over to Madam Justice of tight for the crime of keeping us waiting for more.

Page one, after the Queen of Form's shower "read clothing". Red clothing required.

Citation requires two hours of community service, writing additional chapter(s).