All Comments on 'Tangled'

nice story...but could have used more back story on why they wanted to fuck each other.

Great story pls write more can't wait for it.

I agree with the previous comment - you need more of a backstory and it looks really bad when you begin a story with "Hello". Some people won't bother to read past that. Keep going with this story - it has potential.

Congratulations on getting your first story published. I mean the first one published here. I encourage you to keep writing and keep sending them in. Your writing will improve with more practice. Don't pay any attention to the anonymous amateur critics who can't write and have nothing to say in the way of helpfulness. Just keep writing in spite of them.

I am going to make you a "Favorite Author" so I can check on your later stories. Good luck! Rick

Awaiting parts 2 and beyond. Daddy eventually needs to fill her ass to claim her as his and his alone. Of course, Ben might eventually learn that Cynthia is not on any type of birth control. What to do then?

Needs a reasonable amount of editing, and a little bit more back story, but you're off to a good start.

Oh yes, nice build up and great simplicity, leaving enough room to write more about this building relationship..

I work in a lingerie store and size 10 underwear fits women who wear size 24/26 clothes. My boss is close to 300 pounds and only wears size 9. Is this going to have a big, beautiful woman slant to the story or is it just a mistake?

hard on from the very first line was fantastic

It is a start. Writing is like anything else: practice makes perfect.

You used her saying dad in every sentence. That's the only thing that I didn't like.

I dont think that is true. Or at least not the normal unless they are tall or verry athletic. Most of the people i have met that wear a size ten or any size chart for women i have ever seen. Including the clothing stores i have worked the range for a ten is about 140 to 160 give or take.... sorry that commet seemed weird to me.

Love the story keep writing.

How does a person do that? Start college at age 15?

Cynthia needs to stay off birth control. She needs to get pregnant by her father ASAP. Cynthia should give birth to at least 12-18 babies for her dear father. Whenever she is home she should be barefoot, naked, & pregnant.

...appalling dialogue.

Size ten underwear is massive. To those of you who are thinking a size ten pant or dress isn't that huge please remember the sizing on female underwear (not sure about male underwear) is completely different. The average girl, not petite, not super toned with model bodies will wear anywhere between a 2-5.

The dialogue is appalling, by the way.

The author spelled ass as arse which is an English (England) version and the size 10 is actually quite petite as opposed to north americans who like to say size 0 - whatever to make themselves feel better

Pretty good. Seemed rushed in getting to the event of her catching him, or not overly smooth I guess would describe it better. ...not that doing a transition is easy, lol.

....the religious mom was kinda cliche'.

Everything else was pretty good though. At least dad didnt go on and on about it being sooooo wrong, etc. ;). Looking towards the next chapter.

Ridiculous dialogue, nobody speaks like that.

FYI, only about 5% of a cumshot is from the balls, research it.

Terrible. Why does she say dad in every single sentence? Trying way too hard.

Another UK writer trying to sound North American.

Too many English words to be convincing.

And having mom run off with a religious group is another sure fire give awzy.

No UK writer would ever write this about an Englishwoman.

If you want to write (with poor dialog) about nuts, make them from your own country! :)