Tanya

My wonderful, sexy, adorable Davey. How you have shown me pleasures and excitements and heights of ecstasy that I have never known before. And how you have loved me with your body, and your heart, filling my soul and my own heart with a contentment and a richness that will warm me and nurture me always. And yet, even as we loved together, your whole being was devoted to your Tanya, as she is devoted to you. And this was a wonderful thing for me to see, to experience, to share. To receive your love, your thoughtfulness, your care in the hours I have been with you has been the most exhilarating experience I could know. I love you, Davey, I love you so much.

And because I love you both so very, very much, and because I wanted these hours, these days, these pleasures, these warming, loving times to go on and on for ever, I knew that I could not, I could not, bear to say goodbye. I do not want to hurt you, never, never, never, but the thought of standing at your door, seeing your faces for the last time and leaving this home full of warmth and love and friendship and care, and also fun and laughter, is too much. I am weak, and I am selfish. I could not bear to leave you both that way. I am so glad, so happy, so overjoyed that I have had this time with you both. I feel so privileged that Tanya chose me for this weekend, to share these pleasures, these ecstasies, these experiences that others cannot and will not ever know. And because she chose me I have felt your love and warmth and it has grown and grown in my heart and my heart has filled with my love for you. And it is only because of you, my loving Tanya, and you, my loving Davey that these hours have been the wonderful times that they were.

And so, I cannot, cannot, cannot, bear to say goodbye to you. There is already an emptiness in my heart because I will no longer be with you both. I am writing this as I wait for the taxi. It will be here soon and our time together will have ended. I cannot tell you how sad this makes me. I will miss you both, more than I can possibly, ever say.

Thank you for your love, sweet Tanya. Thank you for your love, sweet Davey. I will treasure it always. Take care of yourselves, always. I know you will take care of each other. I love you, both of you, and I always will, from the very, very bottom of my heart.

My loving kisses for you both.

Your little Toni-girl.

I folded the letter and placed it gently on the table.

"Call her," I said. I handed her the mobile and she dialled mechanically.

"Straight to mailbox," she said tonelessly. "She switched it off." She looked at me with her tear-stained face and I gently lifted her from the chair and held her close, saying nothing, just caressing her and holding her and being with her.

We stood there, two people in the middle of the room, two people loving each other with all their hearts, but feeling sad and drained and yes, suddenly lonely.

And the house, silent all around us, seemed terribly, terribly empty.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Tanya and I were taking one of our frequent evening strolls. We had just spent the afternoon in bed so we weren't out looking for somewhere to have more sex, we were just enjoying a pleasant Autumn early evening.

Six weeks had passed since that weekend. Nothing had happened then to affect the relationship and feelings between Tanya and me. If anything it had strengthened them. We still enjoyed all the things together we had before, our company, our bodies, our foreplay and our sexual adventures together. Our orgasms were still as good, strong and exhausting as they had been. That weekend had been nice, but it had just been a delicious, short sexual adventure in our lives and we were both happy to have had it, but neither of us felt anything was lost from our own love for the lack of it. We were content together, as we had been from day one. And my beloved girl still always seemed to know what I was thinking before I said it.

Tanya had tried to call Toni day after day, into the evenings, three, four times a day but without success. She used my phone too, and tried using withheld numbers, but nothing worked. We eventually decided that Toni had got herself another phone or number, and no longer used this one. We'd left messages; they were not returned. And after a while, we stopped.

Apart from an odd comment by one of us in the days immediately after that, neither of us had spoken much about the weekend, or Toni, since then. Not because it was embarrassing, or taboo. We didn't need to speak about it. It was nice, it was short, it had ended sadly and we wished it hadn't, but it was over, and we had each other to ourselves again with nothing lost from our love.

I didn't know if Tanya ever thought about Toni. She probably did. I did from time to time, a sad nostalgia in my heart as I remembered her, and my thoughts idly drifted to her now, recalling her figure and body, her sweet taste and the light in her eyes when she was especially excited or happy, our time together and how she had made us laugh, and I recalled her orgasms and how she had enjoyed herself with us. My thoughts idled away, not with regret, but with a pleasant feeling that she had brought extra pleasure to Tanya and I, and we in turn had given her pleasure she had either missed for so long or not known before. But I remembered it all with a certain sadness, too.

So it shouldn't have been a shock, but it was, when Tanya suddenly said, "You came to love her a lot, didn't you?"

(How does she do that?)

"Yes," I agreed thoughtfully. "I did love her a lot."

"I loved her too," Tanya said. "I loved her in my way, and you did too." She was silent for a while as we strolled along. Then she asked,

"Do you still miss her?"

"No," I said promptly. "The memories, yes. Her no, because I have you. Even Toni could not replace you, or the way I feel about you, or what we have together. You know it and I know it. Yes, of course I remember what she did to me, and to you, and what we all shared. I remember it with great pleasure, but miss her? No, I don't miss her."

I wondered what all this was leading up to. Surely Tanya had no doubts about us? Did she perhaps think that I missed Toni so much that I wanted to be with her instead of my Tanya after all?

"Sweetheart, surely you can't think that---"

"Would you like her to come again?"

"I would love her to cum again," I assured her.

She hit me on the back. Gently.

"Lump! You know what I mean!"

I took her shoulders and turned her to face me. I regarded her seriously for a moment or two.

"How can that be?" I told her softly and gently, brushing her lovely flowing hair from her face. "Listen, you know very well that I will do anything you like to give you pleasure, both in bed and out of it. My life revolves around making you happy. I love giving your body pleasure. Of course I loved what Toni did to me and to you too. I loved our weekend together. To love you, and her, and to know her love in return was……." I fell silent, hunting for the words, but Tanya was nodding a little and she knew. "But she is gone. So I don't miss it and I don't need it when I have you. Do you understand, woman?" I finished, jokingly severe.

"Yes, sir. I understand master," she replied submissively. And then she added softly, "I thought you would feel that way. I hoped you would feel that way. But I wanted to hear it from you."

"You had doubts!" I said in alarm.

"No, no, no, I didn't," she answered earnestly. "None whatsoever Davey baby. I thought I had judged right, but I wanted to hear it."

"You always judge me right," I sighed. "You're very good at it."

Tanya nodded. "Lump. You're a book."

"Hmmph! Don't know if I like that."

"A sex book. A fantastically exciting and erotic one. Positively debauched."

"That's alright then."

We strolled on.

"Do you miss her?" I asked.

Tanya said slowly, "No, sweet Davey. I don't miss her. But I remember how it was, and I remember my feelings towards her while she was with us. Nice, warm, loving feelings. I still have those feelings in my heart towards her. And so do you, lump, and I know it!" She paused and considered. "So I suppose, if I miss anything at all, it's being able to give those feelings to her. To show her how I feel." She paused again then looked at me earnestly. "Do you understand me, Davey baby?"

Since Tanya's whole being is always focussed on giving to me and loving me, I understood perfectly.

"Yes," I answered. "I do. Because that's how I feel if for some reason I can't show you how I feel. And I had a lot of pleasure when I saw in her eyes that she appreciated our giving, she loved us for it."

"That's not the only pleasure you had from her," Tanya said darkly, nudging me in the ribs.

"Nor you!" I returned with a grin. "But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about pleasure inside, in the soul, in the heart. I'm talking about missing loving her and showing it, giving it. And so are you," I added, "and I know that."

Tanya nodded. We strolled on a little more, enjoying the evening air, the sounds around us and the fragrance of early Autumn as golden leaves scrunched underfoot, and we enjoyed the simple pleasure of just being together. She squeezed my hand.

"So it doesn't matter to you if she was to visit us again, or not?"

Again I wondered where this was going. I know my Tanya and I felt instinctively that there was a real purpose behind all this but I couldn't for the life of me work out what it was. We had not heard from Toni or seen her since the day she left our home but Tanya's words still seemed to hint to me that she harboured doubts in some way. I grabbed her shoulders again and faced her, looking at her lovely eyes and mouth which I just had to kiss, very gently and tenderly.

"Now listen to me," I began. "You are the most important thing in the world to me. Yes, I know that sounds trite or corny but that doesn't make it any less true. You and I have something that is so special, so rare, so completely whole, that I doubt if another man or woman in ten million could say the same. Have we ever argued? Have we fought? Has there even been so much as a cross word between us? No. We understand and know each other as well as we know ourselves. The way we are together, our shared thoughts, the way we complement each other's lives and fulfil them, is something that most people will never know, and die without ever having sampled such togetherness for a minute, never mind living daily. You have my heart, absolutely, completely, fully, without any restrictions, doubts or hesitation. We are like sun and rain, you and I. Our two lives are one, and all sun is no good without rain and all rain is useless without sun, and that is what makes our two lives one whole one, and it blooms and flowers and grows and is spectacular because of that."

Tanya had taken a step back from me so that my arms were at full length to hold her shoulders. She stared at me.

"And as long," I went on, "as there is rain to complement the sun, and sun to complement the rain, then life will continue to thrive and grow. It doesn't need more than that. So whether or not you add something else to it temporarily doesn't matter. It won't affect the long-term result. That whole life will thrive and grow. So it doesn't matter whether Toni or any other girl is a fleeting part of our whole life. It is there anyway, thriving, growing, blossoming and giving each of us separately astounding pleasure, contentment, and happiness. And because we are human beings, love is added to that sun and that rain. It is the earth that the sun warms and the rain refreshes and all together it makes a wonderful, natural, incredibly special thing that you and I are blessed with. I have you. You have me, and together we are whole and we are more than the sum of our parts. I know this. I have understood this since I first met you, and that is why my love for you is so strong, so all-encompassing, so indestructible. If I am the rain, you are my sun. I need you to make my life whole, and you do. I do not need anything else to make it whole. Anything else added to it is a bonus, but not necessary. I love you with all my heart and nothing and no-one could ever affect that, or take it away. So the answer to your question is, it doesn't matter to me if Toni comes to us again or not. Or anyone else, for that matter. It's nice, it's as if there was an extra long, bright sunny day to my rain, but I don't need it because I have my sun in my life already, every single day and every single night, and it's you."

I looked at Tanya. Her chest was heaving, her shoulders rose and fell. She stared at me and made a noise.

"Uh –uh—uh," and then she was flying at me, her hands curled into fists and she was pounding them at my chest so hard I had to take a step back. I thought for a moment that she was furiously angry and then I realised she was sobbing her heart out.

"What is it?" I asked, dumbfounded. "What did I do? What did I say?"

She sobbed and sobbed and now she was resting her fists against my chest, her head lowered and her shoulders shook and heaved. She tried to speak but struggled for breath between the sobs.

"Y-y–y you said, - you bastard!"

(I'm sure I didn't say that?)

"Y-y you said the n- n- nicest words –uh – I h- h- have ever heard in my h- h- h- whole life, from any w- w- one ever!"

My arms went round her and I cuddled and hugged her.

"Sshh! Sshh! Don't cry," I murmured into her hair. "Sshh. If they were nice words, why are you crying?"

And then the words came tumbling out, punctuated by her sobs.

"Y- y- you bastard. I c- c- couldn't believe w- w- what I was hearing and it made me so h- h- happy to hear them and I w-w- wanted to laugh and jump and t- t- t- tell you and it m- m- made me want to love you even m-m-more than I do and---" she began to slap me across my shoulderblades every few words, "it gave me a pain in my heart because I c- c- can't love you any more than I do and that made me s- s- sad and if ever there was any w- w- one that I wanted to hear words like that from it's you and you said them and I was sad because I can't love you more than I do and I want to and I wanted to tell you and my heart felt as if it was going to burst because I love you so much I was angry because I can't love you more and because I was sad and I should've been happy and that made me more angry and that made me sad that I was angry and I'm crying and I love you so much you lump and you're a bastard!"

"Yeeesss. Well, that's all perfectly clear now," I sighed. Her fists were again resting against my chest and I hugged her tightly, partly out of sheer love and partly to stop her slaps which were actually beginning to hurt.

She continued to sob as I stroked her hair and her cheek.

"I love you, Davey," she whispered after a while. "I do love you so very, very much it makes my heart ache."

I really didn't know how to respond to this. Was this a good thing or a bad thing? I made do with cupping her small face in my hands, gazing into her eyes and murmuring,

"My heart is also full of love Tanya. For you. My special, special girl. It will always be full of love for you, no matter what."

And then I just held her, waiting until the sobs had passed and she was quiet. I pulled my hanky from my pocket and gently wiped away the tears and the streaks on her face.

"Shall we go home?

She nodded, sniffed and took my hanky to dry her face again and blow her nose. We turned and started to retrace our steps homewards.

"And after all that," she said, the last few, dry, sobs escaping her, "I didn't even a –a - ask you the thing that was most im – p -- portant."

My arm was round her shoulder and I squeezed it gently.

"What did you want to ask me, my sweet little Tanya?"

She sniffed a couple of times and used the hanky again.

"I've found her. I spoke to her. I w-w-wanted to ask you if you would like it if T-T-Toni came to live with us."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

This is not a work of fiction.

It is a true story.

Only the names of the characters and the author

have been changed to protect their identities.

To those cynics and scoffers who have read this story who do not believe that the

characters could be real, who do not believe that a love such as described here can

exist, to those who do not believe that there are people in the world for whom the

driving force, their 'raison d'etre', is to ensure the pleasure and happiness of

their lover, or who have never experienced the feelings of a reciprocal love

so overwhelming, so complete, so ecstatic, so absolute that it almost hurts,

I have these words for you:-

If you have never seen the fiery light of a shooting star

blazing its way across the heavens, if you have never

witnessed first hand the colours of the

Aurora Borealis playing in the night sky,

that doesn't alter the fact that

they exist.

They do.

You are unlucky. You are the ten million.

To those prudes who have read this story, in whole or in part,

who are shocked and horrified and revolted by the characters

and the way they have behaved, the things they have said

and the things they have done, to themselves and to others,

I have these words for you:-

Until you first taste an apple, you won't know if you like it.

The situations and events described in this story will be

unacceptable to most people. But that doesn't alter the fact that

they exist.

There are people

for whom such activities, shared with another, or with others,

heighten their pleasure, strengthen the bond of their love,

enhance their experiences, enrich their lives.

They are not decadent people.

They are not depraved people.

They are not sick people.

They are just not you.

* * * *

"I have lived completely.

I have loved absolutely.

And in this world, that is without peer."

Christopher Barton

Northumberland

2003