Testing Theories - Herbyingarlm©
Note: I've submitted two stories with the his and hers perspectives, so you can read either or both (or neither). The sex scenes here are purely m/f but the characters cross over with my gay male story Going Out.
* * * * * *
When I woke it was a moment before I realised where I was. The room was unfamiliar, and there was an arm around me and a warm body against mine. I grumbled slightly as I felt myself being pulled back into his body and held tight, but when I did remember how I had ended up here I couldn't help smiling. I moved a little and felt my muscles complain from the workout I had had last night. A moment later all rational thought left me as he started to put small kisses along my neck and shoulders, and I shivered in delight and moaned, encouraging him to continue and content to stay in his embrace as long as I could. It had been a long time coming, but I'd finally got just what I wanted.
* * * *
His name was John. I met him by accident one night months ago, drunkenly wandering up to him thinking he was someone else. I knew his twin brother and in my inebriated state it hadn't occurred to me that he wasn't Nick. His puzzled look when I gave him a hug made me realise my error pretty quick, but he hadn't seemed to mind all that much, nor had he wanted to let me go. At the time I didn't think much of that fact, but now I knew he had wanted me from that moment. If only I had sorted out what I wanted sooner.
When I'd first met him, I thought he was good looking, but I wasn't single so didn't really think about him that way. Pure thoughts didn't last all that long though because he was so kind and we had so much in common. The more time we spent together the more I began to realise that I wanted him, and the more I felt each time he touched me or looked at me. Mind you, I assumed that he wasn't interested. It's not that I am ugly but certainly not model material -- a bit of extra padding and a sweet but not strikingly pretty face. I get on well with men but I don't know what to do if they start to flirt.
As the months had gone by though I found myself thinking more and more about him and what he would look like naked, how his hands would feel on my body, what noises he would make as I played with his dick. I felt guilty not only because I was already in a relationship but also because he was my friend and I didn't want to end up feeling awkward about him. I had a stash of fantasy scenarios in my mind that I used if I wanted to get myself off so that I didn't have to think about anyone real, but it wasn't working. Each time I would lie down and play with myself, rubbing my fingers over my clit until I came and saw stars, I would start off imagining the guys that didn't exist but by the time I came it was him playing with me and making me feel so good.
Then came the night of our row, and the start of over three months when I hadn't seen him. I had gone round to his house. He shared with his twin, who was dating my best mate James and so I had started going round to see them too. We would all sit and chat and watch films, and when James and Nick sneaked off to their bedroom, he and I would be left to talk and had built up a good friendship as well. That night though he had confessed he had feelings for me. Despite all the time I had spent lusting after him I freaked, and accused him of only wanting what he couldn't have. He told me that I was only running away from him because I was too afraid if I so much as touched him I wouldn't be able to control myself. I ran out of the house that night, and although I had missed him like crazy for months, I made myself stay away.
* * * *
As I lay in bed, getting more and more turned on by his attention, I ran the events of the last day over in my head, thanking my lucky stars that everything had worked out in the end, and amazed how much things had changed in such a short time.
It had all started the previous day over lunch with James. We'd been chatting about life in general, and about my recent break up with my boyfriend.
"So what's next?" asked James.
"Coffee?" I replied, knowing this wasn't what he was asking. He pulled a face at me in response. "I know what you mean, but I'm not sure I'm ready for making any big decisions right now."
"'You can't seriously tell me you are upset about the split with Gary? He wasn't right for you and you know that already or you'd be sitting here crying into your chips."
I smiled at that. He was right, and I didn't have to get over that relationship. If I was honest with myself it had been on the rocks for a long time but it was easier to stay with something comfortable rather than end it and look for something new. The irony was that I had had the chance of something special and I'd blown it to stay with Gary.
James continued. "I think I should start looking for contenders for the new boyfriend. After all, you did find mine for me, it's only right that I return the favour."
"It's okay, really. And I didn't have to do much to get you hooked up, it was pretty much only introductions. I'm sure I can sort myself out in time, I don't need you on the case!"
James looked at me with a wicked smile. "So I just need to find a man who is right under my nose, no effort spent. How about John?"
I spat out the sip of drink I had just taken, thankfully back into the glass rather than all over the table and our meals. I glared at him.
"Sorry. It's just he's been such a miserable sod lately it would solve two problems at once. I know you two have issues."
Issues was a little of an understatement, but I had never told James the events of that night or the reason for the argument. I hated hearing that John wasn't himself and knowing that I had made him unhappy. If I could undo it I would, but I didn't think there was much I could say now to make things right.
There must have been a strange look on my face as I thought this over, because James was looking at me intensely, almost as if he was trying to read my mind.
"I haven't asked all this time Cass, I figured you would tell me eventually, but I would like to know what happened. You seemed so cool with him and then all of a sudden there was that row and you haven't been round the house since. He won't talk to his own brother about it, let alone me."
He stopped and looked at me almost pleading for a reply with his gaze. I sighed loudly. It was probably time I unburdened myself.
"If I tell you, none of this gets back to him, alright? If you tell Nick you have to make him promise he won't talk to John about it."
"I promise. I'll not even tell Nick if you don't want me to."
I took a swig of my drink, and wished there was some alcohol in it as I wondered how I could tell James the story of me and John and the relationship that never was. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.
"'You know I used to stay and talk to him after you and Nick snuck off." James nodded but didn't interrupt me just then. "We used to chat for ages before I went home and got on really well. It was like that for months, until that night, everything was good."
I paused, unsure how to tell him the events of that night.
"It must have meant a lot to him as well. I know he misses you," he said softly. "I haven't seen him so... withdrawn in all the time I've known him. I know that you probably don't want me to say this, but I think you should talk to him. Can't you sort it out so you find your friendship again?"
"I'm not sure that I can be friends with him," I replied. "We had a big row, you know that. We both said some nasty things and it won't be easy to get over that. Plus he put his feelings out there, and I walked away. You can't just be mates with someone after they tell you they are in love with you."
James looked really shocked. "He said that? I had no idea. It explains a lot though, especially how much of a pain in the arse he has been moping about. Nick has been trying to get him to talk but he won't, and I didn't think there was anything that those two wouldn't talk about."
He started smiling thinking about Nick and I knew he was reliving some recent sexual adventure they'd had by the glazed look on his face. It was enough to make me laugh, which was a surprise given that what he was telling me about John was nearly breaking my heart. How could I try and make up with him if I had hurt him that badly?
Anyway, I didn't want to be John's friend. I wanted him naked and sweaty pounding away at my pussy. That seemed to be all I had been thinking about lately and I was almost permanently horny. Sex with Gary had been okay in the beginning, but he had never been the greatest lover, and by the end of our relationship I was lucky if he wanted it more than a couple of times a month. The longer I knew John the more I realised that if I kept seeing him I was going to be unfaithful and I wasn't up for that. Much as things weren't right, Gary was a sweet guy and I didn't want to hurt him. We were good friends but that really should have been all.
"He was fairly drunk that night," I continued. "I think he had got that way so he could talk to me, but it didn't help him be rational or calm about it. He told me that he was sure I wasn't happy with Gary and he knew he could make me happy. He said he wanted me, and asked me to break it off to be with him. He said that he knew I felt the same way and was stopping myself from getting close to him because I knew I couldn't trust myself to be around him and not end up in his bed."
James looked increasingly shocked as I detailed the highlights of the argument. As I stopped he drew in a breath.
"Oh my God. That was pretty intense." I nodded in agreement. "So you stopped seeing him because he put all that out there and you couldn't have the friendship that you wanted when he made it clear he wanted a lot more."
"Not exactly," I replied, going slightly red and looking down at the table top rather than at James. There was a pause while he took in my reaction.
"Shit! You did want him." I went redder. "How long? Why didn't you tell me?"
I kept looking at the table, but it was out there now so I replied.
"A long time. I loved spending that time alone with him. I tried to kid myself it wasn't because I liked him in that way, but I knew it wasn't true. I hated having to leave him and go home to Gary, but I didn't want to hurt Gary by being unfaithful. I was fairly sure he liked me as well, but I tried to convince myself it was my imagination. He was absolutely right when he argued with me, I was putting barriers up so I didn't end up throwing myself at him.
That's why I stormed out, he had me worked out perfectly, but I was angry with him for the way he dealt with it and not leaving me any excuses to spend time with him without it becoming more. I didn't think I could end my relationship to start one with him. Also, he was being an arse about the whole thing because he was drunk. It seemed easier to push him away and stay with Gary. And I didn't tell you because of you sharing a house with him and being with Nick, it's too complicated."
"So I'm just supposed to go home tonight and pretend like I don't know he's in love with you, knowing that you've sat here and admitted you feel the same?"
"I didn't say I was in love with him," I said quickly.
James gave me a look that suggested he didn't quite believe me. I wasn't sure I believed myself, either.
"Okay, maybe not, but you obviously think a great deal of him, and you don't think you can control your feelings around him without taking it further. That's quite a lot of lust at the very least. Now I really think you should talk to him. If you already know how he feels about you, and you said he was right about how you felt, what harm can there be in seeing where it goes?"
"I know how he felt three months ago, before I shouted at him and told him he knew nothing about me and should keep out of my life. And now I know he's been hurting since then. How can I suddenly turn up and put everything right after that?"
I wished I could though. I had an image in my mind of going to see him and him being glad that I had come, taking me in his arms to kiss me and tell me he still wanted me, and it wasn't too late to make things right. Then he would take me to his bed and we would spend the night touching and feeling each other and making love as long as we had the energy.
"Earth to Cassie," said James, suddenly bringing me out of my thoughts.
I blushed because I had been miles away, with John kissing and holding me. "Sorry James, I was just thinking."
"Yes, I can tell what you were thinking as well. Or at least I have a good idea but not the specifics!' he said, laughing. "I know that you pushed him away, and I know that he's been hurting, but it seems that you have too and it's clear that you want him." I blushed again, which was annoying me by now, but James was quick to carry on. "Go and see him, tell him you are sorry for what happened, suck his dick, whatever, but you can at least try and make up with him. It could be good for both of you."
"Is cock sucking the answer to all life's problems then?" I asked.
James grinned. "Always works for me!"
We both laughed at that, but I had to push the image of myself on my knees in front of John sucking on him out of my head before I ended up drifting off yet again.
As I left the pub I thought about everything that James had said. His parting shot had been to tell me that John was home that day and he and Nick would be out until dinner time.
"Go and see him, now, before you come up with any more excuses. It might not be easy, but at least you will have tried, and you will know if there is any chance for what you want. I'd expect him to start off stubborn, but he'll come round. You're easy to love, you know!"
* * * *
As I walked up to the house an hour later I was terrified. I kept thinking he would slam the door in my face, if he even opened it in the first place. I kept running ideas through my head how to start the conversation, but nothing seemed right. I was physically shaking as I ran the doorbell. It was the first time in ages I didn't have any trouble keeping my mind off him sexually, the reality of seeing him again was too scary.
The door opened and he stood in front of me. He looked amazing, beautiful blue eyes and dark hair cut short but styled messy, but I could tell he was thinner than when I had seen him last and his face looked drawn. He had comfy clothes on, a baggy old t-shirt and ripped jeans, but still looked really good to me. I thought I saw a glimmer of pleasure in his eyes as he first saw me but it soon turned to a look that was more disinterested than anything else. My heart sank, and then he spoke, coldly,
"James isn't here."
Not the best start, I thought. Certainly not him sweeping me into his arms for a passionate kiss like I'd dreamed about. I was going to have to work hard to get what I wanted, if it was still on offer.
"I know. I.. um, came to see you."
He didn't move. He wasn't slamming the door, but he didn't move out of the way or invite me in either.
"I'm sorry," I continued, looking at the floor. "Can I come in and talk to you?"
He slowly moved out of the way so I could get into the house, which was a start, but he didn't acknowledge me. Damn, James was right, he was stubborn, and he wasn't going to make any of this easy.
I moved into the front room, trying to work out what to say next. I sat down on the sofa, and he sat in one of the chairs so he was facing me but not near me. I looked up into his eyes again, and it was almost as though there was some hope in them, but his face was still blank. I started to talk again, almost stuttering as I tried to come up with the right words.
"I am really sorry. I shouldn't have run away from you like I did. I shouldn't have stayed away all this time either. I.. I missed you."
My eyes dropped to the floor again with that admission. I couldn't bear to look at him if he was going to throw me out of the house now. At that point I ran out of things to say, my mouth going dry. I was so scared that he wouldn't speak to me, or that he wouldn't have anything good to say if he did. Then he cleared his throat.
"I missed you too," he said quietly, and my eyes snapped back up to his but I still couldn't speak. "I shouldn't have said what I did, knowing that you were happy with Gary, but I'd convinced myself that you were interested in me, and I knew what was best for you."
He blushed, and it was his turn then to look down at the floor. "How is Gary by the way?"
I knew that was him pushing me away in his mind.
"We broke up," I said, rather too quickly, to try and reassure him.
Confusion flashed across his face, which was not the reaction I had been going for.
"Not that I mind, but why are you here?"
"I saw James earlier. We were talking and he persuaded me that I should come and talk to you. I was scared to. I didn't think you would want to talk to me after I did the three minute mile getting out of here."
He smiled slightly at that, which relaxed me a bit, but he was clearly still trying to keep me away and not get any more hurt.
"I suppose he told you I have been a wreck since you left," he said, grimacing.
I looked at the floor again. "Not exactly. But it made it worse thinking that I had hurt you. He convinced me that I should try and make things up with you, at the very least apologise."
"So what do you want from me?" he asked.
There was a silence, I didn't know what to say for a moment, and then words came stumbling out.
"I wanted to see if we could still be friends. I wanted to see you again because I missed you a lot. I hoped that I could test some theories."
He looked very puzzled at that. "What theories?"
"Mine that you only wanted me because you couldn't have me... and yours that I was pushing you away because I couldn't trust myself to be around you."
These were almost the last things we had said to each other before I left the house the last time I had seen him. I hoped that they might have some effect, and also let him know that I was interested in being more than friends, without actually having to say it. I knew what I wanted but I was still terrified that he wouldn't want me after I had hurt him.
He seemed to be thinking for a moment, and then he stood up and came and sat on the sofa beside me. Not touching me, but having been thinking about him for all this time it was all I could do not to reach out and grab him. It didn't seem like a good idea though. He looked at me, and it was the first time since he had opened the door that there seemed to be much emotion in his face and in his eyes. I hoped that what he was going to say would be good, and swallowed nervously as he opened his mouth to speak.
"I know the answer to the first one. I've wanted you since we first met," he said very slowly and quietly. "I meant what I said to you, and I was hoping when I said it that you would feel the same. I hoped you would want to be with me. I still do."
He said the last words so softly that I barely heard them. He looked really scared and I wanted to kiss him to wipe the sad look off his face. He seemed to be expecting me to reject him again.
Then he looked happier and spoke again. "I don't know how you are going to test theory number two. I believe I said that I thought if you so much as touched me you would be unable to control yourself and would be throwing yourself at me. I doubt I was right."
Looking at him at that moment, especially as he seemed to be finding this thought amusing and there was a smile on his face, albeit a bit pained, I was fairly sure he was right. I know when I had gone back over our conversation that night, a million times in my head, I was sure that he was right about all of it. We had a connection all along that I had been fighting with all that I had, and once he had admitted his feelings I had not known what to do.