TGI Chronicles Pt. 1 Ch. 10

When Saturday came round, I still wasn't complete in my view of Beth's story. But at least I had some thoughts and questions, I could say something.

Again, Beth was there before me, we gathered in Rose's sitting room. It looked exactly as it had done on the Wednesday evening, accept the door was open to the garden, bathed in autumn sunlight. We sat exactly as we had before, even the mineral water on the table was the same brand.

Rose looked at us both, and then "Well Tim, I think it's your turn. What do you feel about what Beth had to say last time?"

"Well, I'm not sure I've thought it all through yet. I thought it was honest. I didn't like it all, some parts of it I hated. But I do recognise that it was very hard for Beth to talk like that, and I do appreciate that she did. I guess there are some parts where I want to shout at her WHY? They still don't make sense to me. She admits she knew it was terribly wrong from the very beginning. She even tells us that she didn't particularly like what they were doing. And yet she went on doing it. Why, for God's sake? Why?" I could feel myself getting upset, the anger and hurt were still bubbling up.

Before I could continue Rose turned to Beth "Well Beth, do you have any more you can add that might explain it in a way Tim could understand?"

"Not really. I have asked myself those questions so often. After the first time, it became steadily easier, one more time wouldn't hurt. And I can only assume that at some level I must have enjoyed it. I certainly enjoyed being driven around in a large Mercedes by a rich and successful man, I enjoyed the fine wining and dining. At first I think I enjoyed the sex, it was different, and because of that it was exciting. Then, it became dull but I guess it was the price I paid for the excitement of the rest of it, and the excitement of this secret life. And then I became hurt by it and didn't like it and I wanted out, I still don't really understand why I didn't get out sooner, I let it drift" she looked up at me "It ran the gamut from a tentative start to exhaustion in three months, and actually was at its height for only a week or two in the middle. There weren't that many times of any real meaning. But I know that's still too much, still wrong." Beth seemed brighter, more relaxed, more willing to talk. I guess, for her the worst was over. She'd done the big confession bit.

I looked at her "On Wednesday there did seem to be a lot of blame put on Ken. But he didn't force you in any way did he?"

She sat back in her chair "Oh No! Without doubt he was the one that wanted the affair to happen. He instigated it, but he didn't force me. I went into it knowing exactly what I was doing. He only made it easy for me. " she paused, as if she was going to continue, which she did "The only time I ever felt some vague possible threat was towards the end. I don't think he actually said anything that could be construed as a threat, but he did manage to make me think 'what happens if I dump him and he cuts up rough. What damage will he do? Would he then either tell you or make sure you found out?' Certainly that thought went through my head, and maybe delayed my ending it by a bit."

Rose was taking notes, and was obviously prepared to jump in as a referee, but I suspect she was happy to let Beth and myself make the running.

I thought it was time I made a small confession "Did you ever get to ride in his Bentley?"

"No never. That Bentley was a sacred object, not to be sullied by letting your mistress ride in it."

"Well, you may still have your chance." Both Beth and Rose looked mystified. So I told them of Jean's revenge, and that I was likely to become the owner of the Bentley fairly soon. Both were amazed by the story.

It was Beth who observed "Perfect Jean. That's a revenge that will hurt."

Rose took a more diplomatic route "Well, it'll be up to Beth whether she has any difficulty dealing with Ken's Bentley being in your garage." I had to admit that I hadn't thought about that, what would Beth think of me driving around in her ex-lover's old car? That wouldn't be an easy one to deal with.

"Can I ask a slightly sexual question?" I looked at Rose.

"Sure, but it'll be up to Beth whether she answers it, but go ahead."

"OK. One minor thing that has been troubling me is my birthday. Suddenly you seemed to encourage me to shave your pussy. You've never done that before. So why then? Was it for Ken or at his request?"

"No. He had said, on a couple of occasions, that he thought the shaved pussies of models and porn actresses were very sexy. But he never asked me to do it, or even hinted that I should. I don't think anyone had ever done anything like that in his life before, not for him. I was just a bit scared that he might one day try it, and I didn't want him to do that, and I was scared how I might have to explain it to you. But I think all of that was just fear in my imagination. And then, on your birthday we got into that game play. And it seemed fun, it seemed to be something that I could give you. So I wanted you to do it, but I have to admit I was relieved that it meant Ken couldn't. He never even mentioned it. Maybe he never noticed, or did notice and liked to think it was for him, but didn't dare ask in case it wasn't. I don't know." Beth was definitely happy and bright to talk about these things. I felt it was me that was being slow and cautious.

"Can I go back to the Why question, because that is at the nub of our problem. If you weren't happy, if you found you felt jealous of Bev or Frances, why didn't you talk to me? We did talk about everything."

"Because I wasn't conscious that that was how I felt. If you'd ask me then I would have said I was happy, how I was looking forward to grouting the bathroom tiles at the weekend, it was another step on the way to us building our lovely home. And that's true, I was pleased to do it, don't think I begrudged it. But when talking to Rose I began to see that it had a downside too."

Rose poured herself a glass of water, Beth and myself watched her. "Well, unless you two have anything immediately obvious that you want to talk about that comes out of Beth's story I guess we can move on a stage." she waited while we answered her with silence. "OK. Then tell me Tim, how do you view your future now?"

"I don't know. I honestly don't know. I can see no excuse for what Beth did in what she's told me...."

Rose interrupted. "I don't think she was offering as an excuse. She seems to accept her fair share of blame in this story."

"Well, I still have to ask 'Why?'. There seemed to be a bit of buck passing, to Ken obviously, and to me a bit. She seemed to imply that somehow I'd not been there for her at critical times. Well, I've searched my conscience and I don't feel guilty. If I am then I'm sorry. But I don't think I did anything but trust you and love you, Beth."

"No Tim. I'm not blaming you for one second. What I did was wrong, but I did it. No one else is to blame." Beth answered directly to me.

Rose intervened "Tell me about talking to each other, especially about sex and important emotional things." She looked at us both, obviously either could answer.

I picked up the baton, and I saw Beth give me a little half smile acknowledging that I could answer. "Well, we are open and honest with each other. I think we're pretty well balanced sexually. What our needs are and how often. We've talked about all sorts of kinks and things, but I don't think either of us was particularly into those sorts of things. I did blindfold her once, it was good, I think we both enjoyed it, but it wasn't that special, and we never did it again."

"So there were no incompatibilities at all? How were you going to keep it interesting if you weren't trying new things, and surely they weren't always a success for both of you?" Rose seemed to be wishing some problem onto us. I wondered why?

Again I chose to answer. "Well, we could always talk. I remember I want to try anal sex, but Beth wouldn't go for it. Do you remember Beth? I tried to talk you into it for quite some time before I gave up on the idea?"

Beth blushed and looked up "Well you could try it now if you wanted..."

I looked at her, my mind racing "Oh Beth. Don't tell me you did, not with him?..."

"I told you he took what he wanted, when he wanted. I'm sorry Tim. It didn't seem that...."

I had stood up and was out of the garden door in a second. After all I'd heard, after all the pain, for some reason this was important, this was the final straw. I paced Rose and Charlie's lawn, immaculate but with some early leaves of autumn lying on it. Eventually I calmed down, but I was at the side of the house when I looked up. Rose was standing at the door to the sitting room, watching me. My car was in sight on the drive. I got into it and drove off.

---

On the Sunday morning I was working at my dining table. Timesheets, progress reports and work estimates for the ITP project spread out. My laptop open. It was about noon, and I was sitting back wondering what I would do about lunch when there was a knock at my door.

It was Rose, her eyes were blazing, she was obviously furious as I stood aside and she marched into the flat, straight to the living room. As I followed her she turned round to face me "How dare you walk out on me? I know those sessions can be hard. Shout if you want to. Cry if you want to - I'll pass you a tissue and hold your hand. But never walk out. Do I make myself clear? You do not, note the word not, walk out on a session. Now your lucky, I've calmed down a bit, I've been to Church this morning and some Christian charity has rubbed off on me, because otherwise Tim Williams...."

All I could say was "I'm sorry! I was upset."

Rose paused to look at me and let out a huge sigh. "I'll make some coffee. You'd better save whatever your doing on your computer. We've got some talking to do." And she went off to my kitchen.

In about five minutes she was back with two mugs of coffee. "So, what is so special about anal sex? You'd sat through a long and painful confession from Beth only three days beforehand and I thought you behaved remarkably well. I've had clients who have thrown the furniture around at that stage. And then you walk out on this. Why?"

"I don't know. It struck a nerve. I don't know I even want to talk about it."

She sat down on the sofa and looked at me, still standing at the table, shuffling papers. "I once had a couple who had driven miles to consult me, and I wondered why. They were on the point of splitting up, and yet neither would admit to any problem. I dug deeper and deeper, week after week. Nothing. And then, eventually, I got to it. He was an infantilist. He liked to wear a nappy and have his mummy look after him. I began to have sympathy for her. Then it got worse, he liked to mess his nappy and have his mummy clean him up and give him a fresh nappy. Well, if Charlie ever went near a nappy as far as I was concerned it would be grounds for divorce. This poor woman had put up with this for years. Can you image having to change a grown man's pooped nappy as sex play? Well, OK at least I'd got to the problem. But no, I was wrong. The problem was he expected her to wash and iron the nappies ready for next time. Once he agreed to do his own laundry they went off as happy as could be. To the best of my knowledge they are still together some fifteen years later. I've heard it all, Tim, don't bottle it up just because it's sex."

She passed me my coffee and I sat down in a chair. I was smiling at her story, and her eyes were now smiling.

"Oh, I don't know Rose. It isn't that I won't talk about it. It's that I don't know what to say. Yes, anal sex is something I really wanted to try. I talked to Beth about it and she was very very reluctant, scared it would hurt. I bought the lube and everything, I got her into position a couple of times, but as soon as I started, got anywhere near her, she was sobbing. Of course I gave up. It really wasn't so important that I would upset her over it. But when I heard yesterday, well..."

"Your male ego was hurt. That's OK. I can understand that. Another man, your wife. Something you've never done. It's OK Tim."

"I guess I'll get over it in time. After all, neither of us were virgins when we met. and her previous lovers have never worried me. I know I wasn't the first guy she gave a blow job to, but then again, she wasn't the first girl to give me one. Maybe that's part of it. There was one virgin hole left. One part of her that one day would be exclusively mine, or at least no other man's. I don't think I thought like that, but may be...."

"You know, Tim. I've been surprised that sex has featured very little in this case. I'm sure that your sex life with Beth was very important to you, I know it was to Beth. And yet, you haven't ranted and raved ever about the sex between her and Ken, not that it was much from what I understand. It's been about the betrayal of the relationship hasn't it? That she shared her mind as well as her body with someone else. Well, I can understand that, but I still think the sexual side needs some consideration. That's why I raised it yesterday. "

I took a sip of coffee. "Go on."

"Well, you and Beth have had a sexual relationship for about nine or ten years. Right?" I nodded. "Well, with the best will in the world, it can get stale. A range of comfortable positions. The usual fantasies you both like to talk about. Maybe the same nights of the week, or the infamous weekend mornings in bed? Great sex, both of you enjoy it, but predictable? That's why Beth found sex with Ken exciting and different to start. Maybe you both should give thought to how you can push it on to just something new. Not kinky, not outside your comfort zones. But just different to normal. A new experience. Look, you two are happy to talk about these things, imagine the problems of middle aged couples who have been married for twenty years and can't communicate about things. You and Beth have a huge advantage."

"You speak as if you think we'll get back together?" I looked at her.

"Well I don't know that. And it's not my job. My job is to make you both understand what happened, and be comfortable with what you both do in the future, together or apart. I told you, I'm not anti-divorce."

"And myself and Beth?"

"I don't know. I know she loves you, that you're her world. But she has lost some faith in you, because on this terrible occasion, and even though she brought it on herself, you didn't come through for her when she was in a mess. She knows the facts, she accepts the responsibility, but there is still shock inside her that you didn't put your arms around her and make her mistake go away. And, I don't think you were watching her yesterday, when you told us about Ken's Bentley. I don't think she liked that."

"And me?"

"You can answer that best. I think you still love her, but I think with every day that passes, you get more used to the idea of a life without her. I think you can accommodate what she did, and live with it. You are capable of moving forward to a new life with her. I know you don't really think she would ever do it again, and I certainly think she's learned her lesson. But I think there's a little righteous voice inside of you shouting 'She must be punished. She must suffer for her sins. You can't trust a hussy like her.' But at what price, Tim? At the price of your own future happiness? I can't answer that one."

She put her coffee mug down on the table, "I must go; Charlie will be waiting for me. And I've said what I've got to say. Phone me if you want to reconvene with Beth, or talk to her direct, you don't need me there. I've done my bit, I got Beth to tell the truth. It's up to you and Beth, whatever you both decide, you don't need a middle aged estate agent fussing around you." And she got up, I kissed her on both cheeks and she was gone.

I didn't do anything about it, and I really didn't want to talk to Phil, for fear that somehow it would get back to Beth through Denny. And anyway, until I had sifted all my muddled thoughts into sensible questions, there was no problem to discuss. Time will resolve things.

Work was as busy as ever. ITP paid the other half of their instalment payment, and management thought the sun shone out of an orifice I'd never see. I was obviously doing well, Darren and Sheila were really beginning to hate my guts.

Davinia was really getting into her job and the life of the department. One afternoon I was in my office talking with Dave when she brought us some tea. Dave watched her leave the office and turned to me with the one word summation of his thoughts "Pity!". I knew how he felt. "Yes, it's a pity. But there you are, one where we both came along too late."