TGI Chronicles Pt. 2 Ch. 09

She was crying, I painfully got up out of the chair, and collected the box of tissues off the bedside cabinet and took them to her. She took one and wiped her eyes and then another to blow her nose. She looked up at me, "I'm sorry."

"No, Dav. Please. You know it wasn't like that. I was disgusted by TJ, and I don't want to see him again. And I know this is all a bit wrong, but I wasn't as bad as it looks. Promise. We can get over this."

"No, Dave. I don't want to get over this. I want to get over you."

I knew there was nothing I could say. I wanted to hold her, to bring her close to me, but I hurt too much to even try.

I held out my hand, she took it and gave it a squeeze. "You'll get over me, just like you've got over all those other girls in the past. You're the great Dave Finch, the bachelor stud of TGI."

She leant into me, her eyes were so dark and sad, the deepest violet. She gave me a kiss on the cheek, soft and gentle, and then she let go of my hand and just walked out. She didn't even look back.

I just sat on the edge of the bed, I didn't know what to feel or think. For the first time in my life I'd let one of Cupid's arrows get through my armour. And what good had it done me? I was wounded for life. I knew I could never really be the great Dave Finch, bachelor stud of TGI ever again. I wanted Davinia, that's all I really knew.

---

Tim came to collect me at about two thirty. "How are you?"

"Oh, OK, I guess. Fit to go home apparently."

"I do know. She talked to Beth for ages yesterday, and phoned again this morning. It hurts doesn't it?"

I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him, "I don't know what I'm going to do, Tim."

"It does get better, I promise. You know how destroyed I was last year by what Beth did. Well, I promise you, even after that, I got to the point where it didn't hurt anywhere near as much, and I knew I would go on to be happy again even without Beth. You will get over it. Now, are these yours?"

I looked up, he was holding a robe and some pyjamas. "No, they're the hospital's."

"So your fit to travel then? I brought Beth's car, I thought you wouldn't want to be climbing in and out of mine."

"You should have brought the Bentley. I could have sat up nice and straight in that."

"I should have, I didn't think." He smiled. "Do you know how long you're going to be off work?"

"About a couple of weeks. I won't be fully fit then, but probably OK to work. You fucking slave driver, that's all you can think about, getting me back to my desk."

"Too right. I do actually need you in work. But, why don't you take a couple of weeks holiday before then? Get away and get a bit of sun. It'll do you good, some new horizons and different people."

"I'll see. I can't think about things like that. Do you know, I did love her? For the first time in my fucking life, I fell, and what happens? She dumps me. That's what happens. Life stinks."

"I know. But I'm pretty sure she didn't love you. That's why she got out." He crouched down in front of me, looking straight into my eyes.

"She would have. She would have loved me if she'd given me a chance. She was the love of my life, Tim. She was the one that changed me."

"No, she was your first love. You haven't met the love of your life yet. You'll find her, promise. It just won't be Davinia, that's all. Now come on, time to go home."

---

I managed alright at home by myself. I found that a couple of glasses of brandy with pain killers can give you a really good night's sleep.

On the Tuesday morning, Alice phoned as soon as she heard about me at work. I gave her a status report, she was very kind and said she would take some time out to collect me and take me to my eye appointment. She even waited for me, whilst I saw the specialist, who decided there was nothing seriously wrong, but suggested I wore very dark glasses for a couple of weeks.

On the next weekend, Alice came by on the Sunday and took me out for a pub lunch, out in the country. I asked after Davinia, but she said little except that she was in at work and seemed OK.

I sat at home, realising the dreadfulness of daytime television, and getting very bored. Slowly my soreness and stiffness eased, day by day. I decided that Tim's idea of a holiday seemed good. And that gave me a good afternoon on the Internet planning what I might do. I fancied a couple of things, I found an excellent beginner's golf holiday in the Bahamas, but realised I wasn't physically up to it. I did wonder about a scuba diving holiday, swimming might be alright, but decided against it. So, I chose Italy, for its sun, beautiful art and good food.

I phoned Tim and asked if we might meet. He suggested a drink at the Black Swan, which was good. I told him about my holiday plan, he seemed happy, and said he could manage in the office. Then I asked after Davinia, he said that she had been very quiet for a few days, but she was now back to her usual self. I asked if he thought it would be alright if I asked her out to lunch, I wanted to talk to her.

"That depends." he said

"On what?" I asked.

"On what your expectations are. If you think you can talk her round, then I'm pretty sure you're wasting your time, and it will only be painful for you and embarrassing and hurtful to her. But, if you want a proper, civilised discussion to sign things off, to close it properly, then Yes."

"Oh! I have to admit I was hoping for the former. But, I've been there from the other side. I know what it's like when some girl is trying to revive something that really isn't there. I guess I'll just have to settle for your second scenario." I sighed. Tim bought me another pint, and then asked what I was going to do for my holiday.

On the last Friday of my two weeks of sick leave, I phoned Davinia in the morning, "Hi, I was wondering if I could buy you a lunch? I promise you, they'll be no hysterics, but I would just like to talk."

"Well, I don't know. I think Tim was expecting me to be around at lunch time."

Yes, and when Tim has told you I'm safe to meet, I hope you'll come, "Well, why don't you check with Tim, and phone me back? I was going to suggest Not Steinbeck's at about one o'clock."

"I'll phone you." and she rang off.

But she soon phoned me back to accept, so obviously Tim had cleared it quickly.

I got to Not Steinbeck's early. And she was on time.

She greeted me with a polite kiss on the cheek, "So, are you all better now? Tim said you're going on holiday."

"Well I'm walking wounded, and yes, I'm going to Florence for ten days, on a cookery course. It should be fun, and sunshine and the wonderful art. I hope it's good."

"You have me jealous." She smiled.

"Well I could alter the booking to two?" I looked at her and smiled.

"You know that's not going to happen."

"Yes, I know. I was just kidding." I smiled again.

We fell to silence, just drinking our wine.

"What would you like to eat?" I suddenly remembered my manners.

"Oh, just chilli in here I think."

"Good idea. I'll make it two, I'll go and order some, it's easier than waiting for a waitress."

When I got back I asked, "And how are you, Davinia? I know that dumping me wasn't the easiest thing to do." I thought we might as well address the main subject.

"Oh, I'm OK." She looked up at me, "I'm sorry Dave. It wasn't meant to be like this. I was just out of Tod and all that that had meant. I thought a quick fling with the great Dave Finch would be good. You were good for my ego, the most handsome man around, and you were chasing me. I was flattered. But it was going to be just a little affair. I'm grateful though, it got me out of thinking about Tod. You were my stepping stone to normality. But I was never in the same place as I think you were."

"You know I loved you? Being with you changed me, and for the first time you taught me to love. In my whole life, for the very first time."

"I know," she put her hand across the table and squeezed mine, and smiled, "And breaking from me taught you to admit it."

I smiled, I couldn't help it. "Yes, well. I'd have got round to it. Did you ever love me?"

She thought about that, and in the pause our chilli's were delivered. Afterwards I looked up at her, waiting for an answer.

Eventually she chose her words, "The good times were some of the happiest days of my life, but no, I don't think I ever loved you, I never felt that passion that I felt for Tod at the beginning. And the bad times were pretty bad, and there were too many of them. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I did learn a lot."

We ate our food in silence. As I poured her some more wine, I asked "Well, have you dated anyone else?"

"No, but there have been a couple who tried. Drew's asked me twice."

"Well why not say yes when he asks you for the third time. Maybe you both need to get it out of your systems. And you never know.."

"Yes I think I might. And thank you."

"What for?"

"Well I felt that accepting Drew would be somehow disloyal to you. I think I needed your permission." She looked up at me and smiled, her eyes were quite light blue. I guess in that last gesture I'd made her at least a little happy. Dammit!

We chatted on, easier now that we had established we could talk about anything. Afterwards I accompanied her back to the office, and was cheered with how welcoming and kind everyone was to see me.

I went in to see Tim, "And how was it?"

"Bloody awful. But I deserve an Oscar, I think I let her off with proper closure, and the right degree of wistfulness."

"Good, well done. Maybe one day you'll get to be friends. Oh, I've got this for you." He handed me an envelope.

"What's this?" I asked as I opened it. It was an invite to Tim and Beth's renewal of their wedding vows, followed by gathering at Charlie and Rose Bullard's house.

I read it, "Why the Bullard's?"

"Simple, they volunteered. They've got a large house, and if the weather's kind, they've got a fabulous garden. And there won't be that many of us, only a couple of dozen, so it can be there. We're paying the caterers, they are just letting us use their house, but it is very kind of them. Rose was key in making it at all possible, and it seemed right somehow. And anyway, I wasn't going to give Beth's parents the pleasure of crowing too much that we're back together by holding it at their house, instead they're putting up my parents. That should be fun for them all." He smiled.

"Well I'll be there. And for the first time, I won't be quite as sceptical as I have been at every other bloody wedding I've ever attended."

"Good, hold onto that thought." Tim came round from his side of the desk, and just took me in a hug. "Mind my fucking ribs, you brute!" I smiled. It felt good.

---

The holiday was good. I learnt some good cooking tips, but too much time was spent on learning to make pizza dough. And vital as good pizza is to the world of gastronomy, I didn't need two days of it. And working that dough was one of the few things that still hurt my chest and wrist. But lying in the sun and watching the women didn't make my chest hurt.

I wondered whether I fancied a quick holiday romance. I should have, and there were a couple of possibilities. Including a rather nice American girl in her early twenties, who was doing Europe with her parents, having been left at the altar by her ex-fiancé. But, instead, we spent a night in the bar getting very drunk on a wide variety of Italian liqueurs and bemoaning the pain of love. It was quite fun.

All too soon as I was home, suntanned and feeling a lot better. It was the Friday when I was due into work on the Monday, and I had one big doubt about my return. I phoned Tim and asked him if I could come in to see him. He asked if we could make it after work as he was a bit snowed under, apparently he hadn't had the help of a deputy for four weeks! We agreed on the Black Swan, again.

After I'd bought him his pint, he looked at me, expectantly.

I swallowed, "I don't think I can do it Tim. I can't come in and just work away, with Davinia just across the corridor. It'll destroy me."

"Is it still that bad?"

"Yes, I think it is. I'll admit it's getting better, the holiday helped. And I know it will be alright one day, but I just need more time. I was thinking of asking Charlie Bullard if he could find me an assignment somewhere else in the company for a few weeks, just 'til I can face her easily, every day, without having to prepare myself."

Tim went quiet, and drank some beer. "No. I won't have that. I need you there as my deputy. I've coped for these four weeks, but you really are needed in the department. We're a team."

"I'm sorry Tim. I know I'm letting you down. But.."

"No, I'll move Davinia. I'll go and see Charlie on Monday and get her transferred to some other department. She's a great secretary, and I like her a lot, but given the choice," He looked up at me, "There is no choice."

That was flattering, it never crossed my mind that Tim would do that for me, "You can't do that to the poor girl. It isn't her fault that we sort of buggered things up. That's mainly my fault, even if she did do the actual dumping. It wouldn't be fair on her."

"Life isn't fair. We've got a job to do. This is a business decision and you're far more important than her. And anyway, I think they've got a vacancy for a junior assistant in Marketing, that might be good for her."

"Would she want that?"

"No. I know she wouldn't. I had a long chat to her the other week. She's very happy in her job. And I'm very happy with her there. But..."

"Can I think about it? I'll let you know on Monday. It seemed such a simple coward's way out to have some time out of the Department. You've spoilt all that."

"Sure. Let me know." He paused, looking thoughtful, eventually he looked up at me, "I don't know how you're going to take this, but I guess you should know. She had a date with Drew this week, she hasn't said a lot about it, except to say it was good."

My heart missed a beat. I knew it was inevitable, but it still hurt. I smiled at Tim, "I guessed that would happen. I even told her she should do it."

He smiled, sympathetically, "So, how was your holiday?"

And so we chatted on for another couple of pints.

I went home, that evening still dreading trying to work with Davinia on a day to day relationship. I just didn't see how I could make that work. But I wondered if there was an element of vindictiveness in my attraction to having Davinia moved, but that would make me feel guilty.

On the Saturday morning, it was still plaguing me, in the end, over breakfast, I decided, 'I'm sorry, Davinia, but if Tim thinks the working of the Department depends on it, then you've got to go.' I decided to go down to Blindside and tell Tim, then and there.

When I got there, Beth let me in. She looked good, in jeans and tee shirt, but with no bra, and her breasts moved so enticingly underneath.

"Well, Tim's not here, Dave. He's gone to the gym and to do a bit of shopping in town. He shouldn't be too long. Why not stay and have a coffee with me and wait for him?"

"If I'm not putting you out. Thanks Beth."

"Why not go out onto the terrace, it's a lovely day, and just about warm enough. I'll bring the coffee." She headed for their kitchen, I headed for their roof terrace.

It wasn't long before Beth was coming out with a caffetiere of coffee and two mugs.

"So what is this all about, Dave? Can you tell me?" she asked.

"Well, I don't see how I can go on working happily with Davinia, and Tim offered to transfer her somewhere else in the company. I thought I ought to let him know that I've made up my mind that I think it would be a good idea."

Beth sipped her coffee and looked at me over the rim of her mug. I waited.

"Welcome to the club, Dave."

"What club?" I asked, knowing I was walking into her trap.

"The I Stuffed Up My Love Life Club. You're only a junior member, Dave, probably only temporary. I've got full life long membership."

I waited to see where this was going to lead, and she went on, "It hurts to think of seeing Davinia every day. Or at least it does at the moment, I hope you know that it will get better?"

"Yes, I think I know that. But it isn't helping for next week, I promise you." I looked at her, and probably showing the pain I felt.

"Under where you're sitting now is two tons of shiny black steel, made by Mulliner in 1933, that reminds me of my hurt every time I see it or even think of it."

"The Bentley?" I said

"Yes. The Bentley. It was made before I was born, come to think of it, it was made before my mother was born, and it isn't its fault that I screwed up last year. The car is quite innocent. My mistake won't go away if I insist that Tim gives away the Bentley. I have to face up to what I did, what I felt, what mistakes I made. You've got to do the same."

"But it's so bloody hard to do. I think I still love her."

"Well, love won't last long in a one-sided relationship, or shouldn't. It would be something very unhealthy if you go on feeling that way for very long." Beth looked at me and sighed. She leant forward and took my hand, "Davinia was very fond of you Dave, I know that. But she never loved you. And I suspect you never told her that you loved her, or not while you were with her. That's part of your mistake, not facing up to your own feelings when you had a chance. But none of that is worth spoiling her job, her career for. You'd never forgive yourself that."

"I could live with it." I said trying to smile.

"Tell me, Dave. What do you regret most in your time with Davinia?"

I paused to think, staring at a large patio pot, remembering carrying it up the stairs to this roof terrace a lifetime ago, "Oh, she was honest and sort of normal, I guess. And I wasn't, or not at the start. I should have run away from that Lucy as fast as my legs would carry me once I knew what I really wanted. And I did know, Beth, in my heart I knew, but I didn't even admit it to myself. I know I didn't quite give up my old life and my old ideas quick enough. That's what I regret most, I think." I looked up at her, "Plus lots of other things. Did you hear about TJ and that dreadful weekend?"

"Yes, Davinia told me. That wasn't your fault, I don't think she blames you for that. She just found it a shock, and it did happen because of your friend, that's all."

"Yes, but I knew from the first conversation I had with him that he was a sick and sad man. I feel guilty that she was subjected to him. So you see, I think I've got plenty to regret." I paused to look at her, we really seemed to have built a friendship in these past couple of months, after years of being wary of each other. "Anyway, why?"

Beth looked me straight in the eyes, almost challenging me, "Well, you think you have to live with regrets and painful reminders of what went wrong? Do you know what I live with, my worst thought? In my wardrobe in the bedroom is a cardboard box. In it are all my keepsakes. There you'll find my wedding anniversary cards from Tim. Years one to seven are there. I fervently hope that years nine to forty or fifty or better still, sixty will be there. But after I've gone, some son or daughter will go through my things and they'll find that there isn't one for year eight. I screwed up that year, and that gap could have meant that they'd be no son or daughter." She paused to stare into the middle distance. Then she looked back at me, "Well I hope that there will be both a son and a daughter one day, but the missing card will always not be there. My mistake will be marked all my life, and even after I'm dead. Now I know you, Dave, if I can live with that, then you can live with Davinia for a few hours a day for five days a week for a few weeks until it gets less painful. You know you can."