The 12-Step Program

Step 1. The Meeting

Last November Mary Elizabeth Kawicki went out to the supermarket on a Monday evening to do her week's grocery shopping. Usually she would have done that on Friday night or sometime on Saturday or Sunday, and then again on Wednesday. But she had worked late on Friday night, and then on Saturday she was a little under the weather and depressed, and on Sunday she visited her mother and her younger sister.

To be honest about it, visiting her family also made Mary Beth a little depressed. Her mother worried very audibly about the way the younger daughter was turning out, and Mary Beth couldn't quite bring herself to say that she was not sure it was worth the worry. Susan was wilder than her older sister, but Mary Beth wished she herself had been more that way. At least sometimes she did.

Part of her depression on Saturday was because she was not doing anything on Saturday night. That had been true for a couple of weeks, but she wasn't used to it yet. Mary Beth was getting over a long relationship, and still wondering if she had done the right thing in being out of it.

The man in question had wanted her to do things that she didn't feel she was ready for -- you know which ones. And she couldn't really be sure that she should have said no to him. She was in a pretty blue mood.

Mary Beth sometimes thought that she should avoid the food store on weekends, since that was when everybody else seemed to do their shopping, but to judge by this Monday it wouldn't have made much difference. The place was packed.

She filled her cart and got in line and she was up to third in line when the cash register broke down. She looked quickly around, but all the other lines were even longer now than when she had picked this one as slightly the shortest. This in a strange way cheered her up, since she now had something to complain about that took her mind off her personal worries.

The man in front of her turned around and introduced himself to her. He said a bit wryly that they may as well get acquainted since they seemed likely to spend some time together here. Mary Beth had to admit that if this was a blatant pick-up line, it was also an honest one. And it superficially made sense. She decided that she might as well talk to him, since they were not going anywhere at the moment.

It was close to twenty minutes later before the register was repaired and they were rung through. She probably could have left before then by going to another line, but after the first minute or so she wasn't paying attention to the time. This man, Frank Davis, was interesting to talk to. And nobody but her cat would notice if she got home a little later.

Frank got through a minute before she did, of course, but he stayed right there and helped her pack her bags. They shared a cart out to the parking lot, still continuing the conversation.

His car was closer in than hers. When they got there, Frank turned to Mary Beth and asked her about a date next Friday night. She had been expecting this to come, and expected to say no... But then she had second thoughts. She felt that he was nice, she knew now that they shared some interests, and she could do worse -- God knows she had at times, and on longer acquaintance.

So she said yes to dinner and a movie next Friday, and she gave him her phone number.

Step 2. The First Date

Mary Beth wanted to wear something for Frank that would counter-act the impression he would have gotten of her from the jeans and wool sweater he had seen her in at the super-market. But on the other hand she didn't want to get too fancy. She decided on a plain black dress with a necklace and a little jacket.

Frank picked her up at seven, exactly on time, and they went to a restaurant. The food was very good, and the conversation was better than it had been in the check-out line, perhaps from being in a more relaxed atmosphere.

He had picked a nice romantic movie, the kind that never seems to get made these days. (Mary Beth thought to herself that Frank had more of an understanding of her tastes than she expected from just twenty minutes of talk in a supermarket line, but she wasn't going to complain, thank you very much.) She left the theatre half-dreaming, and not just because it was getting late.

Afterward they went out for coffee in a little place only a few blocks from where she lived -- and therefore some distance from where he lived. To her surprise, the waitress knew him by name. Frank said only that he used to come here a lot. She guessed from this that he came here with an old girlfriend, but why not? She was years past wanting a man who had no experience with women, if she ever did. And anything about his past that was relevant she could find out later -- and what was she doing thinking about being that serious about him already, anyway? He might not be interested in dating her again.

Frank drove her to the door of her apartment house and they stood for a little while talking there. She hated to let an evening as nice as this one end, but it was getting late. Mary Beth did not want to invite him in now, since she felt it would give him the wrong impression. (He had been in her apartment when he picked her up that night.)

He also knew that they must say good night soon, so he asked her if she was willing to go out with him again on the next Saturday night, eight days away. Mary Beth was very happy to say yes to him and she told him what a nice night he had given her.

She was old-fashioned enough to not want to give a kiss on the first date, but still she was thinking very much of making an exception in this case. Mary Beth was trying to make up her mind about it, and how to state her attitude if she decided against it, when Frank just planted a kiss on her cheek, said "Goodnight, Mary," and walked off down the street whistling.

She stood a moment trying to decide whether Frank had been forward enough to object to or not. He had been so gentle about it!

Step 3. The Second Date

The next week went fairly quickly, but Mary Beth still found herself thinking about Frank Davis at times. Nothing serious, but she kept recalling that he had a nice face and a nice smile, and that the evening she had spent with him had been even nicer.

The Saturday before Thanksgiving, this was. It was warm that autumn, and the city squeezed some extra concerts into their series in the park. That was where they went when Frank picked her up at eight. That was the last concert for the year, and the weather was barely warm enough by the end. She kept her coat on for the last part of the concert.

Mary Beth had been working on laundry all day, and she was a bit sleepy. Between that and the little chill and the way the music got her dreaming and the way Frank was so warm with his arm around her, she did not want to get up at the end. Frank Davis was very comfortable and relaxing to be with, she found.

They stopped in a coffee-shop after that, and the pie and two cups of coffee she had woke her up again. When Frank took her home they parked for a while just outside her apartment house. When she thought about the evening, as she wrote of it in her diary, she could not remember when they parked nor how long they sat in the car talking, but it was well after midnight before she went in.

Frank got out of his car to walk across the street with her, to her door. This time Mary Beth had decided (oh, around Tuesday or Wednesday) that she did want to kiss him goodnight. He certainly deserved that much encouragement from her.

When they reached the downstairs door she turned to face him, and he said to her: "You said you are going to see relatives next weekend. Meet me Friday after, at seven? I'll call during the week to see what we want to do."

Those were exactly the words that Mary Beth had hoped to hear, and she happily said "Yes!" She puckered up her lips to kiss him goodnight. And that imp of the perverse she had spent the evening with just bypassed her intent and gave her two quick kisses, one on each cheek, then skipped down the steps and back to his car.

First he had been a little forward with her (but not enough to object to) and then he had been a little shy (but he got two kisses instead of one). Either way, he left her wanting to see more of him. Was this all some carefully worked out plan, or was it just the way he was?

Maybe it didn't matter.

Step 4. A Solid Kiss

Mary Beth went to her mother's for Thanksgiving, and she helped to fix a big dinner for relatives. Her mother sat and drank wine after nearly everyone had left, and got maudlin. It was the second Thanksgiving after her husband had died, and the first time that there were many people in the old house since then. Mary Beth spent the night on a cot rather than going home. She had taken the next day off, and she ended up staying until Sunday noon. Her sister went out with her boyfriend both Friday and Saturday nights and after they left her mother worried about the couple, though Mary Beth still couldn't see quite why.

The boy was a bit public in displaying affection, but nowhere near as extreme as some Mary Beth had seen. She thought Susan could handle him, or was sensible enough to know if she couldn't. Things had changed since her mother's day; they had changed since Mary Beth was Susan's age, and that had been only a few years.

Mary Beth suspected that the real problem was that Susan was the last one left at home, and her mother was unwilling to have her move out. And unwilling to admit it, either.

The next Friday was the first one in December. Frank and Mary Beth met at six, and ate dinner in an Italian restaurant. Then they went to a movie, which they both found boring although it had certainly sounded good in the reviews. They stopped for pies and cokes afterward and talked happily.

When they went by her place, Mary Beth looked at Frank and thought that perhaps he would like some privacy. While she had certainly had much more trouble in her life with men with groping and wandering hands than with the opposite, she almost wondered if Frank wasn't being a little too polite and respectful. Perhaps he would be less restrained if she asked him if he'd like to come into her apartment and talk a while longer before they said goodnight.

Mary Beth wasn't used to being the aggressive one, but she had decided that she wanted to kiss him right on the lips before he left that night. He leaned forward and kissed her ear, and held her as he did. It was a surprisingly gentle kiss, and surprisingly long. The contact of their bodies affected her more than seemed reasonable.

She exhaled raggedly. He did too, his lips still against her ear. She tried to move toward his mouth. Once again he tried to half-coyly avoid it, but she held his face still and closed in. His hand moved to her face so slowly that the movement seemed reluctant. His fingers framed her chin, she lifted her face to his, and his mouth descended. When their lips touched there was a surprise waiting for her.

His tongue got in her mouth, and she found that he was either very good at kissing or very serious about it -- if there was a difference in his case. She felt the room begin to fade away, and she heard the blood rushing in her ears.

"No," she breathed, but didn't resist him.

She should turn her face away, tell him to go. She couldn't. But she feared that if she showed even a flicker more of response it would set them both off like wildfire.

He drew back slightly. "I'm taking advantage of you," he said almost in a whisper.

So take advantage of me, she said to herself.

She, too, withdrew. Her arms had been around his waist. She pulled them away as if she'd been grasping fire. She put them behind her back and locked them together.

But he didn't release her. One arm stayed around her, holding her near. The other hand stroked her hair, then settled on the side of her throat. He looked at her mouth, then into her eyes. She knew what he was thinking: tell me to stop.

"We've got to stop," she said, her voice tight.

He shook his head. "I wasn't going to do it this way."

"Yes," she said, looking away in confusion. "I wasn't either."

He started to lower his mouth to hers again. "But I kept thinking about it."

She summoned all her willpower and pulled away, turning her back to him. "I thought about it too. It's not a good idea."

His face had a mixture of doubt and desire and amusement on it, but she could not see that. He stepped nearer, put his hand on her shoulder as if he would turn her to face him again.

"No," she said. "We don't know each other that well. This is crazy."

"I would like to get to know you better," he replied. And prepared to go.

But before he was out the door, she ran to him and this time she was the aggressor, at least to start with. Soon Mary Beth relaxed in his arms and it was a while before she left them, though maybe not as long as it seemed to her.

They said goodnight after agreeing to meet next Friday. It seemed like hours until her heart slowed down.

After that they spent every Friday and Saturday evening together.

Step 5. The Plot Thickens

That third date may have been the low point of their relationship, for all that it ended so well. By February, they had settled down to ending every date with something grand and glorious in the way of smooching to round off a perfect night, and they were spending more time at it as the months passed.

And then one night, after dinner and a travel lecture, they sat together on the couch in his apartment and he looked deep into her eyes and she looked back at him. What he saw in her eyes she didn't know, because Mary Beth had become unsure of what was in her own mind these days, except that she liked being with Frank.

Whatever it was he saw, he decided to act upon it. His hand went to her throat and caressed it, as he had many times before though not as often as she might have liked. He kissed her and he took down the first button on her blouse.

That was not the first time that a man had done that -- and many more had tried -- but it was the first time Frank had done it to her. Mary Beth halfway wanted to stop him and halfway wanted to let him go on. She held my breath and did not move. She drew back and looked up into his eyes, divided as to what to do. He took down the second button. His lips kissed her again while his right hand reached in to cup her breast.

And then he lifted up the bra and touched her nipples, and she drew in a sharp breath. After a little while she found herself getting more excited than she felt comfortable with and she asked Frank to stop -- though she found it very hard to do so by then.

He drove her home not long afterward. When they stood at the open doorway of her apartment, she hid her face in his chest for a moment, then said, "Kiss me," in a low quivering voice. His heart pounded once, twice, three times -- so hard he felt it throb through his body and deep in his groin, making him hard there.

With aching slowness, she lifted her lips to his. She kissed him with a mixture of shyness and boldness that made him want to take her, right there on the rug and without bothering to shut the door. And when he kissed her back, he knew his touch told her that, hotly and with eloquence.

While they did say goodbye to each other, Mary Beth wanted him all night as she lay in bed.

Step 6. Temptation

And that was where things stood for the next month, or rather a little further. Now on most nights in each other's company, Mary Beth removed his tie and shirt and ran her hands over his bare back and his chest. Now on most nights Frank also undressed her to the waist and he touched her nipples with one wide-spread hand while he darted his tongue into her mouth.

His lips and tongue also went down to caress her nipples while he lay her back on her couch or his, depending on the night, and her hands held him there as he did it.

One night Mary Beth gathered her courage and wore a sweater with nothing under it. He discovered that when he kissed her after he had taken her home, and their kiss that night was very long and deep. His hands went up her bare back and pulled her to him and she felt his long hard shaft press against her more than ever before. He took his breasts in her hands, and she ached with pleasure. She hugged him more tightly.

One night in the end of March, they stayed indoors and watched a TV show upon her set. Neither of them wanted to see anything that was available at the movies, but they still wanted to see each other. This was not the longest time they had spent together -- there were several long Saturday afternoons they had shared by then -- but the longest with no distractions from each other.

Perhaps oddly, they postponed the partial undressing for a long time that night but they finally went much further than they had before. Frank put his hand on her leg and slowly up under her skirt. His palm rested when he reached her panties and he softly pressed down. He held her for a while, then went to the waistband and under it.

No one had ever done that before, but Mary Beth knew that she wanted him to do it, that and more. All of her doubts and fears came up at once. She was not sure how much further she wanted to go, or whether she would have the will-power to stop him if he wanted to go further than she did.

His finger entered her and she cried out. Her hips rocked back and forth in orgasm as he continued to touch and rub and stretch her there. The physical release did not drain her half as much as the emotional one did.

As he rose to go that night, she wound her arms desperately around his neck. His hands roamed slowly up and down her body. She rose on tiptoe to press herself against him more closely. Every place he touched her seemed the right place. Every move his lips, his tongue made against hers seemed more than right; it seemed so perfect it might break her heart.

Mary Beth wanted Frank to stay with her that night, more than before, and she fought hard for the strength to let him go. But the strength was his at the last. He understood the confusion and hesitation she felt, and he left her a little earlier than usual -- perhaps for the sake of his own sanity.

Step 7. Decision

In April Mary Elizabeth Kawicki went to see the family doctor for her annual checkup. John Weiner had not delivered her, perhaps, but he was the one she had been taken to for everything medical that a small child develops. And as she got older and moved out, she still kept going to him. He was at an age now where he was plainly thinking of retirement, though not quite yet. He had treated her mumps and measles, and listened to her half-embarrassed questions when her first period came. He knew everything about her and she trusted him completely.

So when he asked how her life had been lately, she told him. She told him all about Frank, and discussed things that she had almost hidden from herself. He listened to her and looked thoughtful, then reached for his prescription pad and wrote on it.

He showed Mary Beth the piece of paper. She was a little surprised, but he told her to take the prescription with her. Then he carefully explained some things to make sure that she knew them. She did.

She thought about Frank while she stood in line at the drugstore and paid her money out. She thought about the way Frank made her feel, and how he had become half of her life, and all the things she longed to do with him. She thought to herself, when the doubts came up, that she was not actually making a decision she might regret, she was just making it easier to make the decision. And she might not regret it at all.

Mary Beth thought about Frank as she drove home, with waves of different emotions following each other. She went up the stairs of her apartment house, and as she let herself in, she prayed for strength to last just one month more, then felt guilty for the prayer. Then she decided she shouldn't; praying for strength was always proper.